How much is a person expected to put up with???-need to vent

[lonelyandblue]

How much are you supposed to put up with before you throw the towel in on your marriage?? I feel like I've put in my fair share. Or maybe we just have too many differences. Either way. It's like I'm just in this thing for my daughter now. I've tried talking, changing and to no avail. I hate his anger problem that I put up with daily. We can't hold a conversation without getting angry at each other. He is only nice to me when he wants sex. And sex is just that. It is like a crude act. Not loving like I feel it should be. We have a daughter, so I try to be unselfish and do this for her. But I am so unhappy. I want MORE in my life. And the other problem is I want custody of her if something came about. But she is crazy about her father. GRR!

[SugarSweetness407]

What a tough situation you are in. I can only imagine how confused you must feel right now, just staying in this for your daughters sake. Although you may feel that you are doing the right thing by staying with this man for your daughter, you also have to think about how the fighting is affecting her. Now i am not sure how old she is, but I know that when my parents would fight (my dad also had an anger problem) it stuck with me for a long time, and actually lead me into relationships with men that held the same characteristics as my father. And that all happened when i was between the ages of 3-8. Now i just take it that your husband yells a lot, but if there is emotional abuse going on as well that can have lasting effects on you and your daughter.

 

My advice to you would just to try to seek some counseling if your husband is up for that...maybe it will help, you can also go for yourself, and if you do decided to get a divorce, take your daughter to counceling too if she is old enough to know what is going on, because believe me i wish my mother would have done that for me. Best of luck to you and i hope that everything works out for the best...

[DN]

If you want to repair your marriage then you have to communicate differently. People move towards comfort and pleasure and away from discomfort and pain. So when you want someone to do something, particularly when you are in a relationship, it is much better to get what you want or get them to do what you want by making it about you rather than them.

 

If you say to someone: "You don't do (whatever)" this is perceived as an attack. But if you say "When you do (whatever) it makes me feel good/wanted/warm and fuzzy/insert positive emotion of choice" then that is seen as a request for help - it is not an attack.

 

So when you are talking to your husband about the things that are wrong in your marriage do so in a way that is not seen as an attack (pain) but in a way that makes him want tp please you (pleasure).

 

Because you are perceived as attacking him he responds to the attack either with defensive shut down or counter attack.

 

Dwell on the positive aspects of your relationship and sort out the negative as problems to be solved by both of you working together to please each other rather than attack one another. No recriminations but a desire not to hurt again

 

See where this is going?

 

Negotiate, compromise and listen to each other without defensive and wounding counter attacks

 

If I can help with specifics, message me and I will try to help.

 

If you have decided you want out of the marriage, that is another matter.

[Jetta]

I've been known to say what you have just said. You either need to talk him into mariage counseling (I couldn't talk mine into it) or start planning your divorce, which I'm doing. You could have shared custody, not easy but is an option. Perhaps it's your daughters age, she'll reach an age where her mom will become more important. Really it shouldn't be about how much you can deal with, but I feel the same way about my marriage.

[HajiMaji]

My man gandlaf said this:

 

"Yet it is not our part to master all the tides of the world, but to do what is in us for the succour of those years wherein we are set, uprooting the evil in the fields that we know, so that thiose who live after may have clean earth to till"

 

Why i like that quote so much is because it eases my day to day burden.. My problems still exsist and everything is still a mess. We just try our best. You have tried, and are trying your best. Thats all anyone can ask..

 

Now, its very easy for me to say that because im not attached to your situation.. It takes a very wise person to be able to realize what is in thier control and what is out of thier control. A marrige is only partially in your control, which sucks. It sucks because we are all putting our complete souls into these things in which we cant control. Its up to you to do your part, but if he doesnt do his - theres nothing you can do.

 

I really feel for your situation, and i dont mean to trivialize it with dumb lord of the rings quotes.. I just wanted to focus on the important issue, that you are doing what you can, and thats all you can do. Thats an awesome thing.

 

I think Jetta's advice was on point. Try to get a marrige counselor. If you cant, then what other option do you have but divorce? Good luck man!