compromises & boundaries

[captcha45]

Everyone always told me there is no relationship without compromises. At the same time you need to keep healthy boundaries if you don't want to be a doormat (or worse, get abused). How do you know the line between the two?

[notalady]

First you need to know what are your values, principals, life goals, things that are non-negotiable. For example loyalty (cheating unacceptable), honesty (lying, not harmless white lies, not acceptable), respect (lack of respect is not something to be compromised on), views on marriage and children (if you want them or not, if you most definitely do and the guy doesn't, you are not compatible and it can't be compromised), views on money, family including parents, etc etc.

 

Do you know what are your values?

[j.man]

If this were the Vague Thread Olympics, you'd get 10s accross the board.

 

If you've got something in mind, share some details and you can get some input.

If you simply are lacking the ability to assert your boundaries and find yourself repeatedly being abused, then a therapist will take a much longer ways than we will.

[92151794]

You have to communicate what you want and when they start to take you for granted look them in the eye and say look this isn't right this needs to stop and set them straight right there if you let go things that bug you overtime without talking they will indeed keep doing it till it ruins things.

[DoF]

Need more detail.

[Movingforward3]

When you choose to be in a relationship there are always things you must tolerate. Just like a job had a downside, so does a relationship. It really depends upon what it is and when it is out of balance with the benefit of the relationship.

 

The example I will give is one my brother and I spoke about:

A hot girl on a graph is allowed a certain amount of crazy. The hotter she is the more crazy we would tolerate. At least until the crazy surpassed the hot factor

[journeynow]

Everyone always told me there is no relationship without compromises. At the same time you need to keep healthy boundaries if you don't want to be a doormat (or worse, get abused). How do you know the line between the two?

 

This is a good question. Do you have thoughts based on your experience?

 

I think a compromise happens in a gray area, where you are willing to flex, learn, grow and change, perhaps move out of your comfort zone. For it to work well, though, I think it should feel more like a collaboration—an adjustment or modification to build a better whole. If it becomes unbalanced or draining it has probably crossed the line, hit a boundary.

 

I took a look at another of your posts about jealousy. Your then boyfriend didn't want you to go out alone with any guy who had a crush on you (I think that's what you said) or travel alone. For me, the first one would be an understandable compromise, but the second one would be crossing one of my boundaries because it is feels controlling and distrustful.

 

Different people may have different boundaries. And I think sometimes we aren't fully aware of our boundaries until they are crossed.

[captcha45]

I was thinking about independence. As a woman you're usually expected to be supportive and let the man take most of the big decisions. You're also expected to be okay with it if he tells you what to wear, what to do or not do. You have to watch where you go, with whom and how. And I was wondering when it's reasonable and when it's unhealthy.

[TMifune]

You're also expected to be okay with it if he tells you what to wear, what to do or not do.

 

Um....as a guy I'd have to say that I've never expected a woman to be okay with me telling her what to wear. What to do or not do only comes in terms of my boundaries. Like you can't go sleep with your friend's brother, not you can't shop at store X you have to shop at store Z instead.

 

Who's telling you this?

[notalady]

I was thinking about independence. As a woman you're usually expected to be supportive and let the man take most of the big decisions. You're also expected to be okay with it if he tells you what to wear, what to do or not do. You have to watch where you go, with whom and how. And I was wondering when it's reasonable and when it's unhealthy.

 

What year do you live in? Relationship is a partnership where both parties should be involved in making big decisions, not just the man. And most certainly not ok for one to tell the other what to wear, where to go, with whom and how. Who expect you to be ok with that?

[journeynow]

I was thinking about independence. As a woman you're usually expected to be supportive and let the man take most of the big decisions. You're also expected to be okay with it if he tells you what to wear, what to do or not do. You have to watch where you go, with whom and how. And I was wondering when it's reasonable and when it's unhealthy.

 

Where do you live, captcha45? And how old are you? What you describe is not the case here or for my generation, and I was born in the 1950's in the USA. I see a relationship as a partnership. When I was I child I let my parents make most of the big decisions, and maybe they told me what to wear, and wanted to know where I went and with whom and how. But once an adult, those are my choices, not anybody else's. When in a relationship, decisions that affect us both are JOINT decisions, otherwise there is no respect and no sound foundation for a relationship, IMO.

[captcha45]

Where do you live, captcha45? And how old are you? What you describe is not the case here or for my generation, and I was born in the 1950's in the USA. I see a relationship as a partnership. When I was I child I let my parents make most of the big decisions, and maybe they told me what to wear, and wanted to know where I went and with whom and how. But once an adult, those are my choices, not anybody else's. When in a relationship, decisions that affect us both are JOINT decisions, otherwise there is no respect and no sound foundation for a relationship, IMO.

 

Since this is a public board I won't say my age or where I live....but probably it is a cultural thing. Maybe it sounded a bit harsh. I never said that a relationship is not a partnership. Just that for example if you're wearing a dress your partner doesn't like you're expected to change it. Or you have to pick up the phone every two hours if your SO gets jealous. Things like that.

 

I asked other women. I've never heard a man say that.

[notalady]

Just that for example if you're wearing a dress your partner doesn't like you're expected to change it. Or you have to pick up the phone every two hours if your SO gets jealous. Things like that.

 

I maintain what I said, it is NOT ok for someone to tell you what to wear or not to wear or to pick up the phone every two hours because they get jealous. These are controlling behaviour and not healthy.

 

Unless you're from a very very conservative culture where that might be the norm. But in most cultures I know in this day and age, this is not the social expectation or norm or even acceptable behaviour in many cases.