Have you been broken up with out of the blue?

[lovingtheextra]

I have been dating this girl for about 14 months now. It started out nice and stayed more or less nice or leveled out at average. For the past few weeks I have been strongly feeling that I would like not to be in a relationship anymore. I don't feel affectionate and I don't feel as interested as I used to. Nothing significant in my life has changed to cause this but slowly my interest just waned.

 

Also I feel like I want to concentrate on myself and just be single for some time. I have been visibly less affectionate and engaging in the past week or so. But if I were to break up with her it may come as a surprise. My dilemma is what the best way to approach this topic would be?

 

She has been very nice and understanding in general. And I know if I were to do this it would hurt her. But I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily. Should I just bring the topic up one day? Should I give a heads up about the conversation? Should I tell her that I don't feel interested anymore or that just flat out sounds mean? Those are generally the questions on my mind.

 

Your opinion would be helpful.

[mhowe]

She notices the difference. You tell her your interest has waned and you want to break up.

 

It's not complicated.

[SooSad33]

I don't think a break up can be 'nicely' done.

You just have to be honest with her, that your 'feelings' aren't the same anymore and you care for her still but you're not wanting the relationship any more.

[NoMoreJerks]

You're gonna hurt her -- there's no way around it. Just make sure that you are ABSOLUTELY SURE ABOUT THIS and that there is no chance in hell that you will regret this and be a selfish jerk who then plays with her heart and wants her back, after causing her heartache. Also, make sure the timing is right -- don't be a jerk and break up with her the day before one of her loved ones is about to die...

[dave_1966]

You could say or do something which makes her want to break up with you, then let her walk away with her confidence intact at least. Why not ask her if you could have an open relationship? She'll soon be on the phone to her all her friends, and they'll all tell her to dump you. Problem solved.

[Kadbanoo]

You could say or do something which makes her want to break up with you, then let her walk away with her confidence intact at least. Why not ask her if you could have an open relationship? She'll soon be on the phone to her all her friends, and they'll all tell her to dump you. Problem solved.

 

Ugh, this horrible, game-playing and spineless advice... people just need to be open, honest adults and not transfer the "dirty work" of having to breakup onto someone else.

 

OP, tell her how you feel if you are really sure that is what you want. There is nothing wrong with leaving a relationship if you are not happy, but please give your girlfriend the respect of an honest break up, even if it's difficult/awkward for you.

[heartbroken011]

You should tell her as soon as possible. She will be hurt either way but the sooner you tell her the sooner she will get over it. My ex just did this but the wrong way and it hurt so much. I feel like he feels the same way as you. He says he loves me but he doesn't want to be together right now. Although he says he can see us being together for the long time in the future after we finish school. I don't understand how he can say that but not want to be together right now? Can you see where he is coming from?

[lovingtheextra]

So I decided to be completely straight forward with her. I told her that I care for her but right now feel as though I cannot be in a relationship. She was obviously hurt and upset but was very understanding. She didn't blame me for anything because she realizes feelings can change. Though it was still difficult to absorb and understand.

 

To be fully honest even I don't completely understand why I feel a certain way. She is a great person and I do like her but feel as though the mind frame I am in is not one of a relationship. I don't mean that I want to go party like a single person but I feel as though I need to concentrate on myself. I am not exactly where I want to be in life. And if I were to be with her then I would not be able to give her what she wants out of a relationship. The constant thought is bound to hinder me from being engaged. And that is not fair to either party.

 

Given all that, I still feel like . The next couple of weeks and months are going to be extremely weird and awkward. It is as though I have to get used to myself again. Everything was sort of programmed in my head, the times she would message and what she would message. Work on the weekdays and hangout on the weekends. And now that has to be reset.

 

I feel bad that I have hurt her but I know it was the right thing to do. Sometimes it is almost easier to dismiss the other person if they were jerk or etc. So this makes it tough because she was nice but I just wasn't at the same wavelength.

[mhowe]

See....she was ok with it. Honesty is always the best policy.

[dave_1966]

Ugh, this horrible, game-playing and spineless advice... people just need to be open, honest adults and not transfer the "dirty work" of having to breakup onto someone else.

 

OP, tell her how you feel if you are really sure that is what you want. There is nothing wrong with leaving a relationship if you are not happy, but please give your girlfriend the respect of an honest break up, even if it's difficult/awkward for you.

 

I don't think it is particularly spineless actually, and it's less hurtful than being honest in some ways. Perhaps you're used to being more of an assho1e in these situations.

[TheAbandoned]

I don't think it is particularly spineless actually, and it's less hurtful than being honest in some ways. Perhaps you're used to being more of an assho1e in these situations.

 

I don't see anything "assho1eish" about having integrity and being honest. All lying does is give the dumped hope that it can be rectified.

 

Lying is the coward's way out.

[Kadbanoo]

I don't think it is particularly spineless actually, and it's less hurtful than being honest in some ways. Perhaps you're used to being more of an assho1e in these situations.

 

I don't see anything "assho1eish" about having integrity and being honest. All lying does is give the dumped hope that it can be rectified.

 

Lying is the coward's way out.

 

Agreed! As I have stated many times on this forum, I am still friends with all of my major exes, all of whom I left - (five-year relationship, 12-year relationship, 8-year marriage) and all of my significant minor relationships... even my recent ex who left me a year ago and screamed "I don't love you anymore!!! Never contact me again!!" and was horribly hurt and angry with me over the last year - he and I have become friends he was over installing new appliances and helping me move a couple of weeks ago...

 

Those kinds of post-relationship relationships don't come from lying and game playing... they come from choosing good partners in the first place and being honest and respectful, even when things don't turn out as we wish. Trying to be a b1tch or a d1ck to someone hoping they will dump you is cowardly, at best.

 

The problem with forums like this is that you have a majority of (understandably) horribly broken-hearted people doling out knee-jerk advice from a place of pain, hurt and anger - the blind leading the blind and probably making bad situations even worse. Even if things seem hard or painful in the short-term, you can never go wrong with respect and honesty.