need advice, I want to break up with someone I get along fantastically with!

[shyanimator]

to make a story short: Im in university for less than a year before I graduate and look for work/ she's looking to go through graduate schooling or find a better job. I'm in animation and most of my potential employers are in burbank. Her work is much further away. We currently live 2 to 3 hours away and visit each-other possibly once or twice a month. I support myself with a part time job, and take full semester units while she has a lot more free time as a graduate but works during the week ( I work weekend shift). She's ok with it, but I'd rather be in a shoulder to shoulder relationship. she'd even be ok if we only saw each-other once a year or so during holidays and vacations. However she's already starting to make plans for her next move and is hesitating often because of me. I tell her to put her career first, because I know we are both extremely ambitious people and it would be breaking who we are to do otherwise. I often wonder if I should just date another animator or if my want to be close to someone more often is already flawed because of my conflicting interest in a career that requires travel. I'm broke and have limited support from my parents who are also not financially stable.

 

recently she's been sneaking money into my wallet, and her parents begged me that if I ever was starving to contact them immediately. I cried when She tried to offer me money last and wouldn't take it from her for over an hour. She says she wants to work with me to help me with my debt, and it's a lot of pressure. I want to feel like I can stand on my own two feet of my own efforts, and I feel if I took that money it's like accepting a bribe to make me stay. I confronted her on this, and told me she couldn't help it, since she's well off and to think nothing of it. My current debt is astronomical, but I would never let that influence my decision on a relationship (or am I secretly using her by convincing myself I'm not?)

 

when it comes to our relationship at stake: it's an amazing relationship I feel like I'd be a complete idiot to pass up. We both trust each-other, get along amazingly, share hobbies, and fit each-other's relatively steep list of must haves relatively well. our, um, recreational life indoors and outdoors is fantastic, and I'm sure if it came down to life decisions like children and pets and living space, we agree on nearly every single detail. she loves cats and I'm allergic to them, but I grew up with cats so I'm use to that. there really isn't a single detail that would make me ever want to leave her side... except for the idea that I'd have to leave her side to stay with her, constantly, for years at a time even. and if I didn't, one of us might have to sacrifice our career for the other. I worked way too hard, and accrued way to much debt, sweat, tears, to give up my independence for such a thing and so has she.

 

besides this, I never liked the idea of dating someone of the same race as myself, or body build that seems too close to the tree, but she matches these extremely, if not for a few differences. before I asked her out 3 years ago her hair, body,race, and even personality type was no where on my radar. she denied my advances 3 times, and I worried I was settling. However I realized that if we got along well these things would pass and I could learn to love her as she is. I was correct, and more than I ever anticipated to be on that challenge.

These were merely physical things I'd gladly overlook, but one factor that haunts me I get art crushes. if anyone in the discussion is an artist, you might imagine what I mean by that, you see someones lines, someones gestures, someones use of color, or story or material or whimsy, that sets your heart ablaze. If you could, you would surround your every waking moment with their work, and to collaborate would be a dream come true. I feel like maybe I could get this sense from my own work and be alright, but I'm never quite sure. My girlfriend just doesn't light that pilot light in me. She sparks it on occasion: she's brilliantly intelligent, and has a mother who is literately a god of house craft projects she takes after. However romantic the notion of dating an art crush might be, it usually always degrades into the star-fXXXer mentality, and I can't really assess how realistic this notion is either. regardless, it pops up immediately when I'm away like a monster ready to send me into a spiral of self doubt and depression I seem to have no control over.

 

 

to summarise I have three questions:

 

is it a good idea to break up with someone over conflicting career interests?

 

is it a good idea to break up with someone over them being too generous? (or possibly that I'm too involved and now responsible, as not to be a for my own mistaken humility)

 

is it a good idea to break up with someone over a "zing" factor that is missing or incomplete?

 

honestly I feel like I'm being paranoid and selfish, and I can't tell, and I need diverse feedback.

[abitbroken]

Well, could you ever decide that you wanted to be in the same place - and if the only way to advance in your career was to move to Burbank, couldn't she find a job in her field in Burbank or within the hour? Burbank is not exactly a career wasteland. Maybe have a goal of six months or a year?

 

I don't think her generosity is the problem - if you were married or more together physically, she'd get your back when you didn't have it and she'd get yours. My bf and I - I'll buy the groceries one day, and he'll fix my car, etc. It is more your pride than her generosity.

 

I will say a better match for you to be shoulder to shoulder would be someone who has fewer career ambitions and is content to follow you around the country, but you may not be happy if that person is not as driven as you, or is constantly revolving around you.

 

I think you sound like you want to breakup and are looking for reasons - she is the same race as you (a reason to break up that i had NEVER heard of in my life, btw), she is too perfect for you, there is no zing (and there won't be as much zing into the relationship as there was in the beginning. I really can't tell if you are looking to ditch her, or you are having doubts about your own success right now - not deserving of her, because of your debt. I am mixed.

 

Only you can decide to break it off, and I suggest that you make a list of pros and cons. And also, talk to her about what she sees in the future. Does she see you'll always be around different parts of the country, or does she see her end game as finding a spot where both can thrive? Or she doesn't care?

[abitbroken]

before I asked her out 3 years ago her hair, body,race, and even personality type was no where on my radar. she denied my advances 3 times, and I worried I was settling. However I realized that if we got along well these things would pass and I could learn to love her as she is. I was correct, and more than I ever anticipated to be on that challenge.

 

So - you feel you are "settling" ? You are telling us how wonderful she is - but you are settling?

[shyguy66]

"is it a good idea to break up with someone over conflicting career interests?"

 

In the case where your careers will take you to various locations and give you a great deal of time apart..yes. Long term relationships very seldom work like that.

 

"is it a good idea to break up with someone over them being too generous? (or possibly that I'm too involved and now responsible, as not to be a for my own mistaken humility)"

 

It's not a good idea to break up over this, but I can most definitely understand why this can make someone(especially men) unhappy. Men are still raised being told that we need to be successful able to provide not only for ourselves but for a wife as well. It doesn't matter if society has evolved to a point that women are encouraged to pursue careers as well, men are still more respected and desired(generally speaking) when we're rich and successful. This does lead to feelings of inadequacy when presented with a situation in which we feel unable to stand on our own. It's not so much about the person being generous as much as it is a perpetuation you may feel in regards to needing support, and perhaps a conscious/subconscious feeling that you'd advance further if you were truly on your own because then you'd lack choice. I don't think that in itself is reason to end it, but again I can see why it'd contribute.

 

"is it a good idea to break up with someone over a "zing" factor that is missing or incomplete?"

 

This one is a bit trickier, and one I'm facing as well. You can't control what your heart wants. There's many levels of love, and it's perfectly possible to love someone for who they are and what they bring to your life, but not feel that passion for them that we're all familiar with. I personally just view that as logical love. It's logical to love this person..they love you, support you, and will be loyal to you, however they don't instill you with a sense of excitement and enthusiasm, so you coast through life with them. You'll have comfort and stability but you won't ever have the intense stomach feeling or excitement about what the day could bring. No one can truly answer this question as it's a very subjective one. You're either someone who can find enough love in logic to not end it over such things, or you're someone who struggles with the notion that you can have love without the "zing" factor..though if you're asking it, I think it's something that's clearly bothering you enough that you could fall into the latter category.

[shyanimator]

not settling, I just don't know what else to call it. it was strange and hard to explain how I ended up asking her out is what I meant by that. it was unsure, and looking back I can't tell if it's just my ability to convince myself of a relationship or if I genuinely underestimated her ability to impress me. I don't want to be rude, but when someone looks too much like my own mother or cousin, at-least for me, it's difficult. and as I said these details are the absolute least of my concerns and aren't even in the three questions I asked. before we got together we were both interested in long distant relationships with two other people that didn't share our affections. she liked a guy in England. I liked someone in australia. I remember comforting her when she failed an attempt at a study abroad program before we went out (to england), and feeling awkward and not asking her out. we were friends for a year before this and when we both started backing up from our goals we ended up proverbially backing into eachother and re-evaluating our friendship. It was never clear whether we actually were "attracted to each other" at least for me. I'd say its all on my side, but two years later she got confirmation from the school that she could actually go on the exchange program for 6 months, and spent a majority of the time with that penpal of hers, staying in the same hotel and even going to Italy. the problem wasn't whether or not she cheated because I could care less if she did, but that I would never be able to reconcile the doubt it instilled. the other guy is asian, and although he didn't share feelings for her, she still did for him. It made me think about my pen pal, who by this time I had resolved things with as friends. She had a fantastic time in europe, a place that with my consistent debt and background I could never hope to go without some sort of job or university offer of my own, and even then I'd risk everything (aka wouldn't be a vacation). it always messes with my head that something she would love to go on about for hours could make me agitated and distant, and when I think about it it just reminds me of the fact that both of us had much different goals before getting together. still, that has been water under the bridge for a year now, I just wanted to be honest that our relationship isn't exactly perfect, but since it's an object of debate now, I thought I'd be more clear on the messy details. yes I'm aware I sound like a chump for staying with her after that, but it really doesn't matter in the broad scope of things. what matters is that we doubt eachothers physical interest in eachother, which isn't something that can just be ignored, it should be understood.

[shyanimator]

@abitbroken, yes we have been talking about it, but she is not in the least bit interested in moving to burbank let alone canada with my contacts up there, she's getting lab offers out of state currently, and is seeing if she can get into a graduate program in california instead. I'm aware my person might have something to do with that decision as well, which also makes me uneasy.

 

I am considering your opinion on the pride vs her generosity bit though, that's certantly what led me to accept the money, but provided I plan on breaking up with her am I being a user if I accept?

 

I have doubts of my own direction less than success, I'm plainly less successful than her, and am working to be more successful. It's not easy considering my background which I will not go into details about, but being a half a semester away from my bachelors degree with an insane amount of debt it's a lot to consider. I'm not looking to ditch her, but I sincerely can't tell if I'm having stress based paranoia from my insane life right now, or if I genuinely have an underlying problem I keel pushing down and away from myself to focus on my studies. it is a lot easier to ignore the problem when I have so much risk in my life... if it even exists.

 

to answer your last question she always tells me "we'll face that when it comes to it" which I'm aware is just that she doesn't have an answer. Both of us are sure what we want in life in are careers, but neither of us are certain where that might take us. we want to live together, we have talked about that, but we're not sure it's possible. I should make it clear that our careers require both of us to be around different parts of the country (rather the world for me from what I understand from my professors if I wish to take my career seriously.)

[shyanimator]

I want to quickly say thank you to everyone for the quick replies, my roomate told me to use this site, and that he used it after a rough breakup last year. thank you to all of you.

[jobelle]

I will say a better match for you to be shoulder to shoulder would be someone who has fewer career ambitions and is content to follow you around the country, but you may not be happy if that person is not as driven as you, or is constantly revolving around you.

 

I think you sound like you want to breakup and are looking for reasons - she is the same race as you (a reason to break up that i had NEVER heard of in my life, btw), she is too perfect for you, there is no zing (and there won't be as much zing into the relationship as there was in the beginning. I really can't tell if you are looking to ditch her, or you are having doubts about your own success right now - not deserving of her, because of your debt. I am mixed.

 

I agree with this, especially the "same race issue". You're either a complete perfectionist (in which case good luck finding the one who fits all the criteria... not to be mean but finding "the one" is already hard enough without a detailed list of must-haves) or you're looking for reasons to break up for some reason.

 

Whatever you decide to do, be kind to this girl. She seems to be really nice so be gentle on her and don't string her along.

[dave_1966]

is it a good idea to break up with someone over conflicting career interests?

 

You haven't got a career yet, you haven't even graduated. The career you want is so competitive that there's a really good chance you won't even become an animator. I do something very similar and 90% of animation graduates will not be animators. You may end up using your qualification to do something different, and so may she. How can you have conflicting career interests? You may both end up doing the same job.

 

is it a good idea to break up with someone over them being too generous? (or possibly that I'm too involved and now responsible, as not to be a for my own mistaken humility)

 

No it's not, generosity is an amazing quality. If you dump her you'll find plenty of women out there who'll just take, and you'll wonder what you were thinking leaving her.

 

is it a good idea to break up with someone over a "zing" factor that is missing or incomplete?

 

Only you can tell that, if she doesn't 'rock your boat' there's nothing anybody can say that will make you want to stay with her. However, from what you wrote I think she sounds a nice girl, someone you could regret leaving especially during the period after you graduate when support will be needed. I doubt you're just going to walk straight in to full time role as a animator, and knocking on doors for months and getting nowhere can be very draining. The art crushes are just fantasies. No doubt you see yourself as Picasso in your dreams, womanising with fellow artists and taking about art before making love with them. These are dreams, not to be confused in any way with real life. Make sure you realise this.

 

The bottom line, having been there myself, is that when you graduate you will have the biggest reality check of your life. Art school is a wonderful place where you can experience great things, but it doesn't bear any relation to the real world you're going to enter when you leave. Animation is very competitive, you may need emotional support when you attempt to get in to the industry. Your student dream state will be shattered, you won't have time for 'art dreams' and you could potentially really regret not having this girl with you.

[mhowe]

Dave makes very good points.

 

Conflicting career interests? Definitely a deal breaker.

Incongruous financial independence ---- BIGGER deal breaker. She is subsidizing you. Watch that play out on your manhood. As well as her being able to travel and you not able.

 

Zing factor? She is Ms. OK for Now with a big heart and wallet.

 

This isn't your destiny.

[abitbroken]

You say she is taking a grad program in California, but you need to move to Burbank...isn't that in the same state?

 

Everyone - not everyone - but lots of people have student loans. It doesn't make you unique or disadvantaged over other people. You are going to college - so you have to let go of the idea that its "difficult for someone of your background." You did it. or are doing it, so now your background slate is clean and you are just like any animation major.

 

One point that sticks out still - your reluctance based on her race - which is the same as yours.

You seem to have the fantasy of an exotic, artistic beauty - an idea. Women are not ideas. You don't talk like most people about wanting someone who "gets" you. sometimes it doesn't work out with exotic, artistic beauties because when you settle down - her background is too different, someone who is an artistic collaborator ends up being too critical of your part in it, etc - and poof, she is no longer this mythical creature. I am not saying that you should stay with your girlfriend, but you should review this concept as far as learning more about yourself.

 

 

There is a documentary by an asian-american filmmaker (a woman) that talks about and interviews asian-american women about the subject of non-asian men wanting to date them because of their perceived exotic-ness and what the women's experiences and feelings are (some surprise the guys that they actually grew up with a similar background and then are suddenly less exciting. ) about being an "idea". I am not saying your target group is asian, but it is interesting food for thought for anyone attracted to different ethnicities due to the perception of being exotic and being frustrated about not being perceived as much as an individual.

 

Perhaps you don't like your group because you loathe your background and want nothing to do with it. And this is why you have the idea that not a PARTICULAR group (you are attracted to a particular ethnicity of women), just anything BUT your group.

 

Anyway, just food for thought.

[abitbroken]

You obviously really want to break things off. so do it. but like everyone else says, don't be mean to her. If you don't want to take her money just as a first step while you really figure it all out, tell her that the reason why you don't want to take her money is you feel with her eager to go to school somewhere else, you feel that your lives are going in different directions. You don't want to be in a relationship long distance with no end in sight and its not right for you to take her money with her expecting that its an investment in your mutual future.

 

I will say, the grass is not always greener, which you think it is with an artistic muse, but maybe your timing together is just off.

[shyanimator]

again, I only stated that to make myself not sound like I'm covering up for something by saying everything is perfect, I said it was ignorable for a reason, I don't care about race, I just have a strange adversion to my own, it's not exoticising, I'm simply not attracted to certain features. Being 100% attracted to someone means diddly in comparison to a working relationship, and I wish people would stop hassling me on that detail, the ONE detail I said was not important.

[abitbroken]

again, I only stated that to make myself not sound like I'm covering up for something by saying everything is perfect, I said it was ignorable for a reason, I don't care about race, I just have a strange adversion to my own, it's not exoticising, I'm simply not attracted to certain features. Being 100% attracted to someone means diddly in comparison to a working relationship, and I wish people would stop hassling me on that detail, the ONE detail I said was not important.

 

Well...it is very different - so that is why people have picked it out.

 

Then what is the strange aversion to your own if its not exoticism - is it that you are ashamed of your background in some way? Because you have mentioned that you don't want to mention your background, but have come really far with someone with it - that is why I made the assumption this is why you want the opposite of your background. and we are not ALL hassling you on the detail. Not all of us have mentioned it. And you are not being hassled - its just curious.

 

So...you WANT to break up with her and you are asking us if you are a bad guy for wanting to, or are you asking us how to do it?

[shyanimator]

the question isn't about validation or method, its about whether or not I'm being logical about all this or if It's just moody stress talk. She just asked me today what I would do if she moved to florida, it's moments like this that make me question things and I have to wonder why I'm not feeling desperate to resolve the matter. I could be making plans, or I could be protesting it, instead I'm torn somewhere between both and re-evaluating our relationship.

 

also to answer everyone's question, it's purely biological distaste, not out of self loathing, because I like myself, perhaps too much. I don't know why I like people who look similar to myself in female form, (dark long nearly straight hair, tall with moderately athletic build but not athletic). it's that anyone resembling a family member sends off alarms in my brain, and I like tomboys a lot and darker colored hair. in all my life I have rarely ever fantisized, if ever, about the "big boobed blonde girl of my dreams" but rather just about everything and anything else save a few other topics. there was one girl I liked once who was blonde. but she was 7 feet tall. I've always believed fetishes in personal attraction has to do with the natural inclination towards biodiversity. However I'm aware it's quite the opposite for a majority of people. If it's wrong to have attraction preferences, then I'm guilty of this offense. However as I've said before, it's the farthest question from my mind right now and really not relevant to what I'm currently wrestling with.

[abitbroken]

I think you should sit down face to face and talk.

 

I think you also have to address the money - tell her you won't accept money. You are okay if she wants to treat for dinner or a show or bring a few groceries when she comes because she is eating, too, but its not okay with you to just put money in your pocket or for bills.

 

Maybe she asks you about Florida because she wants to get a reaction from you - is hoping for a "no! I want you to come with me!" and is testing the waters. Who knows.

 

But you need to talk about where this is going - as far as does she expect to continue to move accross the country and be long distance forever or does she see herself and you making a plan to be in the same place? And express your feelings that you are looking for a relationship where two people live reasonable close (not live together, but close enough to get together regularly and be part of eachother's lives and actually date - even an hour away would be fine) or moving towards a common goal of dating in person. If she finds that she wants to randomly move around the country whenever, then maybe its time to talk about parting ways. If she has an endgame, then you have to talk about if that endgame is reasonable.

 

I have seen a couple who had to live 4 states a part for six months but it was okay for them because they had an endgame in mind - it was something that they both agreed would need to be done (it was better for one to go back and finish at the school they started at and go for 6 months versus 1-2 years somewhere else, and it was better for the other to move on and take that job of a lifetime and then the plan after that was mutually decided that they would be in the same town.) I know another couple who lives in one place, but they each travel for work part of the week and it works for them. But that is because they BOTH decided that - it wasn't one person making all the decisions and the other one chasing.

[shyanimator]

If she has an endgame, then you have to talk about if that endgame is reasonable.

 

you deserve serious thank you for this! I'd never considered the concept of discussing out end game other than meeting it with fear and resentment, but having a solid plan of action is something we both need right now. She's the kind of person that is content with moving around all over the country and so am I, but not alone. It is a serious dilemma for both of us right now. we have been living an hour apart for nearly our whole relationship, and up until this point the idea was to simply work on living closer, but never further apart, at-least not for me. This was before I began my university studies and learned the cold facts about animation. I can only support her career decisions, but I think if we can manage to come to some sort of end game agreement this could work, but if one cannot be made, then we simply aren't working together and that is that. rather than discuss the details here, I should take care of this.

 

again, thank you.

[abitbroken]

I think you should also present your endgame, so she is not hanging out there in space, hoping you want the same, or afraid to really state what she truly wants because it might not be really want to hear (either she wants to work towards a permanent relationship and feels that will freak you out at this point, or doesn't want to tell you she never wants to settle down). When you both know what the other ultimately wants, then you can have a conversation on whether you want to continue dating eachother or that you would each like to have that endgame with THEM, versus someone in general.

 

I also think you shouldn't be so rigid about Burbank and should really seriously explore all sorts of other opportunities. There are a lot of animated movies that have locations listed in different places in the credits - so explore whether its burbank or bust, or there are other animation jobs a little farther afield.