She "needs time to focus on herself"

[Hotlinebling]

My girlfriend of a year and a half recently told me that she needs time to focus on herself if things will ever work. I felt really understanding about it because she's in grad school right now and is busy writing a thesis (basically a book) in order to graduate. She's gotten offers to schools for her doctorate already and her professors are pressuring her to be the best student and go to get her doctorate. Her mom has multiple sclerosis and it's getting worse and she gets stressed out over that. She gets really worked up over it because her dad cheated when she was in middle school and left them so all she really has is her mom.All the stuff she's going through makes me feel like she really does need some space to get herself back together so that we can be happy again. But I read stuff on here that says what she is saying is just a nice way of letting me down.

 

I hate that it has to be this way because this summer she was so big on moving in with me and ever since we started dating she told me that she wants to be with me forever and was planning for our future. We did move in together but now that she needs time to focus on herself she said she needs to move into her own place. The night we talked about it I was okay and understanding what she's going through but the next day I've been so upset about it and have been staying at my parents house because when I'm at home I think about how she is going to move out soon.

 

Is there any hope for us? She means the world to me and I want to spend the rest of my life with her but I don't want to be dragged on if it's not going to work.

[SooSad33]

Hard to know what's going to happen here.

 

You just need to respect her wishes and give her time & space.

You understand all of the pressure's she's under at this time.. so Im sure it's getting to her a bit, for sure.

 

Just give her a bit of time... let her think on things, as she's asked for.

 

Just because she's asked for some 'her time', doesn't always mean they do want to end things... but they need some down time to work on getting themselves back on track.

 

So look at this as possibly just a step back.. but may not be permanent.

[Dizzcostu007]

First question. Does she know how you feel? Yes she's got a lot of stuff going on, but that doesn't mean you should put your feelings on hold.

 

How long is this break for? And I've got to be perfectly honest and in my opinion it seems like a very selfish person who basically says and thinks they can drop you for a bit.

 

I understand people have problems, but you are a couple and should be able to sort through things together.

 

From my own experienced and experiences of others is this won't end well.

 

Think about what you want and I would worry about waiting for someone who hasn't taken you into account at all.

[DoF]

I think request for space speaks volumes about who she is and her character in general.

 

So when life kicks you in the ass you run? That is NOT what people in long term relationships do. If anything those things bring them closer together!!!

 

Here is what I would do:

a) tell her exactly how you feel about her, all of it.

b) This is a rough patch and you are more than willing to help her and work thru this difficult time together. Life is full of ups and downs!!!

c) I would tell her that there is no time outs or breaks in the relationship. If she ends it, it's over for good.

 

See what she says. If she continues with "break", end it > go no contact/block her and start your healing. 3-6 months start dating. I would NOT "wait around" for her. No way.

 

She simply needs to do a better job dealing with life and grow thicker skin. Sure her mom's situation is not pleasant, but it is what it is.

 

I also have a feeling she will move far for school.......and if that is the case, end it now. No point of going on and LDR do NOT work.

[mhowe]

Who was supporting you and her? Living together too soon is generally not optimal for the growth of the relationship. When stress hits...alone time seems the easiat way to focus on self and family illness. It may be the end, it may be a break...but I don't see her stress diminishing in the next couple.of years.

[Hotlinebling]

I did what you told me and this was her exact response "In order for me to focus on school, writing my thesis, my relationship with God, my family and my future. We can't live together. It wouldn't allow us to focus on ourselves and our individual goals in life." I think she has some deep mental issues she has to work on that will maybe never get better. She had panic attacks at school thinking about all the stress she's got going on right now. One of her best friends died in college because she was texting and driving. Ever since then she's had to take anxiety medicine for it ( I think it's been almost 4 years). I found out today from one of her old roommates that she was depressed when she lived with her and that's around when I met her. She was good at hiding it or I helped her get over it I will never know.

She doesn't think that she needs help (she's supposed to see a therapist since she's had panic attacks) because she studied psychology and is in social work now and thinks that they're wrong and she can fix it herself. She seems like the perfect person on the outside to many people but she doesn't have it together at all. I realized the selfishness in her today when she told me that maybe we wouldn't have fallen apart if I would of cared to start going to church with her. She never told me that it was important to her that I go with her. I think she is using that as an excuse because I told her that I did want to go. I would tell her on Saturday nights that I wanted to go to church with her in the morning but she would always wake up before me and go without me. She said that she shouldn't have to wake me up to go but she never seemed to want me to go bad enough to wake me up.

 

But yeah it's over. I told her that if she decided she needed to move out, it would be over for good and that I can't build a relationship with someone if they're going to just walk out when things get tough. This was really the first time we've ever had any problems and she gave up that quickly. Oh I almost forgot the first time I met her brother in law he told me to be careful because their whole family is crazy. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise.