I can't sleep, so I can only write... please help... my heart writhes in pain...

[beanpot]

Dear ENA Community,

 

I've made progress since the breakup but today was a bad day. A single social media profile view feels like it destroyed months of progress (I haven't even had the urge to look for 3 months... but today... mistake...). Why. How can this be so hard. How can a heart hurt so much. I've never told my story because every situation has so many nuances it would be impossible to accurately describe the course of events. I have also never told my story because it is just a one-sided, biased account. I've never told my story because ultimately... I know what the responses will be. But I've been tossing and turning for 3 hours... and I know that no sleep can happen unless I can get this off of my mind... off of my heart...

 

I met a woman who was wonderful in every way. I am sure it is not unlike many other lovebirds that met and quickly fell in love. We had a short honeymoon period of less than half a year before the conflicts began. What I did not know is that she struggled with anxiety. And for much of the fighting initially, this fact remained hidden from me. The reason for the conflicts were so seemingly irrational; I grew frustrated and could not empathize. I felt like I was doing everything I could to appease and mediate but the fighting just continued. So I asked for a break. She broke down and cried and divulged her struggles with anxiety. My heart melted. I loved this woman. We resumed our relationship with my new found knowledge of her anxiety.

 

If things went smoothly afterward, I would not be here... We continued to fight. Despite knowing about her anxiety, it was still not enough to prevent conflict. I planned a vacation together to Costa Rica for the two of us. To escape from the stresses of our work-lives and bond with each other. A month before that trip... we argued about where we would live after marriage. Ultimately, I told her that I would live wherever she would want to live. I want her happiness. I want to be with her. But the argument shook her to the core and made her feel scared, nervous, ill at ease. Her therapist told her that love sometimes isn't enough, and that she isn't ready for a relationship. She broke up with me. I was devastated. I begged, I pleaded, I groveled. But it was no use. Instead, I cried to the customer service representatives as I canceled our dream vacation. And so began the first time we were apart...

 

We spent 3 months with occasional messaging. No calls. No meet-ups. One day, she reached out for a meal. I accepted. We re-ignited our relationship. I was incredibly hesitant, nervous, scared. I brought back so much pain and sorrow from the 3 months apart. I wanted her to heal it. I wanted her to help me get over the pain. I pushed for reassurance, I pushed for love, I pushed for contact, I pushed to intertwine our lives. She gave me some of what I needed, but was unable to give me all that I needed. I pushed to the point where she got mad at me... for asking too much of her... Hurtful words were exchanged. I broke up with her again in the heat of the moment. I regretted it immediately but the damage was done. The trust broken. I apologized, I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I groveled again.

 

Her last words to me before she initiated NC... "I need to grow on my own without you or any other man in my life"

 

It's been 45 days of NC. I immediately stopped using social media since the breakup. But today I caved and I looked at Instagram. And the pain flooded back. I am not worried about another man because I know she is indeed spending this time to work on herself. I just long for her. I feel sorrow for the lost time. I wish we could be building for a future together, instead of walking our separate paths.

 

As with all others with remorse... I have beaten myself to a bloody pulp a million times over. Sometimes the self-hatred and guilt becomes overwhelming. I have played every scenario over a thousand times. I read too much into everything. She didn't take down pictures of us on social media... I hold onto hope. She has not asked for the things that she's left at my condo... I hold onto hope. She still has her set of keys to my condo... I hold onto hope. I clutch to every bit of hope... I cling to it as if my life depended on it. Quite literally.

 

I think about how much of a fool I was to bring back so much pain and sorrow back into the relationship when we had that second chance. When she reached out. But she broke up with me in the first place... It was a brutal experience. Canceling our vacation was a brutal experience. I wanted her to coddle me and get me over that pain. But the truth of the matter is... she struggles with anxiety. I should have been more empathetic and realized her limits. But I let my own pain control me, and drive me off of a cliff.

 

These past 3 months apart from her have been a challenge. Quite literally the hardest thing that I've ever had to do in my life. I've purchased over a dozen books on relationships and read through them, annotated them, kept notes on good techniques for conflict resolution, and good techniques to keep a harmonious relationship. I've read books and journal articles and online blog posts about the struggles that an individual anxiety goes through. I've grown my empathy a million fold. I can put myself in her shoes and can comprehend the root of every conflict that I had previously deemed irrational.

 

I've spent these months living my life and focusing on my work. I see friends, I see family, and I keep myself occupied as much as possible. But with every action that I take, I think about how it might affect her. I avoid anything that might make her sad or mad in the event that we reunite. This hope... that I cling to... it is a blessing and a curse. There are so many times when my mind spirals and I chase a negative thought into an abyss... and the hope of reuniting is the one thing that can pull me out back into the light. But clinging to this hope is also what keeps the pain ever present, ever looming. A Catch-22. A rock and a hard place.

 

I have wonderful friends. They have given their time generously to me during the acute phases (both times). But now that it's been a few months already, most of them assume I should be better. But goodness... it could not be further from the truth. Many of them talk about dating again to help me move on. Dating... it's the last thing that I would want to do. I would feel guilty just thinking about my ex. It also wouldn't even be fair to whomever I dated... they wouldn't stand a chance. I love my friends dearly for their support, but I know that they have their limits. So I tell them that things are all better.

 

I met a woman who was wonderful in every way. I am sure it is not unlike many other lovebirds that met and quickly fell in love. But I was naive and I thought I knew what it was that I wanted in a relationship. But in love, none of those preconceived notions are important. In love, a man finds out who he wants to be. This woman has helped to shape the man that I am, and the man that I want to be.

 

I cling to hope, because the death of hope is terrifying to me. And so I hope that I can one day say these words: "I love you. I don't love you despite your anxiety and your imperfections. I love you because of your strength and courage when facing your anxiety. I love you because of your will and desire to grow and become the best version of yourself. I love all of your exceptional qualities that make you beloved by others, and I love you for all of your small quirks that come out when you are alone with me. I love your radiant smile that lights up every room and every picture. I love the daintiness of your hand as it squeezes mine. I hope and I pray and I work hard at becoming a man that is deserving of your love and trust. You are my heart. You are my world. You are my everything. I am here waiting, patiently.

[Kahlanbeau1]

Hey. First of all, you're still here, and you are still carrying on, so we'll done. Heartbreak is the most painful thing to go through. Dating other people can help raise self esteem, but if you get in a relationship and still have feelings then it's pointless, and unfair on the person.

So my advice, give yourself time. Work on yourself, and don't date if you don't want to. Do what your ex girlfriend is doing. You sound as if you're still very much in love with her? So give it 2 months, no contact. If you still feel the same ask to meet up with her after that time. But really take the time to work on yourself, and think if the relationship was healthy, if it could have been fixed, or if it was never really going to get better. Love can be the hardest thing, and unfortunately it doesn't just die out after a relationship ends. All good relationships take so much work from both parties involved. I'd focus on yourself, sorting out why you feel this way, give yourself new goals etc to reach for.

 

I hope you begin to feel better, and it does ease in time.

[beanpot]

Thank you for your words. Thank you thank you. The feelings just get overwhelming at times. So overwhelming.