MobBarley Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year and 3 months. For the past couple months, we've been fighting about the same things very frequently. Some of these fights include that I feel like we aren't hanging out as much, that she seems to want sex less, and that we seem to be distancing. Any little problem turns in to a big fight. Honestly, I feel like most of the fights are my fault, but I don't know how to stop. We're currently taking a 2 week break to step back and focus on ourselves. However, I can't stop thinking about her and what she's doing and if she's thinking about me. I probably sound crazy and obsessed, which probably isn't too far from the truth. It's worth noting here that I've been struggling to fight anxiety and depression since the winter. My anxiety always seems to flare up when we fight. I feel like I need constant reassurance that she loves me in order to actually feel loved. I'm feeling disconnected from her and that the relationship is in trouble. However, we've talked about breaking up and neither of us want to. It's hard to simply talk about problems because they always turn into huge fights. I feel like whenever I'm studying, hanging out with other friends, or having alone time, she's always on my mind. She wants me to "loosen the grip" on her and the relationship. However, I always seem to unconsciously overdo it by not texting her or wanting to be with her at all, in the hopes that she'll miss me and want to spend more time together. Even though I recognize this disastrous behavior, it still seems to happen. I always seem to do things to get back at her unconsciously. Every time I feel good that I can take a step back and relax and not cause trouble, it happens anyways. My fear is that I'm way too dependent on her and can't seem to shake the dependency. I've also been wondering if there are problems with the relationship because of my depression and anxiety, or if the problems in the relationship are causing my mental health issues. Anyways, I'm trying to focus on myself. She told me that she doesn't think I love myself and how it's hard to love someone who doesn't love themself. I'm trying my best to focus on myself and keep her off my mind, but all my attempts don't seem to help. Does anyone have any advice for how to stop having these problems? to start focusing on myself more? to keep her off my mind? to not be so dependent? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 What does it mean to love myself?? Well, a little bit of KY jelly and a really good porno works for me. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Do you think she is right? Do you feel as though you love and respect yourself? If not, where do you think that came from? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Mr Clintons humor aside, to love yourself means to feel comfortable with who you are. To be able to be alone and not anxious. To have enough confidence that you are not constantly seeking validate from the attention of others. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 First off your are NOT depressed because you "need to feel loved with her words". She is simply NOT speaking your love language!!! Both of you read 5 love languages ASAP!!! Also, unless you are making your relationship and yourself a priority....it's not going to work long term. You BOTH need to spend time together. Companionship is the biggest part of relationship, without it....well, you will experience what you are experiencing. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Mr Clintons humor aside, to love yourself means to feel comfortable with who you are. To be able to be alone and not anxious. To have enough confidence that you are not constantly seeking validate from the attention of others. It's Friday. The thanksgiving long weekend is almost upon us in the great white north. Who can be serious today with a title like that. It was a gift served up and begging to be used. Link to comment
Movingforward3 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 You need to get into therapy. Depression is hard on a relationship. If you love this girl, you need to get on it now. I understand from the flip side. It is a struggle everyday to deal with a depressed partner. I want you to make it with her. You need to communicate with Her and get her to understand your struggles. It can work out, but you need to put in the effort. Link to comment
Movingforward3 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 What does it mean to love myself?? Well, a little bit of KY jelly and a really good porno works for me. A cute girl works better for me Link to comment
Dcgent Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 You sound like you can't be yourself, because you don't know who you are. I would first say that it doesn't sound like you guys are really meant for each other. like the languages of love recommendation above. I don't think you guys are speaking the same language and it is making your insecurities only increase 100 fold. Link to comment
Cha0z Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 My friend you are not alone. I myself was in your shoes a few years ago. I don't think you need therapy. I think you need a mentor. Someone with lots of life experience and wisdom to share with you. Sometimes having a good friend twice your age can put things into a whole new perspective. Mine tend to share their mistakes willingly as stories. They usually always tell you how they got through it and what they could have done differently. But you have to take it in. Find someone unbiased that won't take sides an lays the whole thing out on the table for you. That's how I broke free. It's hard to see the road ahead sometimes! And, it can be scary. Having a friend that has been on that same road already can help you navigate it on your own. But you gotta focus on you bud! If it's not working you can't force it. Link to comment
MobBarley Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 I do feel like she is right! and i feel like she feels the same way. I don't feel like I don't love myself, but I'm not really sure how it feels to actually love yourself. I'm not sure where it came from. I've been seeing a therapist since around May. I'm on medication for my depression but right now it's making the anxiety worse. Why do you guys say we aren't right for each other? The thought of breaking up with her is devastating, even while we're at this low point. Is bringing her into the counseling a good idea? Link to comment
Cha0z Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Just they way you described how you feel, I can say I've been their myself. I eventually drove my lady friend away. She felt I was too unstable. She was kind of right. I had been seeing a therapist as well. After multiple false diagnosis for adhd, bi polar, depression, ect, I was finally Diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I do not know if it still is considered so. But Asperger's was considered part of the Autism spectrum. Anyway, It's more of a lack of ability to see the gray area of social situations. I'm not saying you have it. But do a little reading on it. We like to call ourselves aspies. We don't feel we are disabled. We just feel we have a different way of thinking. We only see things as right or wrong at times. For example; doing exactly the speed limit because that's what we understand as right. While the flow of traffic is moving faster we see those people as law breakers. Which really isn't so much the case because the gray area is to not disrupt traffic flow. It seems like you are having trouble seeing the gray area in the relationship. Without actually being there to see what you see, I cannot say it is working because I only know what you've highlighted. It just seems like you are having the same social hiccups I had. Like I said I am not diagnosing you. But do some research and If you feel it sounds like you. Then bring it up to your counselor. They are going to be better at looking into it. If they do say it is you then they can help you explain your predicament to her. If she understands and is willing to help you work on those social skills. By all means try to make it work. But if not aspies have their own support forums. Try looking there. It's hard I know. But love is hard to define as it is. The harder you try to understand it the more it will drive you up a wall. Love for yourself or someone else. Stick with being happy and proud of who you are. Faults and all. Link to comment
Psych Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 What does it mean to love yourself? Great question. In my mission to answer this question lately, I've found that it boils down to one thing that is easier said than done: get in touch with your deepest needs and learn how to satisfy them yourself. This takes the pressure off of others to make us happy, which leads to more satisfying relationships. These deep needs are often called "inner child" or similar names, to depict the innocent, honest, basic nature of them. The idea is to get reacquainted the innocent child you once were who still exists within you; and take care of it as if your adult self is the parent. As we go through life, we experience things that hurt us, and those wounds (even old ones) need to be healed so that we can move forward without old wounds affecting our life in the present. For more elegant depictions of the concept, I would recommend doing some research. The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne is very good and very practical. Link to comment
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