Name change reasons..and I totally messed this up! What should I say?

[SoundofReason]

I recently changed my name a few months ago. I like it and it feels great. Not only do I like my new name, but I feel like I can leave my abusive past behind me. However, I have yet been able to nail down WHY or WHEN I should let people know or if I should let them know....ever.

 

So I was at work the other day, and I ran into an old trainer from my previous job. She didn't know about the name change and I wasn't going to say anything until someone came by me and said, "Hey XXXX" I was like ugh...then while talking, I noticed that she kept looking down at my badge which was covered...so my problem is I talk to dang much and so I told her I changed my name and that it was due to family reasons because they did some horrible things(my mom and step dad were abusive my entire life). Her response was..."I thought it was your middle name" GREAT....so now not only does she know...but she may tell other people at my previous job that she still talks to(which is 8 other people) and now Im worried and nervous because I didnt want anyone to find that out...so what do I do here..should I let it bother me? Because it really is...

 

My next situation is when to tell someone period about this. I have a new group of friends since moving to the city and they do not know ANYTHING about this and I prefer to keep it that way, since the next question will by why did you change your name. This is a very private thing for me and I really don't want anyone and everyone to know about it. My friend back home says that I should only tell someone I am really serious with and I don't agree with that either..in fact, I told someone that I was dating about a month ago(thought it was going to be serious) and the next month we were done..so now someone knows my business and I don't like that..is it really that bad if I don't want to talk about this with anyone? If i don't want people to find out? Burying my past is a big thing, but I just want to keep it buried.

 

So my questions are...the next time someone finds out(like my co worker just did) what should I say? I want to give as little info as possible.

 

Should I ever tell a significant other? Is it really necessary? The friend thing I can say oh I just wanted to change it...but with a significant other, I feel like I need to be upfront and truthful about my abusive past...The other problem is that people will sometimes want to know what the old name was and I really don't even want to say it it disgusts me that much, so what should I say?

[mhowe]

I would sincerely doubt the trainer is going to tell anyone. It is a huge deal to you----it isn't to her.

 

You don't need to tell anyone, ever.

 

My grandfather changed his name when he was 18. My father (his son) found out about it AFTER he died. And he even gave my father the exact same name!!!!

[Lucia Amman]

I am with mhowe, usually people care way less about you and your business than you would think. For you it's a big deal, for your past co-worker not so much. The fact that she stated that she thought it was your middle name says to me that she isn't very impressed with your name change. Why would she tell someone else about it?

 

Second if someone finds out, you don't need to tell the whole truth. You can just say that you liked it better this way: which is as true as it gets and no one needs to know more other than that. I know someone who had a very good relationship with her folks but still changed her name because she liked it better and thought it more fitting for her, her life and lifepath.

 

Be proud you got to choose your own name! Be proud from how far you've come. If you own your new name like that everyone will praise your decision without knowing the details of it.

[ParisPaulette]

First, congratulations on the name change. I used to work in a women's shelter and while one wouldn't think a name change could make such a huge difference, it really can. So again well done on you for choosing a path that works for you.

 

Now, on to the other. If she tells others or not you need to view this as now there are other people who you don't need to explain it to, should you bump into them. Look at this in a positive light, you may even inspire someone else to do the same thing. That's if she even says anything, most people are going to stay pretty quiet about that.

 

In the future you want to focus your energy on telling those closest to you and if someone asks. The thing is many people change their names. Women do it every time they get a divorce and opt for their maiden name again instead of their former married name, people much like yourself do name chances too, as do people sometimes who simply don't like their original name and/or got bullied over a last name. I know two people who did that.

 

It's as big a deal as you let it be a big deal. If anyone is going to judge you for that believe me, they are already looking to find things to judge people on. Criminals who change their name will never tell anyone, will go to great lengths of hide it in fact. You aren't doing that at all, almost the opposite. And while I applaud you for your honesty the fact is you don't really need to bring it up unless asked and/or you get close enough to someone then to tell them about it and why.

 

You did fine though. Honestly, I'd probably have done the same thing in your shoes. Time and experience will help you learn how to address this and when, much the same way I had to navigate taking back my maiden name after my divorce. It's okay, you did fine, it's a far bigger thing in your universe than it is in anyone else's too. So shoulders back and enjoy that new name and the feelings that go with it. I am all for anyone taking back their life however they choose to do it.

[Trammel]

Hi. I changed my name 20 years ago for similar reasons. I moved states right after that, (and now I even live in a different country) so I didn't have such a problem with telling people I already knew. I told some old coworkers and just said it was for personal reasons and they didn't ask more than that.

I assure you I am very happy I changed my name and have never regreted it.I think you did a good thing for yourself.

I told my current boyfriend after I had told him some things about my past, and one day he was asking me something about my name, so I told him that I had changed it. At that point he already knew a lot about my past and understood the reasons for the change. But you don't have to go into details, even with your significant other.

[JustWishing]

Changing your name is not unusual. People do it. They get married, personal reasons, even witness protection programs. I would not worry about the trainer. You were being honest and that is okay. I don't think she tells people about your private business, especially not because of the reason you gave her. Heads up, it is great to be the "NEW YOU"!

[SoundofReason]

I would sincerely doubt the trainer is going to tell anyone. It is a huge deal to you----it isn't to her.

 

You don't need to tell anyone, ever.

 

My grandfather changed his name when he was 18. My father (his son) found out about it AFTER he died. And he even gave my father the exact same name!!!!

 

when you say that I don't need to tell anyone ever..does that include a significant other? I really don't want to tell anyone this story...it is just too negative..

[SoundofReason]

I like what you wrote about what I put...the problem is everyone knows me as Name X and I should have had it changed BEFORE I moved to my new city, but I didn't so for 6 months I met people under the old name. I am just afraid I am going to be out and about one day and someone is going to say Hey XX! Right in front of my friends ..and then the WHOLE thing will be out of the bag..I definitely dont want that!

 

A story that I came up with if that does happen, is tel them I went by a second name at my job due to the nature of my work (call center) and I figured that that might be ok.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for you kind words! Your post was inspiring!