This breaking up stuff

[amika98]

Finally ended my 2.5 year relationship with my bf last night, have lived with for a year. I knew in the end that I had to end it and my gut was telling me I had to go, I can't communicate with him emotionally and we can't have a successful argument and I had unmet emotional needs and his negativity for the future scared me, I pictured myself marrying him and knew it wouldn't last and we wouldn't be happy. He's so great as a friend but I knew I couldn't keep up a romantic relationship with him when it's so hard for me to understand him. We were fine until we weren't and I realize we didn't have the ability to work through the tough times because ultimately we're too different. I know it was the right decision but my heart is so broken today. Doing the right thing still causes so much pain. I don't know why I'm even typing, just feel sad and alone.

[ntAgainPetunia]

I'm sorry to hear this, ending relationships is difficult and painful. It's going to hurt for a while.

 

I see that in your previous thread that you have just started seeing a therapist. That's probably the most important thing for you right now, figuring out what makes YOU tick.

 

Realize that not everyone thinks and processes emotions in the same way. If you get a chance, look into the subject of attachment theory. From the few things you've written, it sounds like you might have an anxious attachment pattern, while your ex-bf (you have to get used to that term) may have a secure pattern.

 

With time and understanding, this will get better. Make sure to take care of yourself.

[amika98]

Thank you for your support and input and I will definitely look into that...I agree that I do appear to have anxious attachment tendencies.

 

Part of me feels like I screwed it up, but I'm serious when I say that I can't understand him, it's brought me so much pain and confusion. I feel like because he processes emotions so different than me, it exacerbates that insecurity in me and I feel so much at a loss because I can't resolve things.

[Miffycat14]

No you didn't screw it up. If you look up attachment patterns you will see that fundamentally you two are different and it probably wouldn't of worked. I hope you're okay. It gets better.

[Batya33]

Yes hang in there and eventually this closed door leaves it open for the right person. I ended an on/off again 7 year relationship about 10 years ago. Also had to do with not clicking emotionally. It took about 4 months after that for it finally to click as to why we never worked (despite the back and forth). 6 weeks after that I started dating my future husband.

[amika98]

You know, I'm reading up on this and I really think that I'm not that awfully anxiously attached normally. But I can see how I appear that way on this forum...because I have in fact become an anxiously attached mess the past couple months as we started having problems and I was grasping for attention/disclosure/reassurance and I couldn't get it. They say a secure attachment should help ease an anxious...I do believe my now ex is very secure...but because we don't click emotionally, it doesn't smooth things out naturally. And I really appreciate your input Batya33 because I could see myself get confused and try to get him back to keep working on things, because there was a lot going right...but without emotionally clicking, it'll always be a struggle. Thank you for stating that.

[Miffycat14]

If you read my original post you'll find I did exactly the same thing. I never had an issue with anxiety or clingy behaviour until I could tell my ex didn't want me. I put up with some horrible things. We have only been broken up for a week, two days into no contact and my brain is already beginning to think why are you even bothered!

[lilygirl]

A breakup can certainly bring up anxiety! I am currently reading "Attached: The new science of adult attachment" by Amir Levine and it is fascinating! I highly recommend it. It explains anxious behaviour in relationships, where it can come from and what it means.

[amika98]

Yep, lilygirl, just downloaded the audiobook a couple hours ago from Amazon...also "Insecure in Love" looked pretty good too, but my latest breakup stress lead me to purchase more outstanding relationship books than I have time to read. Haha But will be a good task for me now that I'm single again...there's always more to learn.

[lilygirl]

I had never read relationship books before this last breakup but this one is very helpful.. I was surprised at how anxious I felt, as I had not experienced that kind of anxiety before so I figured it was worth some investigating to figure out what had happened. I am learning for next time.

[Ms Darcy]

It's definitely going to be a tough transition initially, but you will get through it. Good luck and it sounds like it was the best decision for where you are.

[jessie89]

Sometimes breaking up is the hardest and saddest thing to do even though the relationship isn't right. You did a really brave thing. You knew you were two different people and that it wouldn't have lasted a long time, so you did something about it. Seeing a therapist is a great idea; I did the same thing because my toxic relationship left me doubting my own self worth so much. Just know that in time you'll be okay, these things are never easy but they DO get easier