Increasingly frustrated and stumped

[Cidmercury]

I need advice. I'm not looking for people to judge my family or my boyfriend I'm in the situation I'm in because of my choices.. I just need help dealing.

The main topic is my bf but I'll give you some back story.

There is alot of drama surrounding my family, everyone has issues. My parents are divorced and brothers are no longer friends. I have 2 brothers.. one, my twin, just got married. In doing so my father has been nothing but horrible to him and said awful things and my older brother has done the same. So my twin did not invite them to the wedding. (Long story short) my parents but heads ALOT and my mother likes to tell me all about it. . And she likes to talk about my older brother. My father does the same.. he calls and goes off about my mom and my twin and my older brother... I am literally in the middle of everybody's bull.

Now my older brother is depressed and angry and kind of a loner and with the drama with my dad and our brother.. he called me to talk. He broke down and cried (and that's a big deal cuz he's a tough guy tattooed hard shelled biker who bottles everything up) by the way he's 30 and my twin and I are 25.. anyways he broke down and told me for the last couple months he's been drinking heavily and doing alot of coke and "tempting death" basically told me he was trying to see how close he could get to killing himself. He would get wasted and coked out and leave the bar on his bike and speed like crazy and play chicken... needless to say we had a good talk and I feel better about him.

I AM AT MY END WITH MY FAMILY'S DRAMA. I am so beyond done with my parents childish garbage and my brothers fighting all the time.

 

NOW my boyfriend comes to me to tell me his baby's mama and ex who is normally great and they work civilly has now decided to take him to court for more money. So he's all stressed out and went off about how he's so grumpy and irritable and everything makes him mad and he doesn't know why and can never get a break. I tried to be there for him I tried to give him advice and positive words and say hey. .. you gotta make some changes and face your demons etc etc and he gives me passive aggressive irritable responses like "ya, I know.. thanks for making me feel worse about it" or just like "ya I get it"

Then out if nowhere he makes a comment that he wouldn't be lying if he said he hadn't thought about ending it all and how he would go about doing it (killing himself)

...great so not only is my brother in a dark place but now my bf or 3 years is going down hill

 

My bf is really the only person I truly have the energy and motivation to want to support and be there for but he doesn't talk to me. He will not open up. . He seems great and I had no idea he had thoughts like that or was even unhappy... I want to help him but he will not accept it or talk to me. I get he's got alot of things to stress about but how do you help somebody who won't let you in. I've suggested counselling or a therapist and he refuses. And again when I try to say something or give advice he just gets defensive and accuses me of putting him down. Then he just comes back and tells me he wants to be left alone...

Well I can't just leave him alone after what he just said about ending it all but he is so stubborn and angry and closed off now that I really do just want to say ok! Fine! Do it all by yourself then. I tried, you don't want help then fine. Have your space.

 

I'm pulling my hair out trying to deal with all my family's drama and then to top it off my boyfriend is also not in a good place. What do I do..

[reinventmyself]

It sounds as if you were raised amongst a great deal of drama and this is what you are accustomed to.

It's probably not surprising at all that you chose a partner that is prone to drama himself.

 

You are increasingly aware of all the dysfunction and it is beginning to take it's toll. It's time to start setting some boundaries with your immediate family that you neither want to be involved, nor hear of any conflicts.

You can still have a relationship with each of them separately but they need to keep the conflict to themselves.

 

What happens you went you start creating boundaries and start changing the rules and conducting yourself in a more balanced and healthy way, in time you outgrow those around you.

 

It's as if you grow up and they stay stuck, so be prepared to make some choices.

[boltnrun]

My therapist asked me who the most important person in my life was. Of course I answered "my kids!" And she replied "Wrong! The most important person in your life is YOU! You can't be any good for your kids if you're a mess".

 

And you know, she was right.

 

You are taking the world on your (very young) shoulders. Sooner or later you will break if there isn't some relief.

 

I get you want to help, but if you buckle under the stress you can't help anyone.

 

Is there a way you can take some time for yourself to do things you love to do? Some time to paint, read, run, go for a bike ride, get silly with a girlfriend? If you can't blow off steam you will eventually implode.

[LoveSoDeep]

Maybe he doesn't want you top help him with words right now. Maybe he doesn't want to hear what he's doing wrong or your idea about what he could do differently. Maybe he just wants you to be there.

 

Maybe what he wants is to put all the drama aside (yours and his) and just be there....just be present together for a day a night a weekend. I think you both need a break from the drama to get back to who you really are.

[catfeeder]

I'd nip the family stuff by disallowing any of them to dump on you. I'd tell each of them privately, "I adore you and want to spend as much time together as we can, and I'm open to discussing anything in the world--except for other family members." You'll get the predictable objection that you're the 'only one' I can speak with about this,' and I'd counter that that's no longer the case. I'm not the family social worker, and the dumping not only harms me, it harms you because it acts as just enough of a pressure valve to keep things exactly where they are.

 

They dump, they feel better, you feel worse, and nothing changes. That's called 'enabling'. I'd skip that and tell family to either find a therapist, find a neutral friend, take it to clergy, or work it out with the person they're complaining about--but the family dumping ground is officially closed, and so now, where would you like to go to eat?

 

The BF has told you specifically WHY he shuts down--you offer opinions and advice that makes him feel worse. So stop doing that. Tell BF that you've though about what he said, you recognize that you've given him unsolicited advice when he just wanted you to listen, and you promise not to do that anymore--and if you do, he can call you on it and you'll give him 20 bucks on the spot.

 

You've got two opposite problems with BF and family. Your family wants you to play referee and make calls on their battle ground in their favor, while BF is NOT looking for a referee, he wants to discuss his problems without being critiqued or managed.

 

If you want peace, go quiet. Stop managing others. Come up with creative ways to visit with each of these people to engage the outside world rather than turning it into a workshop for their problems. You'll feel better, and you'll encourage confidence in each of these adults' abilities to handle their own stuff on their own--without you attempting to do it FOR them.

 

Consider whether you have enough interests and a social life beyond managing others. If not, then the one who might most benefit from therapy would be you, because you've turned managing others into your only hobby and you need another focus to let go of doing that.

 

Head high.