What causes cheating?

[metro_girl]

It's a character flaw. I've never cheated in a relationship. I'm not sure if I've ever been cheated on. I usually end bad relationships before it gets to that stage. For some people, it's easier to find another person than to even mention there are difficulties or problems to work out in the relationship. For others, like for a lot of women who cheat, it's all about the outrageous flirting and attention from other men. It seems men are afraid to leave relationships unless they have someone else in the wings.

[coollady1957]

my ex bf and i broke up due to his cheating, we had great sex, we enjoyed all kinds of things together, he said i was the angel he had waited for all his life, i gave my love , my heart, my soul, my body to this man and yet it wasnt enough,,,,,, it just seemed nothing was ever good enough,,,,, he sought other women online and set up meetings and cheated on me,,,,,, if i was all the things he said i was, then doesnt make sense to cheat on the one you love does it. i am still so very confused about it.

[raineysong]

I never said that my ex "made" me cheat, nor did I justify my decision to cheat. There truly is no justification for that choice, however, there are definite reasons (obvious or not) that may motivate or influence someone to choose that path. The funny thing is here, everyone and anyone is capable of cheating, provided the right conditions are in place. Often, the very people who claim they would never do such a thing or behave that way are as much at risk as anyone else! So are the folks who think it will never happen to them. We are all capable of being weak, wrong, and imperfect. In addition, is not a wise thing to "blindly" trust anyone, period, including your beloved. Believing "once a cheater, always a cheater" is teetering on ignorance. You cannot possibly know another person's past, what's inside their minds, or their hearts...or the traumas they have faced. I stand firm on the fact that whether a person will continue to cheat is strictly up to each individual person, just as forgiving is an individual choice to be made. Blanket stereotyping without any substantial knowledge, evidence, or experience (on either end) is not sufficient grounds to make an intelligent judgment about the matter.

[raineysong]

One last comment (and I'll shut up). Sometimes, an affair can actually strengthen and improve a relationship, and although I totally agree that it is the cheater's decision to cheat, the partner does play a significant role in some way or another. They may live in denial and pretend it's not happening, they may lack the ability to be intimate, may be suffocating or clingy, or a hundred other possibilities. Many people resort to cheating in order to keep their marriage intact. Many people do love their spouse and don't want to end their marriage, but resort to external methods to get needs met that are not being met with their spouse. Lastly, there are many extenuating circumstances involved that may complicate leaving their spouse--especially children. A BF/GF situation is obviously a lot less complicated. By the way, my current spouse cheated on me for 3 months 2 years before we got married. Although it was very difficult, I chose to give him a second chance. I don't regret doing so at all. He was extremely remorseful and has more than proved himself to be trustworthy again. I stopped believing that it's a good idea to place everything I am and have into his hands. That's too much pressure on him and it's not good for me. We have both learned a great deal from the situation, and the greatest part is that we are very up-front and honest about our thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, and goals. And being aware that we are just as susceptible as anyone else when it comes to the temptation to cheat, serves only to further strengthen our relationship. People can not only change, they can become even better if they choose to learn something from their mistakes. Don't play the 'victim' role and stereotype cheaters if it has happened to you and you are just bitter. Until you can accept your ownership in the situation, you cannot see things objectively enough to be fair.

[novaseeker]

The bottom line is that cheating adds an additional problem to a relationship, even if the relationship already had problems to begin with. It's self-serving for a cheater to view cheating as a way of preserving a marriage ... it's too unilateral and deceptive. If both partners to the marriage agree to stay in the marriage for other reasons (children, finances or something) but agree to have an "open" marriage so that they can have their needs met outside the marriage, that's one thing, but for one partner to decide to do that unilaterally without the consent of the spouse is always, always a selfish decision. Trying to dress it up in another way is simply that ... dressing it up.

 

Of course there are underlying problems most of the time when someone cheats. But the cheater is always responsible for his/her reaction (which wasn't the only one on the table) to being in that situation, and for bringing additional problems to the table, because the cheating itself brings more problems, additional ones, that have to be worked on as well.

 

I'm sorry, I have no sympathy for cheaters. I know many of them are unhappy and cheat because of that, but honestly it's not the only option open to them, and in my opinion choosing to cheat is one of the most self-centered, selfish acts someone can engage in, in the context of a relationship.

[raineysong]

Wouldn't it be grand if we all functioned perfectly? Perfection for us (at least those of us who are saved) will be in our next and final life. I don't feel sorry for cheaters, nor do I feel sorry for myself for doing it when I did. The point I am obviously failing to make is not about right or wrong, because if you examine the human race, we "all" fall short somewhere. We all have some degree of baggage that is derived from childhood, external influences, internal influences, our own personal weaknesses, character flaws and so on. Forget "the cheater" and justifying the decision to cheat and realize that we are all humans and humans tend not to be perfect. I feel that "society" often crucifies cheaters, as if they have comitted the unpardonable sin! The Ten Commandments, nor sin in general, is arranged in "degrees" of bad or worse. The Ten Commandments were not written for us to keep them. They were written to "show" us that we couldn't keep them, and that we needed a better way to cover our sins. Do your homework and you will discover that people who are suffering with low self-esteem are more prone to have affairs..along with those who were molested. Not everyone is blessed enough to be raised in a loving, leave it to Beaver environment where they are properly nurtured or protected through childhood or in an environment that promotes normal or healthy thinking. If that were the case, no one would ever cheat...or lie...or do anything that might remotely hurt themselves or anyone else. That's not the reality we live in. Some people are alcoholics, drug addicts, food addicts, child abusers, molesters, theives, self-righteous, pious, frigid, narrow-minded---it all stems from the fact that we are all flawed, some more than others..and with some, it is just more obvious. King David was a "cheater." God not only forgave him, he restored him and brought him to great power and wealth. It is the same today, which brings me to the 2nd point, "We are all capable of making mistakes, possessing ideas and attitudes which are faulty and dysfunctional, and we are all capable of learning from our mistakes, repenting, and changing our behavior. Hate the behavior of the cheater all you want to, but don't hate the person for being imperfect. Last time I checked, God had not given His thrown over to anyone else. If you have been cheated on, then you have a decison to make. You determine whether or not it's worth giving them a second chance or you move on. If you give them a second chance and they do it again, you have another decision to make. If you get cheated on, you can play the victim role and "choose" to be bitter for the rest of your life or you can realize that human frailty "is" extremely unilateral, and if you expect someone to be perfect, you will find yourself eternally disappointed and angry at someone (which locks you in a perpertual victim role.) If we are willing to offer ourselves as a sacrifice to another human being with the attitude that says "by God, they owe me for what I have given," we shouldn't be shocked when we learn that it doesn't always work to our advantage.

[mscolly]

Well raineysong, you've really put me in my place. This last posting of yours seems have summed up exactly how I've been feeling about having been cheated on, i.e. a powerless victim crucified by my wife. The worst is, what you're saying I've been preaching for years (my wife and I are catechists at the local church here). What a big difference there is between knowing/saying something at the intellectual level, even recognising something as true deep down in your heart, and actually living it. All in all, I'd say my wife, the cheater, has understood for a long time what you've said and has stopped being scandalised by what she has done.

 

Thanks raineysong.

[novaseeker]

Keep in mind that my post was not directed at you personally, raineysong, but is simply my own opinion on the matter, having been cheated on in the past. And no, I don't "play the victim", and no, I don't blame the collapse of my marriage on my ex-wife's affair, which at the end of the day was simply another problem among many with which we had to deal. And I harbor no bitterness towards her and I have forgiven her ... and I would encourage others who have been cheated on to do the same because ultimately that helps you move on with life. But the act of cheating itself is objectively wrong. Sure, we all have our weaknesses and our foibles ... the challenge is not to give in to them, and in the context of a committed relationship, giving in to a tendency to cheat is toxic to the relationship and selfish, objectively.

 

Every criminal has reasons for acting like they do in terms of their background, uprbringing, socialisation, socio-economic background, mental health situation and the like. None of that means that they ought not be held to account for their actions, however. Standards are meaningful and necessary, despite the fact that we all come to the party with a different deck of cards. The same holds true for behavior in relationships: standards are meaningful and necessary, despite that we come to them with our own foibles and weaknesses. It isn't about hating people who cheat: rather it's about having standards that apply to behavior, and calling people to account for violating the standard.

[itsovernow]

It's really the person

[itsovernow]

ok gonna post now, yes, was told recently, don't like it at all.

[raineysong]

I couldn't agree with you more, Novaseeker. I just want people to understand that adultery has been around since before Christ, and it will continue to be until Christ returns for us. The fact that it's wrong and not excuseable for any reason is evident, and we have beat that poor horse to death, already. What is most important is the fact that not everyone who cheats will continue to do so. An affair does not necessarily mean the end of a relationship, and can in fact, strenghten a relationship, and that people "can" change their behavior if they want to badly enough. Saying that once a cheater always a cheater is like saying once a fat man always a fat man. The fat man can change his diet and lose the weight. The cheater can also be rehabilitated. I only say this because of direct experience. I, nor my husband certainly do not dare to think that we are the only two special ones on this planet capable of doing so. And yes, the cheater's actions are very selfish. And yes, the cheater should be held accountable. I don't have any quams with everyone being accountable for the wrongs they do, period! I believe that the greatest cause of cheating is the fact that couples fail to set appropriate boundaries as individuals and as a couple to start with. It's like I said before, if the conditions are condusive, then the tempation may become too great, especially if that person is starving for affection, attention, approval, or some sort of validation. If the person is already weakened by something in their past or something that's missing in their past, the odds are much greater that they will yield to temptation. It's not fair, however, to say that all cheaters should be placed in the same category of permanent failure. Some may never change and obviously don't want to. Still, there are plenty of others that "are" willing to be accountable for their actions, seek the help they need, make amends, prove themselves over again, and go on to be better, more compassionate, more honest, human beings. That is called taking the road less traveled, perhaps, because it is certainly challenging, but I know people who have accomplished it, including myself and my mate. Yes, we lost some innocence that we can never regain, but what we've learned has more than balanced those scales in the big picture. An affair does not have to be the end of the world, but instead, a new beginning that offers a much more 'realistic' view.

[Rosesarered]

raineysong, you are wonderful

[CallingAllAngels]

Cheaters tend to defend themselves by saying it is their spouse/gf/relationship that's not satisfying enough (whatever). This always leaves the other person wondering what they did wrong, and doubting themselves. This is not always the case, but usually.

 

I believe it is the person, not the relationship. If you are unhappy in a relationship, fix it, and if you cant, leave it and move on. Don't cheat.

 

If you want sombody else, dump your current gf/bf and go for it.

 

cheaters have very low moral values, and respect for their current partners to be able to do this to them.

 

I saw sombody post the other day - "cheaters are always sorry they cheated, but they are usually even more sorry they got caught!"

Amen....my thoughts exactly.

[Girlygirl2007]

Cheaters tend to defend themselves by saying it is their spouse/gf/relationship that's not satisfying enough (whatever). This always leaves the other person wondering what they did wrong, and doubting themselves. This is not always the case, but usually.

 

I believe it is the person, not the relationship. If you are unhappy in a relationship, fix it, and if you cant, leave it and move on. Don't cheat.

 

If you want sombody else, dump your current gf/bf and go for it.

 

cheaters have very low moral values, and respect for their current partners to be able to do this to them.

 

I saw sombody post the other day - "cheaters are always sorry they cheated, but they are usually even more sorry they got caught!"

 

 

OK, this post could have been written by me.... just a few months ago.

Now, my story is different. And so is my perspective.

 

I am married, have been for 7 years. I have two beautiful children out of this marriage. Fast forward from our honeymoon until this point, and we were stable, happy, living life in the moment. Sex life was not great, but we have two kids, so I chalked up the lack of sex life and connection with my spouse to our hectic lives.

 

Then, I get a new job. I work on projects closely with my colleague, a handsome recently divorced guy, younger than my husband. We become friends. We notice each other. Try not to say anything. Work together 8-9 hours a day, emailing, messages. Then, one day, a little flirtation, the next, we're talking about life's deepest topics. So.... we start sharing information as if we're DATING, or at least beginning to date. The only hitch? I am MARRIED.

He feels guilty, I feel guilty. But it feels so GOOD to have someone notice you. For him and for me.

 

Finally, he starts dating someone. By this time, we have not consummated our thoughts and desires, we have only spoken of them. I am 100% jealous that his attention is going to another (gasp! available) woman. I break it off with him, telling him this is not fair to anyone.

 

So.... short moral to this long story is that I have learned never to say NEVER to anything, because if I do, it's almost sure to present itself to me somehow. I am glad it did not work out with this other person, because I am working on rekindling my relationship with my spouse, and I am happy I did not break my vows. But now that I have experienced this, I can honestly say I do understand how infidelity happens... and I also know firsthand how destructive it can be, having watched my father cheat on my mother, and how it dissolved their 30+ year marriage. The thing is... chemistry can strike between two people at any time.... and it's what you choose to do that counts. I just feel lucky that my situation resolved itself without me having to make terribly hard choices, because I guarantee if we had consummated our relationship, I would be in a world of hurt right now.

 

My two cents.

Girlygirl2007