Took her for granted, and pushed her away.

[gcmc1121]

Hey, how is everyone doing? It's been a while since I posted on here but as always I am so unbelievably grateful to have everyone here though.

 

Like always, if anyone has seen my post, they're long and dreary so please bear with me, the only way I can think of to calm myself right now is to rant... because I've made the biggest mistake of my life because I was scared and didn't believe in myself.

 

1 year 4 month and 6 days ago, I met the most amazing girl. Right off the bat, she picked up on my sarcasm, my humor and the things I considered to be flawed but she appreciated them. During the period I met her, I was going through some horrible things. I was being medically separated from the military but she didn't care. She stood by me. When It was time for me to move on, we've only known each other for 3 months. So Being realistic I didn't move closer to her because we've only known each other for 3 months and we were not in a relationship. I ended up moving back home which was accross the country from where I was stationed. We were inseparable, we shared our darkest secrets with each other, we knew everything about one another. We just could not get enough of one another.

 

When I moved, I had to sign a lease at my new location and that was a year long, and in that year it was dreadful, and all I could think of is to be with her. But she would not have me over there because it was unrealistic for me to move so far for her away from my friends. So because of her pushing, I restrained myself. So not to do so, I stayed where I was. This girl is the only person I can say in my whole life believed in me, the amount of encouragement for her is beyond anything I could've ever dreamed of or asked for. All I wanted for her was for her to be happy and I did not see a future where we would be close enough to be with each other.

 

We spent the year controlling our emotions, trying not to be more than what we were, friends. There was a mutual feeling between us though that wanted so much more, but we tried very hard to keep it under control. So I spent the whole year preparing myself for her to fall in love with a guy who could be with her. Knowing we couldn't actually be together, we edged each other to find dates, I have been on a few dates since then, 4 to be exact and all 4 did not go anywhere. It wasn't because the women I dated were flawed in any way, it was because all I could think of is going home and talking to her and telling her all about my day and asking her all about hers. One of those dates asked me this question, "Do you still have feelings for anyone else?" and I could not answer her, I answered even the deepest questions honestly but I could not answer her this one. In the back of my mind if I said yes, I would admit to myself that I truly loved this girl I've been talking to for a year and 4 months and I couldn't have her. If I said no I would be lying. I simply did not answer.

 

Even after a year of preparing, what I hoped for her and what I feared for me came true. An old friend of hers got back into contact with her and me, excited but horrified at that was happy for her. I did what I felt would make her happy... she was happy and excited to be in touch with him again but I told her the excitement emanating from her was something more. I pushed her to open up to him, to give him a chance, to let him in and see if something can come out of it. It's been 2 months since and their friendship grew stronger and stronger. As their friendship grew, ours became shadowed. This was something I had prepared for since I met her but even after telling myself for a year that we would not be together and she would find someone did not lighten the pain.

 

Even though she says nothing would come out of that relationship I kept pushing her towards someone else... Now that they're closer, all I can think of is how big of a mistake I've made... I was too much of a coward to take the chance and moved for her and now she's gone... The one person I've in the world that believed in me, that was there for me in my time of need and treated me like no one else had before in the world is gone all because I felt I was strong enough to see her go... I should be so happy for her because she is happy but I can't help but struggle to breathe through the jealousy that's drowning me...

 

All I can think of is how much I miss her... how much I hate myself for taking her for granted and how unfair I had been to her. Somebody please... tell me how to make it stop. How to take all the pain again... please.

[reinventmyself]

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[annamonrrial12]

The pain will go away with time. If you see she is that happy let her be just that

[Willywagtail]

I'm unsure why you did what you did. I suppose you were in denial, and maybe you hoped, unconsciously, that by pushing her closer to another guy she would come out and say, I want you.

 

The only way to get over it is to take each day at a time, and live through it. Of course it hurts. It will continue to hurt, but you will get over it it time.

 

Don't be hard on yourself.