Don't know what to do anymore, feeling helpless and confused..

[Buco24]

Hey there,

 

some of you may know my story some not.

 

I broke up with my ex on September 2014 and since then we had many ups and downs until the mid of February and then quit contact.

 

My mother got diagnosed with cancer back in February. It gets worse each day. Now they started a chemo a week ago..

 

I started a new job and left my old place because of my ex, we worked together..

 

Ok that was the short version, for more details just click on my name.

 

Two weeks ago I told all my friends that I don't want to hear or know anything about my ex that no one should tell me anything about him. Although I was dying inside myself for not knowing anything but it kinda made me feel a little better.

 

We work out at the same gym but the thing is I live like 20 seconds from the gym so there's no way I'm gonna change my gym.

 

So I accidentally saw him 2 times in the last few weeks there. It was a total coincidence. But recently I got to know that he was telling that I was waiting for him there and so on.

 

So people are talking behind my back that I can't forget him and can't move on and I'm always waiting for him and so on. And you know what? I did absolutely nothing, zero, nada. He deleted me on fb a month ago as soon as I left my old job. I don't call him, I don't message or email him, nothing. I don't even see him really. So why in hell is he still thinking that I'm kinda 'stalking' him?

 

I don't even say hello when I see him, I totally ignore him.

 

I admit I didn't move on, I still can't forget him but I wouldn't do anything trying to get back with him.

If there'd be a possibility to get back together than he would need to initiate it. I did more than enough for this relationship!

 

And seriously I have more serious problems than him e.g my moms cancer! I don't even know how to handle that!

 

A friend of mine told a friend of his when he said that I seem to can't get over him, no she is moving on, she is even dating and she got more serious problems than him and that I don't have time to even think about him. And the friend was just like you're only telling me this because you want me to tell him.

I don't get it. I didn't tell my gf anything she should tell anyone. She just did tell those stuff on her own. But why would his friend say that?!

My ex seems so in love with himself, he really thinks he's king Louis or something. I don't know why! Yeah I did lots of stuff to get back together with him but that was months ago.

 

I can imagine that he likes the feeling having me on the back plan or as an option or whatever. He probably likes that! I don't know! Can anyone say something about that? What do you think?

 

I don't even know if I could explain my situation..

 

I hope to get some feedback. Thanks in advance! x

[Clinton]

Until you totally let go of the hope you'll reconcile you won't heal. You quit contact mid Feb so.it's only really been about 6 months for you. It takes about 18 months on average to move on from a significant relationship according to some studies. That was my and my divorced friends experience.

 

Up to you about the gym but it seems you're staying there in order to maintain a link somehow.

 

If you really wanted to heal up and move on you'd find another one.

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks. You're way to concerned about that. Who cares.

 

It's over and done. You need to move on for real and get any ideas about reconciliation out of your head.

 

And find a new gym.

[Buco24]

Until you totally let go of the hope you'll reconcile you won't heal. You quit contact mid Feb so.it's only really been about 6 months for you. It takes about 18 months on average to move on from a significant relationship according to some studies. That was my and my divorced friends experience.

 

Up to you about the gym but it seems you're staying there in order to maintain a link somehow.

 

If you really wanted to heal up and move on you'd find another one.

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks. You're way to concerned about that. Who cares.

 

It's over and done. You need to move on for real and get any ideas about reconciliation out of your head.

 

And find a new gym.

 

 

I let go of the hope long time ago. I did everything to move on. Changed my job, quit contacting him and so on.

 

I don't see why I should change my gym when he could too. I even try to go to times when I think he wouldn't be there but by coincidence it happens yet.

 

Yeah that's right I'm way too concerned about what he or his friends think but it's really pissing me off that he's telling stuff like that which isn't true. I know I shouldn't care and I'm trying hard not to but still it bothers me.

 

I really want to get rid of him. I don't want to hear or see him ever again but it still happens. We have too many mutual friends who still talk. I tried to tell some of them they should stop talking but I can't tell everyone.

 

Really 18 months?? The real break up happened in September last year but it got back and forth. I feel like really slowly healing the past few weeks.

 

I really started dating. I just had one date but still I'm trying. I feel like I'm open to new people. A few months ago I couldn't even imagine.

 

The only big problem I feel I have is that I can't forgive him but I probably have to in order to move on forever!

 

So it took you really 18 months until you moved on completely?

[overthemoon86]

 

I don't see why I should change my gym when he could too. I even try to go to times when I think he wouldn't be there but by coincidence it happens yet.

 

 

I really want to get rid of him. I don't want to hear or see him ever again but it still happens.

 

 

You are saying two different things here...you don't want to change gyms, but you also don't want to see him anymore.....solution??? Change gyms!!! You are just torturing yourself by staying there. You know he isn't going to change gyms and you can't control that. What you can control is the gym that you go to. So change it.

[Clinton]

I've been in two long term relationships each if more than decade. And yes, about a year to feel ok and another 6 months or so to have really moved on. My divorced friends as well.

 

I don't think you need forgiveness, just acceptance.

 

In your initial post youre still talking about getting back together but it having to be initiated by him. That's not letting go of hope and accepting its over.

 

And the gym really is you hoping against hope you'll run into him and he'll say something positive.

 

We've all been there to one degree or another. But youve got to truly let go in order to heal.

[mhowe]

Have you lost weight and gotten fit going to the gym every day?

[swilli89]

The gym may seem like such a petty little thing, but if you really truly want to be free of him and never see him again, you're gonna have to change your gym. There's no guarantee you won't seem him anywhere else around town, but at least if you do you know that its totally random.

 

It takes a long time to get over someone, trust me I know. But, at some point you have to really accept that its over. And once you do that, you will feel so much better. Because you're right, you have a lot more to focus on right now than your ex. So, don't let him have the power over you. Stand up for yourself, switch gyms, and move on.

[Buco24]

You are saying two different things here...you don't want to change gyms, but you also don't want to see him anymore.....solution??? Change gyms!!! You are just torturing yourself by staying there. You know he isn't going to change gyms and you can't control that. What you can control is the gym that you go to. So change it.

 

 

When we last spoke back in February I told him to change his gym because I live next to it, worked out there before I knew him and so on.

 

Yeah it probably would be the right thing to do but I think I can't explain myself. I want him to change the gym.

 

He could go everywhere why should I go anywhere else when I basically live right next to it? I don't know maybe it's my way of controlling and not wanting to change the gym because I want to stay strong or whatever.

[Buco24]

I've been in two long term relationships each if more than decade. And yes, about a year to feel ok and another 6 months or so to have really moved on. My divorced friends as well.

 

I don't think you need forgiveness, just acceptance.

 

In your initial post youre still talking about getting back together but it having to be initiated by him. That's not letting go of hope and accepting its over.

 

And the gym really is you hoping against hope you'll run into him and he'll say something positive.

 

We've all been there to one degree or another. But youve got to truly let go in order to heal.

 

 

That would mean I would need another year or so to get over him so are you happy right now? Did you find someone better?

 

I'm not saying he's the only one and the best one I can or want to have. He did so many things to hurt me, there are more reasons to not wanting him back then wanting him back.

 

And you're probably right it's not forgiveness it's acceptance. I just don't know how yet.

 

I really lost hope and don't want to hope anymore. With getting back together and him initiating it I meant if something like that is going to happen then it has to be him. I'm not planning on doing anything at all. I really want to move on and meet new people.

 

And again you're right, I really need to let go of him for once and for all and that's probably my problem that I don't do it.

 

Maybe I think or dream about him to forget my moms cancer or whatever. Maybe I try to hold on something subconsciously, I don't know.

 

I'm also going to therapy because of that and my moms cancer.

 

But I have one positive thing going in my life though, my new job is beyond amazing! Really nice colleagues and nice job. That shows me everything will get better.

[Buco24]

Have you lost weight and gotten fit going to the gym every day?

 

What do you mean? I don't need to lose weight or get fit. I already am slim and fit and always was. I've been working out the past 10 years frequently for 3-5 days a week. And it has nothing to do with him.

 

And I've always been going to that same gym since then. Again it has nothing to do with him. And that's what's bothering me that I don't want to change the gym because it's kinda 'my' gym.

[Buco24]

The gym may seem like such a petty little thing, but if you really truly want to be free of him and never see him again, you're gonna have to change your gym. There's no guarantee you won't seem him anywhere else around town, but at least if you do you know that its totally random.

 

It takes a long time to get over someone, trust me I know. But, at some point you have to really accept that its over. And once you do that, you will feel so much better. Because you're right, you have a lot more to focus on right now than your ex. So, don't let him have the power over you. Stand up for yourself, switch gyms, and move on.

 

 

I just feel anger and hate and nothing more for him. I don't love him anymore or am in love with him. I just can't get over the things he has said and done. But I know I have to and have to accept it like Clinton said.

 

My anger and hatred doesn't change anything it's only holding me back from moving on.

 

It's just so depressing that I'm still suffering from that break up. I want to get my life going. Want to be happy again. I don't know how much time is left with my mom, I want to spend time with her and don't want to be in a bad mood.

 

Worst part is I know it will get better. It's just so much to cope with right now.

[overthemoon86]

I know it's difficult and at times it seems unfair. In your mind you want him to change the gym but I feel you are holding on to a little glimmer of hope that he may change his mind if he keeps seeing you. You need to completely accept that the relationship is over. I know those words sting, but it will help you heal. And as unfair as it is, you should change gyms if you want to feel better.