Finally starting to date again

[trishcollins]

I know it's been over a month since I last posted. I was in a very "angry" headspace then, having finally exploded and said all the things to my "ex" I felt he needed to hear. I heard nothing in response to my email, which left me more angry. His "father-knows-best" condescending attitude always got to me, and this was one occasion where I would never know if what I said FINALLY got through to him, or he just felt I was ranting and didn't know what I was talking about. I was very careful when I sent the email to stick to commenting on his behaviour and how it could potentially have a negative affect him and his children in the future, and I avoided attacking or critisizing him personally.

 

So, 6 weeks later, I am finally seeing the light. I realize that I can't be with someone so unwilling to help himself and so closed off as to choose avoidence over dealing with difficult situations. We loved each other, but we were never partners in the true sense. He was never 100% commited to me, no matter what he said or did.

 

I am no longer angry, just a little sad, but regardless, for the first time in 7 months, I can actually see myself dating again, and being with someone else and not getting upset or feeling guilty about it. Even a month ago, the idea of dating again just upset me. So, a lot has changed in a month.

 

I guess time does heal most things, and in my case, I know time and distance (and N/C) are what did it for me. I have done all I could do, and no longer beat myself up about it.

 

I have posted my profile back on Lavalife and given all my friend's the "green light" to set me up, as they have all been dying to do for months. Wish me luck.

[rich46]

 

 

Good luck Trish! I seem to remember saying that 2005 will be a lot better for both of us and I hate to blow my own trumpet, but I think I'm going to be proved right!

 

I'm definitely ready to meet someone else too but I've avoided even trying as it would have confused me before I go away (2 weeks today by the way! )

 

I've followed your story closely over the last 6 months and I am so pleased you have made/are making progress!

 

Good for you!

 

Take care and good luck in the future...

 

Rich

[trishcollins]

Hey Rich, thanks for the encouragement.

 

It's hard to describe, but as I said, the feeling of dating someone new, or even thinking about a future with someone other than my "ex", almost made me physically ill two months ago. Now I can see myself dating someone new. It's very hard to understand my change of attitude, but I am not questioning it.

 

Have a great trip. Perhaps you will meet someone on your travels. Kiwi's are great people.

 

I just came back from Tasmania and had a great time. It was sure a lot warmer than the -25C temps we have been getting here in Canada.

[rich46]

It's very hard to understand my change of attitude, but I am not questioning it.

I think there just comes a time when we have had enough of the dwelling on our exes...if they chose to leave and aren't showing any interest in getting back with us, then it's time to find someone who will appreciate us.

[trishcollins]

I think there just comes a time when we have had enough of the dwelling on our exes...if they chose to leave and aren't showing any interest in getting back with us, then it's time to find someone who will appreciate us.

 

Truer words were never spoken

[Strandysmommy]

I seem to have missed the explosive e-mail part, but I am really glad you've come out of this with your sanity intact! Do you have any potientals yet?

 

I have a potiental, when I think of him I get all queasy. (That sounds so horrible doesn't it?!) Well then, enjoy yourself! It's good to see other people emerging from that darkish cave we were all in following the heartbreak and all.

[trishcollins]

Do you have any potientals yet?

 

Not yet. I have two friends with people they have been dying to set me up with, but up until now, I have said 'no'. I have told them both I would be interested now, but I would prefer to meet them in a casual way, without them knowing it's a setup -- like a dinner party or something. That way, there is no pressure for them.

 

I have a potiental, when I think of him I get all queasy. (That sounds so horrible doesn't it?!)

 

Good for you. Yes, it's good to see people come out "the other side" of a heartbreak. Just goes to prove no one dies from a broken heart afterall.

[Mentor]

This is great news Trish!

 

Best wishes as you get back out there again.

 

I started "looking around" about a month after my breakup, although we were over several weeks before that, so say 2 months. I thought that I would keep things slow and casual for a while, and just have fun and remind myself that there are lots of great women out there. Well, there are, and I found myself getting involved with one of them much more seriously and quickly than I was really prepared for. These things can take on a life of their own, and I got drawn in. Now I am questioning a lot about this fledgling relationship. I have not given up, but it is very hard for me to distinguish what I really feel for this new person from what I might be hoping to see to fill the void that was left from the last person in my life.

 

Am I making any sense at all?

 

Slow and steady, and have fun!

 

Ian

[trishcollins]

I have not given up, but it is very hard for me to distinguish what I really feel for this new person from what I might be hoping to see to fill the void that was left from the last person in my life.

 

Am I making any sense at all?

 

Hey Ian, you are making LOTS of sense. I would only caution you in-so-much-as I have been on the receiving end of the transitional relationship. Both my recent and previous relationships involved people who did not have closure on their previous relationships and I paid the price.

 

Circumstances were different -- my last ex lost his wife in a tragic routine surgery and was out daing me three months later, and my previous ex had been dumped by his financee and was not over the entire experience yet when we got together. In the end, I paid for both, so I am very cautious on the OTHER side, and made sure I was really "ready" before I put myself out there again. I also am very leery of anyone who has recently come out of a relationship, for good cause.

 

For me, the test is the following:

 

"do I constantly talk about my previous relationship with my new partner, especially in a negative way (ie. my ex was always complaining about my....)"

"do I compare my new partner to my ex and pick out negative things about them because my ex was different (ie. my ex was a better dresser, etc.)"

"do I still think about my ex all the time"

"I am secretly hoping my ex is jealous of my new partner, and am I doing anything to ensure my ex knows about my new partner"

"am I just biding my time, hoping my ex will come back"

"am I just going out with the person, just because I am lonely"

"would I dump this new partner if my ex suddenly came back and wanted to reconcile"

 

If I can answer "yes" to any of these questions, then I am not ready to date yet. I can honestly say that I have "passed" the test and feel confident that I am being true to myself and the new person in my life.

 

Not sure if it helps, but it's working for me.

[Mentor]

For me, the test is the following:

 

"do I constantly talk about my previous relationship with my new partner, especially in a negative way (ie. my ex was always complaining about my....)"

 

No.

 

"do I compare my new partner to my ex and pick out negative things about them because my ex was different (ie. my ex was a better dresser, etc.)"

 

Yes.

 

"do I still think about my ex all the time"

 

No.

 

"I am secretly hoping my ex is jealous of my new partner, and am I doing anything to ensure my ex knows about my new partner"

 

No.

 

"am I just biding my time, hoping my ex will come back"

 

No.

 

"am I just going out with the person, just because I am lonely"

 

Perhaps?

 

"would I dump this new partner if my ex suddenly came back and wanted to reconcile"

 

Depends on how much we had both grown. That relationship went south because of how we both were in it, and we would both need to change to make it work then next time.

 

If I can answer "yes" to any of these questions, then I am not ready to date yet. I can honestly say that I have "passed" the test and feel confident that I am being true to myself and the new person in my life.

 

Not sure if it helps, but it's working for me.

 

Looks like I failed your test miserably. Like I said, I was not expecting to get serious with someone so soon. I felt pushed into this. I was open about my situation with this new woman, and asked her that we go slow and take it easy, but she clearly wants more. She is pulling me forward, and I am pulling away.

[trishcollins]

Looks like I failed your test miserably. Like I said, I was not expecting to get serious with someone so soon. I felt pushed into this. I was open about my situation with this new woman, and asked her that we go slow and take it easy, but she clearly wants more. She is pulling me forward, and I am pulling away.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself, but keep in mind there is ANOTHER person with feelings involved here. If you really aren't ready to get serious, and she wants to, than you might want to make sure she knows where you stand. If you are feeling pressured, then something is not right. Go with your gut feeling, I know it never fails me.

[Mentor]

Don't be too hard on yourself, but keep in mind there is ANOTHER person with feelings involved here. If you really aren't ready to get serious, and she wants to, than you might want to make sure she knows where you stand. If you are feeling pressured, then something is not right. Go with your gut feeling, I know it never fails me.

 

My biggest problem is that the person whose feelings I tend to neglect is me. I go out of my way to meet her needs, and sacrifice my own. Resentment builds up inside me, and it poisons the relationship. I'm working on this very diligently with my therapist.

 

I have communicated multiple time with her that I need to slow down, that things are progressing too fast. We don't seem to be able to meet minds on this. For instance, we saw each other last Sat., Sun, and Thurs., and we have plans to get together this Sunday. She told me that she is unhappy with how little time we are spending together (! - we have been going out for 6 weeks), and wanted to get together on Saturday as well. Meanwhile, I am suffocating and feel like an emotional prisoner. I suspect that we are not good for each other right now.

 

 

[trishcollins]

Whoa! I think you need to stop this in it's tracks now. If after six weeks you are already sufficating, then you are NOT ready, and she is NOT listening to your needs. IMHO, you need to break off now and get your own head together. The last thing you need is someone pressuring you when you are still in recovery mode.

 

I know what you mean about meeting all their needs too. I tend to do the same thing when I first get into a relationship. I don't know whether we are trying to make up for things we felt we didn't do with our ex's or fear that we have to do this to keep the person. Either way, it's not healthy to be catering to someone else, who is not reciprocating.

 

Stick with counselling and layoff dating for awhile. I don't think you are ready, and if she can't understand that, then maybe it's not meant to be.

[Recovering_Lover]

Hmmm. I also think that maybe she has some problems. Why? she seems to be in the honeymoon stage, wanting to spent a lot time with you, and once you start to go with her, she might change and you might get hurt.

 

Its better, you take it slow, I did the mistake of taking it as the ex wanted me too, she wanted to spent a lot of time with me, eventually I let myself go and said thats what I needed to do, so I gave her all the time she wanted with me, but she changed after that, she didn't want to meet me so often or talk to me that often...and I given her myself emotionally to her.

 

So, my advice, take it slow and go at your own phase and not at another person's phase.

 

Also, just make sure, she is not wanting to be with you for all the wrong reasons.

 

R.L

[Mentor]

Thanks to everyone for your advice!

 

Trish - sorry for hijacking your thread

 

Best of luck on the dating scene! Have fun out there, and keep us updated, OK?

 

Ian

[trishcollins]

No worries Ian. I don't mind at all. I found this forum to be a great place to rant as well as get advice. So, I will be checking in from time to time and keep you informed. I know there is someone out there for me, there are certainly lots of people looking. I just hope this time, it lasts.

[auburnslp]

congratulations trish and have fun, but take it slow-it is true that we one day feel ready to get out there again, but it is easy to get out there and actually not be ready yet-I made that mistake twice-met a couple fantastic girls, saw them a few times and then realized I was not over the ex, so I ended those very quickly...but you never know when you are ready until you get out and try, right? For me, I am finally ready, have been for a while, but for me it's been almost a year...

Well, good luck, and I am happy that you are doing so much better! Michael

[trishcollins]

Thanks, and I hear you loud and clear. I can't explain why I know I am over him, but I am. I may discover that isn't the case when I start dating again, and will certainly heed your advice. Slow and steady is the way I am going to proceed.

[Mun]

Hi Trish,

I'm really happy for you that you are ready to get out there. Have fun. Getting to know someone new is very exciting ( and a little scary) but at least you will try.

 

Best wishes.

[vimora]

Way to go Trish!

 

I'm currently in a new relationship myself and although admittedly I was hesitant (make that very, very, hesitant) about jumping into dating or a new relationship, I am very glad that I did.

 

3 months after my break-up of 3-year relationship, I decided to give this guy a chance. I was lucky, he helped me heal, was very patient and now I have this most amazing boyfriend of 2+ months who is really giving me what I was missing in my former relationship. And it was only because he was doing this did I realize I was better off, did I realize that I had just been settling (spl?) for someone I thought was everything but who wasn't.

Maybe you won't find someone right away like I did or you might have to go through a few people, but I'm glad you're letting yourself explore again, because it can happen again and you'll be so surprised, grateful and stronger when it does.

 

Vimora

 

(I didn't really read the whole thread so sorry to those who think I'm off topic- just adding my random thought)

[trishcollins]

Hey Vinmora,

 

Glad to hear that you live has turned around. It's always good to hear other peoples success stories. Often people say "don't worry, you will meet someone" and it sounds so tright and smug.

 

I understand about being hestitate. I just starting chatting with someone online and he seems very nice. Lives close by and has similar interests. My main concern is ensuring I am really ready, as I find myself now backtracking from my previous "self-confidence" on being sure I was over my ex. I suppose the only way to really know that is to get out there and start dating again, but I don't want to go out with someone to prove to myself I am over my ex. It's not fair to them, and I really don't think it's the right thing to do. However, I know I need to get back out there again and keep moving forward, so it's a bit of a delimma.

 

Anyway, whatever I do, I will be taking it slow. I know I don't want to end up in a situation like my last relationship, but I also know if I don't take any chances, I may never be in a relationship again.

 

Thanks for the well wishes, and congrats on your new relationship.

[Mentor]

My main concern is ensuring I am really ready, as I find myself now backtracking from my previous "self-confidence" on being sure I was over my ex. I suppose the only way to really know that is to get out there and start dating again, but I don't want to go out with someone to prove to myself I am over my ex. It's not fair to them, and I really don't think it's the right thing to do. However, I know I need to get back out there again and keep moving forward, so it's a bit of a delimma.

 

Trish,

 

I know exactly what you mean. I thought that I was ready to start dating again, at least casually. I had no idea that I would be so lucky (unlucky?) that I would hit it off with so well so soon. I was expecting to date and have a good time meeting new people, and not get into anything too deep, at least for a while.

 

Try to be as open as possible with anyone new in your life. This is a tricky, fine line to walk. You of course can't dump all of your stories of your ex on them, but you also need to be honest about where you are, and what your current mindset is, your immediate and long-term goals for a new relationship, etc.

 

Trust your heart. If it doesn't feel right, then it likely isn't. Don't force anything that may not be right for you.

 

Good luck!

[trishcollins]

Well, it's the moment of truth. The fellow I have been exchanging emails with wants to meet for a drink tonight - on Valentine's Day. Not only is is cliche, but it's kinda scary. My first date since the split in June. I said yes, but I told him I only have an hour -- have to go home and fed the horses -- so it's an out for either one or both of us if it comes to that. I can always phone my neighbour and have her fed the horses, if it turns out to be a fun time

 

Wish me luck

[Mentor]

Sounds great! 8)

 

Good luck, and have fun.

[vimora]

good stuff Trish!

 

And I'm sure glad you're being cautious the way you are. I turned down a few dates because I wasn't ready and even when I gave this new guy a chance I felt like I wasn't being fair to him since I was still hung up about the ex (you don't know how much time I spent going over the guilt I felt on this with my girlfriends) but finally I just straight up told him that I was still recovering and that I didn't want him to expect too much and that i needed things slow, real slow. I was basically trying to give him a way out as well by also saying that I think it wouldn't be fair to him and that I really wasn't ready. Luckily he said that I could back out but he was willing to go super duper slow if that's what it took for me to heal, but that he wanted to stick around.

 

I just wanna share that I was in a pretty tormented state about the whole dating again thing, and if it weren't for encouragement and support from friends and family and the patience of my new guy, I would have definitely back out. And of course some good advice on this ol' forum as I did seek you guys out about the whole issue in October.

 

And I hope I don't sound trite because my situation worked out, I really want this to be more encouraging for you than anything else 'cause I remember that uncertainty I experienced back in sept-oct- not fun, let me tell you!

 

Vimora