Blindsighted by Breakup

[Twinsouls]

I'm going through a very difficult time right now. The breakup took place a few days ago, where my boyfriend that I was dating for 6 months broke up with me saying he didn't want to be in a relationship. He didn't give me any other reason. I asked him if he didn't want to be in a relationship with me or in general. His response was with me or with anyone. I was completely heartbroken and devastated. I didn't see it coming at all. I felt completely blindsighted! This is the man I had envisioned to be the ONE and that will be walking down the aisle with me suddenly decide to pull the plug on the relationship. His response was callous and cold. He broke up with me via a text message. I tried calling and asked him if we can at least see each other in person one last time and he kept saying no. Maybe, it was hard for him to face me as I know men dread emotional confrontation.

 

We always had a beautiful and happy relationship. We never had any fights or problems. I was very content being with him and I thought he felt the same way too. How could I've been so wrong and not see any red flags? We always had a strong connection so I would be able to pick up on something. I know recently his life situation has changed. He was going through through a transitional period in his life. He is working 7 days a week now which probably doesn't mean much time to commit to a relationship. I don't know any other reasons since he didn't give me much of an explanation on why he wanted to end the relationship. I can't believed he would be able to walk away from everything that we have build and share together. I know 6 months isn't a long time but it was enough time that I did hopelessly fall in love with him. I told him that I think he's making a mistake but I respect his decision that he didn't want to be in a relationship. It's very sad and heartbreaking that he broke my heart in the way that he did.

 

I'm doing better today but lots of tears and blaming myself on what I could've done to save the relationship. Again, if he wasn't happy with me he never shown it and he never talked about any issues that he is going through. I felt like he just threw me away like yesterday's garbage.

 

I don't think I will try to contact him again. It's clearly he doesn't want anything to do with me. I think he was just giving me a bogus explanation when he said he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I don't think I will know the real reason but it's been so confusing that he could've easily walked out on me just like that.

Thanks for reading,

Twinsouls

[Realitynut]

I'm so sorry....and i don't know this for certain, of course....but it sounds like he SUDDENLY met another woman. Easy come...easy go. I just got dumped...by the same guy who has dumped me repeatedly for the last year.

 

Just let him go....mourn.....and move on. You might never know the real answer. Or he might miss you...and call you in week. Or this 'new person', if there is one, might not pan out. You will never know, and unless he tells you what 'went wrong'...you never will figure it out...so don't waste your time...! (I know...easier said than done...going thru the same thing...)

[greta96]

This really, really sucks, I would think that he met another woman either in person or online (many guys in relationship also have accounts on online dating sites), and took the cowardly way out of your relationship. It may have been sudden for you, but trust me, it wasn't sudden for him, he must have planned this for quite some time. I suspect things with some other woman panned out, so he bailed on your relationship. It seems to be the way dating goes these days.

 

I know it hurts a lot, but stop blaming yourself, I don't even know you or your relationship, but I am almost certain the breakup had nothing to do with you. You're saying there were no fights, no drama, so there is nothing more you could have done. Actually, just the fact that he broke up by text and that he couldn't give you a reason tells me that it had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him wanting to be with someone else. And if that's the type of dude he is, then good riddance! You're probably much better off without him, and free to meet a good, stand up guy who actually returns your feelings.

 

For what it's worth, every time I was on the receiving end of what your ex just did to you, it turned out my boyfriends had other women already lined up and jumped straight into relationships with them.

 

A word of caution: if he dares to try and contact you at a later date with some idiotic excuse, don't buy into it and take him back. It only means that things with his new woman went south, and he doesn't want to be single until he meets someone else. Move on and forget about the jerk!

[BBnyc82]

Reading your story breaks my heart bc I literally am going through the same thing right now. I was only seeing him for 4 months but same thing. He didn't want a relationship. Everything was going great, or so I thought. Boom out of nowhere he's ending it. We ended things about 6 weeks ago but I've come to realize a few things over this time that you may find helpful so here goes

 

1. I thought he could be the one. I envisioned this fabulous life we would have together blah blah blah. Truth is I don't know what his intentions were the whole time

 

2. Like the previous poster said it was out of the blue for you. It rarely is for them. Chances are it was stewing in his head but he was just good at hiding it. Guys are good at that!

 

3. I think men would rather walk through a jungle of elephants on fire rather than tell us that they don't feel the same way. Whatever makes it easier for them (breaking up via txt or saying they don't want a relationship) is a coward move.

 

4. Just bc you never fought doesn't mean it was good. I never fought either. I'm not suggesting that constant fighting is healthy but you learn a LOT about someone by how they fight. Or at least how they deal with uncomfortable situations or conflict.

 

5. I would continue going no contact route. I have learned the hard way. I begged and fought as hard as I could and all it did was make me look pathetic and none of my feelings were reciprocated. It probably made him more uncomfortable and turned him off more. I've come to realize that I don't want to be in anyone's life who doesn't want me In it. I have a lot to offer someone and want to spend it on people who won't dispose of me so easily.

 

Anyway just my two cents but you are not alone! There is nothing you could have done to change this. Just remember that

[lostcountofit]

Going through kind of the same thing except I seem to be the only guy in this thread. Hahaha. It's been three months for me and I'm not even close to being over her. Though I kind of knew the reason for my break-up, it was still sort of unsettling knowing that we acknowledged our issues and had agreed to work them out. But she went back against her word and that didn't pan out. She said she didn't want to be in a relationship or with anyone too. But I think she's with someone new now. It's really all talk. A lot of the times the people that dump others really are just thinking about themselves and nobody else, which kind of sucks when you think about all you thought that you had with that individual.

[nova]

I've been on both sides of this situation, and I would suggest to keep doing what you're doing, except instead of never contacting him again, talk to him in a few months- or whenever you're over him, and then ask about why if you're still curious. This will give both of you enough time to be able to have a rational conversation and give you some insight about what happened. I hope that maybe this helped.

[Twinsouls]

I just now actually read your responses! Thank you for your kind words and insights. It's been over a month now since the breakup occurred. I'm able to reflect on what happened and you're absolutely right, it had nothing to do with me. I'm doing better these days and I'm moving on with my life. I miss him dearly and I think about him all the time. It's really hard to move on when you don't know what happened or what went wrong. The thing is I wouldn't initiate contact with him again. In the beginning like you guys, I thought there might be a third party too but I really don't think it had anything to do with another woman. I've actually met his family and friends. I highly doubt that he would've introduced me to his family if he was seeing someone else too. His stepdad even told me that he was very happy with me and I was welcomed into his family. He also lived with his cousin and I'm sure if there was another woman involved she would have told me about it.

 

I forgot to mention in the post that two weeks prior to the breakup he had asked me for space because he was going through a lot of personal stuff, family, finance issues, a lot of stress. I didn't think too much at the time since whenever we saw each other things were still wonderful and romantic between us. I didn't think that the stress could've affected our relationship but it did. He started to shut down when his cousin moved in with him whom he did not get along with. Communication started to die down when she moved in and it did impact our relationship. My ex is not the type to deal effectively with stress or pressure and he pushed me away. I give him two weeks and I still didn't hear from him. That was when I called him up to check on him. He didn't answer. I had such a bad wrenching feeling all week and I knew something was wrong. He didn't answer my call and I had such a bad indescribable feeling. The next day is when I received a text from him saying he didn't want to see me anymore. I was beyond shocked since just the week before his stepdad who is the most important person in his life told me that my ex was very happy being with me and the family couldn't have been more excited for us. I just can't believed that he couldn't be a man about it and at least talk to me in person about anything he was going through. He was a coward to the highest caliber. Maybe he didn't think he could go through with the breakup if he saw me face to face. A phone call would've been better than a text! They say hindsight is 20/20 and in my gut I really think he left because he felt like he couldn't give me the time and attention when he was under so much stress. If he wasn't happy with the direction on where his life was heading then he probably didn't think he can be in a relationship at the time.

 

We never had any fights, issues, or strife in our relationship. We were always so happy and joyful when we were together. That's why I couldn't understand how he could just walked out on me like that. I know one day he will reflect on his actions and realized he was less than a man. He will feel remorseful because I was a great woman to him. I was very happy being with him and I'm so devastated that it's over. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I know time will find me someone new but he will always have a piece of my heart. Each day gets easier and I have given myself closure so that I could heal.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and giving me your point of view.

[Michael777]

I am truly sorry to hear of your heartache.

6 months truly is not long and this man is not who you thought he was.

Allow yourself to grieve and allow yourself to be angry.

The pain will be with you but you will find ways to cope.

[Twinsouls]

Thanks Michael777

 

It just hurts that he could throw me away like a bottle of cheap wine, as if I meant nothing to him. We did share something very special. Some days, I feel better other days I feel emotionally broken down. There has been a huge hole in my heart since he left. He was willing to make me suffer just so he didn't have to be uncomfortable and have the official break up talk. I don't know what is going on with men these days. Even when the guys you think are good and caring turns out to be a real jerk.

 

I'm sure I will hear back from him at some point. It might not be now, or a week, or in a month but eventually... As of right now, I have no plans on contacting him. It doesn't bother me as much not knowing exactly what happened or what went wrong. I've realized that if your partner walks out on you without an explanation or warning there was nothing I could've done to change the outcome. If he couldn't communicate and deal effectively with stress then that's not the man I want to be with.

[Cailinsona]

I just wanted to extend my sympathy to you and to everyone else reading this thread who has been through the exact same thing. I've been in your shoes and it's the not knowing what happened to bring about the breakup that is the very worst thing about it. You are right in thinking that it probably has very little to do with you and everything to do with him.

 

Unlike others, I doubt there was another woman involved. It sounds like he became overwhelmed with other things that were going on in his life and he cut you loose as a result. He may even have believed that the relationship was an additional cause of stress that he just couldn't handle with all that was happening elsewhere in his life.

 

Why do I think this? The exact same scenario happened to me. Fantastic relationship, with no issues. Breakup out of the blue. I was devastated and bereft... I couldn't comprehend what had happened, seemingly overnight. There was no contact for ten months and then he contacted me asking for a second chance. I had pretty much moved on by then, even though that seemed like an impossibility at the start. I thought I might never recover from the sadness- I felt so bad for so many months...

 

I know that you will be OK, whatever the outcome. It may take quite a while, but there will be a day when you will laugh again- I promise! In a way I was lucky in that I did get an explanation from him eventually.... and it was all due to him being in a relatively new, serious relationship and having a lot of life events happen at the same time that prompted him to break up with me. By the time he returned, all that time later, I knew I was happy being on my own and I was very reluctant to let him back in to my life.

 

You may never get an answer from him and that is hard to take I know. You can only control your own actions and your own response to this. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. The advice and support on here really helped me way back then. I hope you will take some comfort from others who have been where you have been and believe us when we say that brighter days are ahead

[Twinsouls]

Hi Callinsona,

 

Thank you for this post, I really needed that. You are absolutely correct the thought of not knowing what went wrong and what could've done to save the relationship is the hardest for me to bear. I've been in the dark and in the beginning when he dumped me I kept blaming myself about the demise of the relationship. I literally felt that I was discarded as if I did something horribly wrong for him to walk out of my life at the drop of a hat. The first three weeks was the hardest the pain was excruciating and it overpowered me. It was very sad and traumatic that I did go to therapy to help me mourn and grieve the loss. I had suddenly lost my best friend, partner, and confidant and I had no idea why.

 

I'm so happy that your ex did return and you guys got back together! I love hearing about successful stories and your story is so touching! I would love to hear more about how you guys got back together. That's awesome and such joyful news. I'm hoping the time apart will make him realize that he does need me back in his life. However, regardless if I hear from him or not I'm picking up the pieces of my life and moving on. I think men are not very good with dealing with hardships and stressful events and they shut down completely. You're correct that he probably felt that the relationship was an additional stress in his life. A relationship is a lot of work, I get it. You have to cultivate it, make plans, courtship. He probably wasn't up for all of that during this stressful time.

 

I know that I will continue to think fondly of him. We did have something very special together. I hope someday I will be able to see the sun one day. Every night has its dawn. Everybody has been incredibly helpful and comforting! I came to the right place

[Cailinsona]

Well it took some time for me to be convinced to give the relationship another shot, as I was understandably very reluctant to risk my heart again with him.

 

What helped was getting an explanation from him regarding the reason for the break up- and it was all to do with multiple stressful life events happening simultaneously (including meeting me- the seriousness of the relationship took him by surprise- and he needed the time apart to sort his life out before he returned). I also knew by the time he contacted me that I was going to be OK within myself whether it worked out or not.

 

Am I glad I took the risk? Definitely! We've been back together for over a year now and we are both really happy. I was very cautious initially, but we've both endured some stressful life events over that time and he has been rock solid in his commitment to me.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he does contact you down the line. It might not be immediately and it may not be to reconcile and it's certainly not something you should hope for or expect. The best advice I can give you is aligned with what many on LS will tell you. Live your own life, strive to be happy, be open to meeting other love interests (I dated up a storm once I had recovered after the initial break up and it was fun!) and cherish the friends and family who are supporting you through this difficult time.

 

Wishing you lots of luck and happiness

[Twinsouls]

Hi Cailinsona,

 

I'm glad to hear that you made him work for it! I'm sure he came to realized that he wanted you back in his life after he got everything all figured out. He was probably missing you fondly everyday since you've been gone. I'm so happy to hear success stories about getting back together and the relationship working out the second time around. I completely understand your reluctance to get back together especially after he was gone for so long. It took him almost a year and of course, you didn't want to get hurt again. I really believe that your boyfriend wanted to make sure that he was going to be giving his ALL before he came back to you. He didn't want to give you a partial, a fraction but 100% into the relationship. I'm so glad that there are happy endings and your story is an inspirational one.

 

I'm definitely not expecting miracles to happen here. I'm not holding onto false hope or waiting for him. I'm living my life and moving on. I have gone on a few dates to get my mind off him but unfortunately none of these guys are making my heart flutter the way he does. I'm trying to get involved in more hobbies and making new friends to get a move on with my life. I have to say I'm a lot better now than I am the last couple of weeks. I'm a lot stronger mentally and emotionally things are looking up.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story and reaching out to me. It means a lot to me, I really mean it. I will keep you posted on what will happen and continue to find the SUN.