ajhurst210 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 As an excercise that I read early on to do after a break up, I made a list of all the things I didn't/don't like about my ex and all the reasons we don't belong together. From the way she treated me to her values and morals... I read to do that and then to pull out the list everytime I started to miss her. I filled 7 notebook pages front and back of these things. SEVEN PAGES! If I can think of that many things about her and our relationship that I didn't like, shouldn't it be easier for me not to miss her or love her still? Especially knowing that she doesn't miss or love me anymore and that she's shut off all emotional attachment to me extremely quickly and easily since our break up. It should be a no-brainier. It should be as easy for me as it is for her. But every.single.day. I still feel hollow inside and still miss her and am still in love with her. I know this all takes time and I'm trying as hard as I possibly can... but it's really starting to get frustrating that I still love someone that broke my heart. Irritates me and honestly makes me pretty disgusted with myself. Link to comment
captcha45 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 First of all: THANK YOU for your advice yesterday you are awesome! Just because you know she isn't right for you doesn't mean you can just turn off your feelings. Sometimes the bad things make it even harder to let go. Instead of feeling disgusted with yourself you should feel proud! It means that once you commit you stay loyal to the person. You don't bail at the first sign of trouble. It shows that you are capable of loving someone and accepting all their faults. It means you decided to give it your all and got burnt. Being heartbroken sucks big time, but it makes you learn a lot about yourself. Would you really prefer being able to let go of someone you love so easily? Some people seem to detach in matter of seconds, but if it really is true (and there is no way to know for sure) it is, in a way pretty sad for them. It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Next time you feel sad about it just remember how awesome you are and all the love you are able to share! It's the greatest gift you can give to yourself and others. Link to comment
johnnib24 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Because you also still hold on to the positive aspect they brought to your life to the good memories you guys shared. It get easier and easie over time but you just have to keep yourself busy. Don't let the thoughts of your ex consume you. Think about what you wanna do next in life. A goal, or a hobby you wanna try? Push your ex out of your thoughts and bring something new and positive in. Surround yourself with friends and family and become that strong person you were before you met your ex. The ex will come to mind time to time but simply replace her with something else and make sure not to check up on her on social media and give her reason to stay on your mind. Link to comment
TMifune Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Nothing I can say will make you miss her less. So instead I'm going to ask you to do something. Next time you pull out your list, pick an item on it and ask yourself one simple question: If it's a behavioral item ask yourself: "Why did I allow her to treat me that way?" If it's a character/moral item ask yourself: "Why did I think someone with those morals or that character flaw was good enough for me?" Be brutally honest with yourself when you answer, because in the answer to that question is the beginning of changing yourself so you'll both be the person who attracts someone better AND the person who doesn't accept that kind of treatment anymore. Link to comment
kathy679 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 You will get there. I still love my ex but I now have no desire to be with him. We split 17 months ago so it does take time. I have only felt recently that I'm getting over him . You can't just turn off your feelings, they don't go awAy, but in time they do change.....nothing ever stays the same Link to comment
ajhurst210 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 Thank you everyone for your advice and input... I think i'm at the point in the break up where i'm not so much depressed over losing HER specifically... but losing the future i thought i could/would have with her. I had all these hopes and dreams of finally getting married, going on a honeymoon, starting a family, going to work every day to support that family and having dinners and going to bed next to someone every night for the rest of my life... I see so many of my friends/family getting engaged, getting married, having children... and even my sister who is only 5 years older than me has two children, her own business, and a great marriage... i'm about to be 30 next month and i have a house and a cat... I mean, i know my life isn't horrible and some people just get started later on in their life. But i pictured mine as something so much different than what it is by this age. And i tried really hard with this relationship to paint that picture. It was the longest, and despite how bad things got towards the end of it... the healthiest relationship i've ever had... she was supposed to be my picket fence. My ticket to a long lasting fulfilling life. I just feel like my world has been swept out from under me. And not just because she's gone. But because i usually average between 3 to 4 years between relationships. I just find it hard to meet girls that i have something in common with or who don't have commitment issues or something. So at that rate, i'll be close to 35 before i even meet someone i can ACTUALLY spend my life with (if i'm lucky) ... and then even longer yet before i can start a family of my own with that person. And i know her, i know what she's like. She'll bounce right into another relationship (if she hasn't already) because she's extremely social and very attractive. She won't have a hard time finding a new guy. I go out places now and find myself looking around like a paranoid person expecting to see her out with someone new. And i'm dreading the day when that happens because it'll just be the icing on the cake of my already deliciously sad love life. It just sucks to have to bury all your hopes and dreams with someone and then face the uncertainty of ever finding long lasting love in this life when you thought you had it already. I'm just so PO'ed about it and for lack of a better word... beaten. I'm going to try and learn as much about myself as i can from this experience... but it just feels like i'm not going to get another chance or ever get this close again. Link to comment
ghostgirl116 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 hello there... 35 is not too old to settle down and start a family. no age is "too old" to find true love. I tend to go for looooong stretches between boyfriends (like you, 2 or more years) because, like you, I find it very hard to meet men that I have anything in common with. my last boyfriend was perhaps the first guy that I have dated in a very long time whom I felt a real common bond with. I thought he was one of my tribe, so to speak, and losing is so incredibly difficult. and like you said, it isn't necessarily the person themselves, but all of the hopes you pin on them being in your life. it is summer now, and I had all of these thoughts that my ex and I would have so much fun together. like I said, he is the first guy in a VERY long time that I dated that I felt I had so much in common with, so this dream of FINALLY having a special friend with whom I could do all of these things with has been dashed upon the rocks, and that is a very hard thing to let go of! you are not alone in your struggle, my friend. you must have faith that if it happened even just once for you, there is a sure fire likelihood that it will happen again. just don't watch that clock, because that is what will bring you down. Link to comment
Eddy Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 How long has it been since the break-up? Personally, I think the best way to move forward is to be happy about what was and to focus on the ways the failed relationship (not the person) has made you a better, stronger, and more caring person, more prepared for a future relationship. Celebrate the past, don't dwell on it, and move forward. Don't write negative things about her, because like it or not, that (what you think was "her") is now a part of you, that experience is a part of you, and by trying to drown it out with negativity, you're basically hurting yourself. Link to comment
Creacion Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 A list of all the reasons why you weren't right together is analytical and is about reasons and may justifiably make you feel angry and defensive. No one likes rejection. A relationship is about your feelings. I think you mentioned it in a recent post. To make a list of what you miss about her, which becomes a list of what you miss about being in a relationship. Hold onto yourself and allow yourself to grieve. It's a humbling experience to feel raw emotions of how vulnerable it makes you feel. From that base, it is an acceptance that it is over. The quiet comes and then you move on. Enjoying the wonderment of having a relationship with yourself, installing all the things you do in a relationship.. Just for you. When your cup is full and over flowing of self love, it attracts new people into your life. New beginnings. Link to comment
ajhurst210 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 It's been roughly two months since the break up. I think the list is more to train yourself to not romanticize all the good parts about your relationship with your ex so you don't forget about the bad and stay stuck in this limbo of feeling like you're never going to find better or get better. It's helped on my really bad days to accept why it ended and why it was a good thing it did. But sometimes it does reinforce alot of anger and bitterness towards her... and love in general. So it's kind of a positive exercise and a negative one at the same time. I'm trying to remember, as someone said, that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all... and be grateful for the time i did have with her and see it all as a positive experience. It's just hard to shovel through all the negativity when you feel like you're entire life and being was invested in not only that person, but that relationship. When all the smoke clears you find yourself with nothing but battle scars and wounds and it traumatizes you. Like, i don't know if i'll ever trust or believe in love again. But i guess that's a typical thing to say after a break up and i suppose it's not the first time i've ever said it. I guess everything's just so amplified since i let myself fall so hard for her and put so much faith in our relationship. At least i can walk away saying i put my all into it and was brave enough to do so. I'll try and find comfort in that. What's amazing is just how awful i feel and how meaningless my life feels by losing someone i knew for only about 10 percent of my life... my brother in law's parents were together since their teens, some 60 plus years... and recently she died. I can't IMAGINE how lost he must feel now that she's gone. She was literally all he knew for the majority of his life. That's another really scary part about falling in love... is that eventually, whether it's by choice or death... it ends. Love feels like the most beautiful thing about life... and also the most terrifying. Right now, all i feel is the terror unfortunately. Link to comment
TMifune Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 What's amazing is just how awful i feel and how meaningless my life feels by losing someone i knew for only about 10 percent of my life... my brother in law's parents were together since their teens, some 60 plus years... and recently she died. I can't IMAGINE how lost he must feel now that she's gone. She was literally all he knew for the majority of his life. That's another really scary part about falling in love... is that eventually, whether it's by choice or death... it ends. I think it's different when someone dies. It's flat out final and you know it's flat out final...denial and bargaining seem easier to get through because we all understand death and we know it can happen. I'm not say it's not hard for his father too, because I'm sure it is, but there's a special kind of grief to then end of a relationship, especially if it's sudden and doesn't have much of an explanation. There's an open-endedness to that feeds your denial, that makes you want to bargain, because you know that person is still out there and something in your brain makes you want to think that if you only do X,Y,Z that you can reconcile and it'll all be okay again.....It can take a really long time to put that fantasy aside. Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Because we can not help who we love and just because the relationship with her ended ,the love in your heart and the memories remain ...I find myself to dwelling in things as well and thinking I was insecure at the end but I realize I was not that insecure...in my case he even told me he was active and talking with women on the dating site even before everything ended .I cried so hard that night but still hoped for a future together .I had reasons to be insecure...Don't feell bad for feelling that way.You love her because you do and maybe you ll always will...what we have to do is learn to live without them by taking a day at the time and one day we will be able to think about the good times we had with that special person without bursting into tears ... Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 It just sucks to have to bury all your hopes and dreams with someone and then face the uncertainty of ever finding long lasting love in this life when you thought you had it already. I'm just so PO'ed about it and for lack of a better word... beaten. I can totally relate. This is the hardest part for me too. Link to comment
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