sometimes i think i'll go the easy route

[confusedmama]

I've posted under breaking up about most the issues relating to my deteriorating marriage, but last nite R starts talking after i come in from work. He states that maybe all his complaining about my not being committted to our relationship should have been turned on him. He said, maybe i should have simply looked in the mirror when i was saying all those things.

I feel like I can't believe anything he says, and yet i continue to wonder if it wouldn't be easier just to give in. I really can't stand living in limbo any longer and although I don't feel like it is right to just accept what he has done and continue on with the farce, I'm not sure I can continue being strong. Today I didn't want to get out of bed and after that I didn't want to get off the couch. All I do it look out he windows and watch the snow fall.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I read your other post and I hope you can find the strength to do what you feel is right for you.

 

If you want to stay then you should make it clear to your husband that you understand it takes both of you to make this marriage work and you expect him to do as much as you. Agree with him that you both need work. Then sit down with him and ask him to list the things he wants you to do... and then the things he will do to make this relationship work. I hope he is a patient man because this requires that you both listen to each other not just talk. After that you will do the same. So that each of you have two lists... and then the real work begins. You must be committed to this change or else it won't work.

 

If you feel that you have to get out... then you have to be firm about it and believe what you say. Realize that you can have a great life away from him and that staying in this situation ( in which things may never change) is unhealthy and will make you miserable. Be strong because the first steps are not easy.

 

I know, I have been divorced for 10 yrs almost... from a man who didn't like to hold a job longer than 6 months and who was abusive to boot.

 

Life can be great when you make it so.

[confusedmama]

Thanks for the help. I think my biggest problem is I don't know what I want. I feel strongly about us separating, most of the time. I am not a wishy-washy person usually. Maybe that is what it getting to me more than anything. I know that if he stays I'll be miserable, I don't trust him and I can't handle being treated as if I'm a child who can't be trusted. But to make the steps official and to bring in the lawyers and courts I'm afraid it will only hurt my kids and force the relationshiip to be hateful. I'm looking for an easy way out, I wish he would leave as I have asked (at least 4 times). Maybe then I could get myself together enough to make some useful decisions.