NC - going way too far?

[thefireisoutanyway]

Hello,

 

First of all, I want to thank each and every one of you who has posted stuff on this place. It has been a great help for me, in the past few weeks, and I feel like just from reading I have healed a lot from my recent break up. This is the first time I am posting, so I'm kind of nervous But anyway~

 

I found this website over the winter break, approximately two months after getting dumped by my first girlfriend ever. (We were 'together' for a month) In those approximate two months, I have gone through the typical begging and...well, I didn't actually beg, but more like I would be her friend in the hopes of getting back together if I stayed friends we'd be back together.

 

And of course, I did things which pushed her even further away, and probably reduced if not completely killed off the chance of us ever getting back together.

 

Over the break, I tried to meet up with her (which we had talked about doing), but it was very obvious that she did not want to, and I got upset over it. And I was completely obsessing over her--checking her on-line journal everyday, stalking her on the instant messenger, sending her txt messages on regular basis, etc., even after being answered "no" for about the 5th time. (I learned later that all of these things probably pushed her further away.)

 

Then, towards the end of the break, I decided to look on the internet for advice on getting her back, which brought me to this site (which I began to visit on a fairly regular basis) The entire concept of "No Contact" was completely new to me, but I liked the idea and so I immediately started to use it.

 

So these are the things I am doing:

 

1) I always have my cell off, only use it to make important calls, or check the time.

 

2) I uninstalled my messenger from my computer, and I never use it anymore

 

3) I don't answer any calls on the campus phone

 

4) I don't visit my friend's dormitory (b/c she lives in the same building, and she frequently visits my friends dorm)

 

5) I plan to not participate in any future activities with my friends, as most of the future activities involves her as well. (I thought about participating when she is not there, but I realized this may draw attention, and because there was some group-drama involved with me and her, I do not want to draw attention to "us")

 

6) An exception to 4) : I would visit only when I knew that there would be no way for her to be present, and only stay for a duration of less than 20 min.

 

7) I decided to not to respond to any of her e-mails, unless it is something important.

*Since the term started, I got about 3 or 4 really really short e-mails from her, asking me whether I still existed, when I'd be visiting the 'group'(not her, but the group of friends referred in #5), etc. As those were questions, not wanting to be rude (was the excuse I used on myself), I sent replies consisting of less than 5 words, just long enough to answer the question. In her last e-mail, she was telling me I should visit (the group), and as I saw no question, I felt no need to answer. But from now onI will not respond at all. (Seriously considering to cancel or get rid of my social e-mail acounts.)

 

A consequence of this would be cutting off contact with not just her but most of my friends on campus, as most of my friends live in the same dorm as her or use the same messenger, etc.

 

Am I going way too far with this NC thing? It's only been a few days since I have "actively" practiced NC (as in, this was the first week since classes started), and I am having some doubts about the way I'm handling the situation. Any input would be appreciated

 

P.S. At this point, I am not so concerned about getting her back. I started to use NC initially for that purpose, but now I am more concerned with healing and moving on. But if someone wants to give tips on getting her back, I'm all ears

[DN]

be careful you don't turn into a hermit. There is no reason not to see your friends when she is not there - who cares what anybody else thinks.

[TTSS]

Don't give up your friends. If you do run into her....DO NOT show her that you are weak and can't live without her or whatever. Be pleasant and be strong. Don't go out of your way to talk to her but don't shun her either......give her the impression that life is fine with or without her.

Also......work on believing that yourself.....in the end all you have is YOU.....work on you. Be strong man.

[thefireisoutanyway]

But honestly, I have absolutely no desire to see or talk to any of "them." May be this is a phase I'm going through... I don't mind company of my classmates to work on problems together--in fact, I enjoy it a lot. Just don't feel like visiting "them" or do anything with "them." May be I'm just lazy and I don't feel like walking over to their dorm...

[DN]

or maybe the association is too painful right now. Make new friends maybe, but there is a danger of becoming a recluse - don't do that, not healthy.

[TTSS]

If you read your points 4,5 and 6 it looks like you don't want to associate with your friends because she will likely be around. Now you say that you are too lazy to walk over there. Which is it?

If they are good friends and you have a good time with them then I suggest you get off your butt and go see them......human contact helps when your bummed out.

I've had to kick myself out of the house many times..... I'm always glad I did.

[thefireisoutanyway]

No, I guess it's not really the laziness... since

 

1) I don't want to even run into her or anyone by chance

2) I don't want any of them to visit me

3) I don't want to talk to them through any medium.

 

Yes, thinking about it, it's probably the association. And the fact that many of the people in the group currently are in a "successful" relationship--although I should be happy for them--makes me want to not see them even more.

[cooldude1234]

do you have other friends you hang out with???

[TTSS]

I hear ya man....rejection sucks and it is something that everyone must face many times throughout thier lifetime. It is HOW you face it and deal with it that will make or break you.

Sure......feel the pain and sadness that comes with it but DO NOT give up on yourself and don't dwell on it for too long.......you are wasting time. If I read your initial post correctly you went with the girl for one month and have spent the past 2 months grieving.You have to pick up the pieces man. It's hard and it sucks.....but you have to keep reminding yourself that YOU are what matters.I know it sounds cliche and you probably don't want to hear it(I remind myself of this all the time) but here goes.....there are TONS of women out there man.

And remember........women like strong men.(This could take on many meanings.....I don't mean you have to be a jerk)

As far as seeing your friends in a good relationship.......get used to it man........you can take a trip to the mall and see the exact same thing from strangers....it's a part of life. Work on yourself and good things will follow.

Really.

[thefireisoutanyway]

Well, cooldude, let's just say I am not a very social person to begin with, so the number of people that I hang out with has been limited. The people I referred to in my original message were at some point either roomates, suitemates, have become part of the group through ex-suitemates, etc... so no, not really.

 

Thanks for your advice TTSS. It's been two weeks since I started NC, and it's gotten a lot better. I've started to work out, study and read a lot more than I used to, I even joined two clubs this semester. Like Tuesday, I felt so great that I thought I had finally recovered. Then Wednesday, I spent the entire day moping because my ex did not send me an e-mail like she did on Monday and Tuesday. (She did, eventually, late at night)

 

It's really sad. I made up my mind to move on and be strong about things, but I know that a small part of me is hoping that she'll come running into my arms b/c she misses me and stuff. But I KNOW that she doesn't really care... or if she does, it's not the way I want her to care. It's just I was so happy for that one month we spent together. I never felt happier in my life and now that she is gone and I really love her.

 

I should forget it and move on. But I keep wanting her back. I even bought her a Christmas present that is still in the bottom drawer of my desk. The main reason I wanted to see her over the break was so that I could give it to her, but now, it's just in there. Nicely wrapped. Just rotting away. (It's a good thing I didn't buy her food)

 

I don't know. I still have mood swings. Like I was feeling really good about 20 minutes ago, but now...