Is my boyfriend gay?? Please please help me...

[jayne]

My boyfriend and I are both professionals in our 30's. I found a pair of womens underwear in a closet next to a box of casual womens clothing - wig - sex toys. John told me that several years ago he was in a 5 year relationship with a women - they had lots of kinky sex - including him wearing her underwear and her dressing him like a woman. He stated that he never went out in public like this and never put it on by himself.

 

We almost broke up last week and he stated that he got that box of stuff out thinking, "I thought it was kinky at the time and just wanted to get off...so I tried on the panties and they did not even fit. that's not who I am anymore."

 

He says he is not gay, but he just wants to please the woman he is with and so long as it does not involve animales, kids, or a 3rd person, he would do about anything.

 

What should I think about this????

[jayne]

One more thing...he said that he does look at gay porn on the internet. He said he did this because he and this girl used to watch gay porn together and there is something erotic about it...but he is not gay.

 

What do you think??

[Strictly4MyGrind]

Watching gay porn?........Doest sound normal to me i dont think but i dont really know........

[sayer7]

Sounds kind of suspicious. Test him and tell him to toss the cross-dressing stuff out because he's with you now and if it was just to please the woman he was with back then, then he shouldn't have a problem with it because you don't need those things to be pleased. If he raises a big fuss, then maybe you need to sit down and have a serious, honest, heart-to-heart with him.

[Nap-Man]

Speaking as a straight guy I would find it hard to believe a straight man would find gay porn erotic. I can understand all of the cross-dressing, kinky sex part....but continuing to watch gay porn because he thinks it is erotic seems to be a huge sign to me. I don't view porn as an art form, so my opinion may be biased. I think people watch porn becasue it turns them on, I am straight and thereforeeee gay porn is not something I would choose to watch for that purpose. Maybe I am too narrow minded, but it seems to me that you watch porn that turns you on so I would guess that he is turned on by men.

 

Nap

[jayne]

Thank you for your response...that is what I thought too...let me tell you what he said to that.

 

"The first sexual relationship I was in was with Sarah and it was for 5 1/2 years. She like to watch porn...two guys one girl...two girls one guy...ect. As our relationship grew over the years we started doing different things. Not everytime we had sex, just when we wanted to be kinky. Because of that, I think I am conditioned to that being erotic. I don't know why, but I do. Lots of other things turn me on as well...that is just one thing. "

 

That relationship ended 10 years ago

[stolenshadow]

Hello jayne, I think it's likely that he started watching gay porn and such when he was with that girl but possibly enjoys it to this day but might feel ashamed to admit it so prefers to put the "blame" on that girl.

 

Different people get aroused by different things, nothing wrong with that.

 

I think he's not gay, facts are he likes to watch gay porn and maybe cross-dress, that's it.

 

I wouldn't worry, but if you are concerned talk to him, don't accuse him, don't judge him try to see it as something normal even if you feel is the worse thing ever and he might open up with you.

 

It's just my opinion, I don't think he is gay.

[chblueguy]

I would have to disagree with stolenshadow. Although, I thought he was straight until the gay porn thing. He may not be 100% straight if he gets turned on by gay porn. He may have feelings he doesn't want to deal with or even act on. That does happen; it may just remain a fanatsy for him and nothing more. I wouldn't worry about it too much though, it doesn't seem like he'll act on it.

[lunatic]

Ok I have to put in my two cents here. He sounds like he is bi-curious with a little cross dresser on the side.

 

I am a straight man and I don't get aroused by watching gay porn and actually it kinda turns me off. Now everyone is different with what they find arousing. I would have to say you need to talk to him and if you love him then dont judge him by this. So he might be interested in men but, that is it just interested.

 

You need to find out what his intentions are and you dont need to argue or put him down. Just talk to him and ask him to be straight up with you.

[jayne]

Thank you soo much for your support...

 

We have talked for hours about this...he says that the thought of being with a man sexually is something that he never thinks about, and when he watches the porn that he does not imagine himself in the fantasies, just that there is something intriguing to him about the whole thing. He says it is just something that he does when he is lonely and feels like he needs some intimacy.

[Meow18]

Well, even if all the guys on here think its unnormal for a straight guy to like gay porn, it could still be ok.

 

I mean, we all get turned on by different things. I know of some girls who enjoy watching 2 girls make out. Does that mean they are lesbians? Not exactly. Maybe they would like to try it sometime, but you can't say they are lesbians for it. Maybe just curious.

 

I think if anything, he is bi sexual. I wouldn't say he is gay because then he wouldn't be sexually attracted to women. He told you that he never thinks about any guys sexually and he wouldn't want to have a three some.

 

I'm not sure that there's really anything to worry about. Like someone else said though, if you don't like his cross dressing stuff, then you should tell him. I mean, if it was stuff that pleased another girl, then its ok that he once had it. However, if you don't like it, then what would be the purpose of keeping it?

[Nap-Man]

He says it is just something that he does when he is lonely and feels like he needs some intimacy.

 

You know despite what I said before I can see how this may be true. I read your previous posts about his responses and I guess this can make sense. If he has only happy memories of the times with his ex, maybe the gay porn brings back those feelings of happiness and intimacy? It could be the same way that certain smells make me remember great times in my life.

 

I am not saying that I am convinced what he is saying is true. I still find it very hard to believe that a straight man would choose to watch gay porn by himself. I can see how the association of gay porn and good times may be a reason that he is still looking at it.

 

Nap

[Nap-Man]

I mean, we all get turned on by different things. I know of some girls who enjoy watching 2 girls make out. Does that mean they are lesbians? Not exactly. Maybe they would like to try it sometime, but you can't say they are lesbians for it. Maybe just curious.

 

Now I know this is a double standard but I don't know any guys that have been just "curious". I think almost every girl I have known has at least kissed another woman or gone even further because they were "curious". I can't think of a single instance of a guy doing this. I know that it is unlikely that a guy would even tell another guy that he is just "curious" but with the exception of a true bi-sexual I haven't met a guy who just tried it once. Maybe it is because girls experimenting is more accepted so they are less inhibited to try new things?

 

From my experiences the only guys I know who were "curious" turned out to be 100% gay......it was just a process they had to go through. As for the girls who were "curious"......some went back and forth, some were straight and some were gay.....

[wantTOkillMYSELF]

lol, lots of guys have tried it, but no one is going to admit it, not even on an anonymous survey, and for the reason you said "its not as accepted as women experimenting"

[NotGay,Really]

Does your boyfriend ever substitute his interest in "gay" activities for time spent with you?

 

Is he involved in a male/male relationship? Do you have any valid reason to suspect he is?

 

Is he overly defensive about this subject? (What you are saying seems to indicate that he is pretty open about the subject.)

 

Does he seem genuinely interested in pleasing you sexually? (You indicate he was considerate to his former girlfriend. Is this true for you as well?)

 

There are some who believe that men are just as curious about other men as they are about women. Our society takes a dim view of this however, so men tend to be very secretive about it. Much of the "male bonding" that goes on in fraternities, sports clubs, and the military is considered a "normal" outlet for this interest.

 

Your boyfriend may identify with the men he sees in porn-- not viewing himself as gay or straight, but simply in a sexual fantasy. Because men's initial sexual experiences are usually self-gratification, some guys continue to find the sight of males stimulating-- but only as a fantasy.

 

(I should explain that I went through a huge guilt trip over my interest in this, eventually trying to convince myself I was gay. There was one big problem-- I didn't want to actually have sex with a man.)

 

Continue to talk openly with him about these issues. As long as the communication lines are open, don't be alarmed. If you are feeling pain, see if you can get professional help.

 

I hope you will be happy.