tearing our relationship apart

[anonymous727]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a half now. A couple months into the relationship i went thru his computer and found tons of pictures of models and celebrities that he saved in the past years. I then confronted him about it and told him to delete all those pictures. He did what i said and deleted all the pictures. He also promised me that he would not do that anymore. But again I found searches of models and their bikini pictures on his google search bar. I confronted him several times now, and all it did was lead to a big argument. He still promises that he would not go surfing the web for hot models and then downloading them onto his computer now that he has me. But now he locks his computer, so I can't go thru it anymore. He says that the reason he locks it is because he feels that his privacy is invaded, but I really think it's because he still does it. I feel betrayed and not enough for him to look at when he does those things. I don't know what to do, I want to trust him, but i've caught him soo many times doing it again. It breaks my heart knowing that the person i love would feel the need to look at other women. I don't know what to do. I am still really bothered by what he can be hiding from me, however, at the same time I'm glad he locks his computer because, although I am almost definite that he still does it, I don't want to be absolutely certain. It sounds weird, but part of me wants to trust him soo badly. I love him soo much, but this kills me. Sometimes I feel like if his love for me is really reciprocated, he would give up his silly obsession and unlock his computer to show that there is nothing to hide. Should I break up with him over this?

[dreamweaverdude]

Anonymous, you're not gong to like my post but it my opinion for what it is worth.

 

It truly sounds to me that the bigger issue here is your insecurity with your boyfriend. If you truly believed that you were his everything you would not be worried. Please keep one thing in mind precious is that as long as a man is walking and breathing and he aint blind, he's going to look. You can get him to promise whatever you want to, but he is going to look. Does that AT ALL mean he doesn't love, that you not everything he needs, No........ but it is strictly human nature to look. This may not be a perfect analogy but if you walk by a dress store and see a pretty dress int he window you look, you may have a closet full of pefectly good dresses at home already but oyu glance.. it gets your attention. Its not wrong unless you have an obesssion over buying dresses. Just like with bf, if he ignores you because of his looking, you have an issue, if you are sexually active and he withholds from you because he masturbates too much over the pictures, you have an issue. But i would suggest rather than you DEMANING he stop, discuss it with him in a non attacking manner. Keep in mind he knows he'll never be with those women. I am not saying what he does helps to build your relationship, but honey you'll never stop him from looking. But you can change affect what he does as he looks... and to be honest might not be a bad idea if you sat down with him and ask him what he find attractive in each one. It might help you understand what makes your man tick.

 

My suggestion is relax...... calm down...... become more secure in what you mean to your bf.... if everything else in your realtionship is good.... then dont let this start a fued ... it aint worth it.... i mean it could be worse. What i gather at least is that what he is looking at it clothed models. what are you going to do when you go the beach put blinders on him? I suggest you become more comfortable with who YOU are before you start STRANGLING your relationship with you bf.

 

But that just an opinion.

[sexygrl19]

Yeah,I've been with my boyfriend a year and a half also.And a couple of months ago,I came home to find him asleep but there was a porn on t.v.And it was one where you had to order it.But it was free,though.Anyway,I confronted that very second and til this day he swears that he didn't order it.I want to believe but how could he have not ordered it?He says he has no idea how it got on there.I'm really sorry this is happening to u.B/c I can't get over my situation either.I just want to be lied to by my boyfriend.If you want to pm me,feel free.

[Beec]

First, men look. We always look. Every man you ever date, every man who ever loves you, any man you marry will look at other women. He will look at women he would never sleep with even if you were not around. If he cares about you, he will try and make it so you don't see him checking out other women. But, he will do it all the same. Him looking at other women should not be the whole issue.

 

If he makes it obvious that he is checking out another woman when he is with you, that's an issue of him not showing you soemthing he should, a little respect maybe.

 

Second, there is an issue of trust here. You are checking out stuff on his computer he does not want you to see. You are snooping. This means you don't trust him. Why? Just because he looks at some other woman in a bikini? Why does this bother you?

 

Third, him looking at another woman bothers you? My gf tellign me another man is hot bothers me. But she does it once in a while. Guess what, she looks too. Women look as well as men. If it is just him looking at a few pictures discretely, I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

 

But, you should be looking to see if this is the tip of the iceberg. You should be trying to figure out if he has some porn addiction that will later on sap his desire for a sex life with you.

[Abacab]

I totally agree with Dreamweaverdude on this!

 

The problem will get blown out of proportions should this insecurity exist any further. You two should get to the root of this problem, which made you go through his pc in the first place.

[Mun]

I too agree with Dreamweaverdude on this. You have to pick your battles. Looking is a natural thing and I doubt you will be able to stop this boyfriend or any other from "looking" at other women. Now if he started touching...then I'm right there with you--that is a serious problem.

 

You do have to ask yourself what it is that is making you so insecure you are snooping through his computer. Is he not that committed to you? Has he cheated in the past? Is he a bit indifferent to you/ignores you? Tackle those issues ( if that is the underlying problem). This ( your feelings) could be a symptom of the real problem.

 

If he is not making you feel special ...then of course you will always be suspicious and bothered by any attention he gives other women. Even if they are only magazine dolls--and out of his reach .

[arwen]

Why are you so bothered about those pics in the first place? I had a picture of Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) on my desktop for a long while, also when I had a bf.

 

Now I have another bf and he has a photo of a female celeb on his desktop. I don't care, I sometimes joke about it, and yesterday when we were both on the pc, he suddenly held me very tight and said: can I get a picture of you? I want you on my desktop.

 

So cute.

 

I think the more you let someone free and just stay confident of yourself, the more a person will be open to you. He is secretive because you were already upset about celebrities. He doesn't want a scene again, so he is secretive, which makes you suspicious.

 

Men (and women!) will always have an eye the opposite sex, it's biological. More so for men, but also for women. Don't worry so much and try to stop being so demanding on him. You are only making it worse for yourself and the relationship.

 

Ilse.

[OceanEyes]

Hi Hun,

 

I understand how you're feeling about this -- and trust me -- you are NOT alone in feeling this way. A lot of women get defensive and feel hurt when they are confronted with the fact that their boyfriends are gawking at other women, whether it be on the internet, on the street, in magazines, etc. You shouldn't feel like you are wrong or bad for feeling this way, because I doubt that you actually want to feel unhappy and insecure. Who the hell would? Sometimes we really can't help how we feel.

 

Have you been hurt in past relationships? Do you find it really difficult to trust people? Does he gawk when he is in public with you? Basically, is there any reason whatsoever that he has given you to doubt his sincerity?

 

I think most people look. It's not something that you are going to be able to control in him. Even if he wanted to put a stop to it for your sake, he wouldn't be able to stick with it. This is probably something that he did a long time before he met you, and will always feel that there is nothing wrong with it.

 

One thing that you may not believe, is that just because he looks at other women from time to time, does NOT imply that he finds you less attractive, that you don't 'do it for him', or that you are inadequate in any way. Believe me, if that was the case, he would NOT BE WITH YOU. A lot of guys will tell you that it's "in their nature" to look, but women do it all the time (I know I do!). I am in a very happy relationship too, and though I am very attracted to my boyfriend, I can still say that I find other men attractive, probably on a daily basis.

 

I used to feel a bit jealous when things like this happened to me, but I realized that I was only hurting myself, and that no amount of complaining about this particular issue would ever change it. I can't hold on to a man by trying to control what he sees, so over time, I learned to just stop caring about it. If things work out in the long run, it's because I trust him (and vice versa), and not because I take situations like this one as an indication that he doesn't love me/ find me attractive. Trust me, he DOES. Nobody is forcing him to be with you.

[Mr. B]

I'd be pretty pissed if I found my girlfriend snooping through my computer or belongings. If you don't trust your boyfriend I have to wonder why you're even in a relatoinship.

[sayer7]

I had an ex-bf that had a ton of porno and pics on this computer... after I kept finding it and confronting him about it I decided it was my own insecurity.

 

And then I found pictures of a particular woman he'd been chatting with for months, and emails that said "My gf doesn't move in for another week, let's get together." and after that, "My girlfriend's gone for the Holidays, lets get together this weekend." I decided it wasn't just my insecurity.

 

I agree with Muneca that it is natural for guys to look and I think it's futile to try to get them to stop looking... but if you find evidence that he's actually cheating on you in real life with a particular woman or with particular women.... then maybe there's more that you should know about.

 

But ultimately, snooping is bbaaadddd. You'll always find something to get mad about.... and maybe that's why you're snooping-- to find something to sabotage the relationship with. Maybe you should end the relationship instead of making the relationship worse by snooping.

 

If it's just pictures he's looking at and you truly value the relationship-- stop snooping. It's disrespectful and creates distrust-- hence him locking his computer up.

[Luciana]

OceanEyes wrote an excellent post, because she ACKNOWLEDGES how the girl feels.

I am sure you woundn't mind os much the pics if he treated you wonderfully. But then, a guy who needs to do that is usually the guy who isn't too keen on his woman, if you know what I mean. I can look at good looking men on the street but I wouldn't go through the trouble of saving pics of hot men in my computer if I have a BF I am happy with.

So maybe there is an underlying problem and she is feeling it, giving these pics too much importance.

if he were watching crude P all the time I would be very concerned.

[Steffie]

hi!

 

i recognize your problem because i have it too.

me too feel like i am not enough for him to look at and it bothers me a lot that he feel the need to look at other women while he's having me.

 

i wrote a topic about this, look at 'Infidelity' (How do i have to see this?).

 

my bf promised me to stop with it, but how can i be sure about that?

s.o. wrote boys won't tell if they are doing it because they won't hurt the feelings of their gf.

but doing it sneaky is hurting too!

especially when he said he would stop.

 

although i know your problem i can't help you because i don't know what to do by myself.

if you like you can send me a message so that we can talk about it.

 

i wish you all the best.

Steffie

[mt_joy]

Whether or not you are over-reacting is not the only point here. Do you really want a bf that is constantly looking at scantily clad women and hiding it from you and lying to you about it?

 

Men are going to look anyway, but to actually search for it? I've been burned in the past big-time, but I feel that if they have to lie about surfing for women, they'll lie about other things too. Doesn't he see enough women in his day to day life?

 

He either needs to tell you he is going to keep looking at it or prove to you he isn't. If he has nothing to hide, why is he locking his computer? Honesty and communication are key.

[OceanEyes]

Whether or not you are over-reacting is not the only point here. Do you really want a bf that is constantly looking at scantily clad women and hiding it from you and lying to you about it?

 

This is very well-said. I don't think that the snooping or whether or not she is over-reacting is the point. No matter how much someone TELLS you that you're over-reacting, it doesn't actually stop the hurt that results in his actions. How other people would react isn't really what you should be worried about, since your relationship is based on you and him.

 

I think you should ask yourself whether or not his practice of saving photos of other women is something that you want to live with long-term. If he flat-out refuses to see your point, and can't understand how much it hurts you, then you're obviously not compatible.

 

People change for others, but only when they make a subconscious decision to do so. He can just tell you, "okay, I'll stop", but if he doesn't really want to stop, he won't. He has to want to stop. It's kind of like smoking.