Is it possible to ever be friends??

[katiekate1982]

Hello,

 

My ex boyfriend is the one who cheated on me after I relocated to florida with him, i'm back in wisconsin now. He is still living in florida. This all took place about 3 weeks ago.

 

I've talked to him a couple of times, to get the bills settled and everything, for some reason he thinks I left him in a bind (financially). He is the one that broke up with me, and i'm the one who has to start over. He also got to keep all of our furniture. How is that fair? I just don't understand how someones thinking could be so screwed up.

 

Well anyway I do appreciate what him and I once had for the most part, and would like us to eventually be friends. I've let him know I would like to be civil with each other and be friends. He hasn't made any attempts to talk to me since,nor have I. (this was last week)

 

I was just wondering is it possible to be friends? Am I crazy for wanting to be after he did this to me? If not, How is it so easy for him to just turn his back without ever looking back? That hurts. I'm also younger than him by 7 years, how is it I can be mature about this matter and he can't?

 

Sorry, my post is soo long. Hopefully you guys and ladies can give me some insight on this, or if I should just cut my losses all together.

 

Thank you, Katie

[annie24]

oh goodness, I don't know. Some people are just messed up.

 

Hey! I'm in Madison! Wanna hit state street? It will make you feel better

[sdw]

He doesn't sound like he's too keen on being friends. You need to think about why you want to be his friend, if it is to try and get him back then the answer is no don't try to be his friend. If it's because you genuinely like him as a friend and wouldn't care about him dating other women, then send him an email or a letter telling him it would be great if you could stay friends and how was he getting on etc ?

 

Generally though, i would be wary of ex bf gf relationships - they are fraught with baggage and problems, believe me...

[PrincessLinzay]

I don't think he's very deserving of a friendship hun. He cheated on you, and that's not something to be taken lightly. Bad boyfriend = bad friend. He seems really selfish.

 

I personally would let that relationship be water under the bridge and to move forward. That's just me.

[katiekate1982]

Thank you guys, you are all right he doesn't deserve me!!

He is a piece of crap who will never be able to carry on a normal relationship, because he is extremely selfish and self-centered.

 

What was I thinking I guess sometimes i'm too nice of a person, and that sometimes hurts me.

 

Katie

[Knctrnl22]

I have to tell u that from experience if you stay friends with this guy your past will allows haunt you but if you start fresh then you will have a better life.

[kipster]

Hello,

 

My ex boyfriend is the one who cheated on me after I relocated to florida with him, i'm back in wisconsin now. He is still living in florida. This all took place about 3 weeks ago.

 

I was just wondering is it possible to be friends? Am I crazy for wanting to be after he did this to me? ...That hurts. I'm also younger than him by 7 years, how is it I can be mature about this matter and he can't?

 

Well Katie, let me say that I'm sorry to hear that your ex cheated on you and I can empathize with your perspective. And at 30 you'd think he'd know at least alittle bit about life and have your best interest at heart. Apparently he didn't, and that's unfortunate, but the next (real) man will.

But I must say that I'm always amused to see how many people are willing to be 'friends' with an EX. Its a really interesting phenomenon, its like befriending a person that has basically told you that he/she has no interest in you romantically after a short time ago they did and befriending a person for whom there is little or no trust for. This amazes me, honestly, because if you told the average person (I assume, I have no hard data of course) that I want you to be buddies with my pal Joe Doe who you can't trust and whos known to cheat on you, you'd tell that guy, "are you kidding me?" Yet, with an Ex many people seem to forget the hard evidence and somehow want that connection many times knowing that the true desire for that connection is to get that person back and KNOWING that in the long run, their going to get hurt again (e.g., once the EX tells them about the new man/woman since now you are 'friends' right). That's why I continue to say that being friends with an EX is not an easy proposition and those that do it are far greater people than I. I'm not an optimist or a pessimist on the issue, I'm simply a realist. Now I believe that me and my EX can be 'friendly' but the core attributes in a friend that I seek (e.g., trust, companionship) have already been violated if that person cheated on me. So why on earth would I want to befriend such a person? I'd wish them the best and pray for their well-being, but with friends like that who needs enemy's?

 

In a friend I want someone that I can count on in the clutch. And based upon how so many of the relationships end up on these boards, true 'friends' are indeed hard to find.

 

Kip

[sleuth222]

Not if you really loved each other and one person did something dishonest.

[katiekate1982]

Hey Guys,

 

Thanks for all the advice this is helping me get through this. Well I do have somewhat of an update on the situation.

 

He called me yesterday and left a message, this is the first time since my b-day about 2 weeks ago, which wasn't good. Well anyways I don't know why but I called him back. To my surprise he was very nice and civil to me, he actually talked like a normal human being. We didn't talk about money issues or anything bad, he said he was just calling to see how I was doing. He is normally very blunt and not afraid to hurt my feelings, let alone care about them, so I was just wondering, why do guys do this. A supposed phone call to see how you are doing as if they really care. I mean don't get me wrong i'm happy we had a "normal" conversation, but i'm just curious if anyone has been in a similiar situation and how it was handled. He didn't sound like he wanted me back, nor do I want him back right now, if ever. I just want to know what goes through a guys head after being mean to a person, and having n/c on both of our sides, whats that about???

[lookingforclosure5]

He is feeling guilt (which he should) and wants to make you believe again that he is the best thing to happen to you. He is being manipulative.

 

I understand the want to talk to him and the want to have a "good conversation" with your ex. But a day later do you still feel good about the conversation... or do you feel worse. Is this keeping you from moving on? You just have to think about yourself for a change. You are used to taking care of yourself and him, now your main goal is to take care of yourself.

[katiekate1982]

Well I of course was having mixed emotions, I trhink this has set me back in my recovery. I can't get him off my mind its like I miss him sooo much and still do love him, but this just cut into so pre exsisting wounds, if that makes any sense.

 

Like i'm crying right now, but I have to remember that he isn't my friend, he deeply HURT me, and it is going to take a long time to get over. Its not that he wants me, I think he probably called for his own selfish reasons. It just hurts so bad, especially with valentines day coming up and all of our memories. Why does this hurt so bad, sometimes I feel like i'm a person who is looking for the punishment, well not really, but you know. I don't have anyone to talk to .my sister told me to get over it, And personally I don't discuss this at all with her, and its only been 1 month, is that too long to still be upset or in love with the guy still?

 

I need some advice, I don't know whats wrong with me, but I still do want him in my life. Do you think he is trying to keep his options open with me, and not totally burning his bridges with me by calling? I'm trying not to read too much into this, but i'm still all gaga over this guy!! WHY??

[Foz]

Hey katie,

I am so sorry you feel so bad right now! i am in the same state of confusion as to what do the phone calls mean. The thing is only they know what the phone call means. We can try decipher what they mean but we will never know whether it means they want us back or they feel bad for breaking up with us and want to ease their guilty conscience.

Some people say go back to NC and see if he keeps contacting you. What i am going to do is see if my ex contacts me again and if he does, meet up with him and give him a letter saying i still love him and want him back but if all he wants is friendship then i cant do it as it is too painful for me. The reason for the letter is he can read over it again and mull it over. If i say it, it requires an immediate response and i really want him to think about getting back with me and what it is he wants.

Dont mind your sister 1 month is not enough time to be over someone!! Im at the 5 month mark and i still love my ex and want him back.

It will take as much time as is needed to get over it!

[happythoughts]

Hello Katie,

 

God one month is nothing so don't be hard on yourself at all.

 

It takes months and months but you will get there in the end, even though you feel so bad now.

 

From my experience, I simply could not cope with the reality of being broken up - for weeks and weeks.

 

If I thought about it being over forever I felt absolutely distraught. The only way I could cope was to think we would get back together, I simply couldn't handle it any other way.

 

It's only in the last few months that I've actually got myself together and feel more normal - to the point where I truly question whether I actually would want him back, I mean after al that pain? Isn't it better to start over with somebody lovely and exciting and new?

 

I know that what held back my recovery was trying to be friends with the ex/inability to fully let go. But that's the only way I've been able to do it - complete NC is not something I have ever wanted to do.

 

I still see my ex from time to time - (like later today for example!!) - sometimes I feel good afterwards, sometimes I feel lousy but I am at a point where I can handle whatever it is.

 

I think it's just important for you to do what's right for you.

I wish i could wave a magic wand and take away everyone's pain. But we will all be fine in the end, I promise!!

[katiekate1982]

Thank you guys you all are really my rocks right now. So thank you again!! As for my ex we will wait and see, he has hurt me so bad, Even if he did want me back there would have to be major changes I don't think I could handle all this pain again. I still love him and probably always will, as for the future we will have to wait and see, you never know what can happen in the future, but I can't put my life on hold either, even though I do still love him.

[Snarfnaj]

Dear Katie,

 

Ofcourse you still love him! All this happened so recently for you. We can't just switch off our feelings for that special someone we love and have loved so deeply. In my situation I tend to forget the bad and highlight the wonderful times up to the point that I'm almost willing to accept unacceptable behaviour. I miss her voice, her smile, the small gestures, all that good stuff. Katie, in my opinion a loving relationship to me is a delicate balance of trust and respect for one another. Before you are involved you know pretty much exactly what you want and what you can and cannot accept. Once your personal boundaries have been crossed and violated it is an extremely hard road to travel to try and win back the lost trust and to heal from the pain that has been caused. It would take two very committed people to try and make this work. I know that if you look into your heart you know what you deserve. A respectful, loving man who will treat you the way you want to be treated. Several are waiting right around the corner and once the dust of this ugly situation settles, you'll be able to see them and be able to pursue what you know is rightfully coming to you. Strength and love, Katie, you're more then halfway there........