Still Struggling a month on - Lost my best friend.

[SirCheese]

I'm slowly feeling better - When it first happened I just stayed in bed & didn't get up unless I had to. I wallowed in self pity but now my head is starting to focus on other things again. I still miss her every single day but it hurts less now.

 

All I feel is sadness now - The best friendship I ever had is no more & there's so much I wish I'd been able to do with her (even as friends) over the past 6 months or so it's been since this all started. Not having her there with me like it used to be has been incredibly painful. We were a couple in all but name & it just hasn't been the same, if I hadn't said anything/randomly felt stuff after I missed her or made a move who knows where we would have ended up naturally over time.

I feel so alone even when with other people.

 

But yes... it's getting easier. I let a lot slide when we "broke up", i.e I stopped buying new clothes, drank a little bit to much, ate terribly & just generally gave up. I'm now making plans for the future & setting goals, even if they are just small ones like getting my phone fixed, or buying new shoes, but it's taking time. I've started writing my thoughts down on paper & that helps too.

 

Therapy is helping a lot, She says that I'm struggling so much because it's like losing a family member rather than just a girlfriend. She really was my "big sister".

[SirCheese]

Found out via a friend today that she's going home to Canada over the summer & taking her new guy with her. I'm heartbroken all over again - I need to send her my final goodbye and let go. I'm in so much pain again even tho it's nearly been two months I can't cope right now.

[SirCheese]

Is it normal to still be feeling... bleh/heartbroken this long after? It's been well over two months since we spoke - I no longer burst into tears about the whole thing, I don't do anywhere near as much "Shoulda, coulda, woulda" stuff now because second guessing yourself with hindsight is unhelpful. But it still hurts so much - I miss her & what we had so much but I know it can never go back as it was. Time is helping a ton but I have a really good day/week & then slide back again. I still haven't forgiven myself for letting it all go so wrong.

 

 

I admit, I've looked at facebook when I shouldn't have (I've since forced myself to stop it) and yes, she is taking this other guy back to Canada with her over the summer for a visit, it seems more like their "just friends" tho - She's also moving the 110miles back to the city I live in in September which I admit absolutely terrifies me. A few months ago I would have done anything for that, but now I've come so far & seeing her around town again would set me right back. We were in a friendship group & I don't know if I could handle her at this moment in time reappearing & rejoining it - We're all still friends independently but it's different as she's so far away. This is all very bleh because she swore she was moving home for good this year, gave it as the main reason she couldn't start anything with me & said she would never move back here. It was such a mindscrew & I know if I allow it, it'll happen again

 

I'm slowly dipping my toes into dating again but I'm still not over all this & I don't know when I'll be totally ready.

[SirCheese]

She's asked via a friend if it'd be ok for us to talk again in August when she's back here >.

 

I don't understand, she said she was leaving the country for good this year, now she's moving back to my city & wants to talk >.

[mhowe]

Tell the friend that you cannot make any plans for August at this time. And start moving on.

[SirCheese]

Aye I have - I've said that I can't see her, nor can I see her with the other guy as I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye without wanting to repeat what she used to say about him, which isn't healthy. No matter how I try to get over everything that went or desperately want to let go of it all on I just don't think I can be friends with her again. She will want to be as it was before, which isn't fair as it takes up space in my life to meet someone who truly wants to be with me. That & it's not fair on the other guy for both of us to be as close as we were before.

 

A major reason I couldn't stay friends is that she was going home, said she'd never move back here & rebuilding a friendship at that distance is impossible. This was also a huge reason why she didn't want to start any relationship with me. She struggled with the distance as did I.

Now she's going to be on my doorstop again. She doesn't have anything here anymore & I don't know why she's picked here to move back to. I know it's not for me, so why >.

I am not the same person I was when she was here last time, which was over a year ago.

 

I am moving on very, very slowly & this hasn't helped at all. I still replay a lot of it but I've started to forgive myself for a lot of things (even tho I'm told I have nothing to forgive myself for) tho I'm not totally there yet.

[SirCheese]

Just an update on this... I finally realised sitting around sulking about it for months wasn't really helping anyone, I wrote down all the coulda/shoulda/woulda's in a notebook (Pen & Paper), why we wouldn't have worked as a couple, why we got on so well as just friends, tried to explain why we both acted the ways we did & then allowed myself to just start moving on. The sulking was something I *had* to do to learn from it all & take long look at myself/what I wanted out of life. But then started I forcing myself to focus on other things, such as finally moving out! It's weird, in the past three weeks it's all changed.

 

 

I've just bought a brand new house in the centre of town (Where I've wanted to live for a while!) and have thrown myself into that. Dipped my toes into dating again & I've had two lovely dates with a really sweet girl who's doing more or less the same thing I am, i.e moving out & buying her own place. She's slightly older than me & the texts are very different than what I had with my friend - It feels like she's really into me which is... a little unusual - There's no "I'm not sure" just actual warmth & interest (I'm not used to feeling that!!) I didn't expect to meet her, it just happened. I don't know if it will end up going anywhere longterm but right now, I feel pretty good about it She text me instantly after the first date to say what an awesome time she'd had & how safe she felt with me walking her back to the train station home, wanting to see where we'd go together & again after the second (it was a comedy night with an iffy first act that I apologised for) saying that it would have taken a ton more than that to ruin her night & it was amazing. It's... very, very different!

 

 

As for my friend... I do think about her occasionally still but it's more in the old "big sister" kinda way & missing that role she played in my life, I genuinely hope she's happy & wish her all the best in the world. I don't regret "trying" to change things, but it just sucks we had to fall out this way. I miss her a lot, but I suppose it was more or less inevitable one of us would catch feelings or date someone else & it would end or at least change massively. I am still worried about bumping into her again but mostly because of the awkwardness, rather than anything else now. Thankfully the chance of that is a few months away still as it wouldn't be helpful at this point...

 

For all of those who are struggling, there is light at the end of the tunnel, it just takes time. It's very painful in the meantime but you get there.

[musicman777]

Dipped my toes into dating again & I've had two lovely dates with a really sweet girl who's doing more or less the same thing I am

 

Okay "SirCheese", I've been reading through your thread here as it was listed on the homepage of the forum. Honestly, you sounded very hurt and distraught over this last girl that moved away and only wanted your friendship, and that was barely a couple months ago. You admit in your last paragraph to thinking about her, even saying you "miss her". Then all of a sudden, you are "dipping your toes into dating" again already?! Get real.

 

I can read in between the lines here. Personally I think you should NOT be dating anyone so fast and I think you are on the rebound. I don't think you think of this last girl as your "big sister" yet. Sounds to me like she found someone else and you feel the need to do the same because she did. And you also want to get your mind off her. You shouldn't rush into dating again so fast. Healing takes time, sometimes several months, if not years to get over someone.

 

You should honestly just take some time off for yourself. Take up some new hobbies, focus on your life. If this new girl finds out your are still talking about and having feelings for someone things are going to hit the fan fast, women have an uncanny ability to know if you are still clinging onto someone else emotionally. I think you are making a mistake dating so soon, that is just my two cents and from life experience being a guy myself. Also your last girl, I don't think you should remain friends with her anymore. I think there is always going to be some history/feelings there unless you initiate "no contact". In fact considering you are trying someone knew (even though I think you shouldn't) I definitely think you should cut contact with this ex of yours.

[SirCheese]

Yikes, ok - I broke up with my friend in November, we made up in December but fell out again in March. We've not spoke to each other at all since then (3 months) & have been complete no contact. It was bloody hard for a long time but in the past month or so I've moved on a lot from it. A mutual friend mentions her now and then but it doesn't affect me, I don't harbour any feelings towards her anymore - I'm just happy she's happy. It doesn't mean I don't miss the role she played in my life back then but it was what it was at the time.

 

I *have* been working on myself, moving on my with my life & picking up new hobbies & I didn't start dating again until I'd been doing this for a while.... I could have thrown myself into dating right away but it wouldn't have been correct to do so (For me and whoever I may have dated back then) & if I didn't feel ready to do so, I wouldn't be doing it now.