Any advice about the ex would be appreciated

[heartbroken23]

Hi i posted yesterday in ex BF/GF forum under "Maybe someone out there can explain this". Well my ex just wrote the following email. Soemone please give insight to whats up with her.

 

 

 

well, I wrot eback to her expressing to her that I need to distance myself because I am not ready to be friends. I said it was too hard when I still love her. I also mentioned the times when she wrote me the following when she while she is with her BF...

 

"It is so weird and sad that we arent together, we're not shopping for presents for each other, not taking trips to the mall, sharing those really good drinks from that little shop. Its soo sad!!!"

 

and I also mentioned the time she told my friend that she missed me and didnt think things would work out with xxxxx

 

She got very defensive. She said there was nothing wrong writing and saying that stuff to a "good friend" (ME) and in a nutshell, she basically said she hated me. I said sorry for feeling like this, but maybe it is better if didnt talk at all. I didnt want it to come to this, but she couldnt understand my feelings. I think she is pissed because she realizes the string of security has been cut. Any other opinions, because I was doing so well until this, I feel like I am back to square 1 and we have been apart since may.

[melrich]

Isn't this a repost?

[lady00]

You did the right thing. She is wrong for saying that it's okay to say that stuff to a "good friend." You're an ex who has feelings for her and yet she still manages to be so uncaring and selfish? If she really cared about you, she would never have told you all that stuff about how she missed you unless she really meant it and the fact that she is still with her bf means she wasn't sincere. I know it's hard for you right now...you haven't been treated fairly. All you can do is just what you're doing...distance yourself. You don't deserve to be hurt like that and if she can't understand why you would be hurt by the things she said then she probably will never understand until she is in your position. If she is angry, it's her own fault...you've done nothing wrong by telling her you want space. Don't let her anger make you feel guilty. Stay strong. Good luck!

[Sim3a]

man i know how it is my gf is doing the samething to me. like i think what they mean by that is that they know they can just have us a security blanket for the future but like yea ive had enought already and starting to try NC but its really hard for me. Think u should just do the NC untikl she is ready to leave this guy or wants u, its beter to heal that way

[Sim3a]

man i know how it is my gf is doing the samething to me. like i think what they mean by that is that they know they can just have us a security blanket for the future but like yea ive had enought already and starting to try NC but its really hard for me. Think u should just do the NC untikl she is ready to leave this guy or wants u, its beter to heal that way

[heartbroken23]

Thanks guys. I just really hope that she doesn't "hate" me. I was only telling her my feelings.

[kipster]

Thanks guys. I just really hope that she doesn't "hate" me. I was only telling her my feelings.

 

My man, you are far better than I. I personally, do not want to be friends with my EX, although I wish her the very best and we ended on semi-good terms (probably in her view more than mine). Anyways, we can be 'friendly' but how on earth could we ever be friends when there is absolutely no trust left in the relationship? Even friendships require trust and if a woman/man could hurt you by breaking up with you and then wanting to be your friend while she uses you as a safety net (readily apparent)--while she walks that tightrope with a new guy (the balancing bar)--then how could she ever truly be your friend? If you can handle that, befriending that type of person, then you certainly are a bigger and far greater man than I. Personally, I would not do that to my EX even if I had broken up with her. Anyone with a modicum of respect and understanding would know that to have someone new and still want someone from your past that you spent 5 YEARS with as merely a 'friend' could only cause internal pain to the latter individual. This is not rocket science and I wouldn't subject even my worst enemy to that, much less a woman that I at one would have presumably been in love with as I assume your EX professed to you. I think you are making the best move possible by telling her that a friendship can't work at this point and I believe that you're being very generous and appeasing by even telling her that the future might contain one. Again you are far greater than I.

 

I would certainly wish her the very best and pray for her, I wouldn't tell her that I'd do that on my own for my purposes, and I wouldn't communicate with her no matter how much it hurt. She knows where to find you if she wants you and then the ball is in your court if you want to return serve and give the two of you another go. But the way she handled things makes it seem like the new guy was there all along since you don't just end up with someone new that fast (I could be wrong here though). Anyways, I say the more you try to communicate with her the further you're moving yourself backwards and impeding the healing process. Don't worry, if she wants to see if the grass is greener let her graze. It generally isn't...

 

And her getting 'pissed' is probably due to the fact that when you wanted to sever contact she felt herself losing power in the situation and really having to rest on whether she made the right decision or not by breaking up with you. I believe there is some doubt (given her unwillingness to just cut communication totally and saying bad things to mutual friends about you--a woman that's done generally doesn't say a damn thing about you or waste her time even thinking about you) but not enough for her to go with you. She wants to see what's out there and wants the thrill of a new guy. So give it to her and at the same time, when you heal up, find that special person for you. And in the long run...take a wild guess regarding which one of you two will be happier....

 

Kip

[heartbroken23]

Thank you Kipster, alot of what you said made sense. I appreciate your comments. Thanks again!

[Ated]

Kipster.... Your advice is just sooo well put. Thanks. Its very very uplifting. I was having second thoughts in being 'friends' with my ex just to show him that i am the bigger person. But i now realise i do not need to. Because all the time i was with him. I treated him with respect and loyalty and evrything. I already was the bigger person. I do hope what u said about the grass being greener on the other side, isnt necessarily greener, is true.

[kipster]

Kipster.... Your advice is just sooo well put. Thanks. Its very very uplifting. I was having second thoughts in being 'friends' with my ex just to show him that i am the bigger person. But i now realise i do not need to. Because all the time i was with him. I treated him with respect and loyalty and evrything. I already was the bigger person. I do hope what u said about the grass being greener on the other side, isnt necessarily greener, is true.

 

I'm glad I was able to help Ated. I remember your story from some time ago and I hope that all is well on your end. I think the way you're handling it is commendable and yes, I believe you have already demonstrated that you were/are the bigger person. No need for overkill . As far as the grass being greener, I think the consensus is that it really isn't greener. To continue on with the analogy, the grass isn't any greener (i.e., better) its just that the other person waters their lawn differently. They still have their quirks, strengths, and weaknesses that are just DIFFERENT from those that the original person had. Not necessarily better, just different. That's generally why people meet a new person and then realize that, in the long run, the person was no better than what they had. Some return, others do not, but just come to the realization that this time around I'll deal with the new person's deficiencies better. Me personally I'm an advocate of sticking it out with the known as opposed to closing up shop for the unknown (unless theirs abuse or a situation that's beyond fixing). One just has to realize that a relationship takes work and that two people must be committed to making it work unless even two people that seem like the best match will end in shambles.