Moving on WITHOUT Forgiveness

[Glamourice]

What is your take on this? It seems to be kind of the norm and even on some of these threads it seems like it is mandatory in order to let the feelings go. Is it really? I think it is optional and seems to be working for me. I can accept, rather than forgive, and I seem to be moving on. I still have my good days and bad, of course.

 

I still miss my ex. But I had to leave him because he was running around with strippers and paying for them in front of me, and I talked to him about it but left anyways. I took him back, but he kept in touch with these women outside the clubs. Then we was rude in front of my mom and said he wouldn't want to celebrate my birthday with her cause he already made plans for just us (which weren't anything special, and not something we could have done another night).

 

I couldn't get over it, so that really means I can't forgive him, does it not? But I am moving on. I left in August and I am sad about it still because in some ways he was perfect for me. But that was a huge boundary crossed. My one friend says I'm holding a grudge though. But I do think I'm making progress. I've held NC even though he tried contacting me. Even on Christmas Day he called me to say Merry Xmas and I ignored him. I really don't think I'm being unreasonable or handling this in the wrong way. I don't want to forgive him cause I don't think that kind of disrespect deserves it. Especially after I took him back once but the behavior continued to an extent. Even after he apologized. Even though I was his first serious relationship and so there's the cluelessness. Fair enough right?

 

And that's another thing, I typically don't accept apologies cause look at what happens in this case. Am I really headed for disaster?? Am I handling this wrong?

[redswim30]

Just my opinion, but you are handling it wrong. Forgiveness is for yourself, not the other person.

 

I'm not sure how old you are, but you should learn to accept apologies. Have you never done anything in your life that required forgiveness?

 

Hey, I'm not saying you were wrong to break up with him. My ex husband put me through hell. But, when our divorce was finalized he apologized to me for all that he had done.

I could have held it over his head, but why? To feel superior? To make him "suffer", (which, it doesn't by the way, you only hurt yourself). Because the only way to really put that chapter behind me was the accept the apology and move on.

Years later, I'm glad I did. I'd also be careful about judging what kind of treatment someone "deserves". Every human being is a flawed individual, including you.

 

So, if it was his first serious relationship, maybe he's learned some lessons to take with him into the future. And maybe you can learn from this, as well.

 

Forgive him. Remember, holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Let it go.

[mhowe]

It isn't wrong if it is working for you.

[Tanzi]

Forgiveness isn't necessarily about actively forgiving someone ... it is more of a natural process where you move on and move past any bitterness you once felt and find peace within YOURSELF. Basically, you eventually get to a point where you no longer think or care about a particular situatuation.

 

Accepting someone's apology may help in moving on and past the the bitterness quicker but it has little to do with them and more about YOU.

 

What happened in "your case" is that you accepted his apology and took him back. Accepting an apology doesn't mean you also have to take then back. You can accept an apology and carry on moving forwards.

[Ms Darcy]

Agree with Blue ... forgiveness to me is letting go of the feeling of victimhood, acceptance (e.g. accepting an apology or accepting the relationship is over) and moving on.

[Brotherhood67]

Moving on without forgiveness ?

 

I did.

 

Honestly, if it works for you, it works for you. And a lot of people I think actually believe that they forgave they ex because :

1 - He isn't around anymore;

2 - They took the NC way;

3 - They moved on with their lives.

 

What does it mean ? It means that given the proper circumstances, a lot of people thinking this way actually would feel a lot of resentment if triggered (i.e; : having renewed attention from their exes for example). They didn't actually forgive, they simply swept their ex under the rug and moved on.

 

It's a good thing if it works for them, for sure, but I actually believe you do not need to forgive them. Especially if it's a solution given over from other people with other feelings. You could actually focuse too much on that and poison your everyday life.

 

I don't say that moving on with lack of forgiveness is better, it's simply the best way if it works for you. And if your ex really and strongly hurt your feelings or manipulated you, showing anger and lack of a will to treat you like a human being with feelings and a human being they actually spent a lot of time with, then I see no reason for you to forgive if you don't want to or if you can't.

 

Actually, a lack of forgiveness from your side is also a way to draw a crystal clear line between what you want and what you can't accept. And that includes your ex. It's a way to redefine yourself after being "us" for so long.

 

And it worked for me.

 

I never forgave her for all she's done to me, and that doesn't include the actual decision to break-up. This one was justified for her of course. What wasn't justified were lies, deceit, manipulation, anger and true lack of respect for me and what we were together. What wasn't justified was the fact that she destroyed 8 years in a blink of an eye without remorse, destroyed all the good memories. And this, I don't want to forgive her nor do I need to.

 

What does it mean in everyday life ? It means that if I ever see her again (which won't happen - sorry Mhowe ;-) ), this anger will keep me away from her and keep me safe - like a safeguard. And I like it ;-)

[Glamourice]

I'm not sure how old you are, but you should learn to accept apologies.

 

 

Even when I took him back after the 'apologized' and he STILL kept in touch with the girls from the bar? Really???

[Vibing High]

Forgiving is not easy, even for the most enlightened among us. If you've been allowing your present life to be controlled by past hurts, I urge you to commit to forgiving. These steps can help:

 

- Talk to sympathetic friends and family about your desire to forgive. Chatting with others is tremendously comforting.

- Write a letter to the person you’d like to forgive, but don't send it. It's about you writing your feelings down and getting it out of your system.

- Understand that you are responsible for your own attitude. Don’t let holding a grudge keep you from feeling free, open and powerful in your own life.

- Each time you let someone else have control over your feelings, you give your power away.

- Know that forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person who hurt you, or condoning of their action.

- Give up expecting things from other people that they do not choose to give you. Attachment is the root of all suffering. Learn to detach.

- Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge.

 

I hope that helps and good luck x

[Tanzi]

Even when I took him back after the 'apologized' and he STILL kept in touch with the girls from the bar? Really???

 

The issue here is that you took him back and he let you down again. It's understandable why you would not be prepared to accept his apology ... and you really don't have to ... but accepting someone's apology (and thus going through the verbal motions of forgiveness) is different from actually being in a place where have found an inner peace and no longer care.

 

When my ex-husband apologised (numerous times) for the pain he caused me and our children when he left us for another woman I never openly accepted his apology. They were just words with no real meaning to me. However, eventually, I moved on from the whole saga and we are now able to communicate with each other on a very civil level. In fact we have just shared a holiday together with our children. What he did no longer burns me .... it no longer bothers me. I no longer care. Is that a kind of forgiveness .... I think so. If it wasn't I would still be bitter about the whole experience and unable to communicate with him at all.

[redswim30]

Even when I took him back after the 'apologized' and he STILL kept in touch with the girls from the bar? Really???

 

That's why you dumped him, but yes, you should still forgive if you can.

[kbbcoop77]

I'm not a big fan of forgiveness and I'm moving on just fine. The thought of her lying and cheating makes NC easier too. Took some time but I came out stronger and much more comfortable being alone now. She should work on forgiving herself but I'm sure she feels she did nothing wrong. Oh well, she can go live her life and I'm living mine just fine.

[Glamourice]

Thanks to all, I guess I posted because I didn't realize that forgiveness means different things to different people. And my wounds are still fresh and I'm still healing, even though all this went down over a year ago. I think that is different than holding a grudge. Blue and Darcy, you seem to say that there is a type of forgiveness that comes with time, which eventually brings a sense of peace and not caring about it. I suppose it can be, but I think that time will bring that anyways as it heals all wounds. I always saw that as more acceptance, which I still think can be related to forgiveness. But they are essentially different. Doesn't mean I have to forgive him as a person.

[Tanzi]

Blue and Darcy, you seem to say that there is a type of forgiveness that comes with time, which eventually brings a sense of peace and not caring about it. I suppose it can be, but I think that time will bring that anyways as it heals all wounds. I always saw that as more acceptance, which I still think can be related to forgiveness. But they are essentially different. Doesn't mean I have to forgive him as a person.

 

Which is essentially what I was saying. Time WILL bring acceptance .... and acceptance is a forgiveness of kind. Time will soften your emotions just as it will heal your wounds. For example, if you had children and therefore regular contact with your ex, over time you would move on enough to be able to communicate with him on a civil level instead of every interaction you had ending in an argument or tears. It isn't an active forgiveness but you would have forgiven him to an extent.

 

I don't think you need to forgive someone to move on ... it may help to an extent but it won't stop you from moving on eventually. Whether you accept someone's apology or not, it is as much just words on your part as an apology is theres. You can move on in your own way ... the point is you are moving on.