Stopping the mind from wandering.....

[rich46]

Hi all,

 

It's been a couple of weeks since my break up. Three years together, LDR although saw each other most weekends. She suddenly started acting distant, few days later I asked to chat, she panicked as she knew I was going to ask what was going on, and no contact since. I rang her a few days after (once) and she didn't answer. Been 14 days NC since then. My guess is that she met someone, and is feeling guilty and too cowardly to offer an explanation, and would have preferred to act more and more distant rather than simply tell me.

 

I have no problem doing NC and feel like I have made good progress these last couple of weeks. I'll never initiate contact with her again, deleted her from facebook, skype, etc. Taken down all things from my apartment that remind me of her, deleted her number, booked flights to visit Korea next month (I live in Japan), and also flights for a much-needed couple of weeks back home in summer (I'm from England). The periods of dwelling on the past are becoming less regular, but still they persist, so.......

 

Any tips on what to do when your thoughts start to wander? How to snap out of it before it escalates? Such a simple thing can trigger thoughts about her, and before long I am imaging her happily with a new guy as if I didn't even exist. Reading these forums always helps a lot, but I find that too much just causes me to start dwelling on the past again. Balancing act...

 

Anyway, thanks for reading and hopefully offering some advice or simple reassurance.

 

Rich

[Deciduous]

Hello Rich46,

 

You see these moments of dwelling and trying to work out "What the heck just happened" as threatening and "bad" for emotional well-being. They are painful thoughts and who willingly wants to go through pain.

 

So you attempt to suppress the emotional healing process. Hey me too. I've been known to be an "emotionally supressor" too. Because it provides a quick and immediate pay-off. Right?

 

But what it also does, is prolong the healing process, because "bad" feelings never come up for healing - or it circumvents the process entirely - which usually results in you still carrying those unhealed feelings - just at a sub-conscious level. In other words, although you will firmly believe they have vanished, they've just been driven underground and usually re-emerge when you are placed in an emotionally vulnerable place again.

 

i.e. your next relationship.

 

Sure I can give you some tips on how to deliberately suppress emotion. The old elastic band on the wrist, being twanged, the moment you mind wanders to your girlfriend. You can absolutely go down that path.

 

After-all it is your mind.

 

I can also give you some guidance on what happens when the emotions are free to naturally follow their own instinctive path to emotional balance. - Deci

 

 

Heartbreak doesn't heal in a straight linear line. (Because the first week would kill us) It happens in waves. The wave comes in you are swept off your feet and pretty much dead. “Why did it happen? Why did she leave? What could I have done differently? I miss her so much. I feel so lost”

 

Then it sweeps out again and you will feel better. You can just make out the sky. The girl at the Deli looks kind of cute. Then in again and you are back praying for death. Then in and out until the waves get smaller and finally sweep over the horizon.

 

It repeats the process over and over again.

 

That is the process of healing. Your experience is pretty normal.So you broke up a few weeks/months ago and just started feeling better. Then suddenly something happens. And you are back in the depths of despair.

 

This is normal. You are not going back to the beginning. It really is okay to feel what you are feeling.

 

I understand that you are worried. You fear you are starting at the beginning again, but you are not. When the tide goes out, it goes out further each time, dropping lower on the horizon. Still has the power to come storming in.

 

Even in it's finally stages after 6-12 months, it can really shake you up, although it retreats fairly quickly in comparison to the early stages.

 

This isn't a set back. Just your emotions going through their natural cycle. This is not a sign that you will never get over her, just a sign that heartbreak is a tricky business and washes up unexpectedly at times, even towards the end when you thought the tide had gone out for good.

 

The way through is not repression or trying hold the wave back, King Canute style. Or denying that you are hurt. Most times you are better off letting it wash up over you, knock you flat, then getting up and going about your business during the reprieve. Sadly most of the healing isn't done during the reprieve. It's done when the wave hits.

 

The head has it's own processes, as counter productive as they seem to us. It's been healing heartbreak for a thousands of years. Got it's routine down cold. You will come out the other end I promise.

 

Use the reprieve times wisely to rebuild your life externally, building up your interests and friendships, health, body, the gym etc. What ever gives you comfort.

 

At the end of the day, the rest of us have been where you are. We have survived. Haven't done it with style of grace (nobody does) but we have survived. The grief you are feeling, the raw sorrow - was always going to come. The sad days, and the days or despair. I know how painful it is to experience it, but it does get better - eventually, it does get better.

 

So hold on. Just hold on.

 

Heartbreak usually goes 5 tried stages. They are there for a purpose. That purpose is not meaningless suffering.

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[goddess]

As soon as these thoughts creep up, I would to do something to distract myself quickly, like listening to some music that you enjoy. Sing along. Sing loud!

 

Try breathing deeply and slowly, concentrate on your breathing, as you try to empty your mind. Really try to focus on your breathing. This may be hard at first.

 

If it's during the day, try talking a walk. Or bike.

 

Watch some TV.

 

Call a friend or a family member just to say hi.

 

Start dancing to the music.

 

Start to do some form of exercise. Anything that will distract you. Good luck.

[nuttybuddy]

Yeah, distraction is key. If you're laying in bed trying to fall asleep, and she pops into your mind, turn the TV on. Keep distracting yourself. You'll soon forget her. Good luck. You can do it!!! BTW, I'm going to Korea next month. U think we'll bump into each other? haha

[rich46]

Thanks for the replies everyone Wise words as always on here.

 

Just woke up after some terrible dreams about her, and strangely, my ex from a few years ago. No doubt about it, the weekends are the hardest part.

[Kadbanoo]

Deciduous - This is gold (and it's nice to see someone around my age, too, I always have the feeling people here are much younger). I, too, am of the school of "let the pain it you, don't supress"... I went through agonizing pain of the loss of my ex (my story is in my two previous posts) - the first time I had been broken up with - and consciously wanted to feel and with the pain. Not because I'm a martyr or masochist, but for the reasons you stated: It didn't want to suppress because the people who I see who do this (and in my very limited sample, it has tended to be guys I know, because they lack the emotional support system that many women have) staying stuck much longer and never really understanding the dynamic of the breakup, still feeling like a victim of the break up.

 

It's been eight months since my break up and after five very dark months, I had a couple of months of true happiness and sunshine (feeling like my old self again) and had a couple of "set backs" last month and in the last couple of weeks - but I have used the 'reprieve' time to keep building my circle of friends and start to (re-) take care of my body and health. I feel like I'm now three steps forward, 1/2 step back when these moments come - and it's a relief to see hope, light and sunshine again. Thank you for posting this great advice!

[Deciduous]

Bless you, Kadbanoo,

 

Yup, I'm rocking it for the Middle-Aged Massive

 

(and in my very limited sample, it has tended to be guys I know, because they lack the emotional support system that many women have)

 

Sadly, true. eNotalone has always had a higher percentage of males than females, because of differing gender support systems.

 

As you say, not only do females tend to have more robust support systems, it is also that, both sexes are subtly influenced by very ridgid gender roles.

 

Society allows women to express painful emotions, in a way that is subtly prohibited to men. That old stereotypical image of a broken hearted female running round to her best friend's to eat Hagaan Daaz and cry about her no good, lying cheating man - is based in truth. Whilst in a similiar situation, the guy is actively encouraged to "zip it" subscribe to the Sports Channel, and keep watching until he's "Pulled himself together" (Then we are puzzled why the 15-35 age male suicide rate, here in England, is three times that of women)

 

I'm so pleased that Rich46 started this thread, to bring home this issue.

 

I do wish you the best, Kadbanoo

 

Decixx

[Lysflower]

Hey Rich, currently experiencing the same issue as you as my ex broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. No issue to keep NC either as I know breaking NC would only make things worse for her and myself and delay the healing process. I have been trying to keep myself busy with friends as much as possible. Had the best day yesterday in two weeks after going on a country walk. Today is awful as I find myself alone at home sitting on the sofa with zero motivation and my mind constantly racing.

 

Even though it is really painful, as highlighted by Deciduous's post I think it is part of the "wave" healing process. That post actually reminded me of a break up book I recently read, which highlighted the differences between "sleeping on" and "moving on". Long story short "sleep on" is when you desperately keep yourself busy to bury the bad emotions incurred from your breakup, whilst moving on is about reconnecting with yourself to find yourself in a better position when you feel ready to date and be in a relationship again. That being said, "sleeping on" is better than isolating yourself from the world at home, especially in the early stages of the break up. And ultimately, we have to "learn" to be on our own again at home at some point.. But it's frigging painful the first weeks/months.

 

I also believe you have to "embrace" the emotions as they come. Over the past 2 weeks I found myself trying and refraining from crying when I was overwhelmed with sadness. The longer you hold it, the more painful and overwhelming it becomes. Best to let it go, it will be awful for a good 15 minutes, you will feel exhausted but at least you will get an emotional release.

 

Good luck Rich and all the best.

[rich46]

Hey Lysflower,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Could you let me know the name of the book please?

 

Yeah weekends are the worst aren't they? May be it is because that is when I used to go to Tokyo and see her. Week days are pretty good and getting better and better. Need to get busier on future weekends as like you say, those sofa days make it too easy to spiral out of control. But good to embrace it too, and after a rough day yesterday, I do feel a lot better today despite a sleepless night. With each "wave" I can feel me emerging in a better condition, but it is slow progress of course.

[Lysflower]

Hey Lysflower,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Could you let me know the name of the book please?

 

Yeah weekends are the worst aren't they? May be it is because that is when I used to go to Tokyo and see her. Week days are pretty good and getting better and better. Need to get busier on future weekends as like you say, those sofa days make it too easy to spiral out of control. But good to embrace it too, and after a rough day yesterday, I do feel a lot better today despite a sleepless night. With each "wave" I can feel me emerging in a better condition, but it is slow progress of course.

 

Hey Rich,

 

The book is called "Let's move on: Gravity of Love for lesbian break-ups" by Jess Wulf. So most of the book would be unhelpful to you. The sleep on / move on dichotomy is described from a lesbian perspective but I am sure it can be applied to anyone going through a break up irrespective of gender and sexual orientation. I can try and PM you with the main points when I have time.

 

I also feel better today, trying to keep myself busy with work. It can be hard to have something planned all weekend as nobody seems to be available on Sundays! Instead I try and have Skype calls with my family....on my sofa.

[chickadeedee]

>>Any tips on what to do when your thoughts start to wander?

 

Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it to wean yourself off thoughts of her. Your mind is stuck in a groove where it keeps returning to her, and you need to divert yourself from that to break that obessive groove. You can structure your time by setting times during the day when you will allow yourself to think of her, set times for example morning and evening for 15 minutes each. Set a timer, and think of nothing but her. But then once that 15 minutes is up, you go off and do something dinner, and tell yourself 'STOP!' if she pops to mind any other time during the day, and remind yourself you will be able to think about it at your scheduled time, but not now.

 

Then every day, you reduce the amount of time your allow yourself to think about her, going from 15 minute, to 14, to 13, etc., weaning yourself off these thoughts until you get to the point you don't feel the need to think about her.

 

You will really struggle with yourself at first to get control of these thoughts, in the same manner that an addict struggles with the urge to do drugs, but the more you practice this, the better you get at it until it is not a struggle anymore and you just automatically stop thinking of her is you tell yourself stop and that you'll think about it during your set time every day. And once you stop letting her rule your thoughts, you will start to free up and feel better and have energy to think about other things in your life besides a ghost from the past.