Turned Tables: Ex-Bf's Mom Diagnosed with Tumor...

[sayer7]

If anyone has been following my posts you may be familiar with my last ex-bf and how close I was to his mother. I've always considered her my second-mother, so the news was very hard to take.

 

Last Thursday she called to tell me she was diagnosed with a grapefruit sized tumor and it is most likely malignant because of her family history with cancer. Her mother died at 74 from ovarian cancer- she is only 60 though. She is due for surgery next week.

 

Because of this I have recontacted my ex to see how he is doing under the situation and to tell him to keep me up-to-date on the details of her condition.

 

I have first-hand experience myself having gone through chemotherapy as I too was diagnosed and survived large spreading tumors last February. And if you've followed my posts, one of the main reasons I broke up with my ex-bf was because he chose not to help me out during/after my emergency tumor surgery/or chemo.

 

The tables have turned and I have some resentment towards my ex.

I wouldn't be resentful if he didn't go out of his way to justify why he wasn't there for me last year. I think I would feel better if he would just acknowledge he was wrong and seriously apologize to me. Instead, he apologizes by making excuses and justifications and compares why my situation was different than the situation he is now facing with his mother and why he wasn't there for me.

 

He says "For you, I knew in the end it wasn't serious...but for her, and knowing the family history-- I know it's serious."

 

Ok...in my book, I had to go through chemo anad everything--- so what about MY case wasn't serious to him???

 

Anyway, despite all his excuses I still just wish he would apologize to me for abandoning me when all of this was happening to me. And that's it... no excuses, no justifications... just a serious, heartfelt apology.

 

In the meantime, I've been trying to support him and have been trying to be positive and hopeful and just be there to let him talk to me... but underneath my support I have this nagging resentment and anger inside me that makes me almost NOT want to try to help him and just be there for her.

 

What would be the best way to deal with this situation? I want to be there for her 100%... but being there for HIM just seems completely unjustifiable; however, not being there for him just seems completely morally and ethically wrong.

 

What do I do? Help please!!

[HajiMaji]

Awesome, first off id like to wish her luck and a quick return to health.. I hope you deal with it well also.

 

I am not familiar with your story, but it certainly seems like you were hurt in a big way from your ex abandoning you! I couldnt imagine!

 

You seem like a good person. You know that this has got to be hard for your ex so you want to be there. I want to say i think its perfectly acceptable if you dont want to be there for him. You are still have these underlying feelings and those are hard to get away from. Im afraid if you continue to help him you might grow more and more resentful, slowing your ability to forgive/heal from the whole thing. Im not trying to call you out and say you are a bad for having this resentment. I tihnk its perfectly natural and its very awesome that you are posting this. Its hard.

 

I imagine if i was in the situation, while listening to him talk about his mother's problem i would constantly be thinking ,"Arrhg!! Why werent you there for me!?! Its so frusterating!". Thats no fun for you!! You are not required to put yourself through those emotions. He will be fine regardless if you help him.

 

Dont do anything you dont want to do.

[Mun]

Hi Sayer,

I hope her tumor is not malignant and that she is well soon.

 

I feel that you should be there for her since she has been good to you and you see her as a second mother, but I don't think you should offer the same support to him. If he comes looking for your help, then that is your perogative, but to OFFER him your shoulder-- I wouldn't. Now I know this is a special case and all, but you are already questioning your feelings on this. You are right to be resentful, when you were ill he showed you how much you mattered to him by NOT being there for you. His excuses are just that, and they do not justify his behavior.

 

You gotta look out for yourself girl. If you are going to resent being there for him then don't do it.

 

that's my 2 cents.

[DN]

But sometimes you just do what you feel in your gut is the right thing to do, if your conscience would hurt later then maybe you should take the high road. Sometimes 'revenge' is best taken by showing the person who hurt you how they should have behaved.

[sayer7]

Thanks for your good insight muneca, DN, and HajiMaji! I appreciate it.

 

I've considered what DN has said, shown revenge by showing what how I wished they'd behaved, but I'm thinking I'll wind up doing what muneca advises by being there for her but not to the same degree for him.

 

I've gone through a lot having gone through tumor surgery and treatment myself alone,and what really makes me angry is how he always discredits what I've been through, degrading my experience as "not serious" compared to what his mother is going through when I do try to provide insight from my perspective having gone through what I have.

 

Three of my best-friends had either a mother or a father die from cancer growing up and I was literally brought up around cancer patients. My family always helped the family's children by taking them in while the mother or father went overseas for surgery and treatment. I've known many other close family friends who have been diagnosed, treated, and survived. So first-hand, I have a lot of experience that I'm willing to give him, but whenever he asks for my opinion he later blows me off, and discredits my own experience with cancer.

 

And it's just so enfuriating to be asked for advice only to have it tossed in the trash bin like it's worthless even considering all my experience with this kind of situation. And it hurts me to be rejected in that way.

 

So I think I'll take muneca's advice for now because he's just ticking me off too much and the past pain of being hurt by him is still too fresh even after a year.

[CarterJonas]

Well I would help her out; be there if she has any questions or just wants to talk things over with you. I assume she will have her family there as well.

 

I would leave the ex boyfriend be, he is an ex now and should be of no concern to you, especially the way he has treated you in the past.

[DN]

Whatever works for you. And he is a jerk to minimise what you went through.

[annie24]

I would save the kind feelings for the person who deserves them: his mom. Your ex sounds like a jerk - he wasn't there for you during your time of need. But honestly, I think his mom needs support more than he needs support right now. Why don't you invest your goodness into writing her get-well cards, and bring her some flowers, and offer to help around the house for her sometimes.

[sayer7]

Thanks for all your feedback and support guys! I truly appreciate it.