Was I raped?

[Shy_Girl25]

Hi,

 

I have a question about something that has been bothering me for a little while. Awhile ago I was dating my first boyfriend. We had only been together for a few weeks when we slept together......the problem is, I'm not sure that I wanted to.

 

I had never been intimate with anyone and I dont remember saying yes.....but i didnt exactly say no either. I know i wasnt ready, but i felt pressured. He broke the rule we had (we had said that one of us would keep their underware on at all times) and the next thing i knew we were having sex. Afterwards i felt kind of......I guess in a way i was happy, but afterwards i felt betrayed. He broke up with me a week later. We lived apart so i didnt see him again after we had sex. I spent months trying to get him back telling myself that i loved him and wanted to be with him, but now i realize that maybe i was jsut desparate to make my first time seem.......special. I dont now. I guess what i want to know is, was i raped??? or was it just me being stupid? I never said no.....but i never said yes.

[shademan]

no

[avman]

Well I don't think you could consider it rape since you were able to consent (you weren't drunk, drugged, or asleep), you never asked him to stop, it doesn't sound like he used any force, etc.

 

What you have is something we all have had at one time or another. "Buyer's remorse". We did it, but looking back on it we wish we hadn't. And I think most of us had much higher expectations for our first time then it actually turned out.

 

Treat this as a lesson learned for your next boyfriend. You can say no if you don't feel you are ready.

[DN]

I would have to say no as well. If you felt happy afterwards then you were not. And you never said no, but went along with it.

 

I think you are confusing rape with feeling used because you broke up soon afterwards.

 

Rape is a very serious charge and should not be used lightly. It means forced, or coerced in some way, or taken advantage of while drunk, or drugged, or in some way unable to consent.

 

No means no, but the absense of a verbal yes does not mean no (if you see what I mean).

 

The lesson learned is not to have sex unless you know you really want to.

[Shy_Girl25]

Yeah i didnt think i was, that whole night is just hazy. I'm not sure what i said or didnt say. i know we had gone for dinner and i had a drink (Magarita? I know it had like 3 shots or something in it), but after that...........

 

re-reading my post, happy is the wrong word, but i'm not sure what else to call it. My bf was a virgin to and i guess i felt special that he wanted to loose his virginity with me, but he bailed early that morning to go hang out with his friends (after he had told me weeks in advance that he was gonna spend the whole weekend with me).. I guess i hold some resentment.....the break up was completely out of the blue. I know he said he hated being a virgin - maybe i was just an easy out for him. its in the past. i just wish i could remember everything that happened last night. I remember hesitating, and then he was there.......*sigh*

I'm with someone new who treats me like a princess....thats all that matters right now.

[Vert]

The issue with rape is that it can be consensual sex for 99% of the act until the very last second when the woman decides she doesn't want to anymore. From your story I'd definitely say no you weren't raped.

[From_Now_On]

From what you have posted...I would say no--absolutely not. You were not raped. I know you want to find some way to write off this first time as the 'first time'...but you can't take back what happened. You regret it now, but hopefully you will have learned a lesson. But no, you can not classify it as rape just because you regret having done it. Like was mentioned, "rape" is a very very serious issue. I wouldn't go there.

 

Sorry if any of that sounded harsh...but this is a very serious accusation and you need to understand that although you wish things wouldn't have went the way they did looking back on it now, you can't just write it off as "rape" to make yourself feel better...because in the end, it will actually get people hurt.

 

Anyway, that's my two cents.

 

Take care.

[avman]

I'm with someone new who treats me like a princess....thats all that matters right now.

 

Thats the most important thing. I'm glad you are with someone who is really good to you.

 

I think DN is right. You weren't raped, but you were used. And while that's not illegal, it certainly is immoral. You are better off without that guy in your life.

[From_Now_On]

I'm with someone new who treats me like a princess....thats all that matters right now.

 

I just saw this comment...and yes...that is what matters now. I'm glad to hear things are well. Enjoy that and try not to think about the old stuff too much.

[soon2bfamous]

you were raped.

 

You didnt say yes, thats not giving consent, he raped you, end of story

[avman]

I disagree. She gave consent by participating in the sexual act without telling him no.

[DN]

soon2bfamous:

You don't have to say yes. There was implied consent: she didn't say no, she didn't resist, there was no coercion, there was no power imbalance, she didn't complain afterwards and she still isn't sure.

 

You can't object post facto

[PAdreamer]

Legally, you're wrong, Soon. She may not have said yes, but she did not say no and she did not try to stop him at any point during intercourse. thereforeeee, she was not having sex against her physical will. She may not have said yes with words, but by giving herself to him of her own free will, she was in fact consenting to having sex with him.

[Shy_Girl25]

I really dont know what i did or he did. I know he was a big guy, I know i was scared and I wanted to make him happy cause i didnt want to loose him. I vaguely remember saying something about not feeling ready, but whether that was an attempt to resist him i dont know. I know i didnt say yes, but i didnt think i could say no. it felt like something we were supposed to do.....i didnt try to push him away, i didnt call for help.....i just layed there and let him do what he wanted, trying not to give in to the pain.

 

I remember telling him not to break our rule and then him saying "lets do it" and next thing i knew he was on top of me. Thats all i remember clearly.

[DN]

sorry, still not convinced. But you seem to be on the way to convincing yourself.

 

Remember you said you spent a long time trying to get him back. That doesn't sound to me like someone who was raped.

 

IMO you would be much further ahead concentrating on your new relationship that letting this rule your life. He treats you like a princess you said. Enjoy that and let the other go.

[Bjourne]

You must have been very drunk or something since you don't remember so many details at all. And if you were both virgins at the time, there is also the possibility that you weren't even fscked - it usually takes two virgins a few times to get the technique right since sex isn't the easiest thing in the world... or so I've heard.

[Shy_Girl25]

Im not really trying to convince anyone or even myself of anything. Just trying to sort somethings out. Since we broke up, hes still in my life and is always hitting on me and trying to get me into bed again saying that i was such an easy lay before.

At this point im just gonna concentrate on my new relationship and close the door on the past.

 

Thx for all the advice

[DN]

good luck - hope it goes well for you

[mt_joy]

People don't usually ask "Do you want to have sex right now?" every time they have sex, so just becasue you didn't say "yes" doesn't mean you were raped. It sounds like regret and that's all. You were used and that, though not illegal, is still not right. I know it can be hard to go through those emotions, but just concentrate on your great new boyfriend and avoid contact with that guy. He'll just use you again if you give him the chance.