Feeling like there's somethig wrong with me..

[Amp33]

I have a lot of siblings. And all of the ones who are of age (7 of them) are all married. Even my younger sister.(19) I believe that they all did get married too young. But I also can't help but be so envious of them all.. They all found someone to love and love them in return.. I've always been the odd one out in the family. I'm strong willed and independent, which they are not. But I also believe I have a lot more to offer than simply being a house wife/mother. (Which 5 of them are).

But they still found someone. They all have someone to go home to at night and get all of the love and affection that I crave to have.. I meet a lot of people. I pursue potential relationships. And I always end up getting hurt..

 

Just recently I met a man (long distance) who I believed was the one. And he lead me to believe he thought the same way about me. And then he changed his mind out of nowhere..

 

I'm sorry, I suppose this is more me venting than anything.. I just don't understand how I'm the last one left alone. I'm a strong woman, I believe I am more than average looking, I keep in shape, I have goals, I'm determined. But I feel like I will never find love. I only ever find rejection..

 

Can anyone else relate?

[rainmistdb]

You said that you were strong willed and independent. Do you even want someone to marry or is it because that is was is socially expected of you? What do you really want out of life? And how do you your past relationships - you mentioned that you end up hurt. What happens before that part? And what kind of partner do you want? Are you dating people that meet your criteria?

[Amp33]

You said that you were strong willed and independent. Do you even want someone to marry or is it because that is was is socially expected of you? What do you really want out of life? And how do you your past relationships - you mentioned that you end up hurt. What happens before that part? And what kind of partner do you want? Are you dating people that meet your criteria?

 

I do want someone to spend my life with. Absolutely. I'm the kind of person who can manage a relationship very well, and respect and understand other people to an art. I want that somebody to share my life with. But yes, at the same time I almost feel like I SHOULD have that person because the rest of my family is committed. There was never a big sign in my past relationships where things turned south. They just did. I honestly can't pin point it. Sometimes I believe that I'm too stubborn, or strong willed that some men can't handle it. Like they don't challenge me, and they just give up. I'm in no way looking for a challenge, but that seems to be the problem. I do have higher standards because I know what I deserve. And even then, the men don't seem to want me... I don't know what I do wrong. I'm a very loving and compassionate person, though it is difficult to tell sometimes through my sarcasm and wit.

[cbh1979]

I can relate somewhat. I come from a large family, too, and while everyone else isn't married they do seem to have better luck with relationships than I do, and I always felt like the odd one out overall as well. (I like to kid that I was adopted I recognize that part of the reason for that is I'm very guarded initially...it takes me awhile to warm up to people, and often by the time I do they've decided there's no connection there.

 

Do you feel like you're pressing in any of these relationships, because you crave what your siblings have so much? Is that something these potential mates would pick up on?

[chickadeedee]

Sometimes young people just grab the first person they date and settle down like a game of musical chairs... as in, whomever they are with when they hit a certain age they just marry. So it doesn't mean they have GREAT marriages or even that the marriages will last. And things are always better looking from the outside in and in fantasy. By that i mean, they could go home and get ignored by their spouse, or have all kinds of hidden issues that you don't know about that mean it isn't bliss just because they are married. The only people who think marriage is a perfect bliss-fest of love all the time are those who have never been married before!

 

There are challenges and disappointments being married, just different ones than being single. So some things about being married are good, and some things about being married are not. And being married to the WRONG person or in a conflict ridden marriage is far worse than being single.

 

So don't focus on them. Focus on your life and opportunities they will not have because they were tied down at a young age. Frequently people who are married young wake up 10-20 years later and are miserable and feel like they missed out on so much in life by marrying young. And don't even like their spouse anymore because they married so young they were half formed as people and grew apart as they matured and changed.

 

So being strong willed and independent may have saved you from settling down with the first guy you could grab where for a few years the marriage looks great, but ultimately you end up in divorce. Your siblings may or may not live a happy life with their spouses, but statistically speaking, people who marry young have a much higher divorce rate than those who take their time maturing and finding the right spouse once they are fully formed as adults and have had a chance to live and work and figure out who they really are before they marry and tie themselves down. so lots of those who marry young end up divorced in their 30s and 40s.

 

So stop being envious! It's a waste of time and not an accurate portrait of marriage or the way life is the way you are projecting it. Take advantage of your independence to fill your life with meaningful things, and to get out and socialize so you can meet more men to widen your pool to date.

 

I also suggest if you do online dating, you try to keep it local or where you're within a couple hours drive of whomever you are dating so that you can see them often and the relationship can progress normally. LDRs can progress really slowly and waste a lot of time due to distance and also can be problematic because you don't see each other often and can't really get to know someone well if you don't see them face to face and in person frequently. So you can online date, but keep it to within distances where you can date more frequently and normally.

[catfeeder]

Most people are simply NOT our match. So the first goal of dating is to screen OUT bad matches rather than to latch onto anyone to try to make a fit.

 

For instance, the long distance guy. That's a lousy match from the gate, because you can't get to know someone by exchanging fantasies you create with one another. So I'd skip that idea and keep my radius close enough to manage 'real' dating.

 

Past breakups have nothing to do with how fabulous we are--or not. If you can accept the fact that real simpatico is rare, and that if finding love were easy, there would be nothing special about it, then you won't seek to sabotage this long range thinking with short term urgency that keeps you miserable without a match.

 

Find ways to soothe yourself and bolster your resiliency. Commit to learning how to make yourself happy solo, and this will give you a stronger foundation from which to make smarter choices about who you're willing to date.

 

Allow bad matches to pass early. Each time you do this, you move yourself one step closer to finding the RIGHT guy. View rejection as coming from one of many who do NOT own the vision to 'see' your unique value through the right lens, and trust that the right guy will 'get' you. Those who don't are simply not your guy.

 

You cannot rush this. My friend and I saw an elderly couple cuddling in the park. She complained that she was jealous of their history together, while I was inspired by the idea that they may have just met.

 

You get to control the voice you want to run in your head. I'd recommend an encouraging coach rather than a critical judge. I'd also be proud of my singlehood--it means you're not a sell-out.

 

Head high.

[chickadeedee]

One other thought... I remember when most of my friends were married in their 20s, but 90% of them were married to men I wouldn't be the least bit interested in (really boring, obnoxious, lazy, wimpy, etc.). And they weren't even necessarily all that happy with their husbands, they just felt they wanted/needed to be married so they married. And they were mostly married to men who would either bore or annoy the bejesus out of me. If you are strong and independent, then most likely you are also intelligent and the 'average' guy that you could snag quickly as they did would probably be the wrong choice for you.

 

I have very clear in my memory one woman friend who was a very smart and lively woman who decided she wanted to marry and married the most dull and unimaginative man you could imagine who shocked everyone because they seemed like such a poor match, but he was willing to propose early on and marry right away so she grabbed him because she was so hot to marry. Then after she was married, she spent all this time trying to fix her single female friends up with his equally dull friends, almost in a frenzy to justify her own decision that being married to anybody was better than nothing (when it truly isn't).

 

She even tried a 'stealth' blind date for me because i kept refusing to let her fix me up, by inviting me to dinner and inviting one of his friends (without telling me) and it was the most excruciatingly uncomfortable and boring dinner i ever attended because the guy was totally WRONG for me, unattractive to me, boring and obnoxious in every way. And afterwards she was hounding me on why i SHOULD want this guy and treat him as a serious prospect when I was horrified by him. It really strained our friendship because she was hell bent on marrying off all his horrible friends to all her friends when we couldn't stand any of them.

 

So you are idolizing marriage as if being married to ANYBODY was better than being single which is just isn't. In studies where they evaluate happiness. the happiest group of people (who rate themselves as happy) are married men, and the UNhappiest group of people who rate themselves as least happy with life are married women. So single and divorced women rate themselves as happier with life than married women do.

 

So you may THINK that marriage will solve all your problems and make you happy, when in fact if you marry the WRONG person you may well be bored, restless, unhappy and feeling trapped. If you are single you at least control your own choices and can look for a really suitable match, but if you just marry in haste because you think you SHOULD be married or that marriage will magically fix your feelings and life, you may be stuck in a horrible marriage or getting divorced and dealing with sharing kids after a divorce which really pitches your life into real upheaval and a far harder life.

 

So be careful what you wish for. You are falling for the 'happily ever after' myth where you think all you need to do is get married and your life will be fixed and happy. And many many cases, it just doesn't end up that way, especially if you marry young or in haste to couple up and choose the WRONG person. Your siblings may all appear happy now in their young marriages, but check back in 10 years and odds are really good that 60% of them will be divorced (which is the statistical norm). And that statistic is the average, with couples who marry young having an even higher divorce rate.

[bulletproof]

I read in another thread that you are 21? That is way too young, in my opinion, to even be remotely worried about this.

But, if you are "craving" love and affection and always getting hurt, then perhaps you do need to seek some help or do some serious introspection.

[Antago]

It sounds miserable but it could take years and years to not only learn lessons but also find the right person. Additionally, you do not need to compare your love life to your family; that makes no sense. You said it yourself that you feel different from them; it doesn't make you unlovable, maybe just far more complex and needing of a lot more time

[IMagicI]

Hey.

 

I totally feel what you are going through, because I think I have a similar kind of problem. I don't have a lot of siblings, but I see taken and cuddling people all around me -- and in time I felt like it has really started to affect me somewhat. I have wondered why do I have to be so different from the people around me? I have also been living abroad and will continue to do so, possibly move to another country soon to continue my studies, and the issue persists.

 

Maybe we are meant (I know this sounds a bit weird) to find this retrospective justifications to give out / develop something -- either ourselves or the world. I am seeing this from this point of view now.... Time has to tell..