Wait for him...or move on? Please help!!!

[aes116]

Hello. This post is going to be long, but I will try to keep in concise. I am really struggling, and don't know where to turn, and what to do. Ok. Here it goes.

 

I come from a broken home, and fell in love and married my high school sweetheart. We were together almost ten years, 6 of those years good, and four really bad. Things started going downhill after I gave birth to my seven year old twins. We were committed to a certain lifestyle, and he decided he didn't believe in it anymore. I was devastated, but decided as a dutiful wife, I needed to stay and make it work. For the next four years, we suffered many hardships. We had lived overseas, and moved back during the height of the recession. He couldn't find work to the point he became severely depressed, and then WOULND'T look for work. He still controlled all the financial aspects, and dogged me any time for how I viewed spending. He was upset we were increasing our debt, and blamed me, but wouldn't help provide. He became emotionally withdrawn. Even when things were good, date nights were few and far between. During this period, he only went on with me on our anniversary, and typically that started off with a fight, original plans were vetoes by him, and we did something other than what I had planned because he wasn't in the mood. He neglected us, and we fell apart. I tried numerous times to get him to go to counseling, and he refused. I went myself, and was diagnosed with depression. At the same time, I had just started to go to school after being neglected an education from the third grade. I worked part-time, went to school part time, and ended up getting admitted into one of the toughest nursing programs in the state. He was supportive, but only for taking care of the kids, house, etc., but not me emotionally. I realized I was being verbally and emotionally abused with how things he treated me and say things, but couldn't see it until years later. Please, keep reading!

 

In nursing school, I met a lot of interesting people. I met one student who I thought was cute, but he was immature, stand offish, and to put in nicely, a . I tried to be nice and kind as I was to everyone, and he was just rude. I hated him.

My second semester, I was having issues with my study group, and say him and a mutual friend studying. I asked if I could join them. Whatever happened, we hit off. We were great study partners and fast friends. Even though I though I was cute, I was still in dutiful wife mode, so didn't think anything more than that.

As I progressed through the program, I became close with all of my nursing school friends like they were my family. All of our families didn't get how hard it was, or what we were going through. I am still close to a few of them to this day, and we always joke they are my "sisters from a different mister", this guy included. We all got along, and we loved each other. We made our own family, so to speak.

During this time, my husband would take care of our kids, the house, but not us. Whenever I was anxious about a test, or needed time to study, he couldn't understand, and blew me off. He constantly undermined my parenting, how to run the house, etc. We still had a sexual relationship, but no emotional relationship for almost two years at this point. Things seems to get a little better when he found a decent job, and I was halfway done nursing school. We seemed to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Then, I messed up in my last class in nursing school, and was unfairly punished. I can't get into it, and i've since complete the program, but was suspended for a year. I was devestated. My husband fell apart, and DID NOT SPEAK TO ME FOR TEN MONTHS. Any time I upset, he said I was blaming everyone else, that I wasn't accepting responsibility. My family said I was lucky he didn't divorce me. I leaned on my nursing school friends for support, including this guy. They all thought I was unfairly punished and treated, and couldn't believe my husband emotionally checked out of the relationship when I needed him the most. Every month I would try to get him to go to counseling. His reply was that if we needed someone else to fix our problems, we really had problems. PLEASE KEEP READING.

 

As this year went on, me and this guy got closer and closer, but still didn't think anything of it. Months went by, and after what seemed like forever, I was preparing to go back to school. I had found some short time baby sitting job that didn't work out, but then found a job as a tech to give me experience while I was in school. I was picking up lots of house, our kids were in nursery, and things were looking up. Then my husband dropped the bombshell on me that he didn't think we could afford for me to go back to school. I was in disbelief. I said if it was him, as I had done, I would tolerate six months of craziness to improve our financial situation by 30, 000 a year. I told him that I was going back with or without him, and I told him though we never resolved the hurt and anger between us during my suspension. I was really close to this guy, lets call him Bruce, and all my friends, and they all were so angry at his behavior.

 

Weeks went by, and me and Bruce talked everyday. I went out one night and again, was stupid, and got a pulled over after I had two beers. I got a DWI, and needed an attorney and all this stuff. It was terrible. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. When I told my husband what happened, and begged for forgiveness, he told me to sell my rings to pay for it. He called me selfish, and when I told him I would pick up shifts to pay for the fees, he said I took money away from our family, and needless to say, for me, it was the straw that broke the camels back. I was done. I had emotionally checked out. I told my husband that if something didn't change, I was going to leave, and I didn't love him anymore. It was a reality check for him, and he agreed to go to counseling, but I was done.

 

I kept talking to Bruce, and slowly realized after this that I had developed feelings for him. Yes, I had an emotional affair. Yes, I knew it wrong wrong. This is all back story. We admitted feeling for each other, but I was married, and he was out of relationship, so we agreed to remain friends. Of course it didn't work out that way, and as much as we tried to keep it that way, we coudn't. My husband found out, and tried to message him. My and Bruce decided for the best to stop talking, because as much as we cared about each other, he didn't want to be a home wrecker.

I tried to stay away, but I loved him. I messaged him several weeks later, and unbeknownst to me, my husband had hacked my email and read our correspondence. He found out, and he threw me out. I moved all my things to my sister's, and Bruce felt awful. He agreed because he loved me to stay away. My family hated for YEARS how my husband treated me, even when things were, in my mind, happy, but had amnesia, and took his side and casted me out. They blamed this guy for breaking up what they all of the sudden thought was the perfect marriage. Friends stopped talking to me. I was thrown out of the community. I made a decision, and I had to live with the consequences. My husband regretted kicking me out, and wanted me back, but I knew, with or without Bruce, that I would never be happy with him that there was too much hurt or angry. I know its long. Please keep reading. PLEASE.

 

After a month or so, me and Bruce met up, and we knew we couldn't stay away. We began casually dating during my separation. I knew this was it. I knew I wanted to grow old with him after several months. During this time, I was in nursing school (hell), dealing with angered and upset ex (can't blame him), no family support, and poor financial support. The only person who stood by me was my father who lived in Kansas. I was bouncing from place to place, and while I saw my children every day, I didn't have a home for them. This hurt them, and they really struggled but were ok after a month or two. When my younger sister got engaged, I wasn't invited to the wedding. This crushed me. Holiday times were particulary hard, but I had Bruce, and I was ok. I was depressed, and taking medication, but not regularly. I missed my family and friends, but was happy with this guy. He didn't want any children of his own, which worried me about how he would be with mine. He was supportive and ok with it, and I started bringing them around him after nine month. He was great with them. He did for two week talk about having his own kids, but then changed his mind again, and it gave me false hope. It crushed me. I thought I was coping to the best of my ability. As I was getting ready to graduate nursing school, my father got sick and was in and out of the hospital. I called every day, and it was one thing after another. I felt like I couldn't catch a break. Bruce was there for me, through and through. Sadly, my father died right before my graduation. We all were lucky enough to say goodbye. My family still refused to speak to me, even though he had tried mutliple times to reunite us. They tried to ban me from the memorial home. It was awful. I wasn't medicated at the time. I was trying to keep busy, and studied for my nursing boards, and I passed! But even though I passed, I couldn't find a job a nurse for three months, and that was only part time. Things were very, very hard. ALMOST OVER, PLEASE KEEP READING.

 

Me and Bruce were pease in a pod, but he wasn't perfect. He was immature, selfish, and even admitted it. When I need a place to live, I suggested we get a place together, as he was working on moving out from his parents since he was financially secure as a nurse. While he felt bad and gave me money for rent, he was afraid moving in to soon would rip us apart. He helped me find a place with one of his coworkers who he was originally going to move in with. I appreciated his sacrifice tremendously. He ended up getting his own place ironically next to mine because of his dog. He hated how my family treated me, and his family became my family. After my father died, I didn't realize I wasn't coping. I became extremely depressed, but thought I was ok. I, too this day HATE MYSELF for what I did in nursing school and how my marriage ended. I blamed mysellf, and dogged myself a lot. My self esteem was in the toilet. After my father died, we all were hanging out with my now roomate, him, and one of their coworkers. They were ragging on him about how this coworker kept getting involved with coworkers. He literally turned to me and said, I love you babe and you are gorgeous, but then turned to him and said there are coworkers he would sleep with but it wouldn't be right to me. I was stunned. Then when we talked about it, he did say in 5-10 years he'd be interested in bringing someone in, or being able to hook up with one person once a year but then coming back to me. I gave it thought as that is the new trend these days, but I told him I couldn't do it. I took a step back. When I found out my ex was dating (still hadn't finalized divorce cause of financial reason) I became torn and ambivalent. My daughter was going through a very hard time in school, and we tried to be more of a family, and it made me miss the good times with him, and him. I tried to keep it from him, but I told him that I had feelings for my ex, and missed my old life, and was unhappy. That was Burce's wake call, and he became immeadiately way more committed to me. I tried to work through it, but i was a mess, to the point I told him I thought about purposely crashing my car and ending it. He knew I was torn, and told me he was willing to give me a year, but he wasn't going anywhere. As the months progressed, I looked for therapists, and even though we had planned to move in together when his lease was up, we knew we couldn't with my condition. I agreed. Even in end of October, I asked him if he wanted to marry me, and he said Yes. He tool me and my kids away to the beach for a family vacation, and it was perfect, but started struggling a few days back. I couldn't see how uncontrolled my depression was. At work, people kept having babies, and I wanted more of a family, as I felt I didn't have one anymore. I had my aunts and uncles and a few friends, him, and his family. He didn't have an easy life, but couldn't relate to the sense of loss I was dealing with. I told him I didn't think we could stay together if kids were completely off the table. We went through hell for two weeks. He was torn what to do. He loved me, but didn't want either one of us to grow resentful, and he wanted to give me what I wanted, with or without him. I had an appointment Things became so bad and awful, he broke up with me, asking for a break to calm his emotions, and we would speak around Thanksgiving. I was a hysterical mess. That was my wake up call. I didn't want my ex, my old life..I wanted my life I was building with him. I texted him and he asked for space, but things were more hopeful. I tried to leave him alone, but I was really struggling. Then, horror of horrORS, i found out I WAS PREGNANT. I was in disbelief..and a mess. I knew it was unwise to tell him. I had just started therapy, and right off the bat, I told him and told him I had planned to terminate the pregnancy, as I knew I couldn't cope as a single mom. He, and mutual friends of ours told me that if I didn't tell him, it would be worse. I tried reaching out to him, where he told me he was trying to change him on a fundemental level, and things were still so murky, and while he appreciated the space, he couldn't meet up any time soon, and he had a lot of work to do. I told him I wasn't going to tell him in text message, and its something medical, and to call me. He called, and I told him. he was afraid i wouldn't terminate, and I told him for me and my children, I was. The conversation continues, and were terrible to the point I called the abortion hotline over night to see if there was any way to up my appt. I was so nauses and sick and losing weight. She told me there was an appt that day, but I had to work. I told her to give it to me, and she warned me against it, but at this point, with the emotional pain I was going through, I didn't care. I should have listened. No one was able to come with me on short notice, and I didn't want Bruce there to terminate what (at the time) I had thought I had wanted. There were complications, and I needed a DNC several weeks later due to the fact I have severe scarring on my uterus. I was diagnosed with Asher'sman syndrome, and informed that even though this was a horrible turn of events, it had actually probably saved my life. I had been having pain during menstration and bleeding for over two years, and I was advised against every getting pregnant as my uterus could burst, and I could bleed to death. Me and Bruce hadn't spoken since I told him the procedure didn't go well, and that I might need to go to hospital for a transfusion. He told me he thought the only reason I was doing it was for him, and I shouldn't contact him if I went to the hospital. He said he will try and see where things are with him, and will try to reach out after the new year, but I need to stop contacting him and people he was close with. He was upset I was doing that, and upset I put on facebook that I was going through a hard time. He stopeed speaking to me, and I just went on each day, trying to move one, get on meds, do therapy, and get better. ALMOST DONE, PLEASE CONTINUE.

After all of this, my ex found out we had broken up, and STILL wanted to get back together with me. As much as I loved Bruce, and knew there was no way, and what was done was done. We tried being friends, but he was bipolar, and would be kind one day, abusive the next. We saw each other every day for the kid, and it was very hard. We were in an argument, and he hacked my phone again and stole pictures of me and sent it to Bruce, stating I sent it to him and they were meant for him. Bruce texted me and said based on my behavior, that we couldn't get back together anymore. He also accussed me that he never though I was pregnant, and for me to please get help. I was hysterical. Then got a call that my uncle, my father's brother in law, had a hear attack. I was a wreck. I texted BRUCE everything, explaining everything, how I felt, why I couldn't leave him be, the abortion, all of it. I did tell him I wasn't going to contanct him until Feb, and was going to try to move on, because I was tired of one more person leaving me, deserting me, and calling me a liar. I sent him a picture of my pregnancy confirmation paper, and told him that I hope I am over him soon. He then responded back, apologizing, telling me how he was conflicted, how he missed me, how he was ed up, and need to work on himself, and he didn't know what the future held, how he thought he found the woman he was going to grow old with. I asked to call him, and we spoke, and everything seemed ok. He said if we get back together the following day he was afraid it wouldn't work, so let's speak in February. I focused on myself, went to grief support, got back into things I enjoyed, and as my meds kicked in, got back to my old self. I realized i didn't deserve this, and he left me when I need him the most. My uncle died three days later after the one year anniversary of my fathe's passing, and it crushed and devestated me, and angered me I couldn't reach out to him. I needed him, and I really tried, and have been trying to move on. February came and was almost over..I was trying to leave him alone, but if it was over, I needed to hear it from him. I reached out on what would have been our two year anniversary. He was cold, but he responded. I told him I didn't want to bother him, and I would speak to him later. He responded ok. two days later, I asked for his schedule, to which he responded he was sticking my his decision to not get back together. I asked him why, and he said he felt it wasn't a very healthy relationship, or a good idea. I told him it was, and all I wanted to do was talk and see where things could go, and there was too much love between us to walk away. for the first time in my life, I had my soulmate. He said it was best I move on, and he is unwell. I asked him to please consider one day, and he is my match, and I can't move on, because I love him. I asked him if he loved me, and he said not in the way I needed. I told him all I needed was him, to which he responded if I don't stop, he was going to block me, I told him I can't, I love him, and I sent him a whole email, just asking him not to cast me out of my heart, I am better, but please get better and come back. He never responded.

 

I know that was a Bible...but I really dont know what to do. I am not eating, I am not sleeping, and I am trying to move and heal, but I can't. I feel this is all my fault. I feel I sacrificed so much to be with him, and if I could take any of this back I would. My therapist told me to move one, my friends did...but its killing me. He is killing me. i want to message him all of this, but I feel like I am just repeating myself. He won't see me. He won't contact me. Does he truly not love me...is there any way I can win him back? I spent four years trying to make my marriage work, and that's why I am fighting so hard. If he isn't well, I don't think this is a safe or smart decision. People in his life told him to stay away, and that is so hurtful. I was sick, depressed, and not coping, and he left. He broke my heart. I am trying to let him go and move on..but each day hurts than the next. Please advise me what the best things is to do. I want to message him to meet me at one of our places in June...is this is a bad idea...please...please...please help.

[dave_1966]

You need to urgently step back from these situations, you are currently dealing with heartache, bereavement, and kids. The toll on your nerves must be terrible, the first port of call should be a doctor to get medication to calm you down and most likely enable you to sleep. You need to go no contact with Bruce, not to make him miss you but to get yourself to a place mentally that you can rationalise all these things in a healthy manner. This may take months, and you need to start that journey today. Every communication with him now is pushing him further and further away, and that needs to stop immediately. Concentrate on being with good friends for the time being, they will be able to look at this in a far more objective fashion than you possibly can at the moment, listen to them. Go and stay with them if you can, to avoid feeling lonely and upset. Do as many relaxing things as you can, wind yourself back in emotionally. If your friends aren't being as supportive as you feel they should, get professional counselling. There are a lot of things going on that you need to step right back from, get some distance from them and find the time to heal and get yourself back to a better place where you can address all these issues from a position of objectivity and not raw emotion. Only you can do this, not Bruce or your ex. Only when you achieve this will you be happier with yourself, and how these people interact with you. Good luck, it'll be hard.