Being overshadowed, and how to be the alpha?

[Dougie_D]

And it's not working for you.

 

 

 

 

Yes, why not? Why would it be harder to talk about the hike than whatever it is you talk about at the bar? And if it's easier to talk to women at the bar because you've been drinking, then you're not more confident, just more buzzed.

I have no problem talking to girls sober. Just because I had 1 drink doesn't get me buzzed.

Bars are just a natural more social environment than hikes,etc.. We are sitting down and just talking. There is really no other distractions except music which actually uplifts me.

Bugs, sun, rocks, mud,etc... So many other obstacles to think about. I literally can't enjoy her company when I'm out of breath.

It has to be SUPER casual if that makes sense.

[agent1607307371]

Actually I was kind of upset about my roommate but didn't tell her. She's really a big sporty person. Does crossfit, soccer, co-ed stuff. Anyways, she asked my other roommate he needed to play on her kickball team. Just because I'm overweight she assumed I wouldn't have been at least interested.

 

She was right though. Maybe she knows that you don't like sports. I'm sure she's picked up on it by talking to you.

 

Honestly Dougie, you aren't going to get very far in bars. You won't try other areas. That's it. Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results.

[Batya33]

I gave you several examples that did not include hiking or outdoor activities on this and other threads. Your post confirms that you just want to whine about not meeting more "girls" and I cannot provide more input -but please feel free to see my other suggestions in this and many threads that have the same pity party theme about backstage theater, volunteer work, other kinds of meet up groups, dance lessons, photography, etc - stop placing limits on your own life and then blaming not being as attractive as your roommates or other irrelevancies. Take responsibility and take actions that are different from what you're doing now. You can do this - and limit the pity parties to less than 5 minutes a day -hopefully you'll be so busy and active you'll forget to have them all together.

 

Bars are not a natural social environment for meeting someone for a potentially serious relationship which is what you wrote you eventually want - what is natural is being involved in an activity indoor or outdoor with others who are also interested so that conversation flows naturally. You don't need the loud music and alcohol -that impedes conversation of the kind you need to develop anything meaningful down the road. And then you're around others who are buzzed/drunk so who knows if they are actually interested in you. And of course there's far more focus on looks than in the other environments I described.

 

Losing weight is a great idea if you want to increase your chances of meeting someone - even if someone doesn't care as far as physical attraction often people care about the health risks especially if they're looking for something long term. I don't blame your friend for thinking that you wouldn't be into that sport because you don't seem active enough/fit enough. Start with fast walking outside 20 minutes a day and build from there -there's a great site called link removed that can help.

[Dougie_D]

She was right though. Maybe she knows that you don't like sports. I'm sure she's picked up on it by talking to you.

 

Honestly Dougie, you aren't going to get very far in bars. You won't try other areas. That's it. Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results.

 

That's my point exactly. Going to activities that don't interest me will make people wonder why I'm even there. So then they definitely think I'm there to talk to girls. Like I said before, I don't have to be in a group do a hike or do any of other activities. How do you not come up desperate in situations like that? At a bar, I can watch a game, play a game of pool,listen to music,etc..that's stuff I naturally like and interests me. If I'm trying to find someone compatible then I have to keep on going to those type of environments right?

I'm just never going to date a sporty type. Too competitive for me and most are day people. I can date a sports fan though. I'm a night owl.

I do my board game meetup every other month. But I'm not there to strike conversations. I'm there to enjoy playing the games.

I've done poker nights with a meet up group but that became annoying.

I did a dance class with a friend and that was cool but it wasn't like everyone mingled afterwards.

I've done other activities before, they are just that. It's not a place to mingle. You do the activity and maybe if you are lucky, you can strike up a conversation where it might lead to a date.

[Batya33]

Then do music or pool related activities that do not take place in a bar (i.e. a meetup for shooting pool but that is not focused on going out to a bar)-and meet people who you can date or introduce you to other people down the road who might be available. It's called networking.

[Dougie_D]

Then do music or pool related activities that do not take place in a bar (i.e. a meetup for shooting pool but that is not focused on going out to a bar)-and meet people who you can date or introduce you to other people down the road who might be available. It's called networking.

 

What's so bad about being in a bar type environment. We are not talking about clubs or raves. That's not my scene. Pool halls are basically bars with just more pool tables.

Sports bars/dive bars --- a place to hang and watch sports on TV. Play pool or darts if they have them.

Lounge/cocktail/wine bars --- a place to sit around and socialize while drinking. Very casual

Venue bars --- small venue where bands play

[Dougie_D]

The only difference is the environment. I have the same chance to meeting that same person from a hike at the bar. One is day. Other is night. For instance, my roommate did her co-ed sports thing during the day. Then from 7pm to 2am we all went out bar hopping. Same girl. I'm literally confused. Is it my age? My age bracket?

[Rosti87]

The only difference is the environment. I have the same chance to meeting that same person from a hike at the bar. One is day. Other is night. For instance, my roommate did her co-ed sports thing during the day. Then from 7pm to 2am we all went out bar hopping. Same girl. I'm literally confused. Is it my age? My age bracket?

 

Truthfully in a few more years you will be on the older end of the 'age bracket' that goes to those type of bars. In five years you will be totally out of the age range. It is time to diversify your options.

[Batya33]

The only difference is the environment. I have the same chance to meeting that same person from a hike at the bar. One is day. Other is night. For instance, my roommate did her co-ed sports thing during the day. Then from 7pm to 2am we all went out bar hopping. Same girl. I'm literally confused. Is it my age? My age bracket?

 

Completely disagree. That is one person. Very often people who are healthy, fit and in their 30s don't bar hop for several reasons including the one Rosti posted. In my 30s I met men at singles events, singles resorts, on line dating sites, through work, through volunteer work. My friends in their 30s met men through those ways as well as salsa dancing lessons, tennis, backstage community theater, etc. I know a few couples who met at a bar. Very few.

[Dougie_D]

Completely disagree. That is one person. Very often people who are healthy, fit and in their 30s don't bar hop for several reasons including the one Rosti posted. In my 30s I met men at singles events, singles resorts, on line dating sites, through work, through volunteer work. My friends in their 30s met men through those ways as well as salsa dancing lessons, tennis, backstage community theater, etc. I know a few couples who met at a bar. Very few.

 

My roommate is 26 or around that range.

But my experience with dating, sex, relationships, etc.. is in that range and probably even younger. If I'm just dating for fun then I need to look for others with that mindset. Not women who already know what they want in a man. I can't give women the wrong impression if I'm not ready to for a serious relationship.

I have no luck with online dating.

Why is my age such a dealbreaker? This is really making me super depressed now.

[agent1607307371]

Because that's how it goes Dougie. You are getting to the age where it's just sad for you to be hanging around bars, haing with people ten years younger than you are, trying to pick up women younger than you are.

 

Why are women's ages such deal breakers for you? And don't say "women my age don't date for fun" that bs.

[Dougie_D]

Because that's how it goes Dougie. You are getting to the age where it's just sad for you to be hanging around bars, haing with people ten years younger than you are, trying to pick up women younger than you are.

 

Why are women's ages such deal breakers for you? And don't say "women my age don't date for fun" that bs.

 

Age isn't a dealbreaker for me at all. Apparently it's the mindset. Not sure why women feel like they can't hang or meet men at a bar after a certain age. That's what I'm gathering with our conversations right now.

I don't go around and ask ages. I suspect that I might be older, but the age doesn't bother me. Now, if she spends her time on Snapchat, then I might feel uncomfortable.

I mean if we go that route, that it's "sad" then I should quit my job. I'm 8-10 years older than my co-workers. I'm older than my manager.

[Rosti87]

Age isn't a dealbreaker for me at all. Apparently it's the mindset. Not sure why women feel like they can't hang or meet men at a bar after a certain age. That's what I'm gathering with our conversations right now.

I don't go around and ask ages. I suspect that I might be older, but the age doesn't bother me. Now, if she spends her time on Snapchat, then I might feel uncomfortable.

I mean if we go that route, that it's "sad" then I should quit my job. I'm 8-10 years older than my co-workers. I'm older than my manager.

 

One day you will figure out that the above are all signs that you are stuck. Stuck on several levels. This state eliminates many possibilities of dating for you, serious or non-serious. You need to advance your life and grow or you will be 40 years old repeating the same pattern. Please find a way to get out of this state before it becomes more difficult than it is already.

[Dougie_D]

One day you will figure out that the above are all signs that you are stuck. Stuck on several levels. This state eliminates many possibilities of dating for you, serious or non-serious. You need to advance your life and grow or you will be 40 years old repeating the same pattern. Please find a way to get out of this state before it becomes more difficult than it is already.

 

??? What's the state I'm in? I'm finally learning how to be more independent. That's a huge deal for me! I've advanced tremendously! Got a job, got a better living situation, actually putting more effort in my clothes (I bought a steamer!) . I'm growing . I just started extremely late in life.

[Rosti87]

??? What's the state I'm in? I'm finally learning how to be more independent. That's a huge deal for me! I've advanced tremendously! Got a job, got a better living situation, actually putting more effort in my clothes (I bought a steamer!) . I'm growing . I just started extremely late in life.

 

And that is fine and good. But many adult women even in their 20's are further along than this. I'm just saying that your dating pool is small until you grow more. Hanging out in bars will not help you grow. You need to expand your options.

[Dougie_D]

And that is fine and good. But many adult women even in their 20's are further along than this. I'm just saying that your dating pool is small until you grow more. Hanging out in bars will not help you grow. You need to expand your options.

 

Explain "grow more". I know I need a better job with better income . My roommate who is 30 something..gets multiples dates (online mostly), he parties with friends younger (goes to clubs), and works as a waiter/bartender for a catering business.

[Rosti87]

Explain "grow more". I know I need a better job with better income . My roommate who is 30 something..gets multiples dates (online mostly), he parties with friends younger (goes to clubs), and works as a waiter/bartender for a catering business.

 

I think bartending in LA if in the right venues would pay a decent wage. But he is 30 not mid 30's. There is a turning point around the mid-30's when most people transition. They go to bars less often and expand into other social activities. But the LA subculture can engender Peter Pan lifestyles so that transition is not as distinct as other cities.

 

I can't specifically advise you. I don't know you. I still feel that Los Angeles is not a great place for you. You would fair better in slower less superficial cities than LA.

 

But you can start 'growing' more by cutting back on the bar hopping and find other avenues of socializing. LA has to have tons of meetups that reflect your interests.