I am in limbo right now with this woman

[Avro1986]

Hi everyone,

 

I am new on this type of forum. Here is my story:

 

So, I was a 28yo PhD student (2nd year) when I met my girlfriend (25yo) last September through eHarmony. Things clicked quite rapidly, and we first went for a date. We had a great time. Surprisingly, topics of conversation became very personal: we talked about religion (I am atheist from a catholic background, and she is a "cafeteria" catholic as John-Paul II would say). She said "please don't get bad when I say this, but when my grandmother died, I asked why God would..." I replied: "please be yourself with me. It is important to respect other people's points of views and dignity." She was quite happy. Then we talked about family stories and had diner. We laughed and walked a lot. At the end of the ending, I said all things good things have to come to an end, and she replied "they don't have to be." Hence, I knew that she was also interested. We went on a second date and a third date. On the third date, during diner, I asked her if she would be interested in dating each other exclusively, she smiled a lot and said: "yes, I was hoping you'd said it." After diner, we held hands, walked under the rain (my IDEAL romantic date and kissed at the end (October 13) . During the first month, she was super interested in me, constantly texting me compliments and affection notes. I forgot to mention: before we started dating, she said that she wanted a serious relationship that could lead to marriage. I agreed. Hence, the first month was super. She told me that the reason why she joined eHarmony was because while hanging out with some friends (male and female), two of the guys, apparently, made derogatory remarks about women, and she became scared of letting her love life be dictated by who she meets randomly. She told me that there is a "lot of scum" out there. At first, she felt silly of needing to use eHarmony, but I replied that such services enable people to meet compatible people who they wouldn't meet in their normal daily activities, so it enlarges your pool of applicants. She agreed and laughed. She also told me that she was scared go being cheated on because she had been in the past. As a side note, during her short relationship, she kept making comments such as "if you cheat on me, I'll cut off your balls" or "I'll be super pissed."

 

At the end of October, during a phone conversation, we had an argument on women's and men's rights. To make a long story short, I argued that men were at a disadvantage in family courts (my mother left when I was 4 and never paid child support). She had graduated from law school and argued ferociously against me. She even stated: "I'll stop arguing because you don't know what you're talking about." This is apparent insensitivity and quick mood change made me very uncomfortable and started arguing. We hung up, but I called back to apologize. She also apologize. However, a few minutes later (I don't remember how we got there), she felt that I wasn't trusting her enough (it had been less than 1 month). I said: "Well, as we get to know each other, we'll get to exchange more with each other." She said that she had made a mistake feeling so comfortable with me, and she needed to step back to protect herself. I felt extremely guilty and pleaded with her that it wasn't true. She said: "let me know if you're not interested in this relationship." We hung up. I texted her apologizing, and no response. Afterwards, I couldn't sleep for two days: I was worried that I had screw up. When we finally met in her car (2 days later), I cried and shared with her my past. I cried telling her very personal events of why I didn't want to share too fast (e.g. I have been abused emotionally and physically by other people I trusted). I pleaded that I wanted her in my life. She responded: "I am very happy that you shared this with me. You know, I want to be your woman and be there for you." I cried more and thanked her. Usually, I am a very reserved and independent person, but for some reason, I became scared of hurting and loosing her, so I became desperate to please her. In retrospect, that was a mistake.

 

Anyhow, things we good for the next few weeks. The sex was great (we got tested for STDs beforehand and she used the pill), so it was my first time without a condom. It felt amazing. On Nov 24, I told her that I loved her and we both cried. I had never felt so close to someone so rapidly, so I trusted her and truly felt that I was going to marry her; I felt so happy. I know it's crazy to say this but that's how I felt. I don't have a lot of dating experience. We had a few skirmishes after, but nothing serious. She kept encouraging in sharing and being myself with her. She felt "very happy." The holidays came and on Dec 19, I received a letter from my school department asking me to withdraw from the PhD program and complete a M.Sc. instead (I had had several personal conflicts with my supervisor; I tried to extend the olive branch but she was a stubborn bit**.) At that moment, after years of sacrifice and working during weekends/summer/holidays to get into that PhD program, I was devastated. I almost passed out on the spot when I got the email. On that night, she came home, comforted me and had sex. It was very relaxing. However, given that I couldn't do anything because the offices were closed, I was super stressed. The holidays were already miserable because I was missing close family members who had died, I was alone, had to work, and couldn't rest because of everything.

 

On Christmas, I went to her parents and had a great time. Around 8pm, she drove me back home to go party with some friends who didn't celebrate Christmas. When she drove me home, she read me a love letter that she had written. I cried because I felt so "loved." She said: "now that I have experienced your love, I can't go back and can't imagine a future without you." I cried and promised her unconditional love and loyalty. Again, I know it was crazy to say it. That night, she called me saying almost crying about how her parents gave her for leaving on Christmas to go party with her friends. I listened and comforted her. She later texted me to thank me for listening to her during "her darkest night in her life." It came to me as odd...

 

Between, Christmas and New Year's Eve, we had another fight. I had planned a romantic evening. I went to work earlier to finish earlier, came home to clean and get the house ready. I turned down my dad and brother as well as my friends that evening because I had planned a date. Around 5pm, she texted me: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I got the nail colour that you like, the bad news is that my parents want to go see my grandmother." At first, I was pissed and texted her: "I turned down my friends and family for you." Then she replied: "I am very sorry, but I have to go. This is such a bad timing." I didn't reply back. Afterwards, I actually felt happy for her because her grandmother would be so happy. However, I was expecting her to at least call/text me to see how I was doing after visiting her grandmother. Nothing. I called her ~12. Turns out that she went clubbing with her friends. I felt really angry. She told me: "I can't read your mind. What do you want me to say? I feel like walking on egg shells with you." I was baffled and very sad. I apologized and asked her she was mad at me. She said yes and that she needed to go back to her friends. I felt like . Two days later, we had a fight about it, but we felt better after. She apologized and had a great evening and sex.

 

For New Year, she bought me a ticket for a New Year's party. I was working on that day (lab duties) but told her that I would stay until 4am (closing time). I am not a big clubber. She was the designed driver at the last minute (not because of me), and couldn't drink. She was used of drinking a lot and clubbing a lot. At the club, things started nicely: I talked to friends and other boyfriends and danced a bit. She came to see me a bit and then went with her friends dancing. At some point, she complained about how her shoes hurt (because she hadn't been drinking), and we went sitting in the lobby for ~20 minutes. It was around 1:15am. Her friend complained that they weren't the party animals they used to be. I started to feel tired and not well, and since I had to work later, I asked her if people were thinking about leaving earlier. She replied that it was impolite for me to ask and that I was a "big boy": if I wanted to leave, I could make a decision by myself. I felt ty and thought about it. We went back in the club, and I apologized for not dancing as much as her. She said that I was a good dancer, gave me some pointers but left me to dance on the floor with her friends. Finally, I asked her if I could leave earlier and she said "fine." She came to to the coat check. Obviously, she wasn't happy. I felt bad and asked her what was wrong. She said nothing. I replied: "I'm sorry. I'll stay." She said The damage has already been done. If you want to leave, then leave. It can't be undone.I have to get back to my friends" She promised me that she wasn't "mad" and kissed good night. I went home in a taxi with a broken heart. I couldn't sleep. She let me go, and went back partying anyways! Again, we had another big fight about it. She said that she realized several things about me that she came to accept. I asked her what these things were and she replied: "I am not telling you. You have to learn to live with that." I felt like a hostage. She also told me that I had totally disrespected her by leaving after all the efforts she had done for getting an extra ticket. She added: "The fact that you don't realize what you did is beyond. This is an attitude dysfunction." I felt that I was socially very impaired. I counter argued: "what about when you left me all alone and went clubbing with your friends?" She said: "It wasn't the same thing because it was just an evening at home!!!" We fought more. I apologized (she somewhat did). Finally, she said: "Next time, just stay until the end."

 

During the holidays, I was experiencing a lot of sorrow because of everything that was going on with my PhD and other things. I became so emotionally needy (I hate it now I think about it) and thought that she would make efforts in spending more time with me and be careful in avoiding fights. I admit: I have my share of responsibilities because a fight takes two. Sometimes she started, sometimes I did. I just felt so betrayed, after she had "promised me" so many times to be there for me during hard times (now was the time) no matter what and that she cared deeply about me. Instead, she just went clubbing and saw me when it was convenient for me. I resented it.

 

Still, she seemed to come around and I was somewhat happy. On Saturday, January 10, we went for diner. During diner, she said that she was optimistic about her career because she was young with no commitment. I instantly felt anxious (at this point, I had become emotionally dependent and feared of being abandoned: totally the opposite of who I was 3 months earlier. I had told her several time previously of being scared of abandonment and, although I was going through hard times, I was taking actions to address the situation ). She asked me what was wrong. I said "nothing". We then went skating and it was super fun because she taught me how to skate. We went for coffee afterwards and talked. Seeing that I was uneasy, she said that it was important to talk about past experiences and lovers. She told me her stories and I told her mine. I told her that I had frozen at the restaurant because I feared of being abandoned. She held my hand, gave me her word that she loved me and that she would help me get through this ordeal. I was happy and cried more. That night, I called asking her to tell me that she loved me. She was uneasy saying "that she had already said so." On Sunday, after work, I went for a long walk, went to the cemetery to pay my respect to my grandparents and then to church as a tradition. That night I called her to tell her my day. She asked me if I were thinking about going to church more often. I hesitated saying that I had questions. She replied: "well, you should see the priest if you have questions and confess your sins." I felt very uncomfortable and replied "not really". She then became very very angry about how I had just "dismissed her opinion so disrespectfully and that she couldn't believe how I acted." Again, I felt socially retorted. I apologized but then became angry as well because I felt being abused here. She claimed that I was getting disrespectful. Then, she came back on the incident on the restaurant about me being frozen. Apparently, my behaviour had been very disrespectful and unacceptable. I was confused because we talked about it before. I thought it has been resolved. I said: "Well, I didn't say anything because I wanted to think about how I could express my feelings." She said: "oh yeah? Wait a minute!" She purposefully didn't talk for 1-2 minutes and said: "I propose that we don't contact each other for the next two days and re-assess our relationship then because I think that our differences are too big."

 

At this point I became very angry and said: "If you want to break up with me, do it now!!! but remember one thing: it is permanent!" She baffled and said "why are you saying this? You're being disrespectful. I'll hang up" I replied "I'll do you a favour" and hung up. Then, I sent her an angry text saying: "If you want to break up with me, do it but I refuse to be held hostage emotionally. I make honest mistakes and don't hurt people on purpose. I know who I am: I am a good, loving, caring and loyal person. If we don't get through this, then I know it would not have been true love. Otherwise, leave me alone!" She replied: "You're being very emotional and need to calm down to become the man I fell in love with. Call me when you are ready to talk." That night, I cried and felt like . I texted and left her message the following morning apologizing saying that I shouldn't have dismissed her opinions. She agreed to meet on Jan 13 for coffee at 8pm.

 

We met at 8pm and she started talking. She said that my last text message made her think of her 16-year-old exboyfriend and that I had "triggers". She was very uncomfortable and hadn't slept well. She argued that I had problems that she couldn't assist me with. I told her my side of her story: how I felt betrayed and was undergoing a lot of stress because of everything else but I was take actions. She said that my stress wasn't an excuse because I wasn't the only person asked to leave a PhD program. I felt so angry at how she trivialized this but calmly replied: "I worked 7-days a week for years, hadn't had a real vacation in 3.5 years, and sacrificed a lot to be here. Being asked to leave because of politics was extraordinary frustrating and depressing. She disagreed again with the same argument. She added that I needed professional help. I begged her saying that it wasn't the true me (everyone goes through hard times in life). She disagreed. I asked her: "what about you giving me your word about loving me and being there for me no matter what? you lied to me!!" She kept quiet. I added "next boyfriend, you might want to be careful before telling him you love him." She became very mad and cursed at me. "On what ing ground do you stand to tell me this!!!???" Again, I felt bad and apologized. She added: "I can't believe you just did that!!! You can't tell people how they should feel!!!"

 

 

Eventually, I gave up and said: "you know what? I accept your decision. I am sorry to have hurt you. It was never my intention. I wish you success and happiness in life." She was surprised and said thank you ad wished me the same. We walked out together. At the corner, while waiting for the lights to change, I said: "Well, this is it. I am happy to have met you. You helped me becoming a better person by pointing out things to improve." She stood there staring at the ground and said: "Well, I still want to able to talk to you. You're a good person. I'll always love you." I replied, confused, "I can't be on the sidelines while seeing you dating/having sex with someone else. It would simply be unnecessary suffering." Then, she cried saying that she was afraid of being cheated on.

 

I held her hand and promised that I would love and cherish her as a boyfriend; as long as she would let me by her side, I would be loyal. I asked for a second chance. She said that she couldn't until I fixed my "problem." She told me to get into her car and drove me home. In the car, we held hands. I admitted that my fear of abandonment contributed to this situation, but I was going to get help. I did see a psychologist in the past for other issues. She wasn't sure about it but said that she was interested in dating me again but only when I would address the issues. I kept repeating the same thing. She slowly changed her mind and eventually asked: "what can you fix precisely? You should ask the psychologist if we should still see each other meanwhile." I said: "I'll ask" She said: "I want you to see a psychologist for yourself, not for me." She When we arrived at my house, we both agreed that we had jumped into the relationship way too fast and start over again by giving each other space to sort out our s*it but keep dating/being intimated with each other exclusively. We hugged and I went home. That night, I text her: Good night! and she texted me same. The following day, I made an appointment with my former psychologist and told her. She replied: "wonderful! I am very happy for you! I hope everything is going well for you! xox" I felt happy and that there was hope. We didn't talk for 1.5 week: I visited my dad for a week to snowboard. I texted her: "Hello miss! I just came back from snowboarding. I was wondering if you'd like to go out this weekend." She replied 2 days later. We set up a date for the weekend and seemed interested by using phrases that we used to say to each other like "sounds like a plan!". However, she cancelled two days before because of family unforeseen circumstances. I replied: "No problem! I hope that everything gets better. Text me when you can! Be safe!" She replied: "thanks. Good night!"

 

I became busy with other things. 1.5 weeks later, she texted me out of the blue: "hi! I hope that you are doing well. I am going through a lot of conflict at home. Hopefully, when everything settles we could go for coffee. Take care. xox" I replied: "Hello! I am doing great! Lots of things set in motion. I am very excited for 2015 (which I am because I fixed several problems after the holidays). I am sorry to hear that. I'd like that. Text me when you can. xox". A week later, I sent her a box of roses to her house for Valentine's Day with a note saying "Thinking about you. xox" She texted me: "Hi! Thank you for the beautiful flowers. You really shouldn't have." I answer: "Hello miss! I am happy that you like the flowers. After all, a rose for a rose. Have a great St-Valentine's day!" She replied: "Thank you dear, xox Happy Valentine's day.

 

Meanwhile, I was seeing the psychologist once a week (still do). It helped a lot. The psychologist (she) said that we had been both very naive about love and relationships: you can't develop this promised intimacy that fast. In my case, I was too eager to love someone and opened too fast because of my past. She is right. I should have taken my time to get to know someone because you don't really low someone really well after 3 months. Now that I am more grounded, I realized that I had been played (partially my fault) and lost my self-respecft for fear of being abandoned. That girl also has issues. Anyways, I am man enough to acknowledge that there was a problem and address to have healthy and better relationships in the future. So, it's an investment.

 

Anyways, I left my "girlfriend?" a message two days ago asking her out. She has not answered me yet. I am in limbo. She seemed interested when I didn't care. Perhaps, she doesn't but out of ego, she is playing games? I am confused. The psychologist told me to set a deadline beyond which I should call it quits. She said that I can

find someone else who would fulfill me emotionally and make me happy. I know that I have written a lot and it only has been 3 months and that I am going through a lot of troubles to fix things, but I know that I have some responsibilities and want to make it up. I feel that everything could have been avoided if I hadn't been so needy/vulnerable or talked about my problems. I think that it's over, but I miss the sex because it was really good. I am uneasy thinking that she may be having great sex with another guy right now after treating me like that. To be honest, I do consider myself handsome: 6'3", 210 lbs, blue eyes, blond hair, and have been going to the gym for 4 years now. On the other hand, she kept telling me that she didn't find herself attractive (e.g. small breasts, no bum). She is also very obsessed in staying skinny (

eyesThank you for your time. It makes me feel a lot better.

[Willywagtail]

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