Has relocating made me see the truth?

[Chocolat29]

Just looking for an outsiders perspective other than family and friends. I hope I can say this as unbiased as possible.

 

My fiancee and I have been together six years, engaged for one and half. We're supposed to be getting married at the end of the year.

We moved states at the start of this year for his work. He is in defence. To say I struggled with this decision is an understatement. He's been in defence for nearly two years and I knew the move was coming for all that time. I am very close to my family and I never wanted to leave. I've had to pretty much put my life on hold for that two years because the move has been happening then postponed for over a year, which made it hard for me in terms of work as I needed a job I could leave at a moments notice. It's been really hard to be up here but I feel I have been trying hard to make it work i.e been keen to explore around me, making friends with the other partners and going out for coffee, and job hunting job hunting job hunting. That's not to say that I didn't cry every other day sometimes because I was lonely, but I feel that's to be expected from a homebody like me.

Anyway, last night we had a bit of a tiff. Nothing major, but I really feel he can be a bit insensitive to how I'm feeling. He has moved to yes, and he has left a family behind too, but he has come here with all his friends from his job and the comfort of knowing what he's doing and where he's going. I have to find a new place to fit in and I have to do it again and again when his job moves us. So basically the fight was him saying not very tactful comments about me being indecisive about work and we need money and so I ended up going for a drive for two hours to get away.

I had a big chat to my best friend and my mum on the drive and I am starting to think that this isn't where I should be. That this relationship isn't what it should be at this stage in our life. We are engaged we should be deeply in love and can't live without one another but honestly I could leave today if we weren't so tied up. I do love him but I think I have put his wants and needs ahead of my own for so long and I have lost sense of my own along the way.

I have had these thoughts long before we got engaged but there's always been something to blame it on, there's been some stressor and I've just said once that's gone we will be ok. But I think that it's incredibly sad that I have moved here to be with him and support him and I don't feel I'm getting it back. I'm not getting any support to achieve my goals or support to form a new life here.

I visited my mum on the weekend just gone and I didn't really miss him at all. I missed my dog incredibly though!

I don't want to rush into any decisions it's such a long relationship and this move was a big change, but in a way it's opened my eyes to what I don't have and what I need in a partner. Don't get me wrong he is a great person. He has financially supported us for a few months while I'm out of work. He always gets up to help with dishes etc. And he does feel bad that I'm unhappy.

I'm just rambling now. It's really hard to put into words what I feel. And it's also terrifying that I have contemplated every now and then ending this life with him. It's all I know.

I guess I don't want to simply give up because it's too hard. I don't want people to think I was weak and couldn't hack the move. But honestly, I could do this move and I could handle it if my relationship meant more to me than anything in the world. And the fact is, I don't think it does.

I tried to talk about how I was feeling when I got home but it just escalated. He got very defensive and said I'm just trying to find every negative about living here instead of being positive. And when I said I was really having doubts he got angry and then basically said that I was selfish and this was hard for him too he missed his family but he doesn't say it. And then he got really hysterical and cried for an hour. I just felt cold inside. Normally when he cries (and he rarely does) I feel so guilty and a for saying things like to him but this time I was just angry. It was almost like he used it as a manipulation. But I was also annoyed because he doesn't tell me. Every day I ask him how's your day honey tell me about it and I get a grunt or two words in response. Every day when I'm feeling sad I ask how are you settling in here do you like it what do you feel. And I know he doesn't express these things but it's not because I won't listen. I'd love to hear all about what he's feeling. So I don't appreciate it coming out in a argument to make me feel as if I haven't considered him.

I bet none of this makes sense. Oh well. It's out of my head I guess.

[Snny]

I am very close to my family and I never wanted to leave.

But if you marry, your husband IS your family. He becomes your immediate family and your parents are secondary. Are you ready to accept that? If not, then you aren't ready for marriage.

 

I had a big chat to my best friend and my mum on the drive and I am starting to think that this isn't where I should be.

Whatever you do, please do not drag your friends or your parents into your relationship problems. I get that you are lonely and have no one else to talk to, and it's so easy to run to them for support. But by doing so, you are also sabotaging your upcoming marriage. You make them one-side with you, and it will create future problems within your marriage. You need to pull your big girl panties on and learn to handle these conflicts on your own or with a neutral party (psychologist, counseling, therapy, etc.).

 

You seem very depressed and homesick. Moving to an unfamiliar area is extremely stressful and sometimes scary. Understandable- I had to do it by myself for a year and it SUCKED. Have you thought about seeking counseling to help you overcome these issues?

 

Many military wives go through this. Some survive it, some end their marriage because they cannot handle the demands of their partner's job in the military (moving around, deployment). Military relationships are not for everyone because of job affecting the family's lifestyle. Unfortunately... and I say this as being a previous girlfriend of a Marine... it doesn't sound like you can handle being in one if distance poses a problem for you.

 

I tried to talk about how I was feeling when I got home but it just escalated. He got very defensive and said I'm just trying to find every negative about living here instead of being positive. And when I said I was really having doubts he got angry and then basically said that I was selfish and this was hard for him too he missed his family but he doesn't say it.

Of course he is going to react this way. He is the bread winner of the relationship. He is doing everything he can to support the both of you. He has a lot on his plate with balancing a job and preparing for an upcoming marriage. By mentioning your own problems to him, which you should be handling yourself or through counseling, he is interpreting your feelings as you don't appreciate what he is doing and that you will walk away. This is going to push him away and add more stress to his own life- especially when he NOW feels you can break up the engagement at any time. Wouldn't that freak you out too if you were in his shoes?

 

 

You are in a tough bind and there is no easy way around this problem. In the end, you need to do what is right for YOU. Not for him. Not for your family or friends. For yourself. Counseling will help you sort that out. But in the meantime, you both should hold off on any wedding preparations until this problem gets resolved. Don't get married if you aren't ready.

[Chocolat29]

Thank you for your advice. You've provided a perspective I hadn't considered. I am trying to be strong.

 

However I do feel that in a marriage you should lean on one another in hardships and from what you are saying I should just accept everything and talk a counsellor instead of my partner. A) I don't have the money for that. B) What's the point of being in a relationship if we can't express how we feel? Of course it would be bloody hard to be the breadwinner and be working and have no extra money to play with but that's the situation we are in. I appreciate that. I have said that from the beginning. But wasn't my choice to be here and not be working I am trying to get work. I am trying to make the best of things. I clean and cook his meals and mow the lawns so at home there is no expectations on him to do anything when he comes home except relax and enjoy a meal together. I ask him about his day I show interest. I'm not really sure what more I can do. I don't think it's fair to put aside my feelings and just put on a mask.

 

As for being a military wife. As I said in my post I actually like living here. We are in a great neighbourhood and we have some friends and I have been actively trying to seek work as I understand that I need a routine to settle in. My issue is my partner. Not the military. I can survive anything if he was there for me. I'm just not sure he is.

[1a1a]

Whatever you do, please do not drag your friends or your parents into your relationship problems. I get that you are lonely and have no one else to talk to, and it's so easy to run to them for support. But by doing so, you are also sabotaging your upcoming marriage. You make them one-side with you, and it will create future problems within your marriage. You need to pull your big girl panties on and learn to handle these conflicts on your own or with a neutral party (psychologist, counseling, therapy, etc.).

 

If talking it out is how the op processes her feelings, then she should do this with trusted family and friends, the danger of them turning her against her fiance is Dwarfed by the danger of her becoming totally isolated because her fiance is the only person she talks to. That's like an abusive relationship dynamic in the making right there!!!! (the rest of the advice seems sound to me, just that one paragraph, makes my skin crawl).

 

Having said that, certainly, op, if you would like to try and salvage the relationship, it will involve a conversation where you articulate your needs that aren't being met, and maybe suggest ways he can meet them. And ask him how you can be a better partner for him too. And if fiance is totally hostile to this conversation, then that is your cue to dump this guy because a relationship with no communication is doomed from the start.

 

Sounds like you both have drifted apart emotionally. What can you do to reconnect? (If reconnecting is the primary objective). Also, you might just not be compatible, maybe you don't speak each others love languages and it's making you both feel isolated. Maybe you can learn to speak each others love language. If you want your fiance to be more supportive of you trying to put down roots in a new place, that is a Totally Reasonable thing to want!

[SophieGrace]

Having said that, certainly, op, if you would like to try and salvage the relationship, it will involve a conversation where you articulate your needs that aren't being met, and maybe suggest ways he can meet them.

 

This. I have a lot of empathy for the position you are in, and I think it's healthy that you are thinking about your future with this man and if it's what you want. But I do agree with 1a1a... if you simply complain to your guy without telling him HOW he can support you and help you through this process, what is he supposed to do?

 

Most guys want to solve problems and help the women they love - that's how they're built. If you just tell him how sad and depressed you are, I imagine he feels guilty as it was his job and his decision to move you both away - in other words he feels as if he's the cause of your unhappiness. If I were you, I'd come up with some pro-active suggestions to bring into your next conversation (that aren't accusations about what he hasn't done or laced with innuendos that the situation is his fault) - e.g. maybe you'd like him to encourage you in your job search rather than pressuring you, or share details about his day with you, or show appreciation for what you do at home - and be sure to tell him what this will provide for you (e.g make you feel closer to him, less lonely, etc.) I think this is the first step to see if he is willing to try to be the partner that you want and need.

[Snny]

What on earth kind of whack advice is this?! If talking it out is how the op processes her feelings, then she should do this with trusted family and friends, the danger of them turning her against her fiance is Dwarfed by the danger of her becoming totally isolated because her fiance is the only person she talks to. That's like an abusive relationship dynamic in the making right there!!!! (the rest of the advice seems sound to me, just that one paragraph, makes my skin crawl

Please explain to me, without getting huffy, how my advice is advocating any form of abuse? I would love to know. Not to 1-Up you or anything, but I have been in an physically abusive relationship before. Based on the given information, her fiancé has not show any signs of an abuser. Chill out.

 

Most relationship problems need to be addressed and kept between you and your partner. This needs to be done first before seeking other support. It isn't anyone elses business to meddle with it. When you are married, you will need to learn how to handle conflict together, or in some cases, with a therapist; you can't just keep running to mommy to fix your unhappiness in your relationship... Especially your marriage. Depending on how she discusses her problems (especially to her parents) it could further jeopardize her relationship and sabotage his trust. He could easily turn it around and say something like "oh, you spoke to your mom/friend about moving back home?! So now they convinced you to walk out of here and leave me? To break up our engagement?! Why couldn't you just come to me first instead of involving your mom in this mess?! Why can't you trust me?!"'

 

Then it becomes a touchy subject and you need to acknowledge all perspectives here. I've been there and done that. so by doing so makes your partner feel betrayed, AND mistrustful and angry toward his potential inlaws and your own friends. That is not how you want to start an upcoming marriage life because you can't resolve conflict together.

[Chocolat29]

I agree I could probably give more suggestions rather than complain about how I feel. Sometimes I do just say I'm sad and perhaps he does need more direction. However, I did try that approach last week and suggest we go on more dates and have some time just to be couply but it didn't get me anywhere. Not to say it won't another time but I really have tried.

 

I do think it's reasonable to expect support. Why else have a partner? I think we need to have a big chat about what we want out of life bexause I'd rather know now if it's not the same. It's really hard to have such discussions openly though without one person getting defensive.

 

I appreciate your perspective Snny, but I don't think it applies to my situation. My family and friends don't get involved past just talking to me and my mum certainly has learnt that she is a sounding board and not a decision on my relationship. I truly just do need to talk to people I trust and who know me well. It's how I've always dealt.

 

And I think that's what's hard is that's gone when I'm up here and I'm having to rely on my partner more than I ever have had to and that's where the problem lies is he's not used to having to be my number one go to and isn't handling it.

[Snny]

I appreciate your perspective Snny, but I don't think it applies to my situation. My family and friends don't get involved past just talking to me and my mum certainly has learnt that she is a sounding board and not a decision on my relationship. I truly just do need to talk to people I trust and who know me well. It's how I've always dealt.

That is really good to know. In the past I've had friends trying to get involved and it just makes it worse.

 

So what does your fiancé think about you talking about your relationship problems to other people? Does he know? Does he care? Personally I would be peeved that my partner couldn't talk to me first. It would feel like he was keeping secrets from me or he doesn't trust me. I wouldn't want him doing that to me if we were married.

 

I also feel like I am contradicting my original response (plus it's really late for me and I don't have enough brain power atm). Since you guys are living away from home and are dealing with a lot of stress, I recommend seeking counseling to work this issue out. I normally don't recommend couple's counseling before marriage, but this situation is... Unique. Would he be ok with that?

[1a1a]

Please explain to me, without getting huffy, how my advice is advocating any form of abuse? I would love to know. Not to 1-Up you or anything, but I have been in an physically abusive relationship before. Based on the given information, her fiancé has not show any signs of an abuser. Chill out.

 

It isn't that he shows signs of, or could be, it's that a dynamic where couple become totally insular is typical of abusive relationships. I can absolutely see where you are coming from about, at some point, Needing to include the fiance in the discussion, and should have said that with my first post. You angle is not without merit. But for me anyway, talking to the person who is the source of the problem, is not always the best way to figure out how to fix the problem. In the ops position, I would Definitely talk to friends/family first and in that process realise what the problem is and the best way to articulate it to my partner. For me, a partner who didn't want to me to talk to other people about my problems because I should be talking to them first would be a massive red flag with alarm bells going off. For one thing, other people provide a barometre of what's ok when you have lost perspective.

 

Applied to the op's case, her husband, caught up in his own stressors, might be completely unable to see her point about also struggling to make a life for herself in new town and feeling unsupported him in the specific way that she would like to be supported (presumably he financially supports them both and that's grand, but if it's not meeting her emotional needs, then there is room and need for improvement). Op will voice her concerns, husband will perhaps reply out of anger or defensiveness that she is being unreasonable and her perception of what is ok to want runs the risk of being skewed by the situation till she's squashing up her needs and hiding them away just to keep the relationship working. Getting an outside perspective, op has the opportunity to hear another opinion that validates that a need of hers isn't being met.

 

I was reprimanded by enotalone for my original post and need to work on my internet manner. Please accept my apologies if you felt that directed at you the person, definitely not, just the idea. And all your other ideas are great, just that one seemed not good.