bugatti Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I have few bad features - I can't get angry. I always put other people first. Somebody can hurt me like nobody before and I will always take care about their feelings ignoring mine. I have been dumped 4 months ago by my ex gf from 4.5 year relationship. She wanted to stay friends with me, but I rejected her friendship. She cried and told me she doesn't want to loose me as person. I told her she can contact me only if she changes her mind and when she wants to get back together. When we talked about breakup, I told her "I don't want to ever see you again if you break up with me." and she replied "It's extortion. I don't want to loose you as a person. If you don't want to see me I will be nothing for you and you will not care about me?". We broke up and then I started with begging, love confessions, etc... I told her what she is for me multiple times after breakup so I showed her that she is very valuable for me. We're in NC for month and I'm constantly thinking about one thought this week. I don't want her to think that I don't care (because of NC) about her or something bad. I still care about her and I admire her. We broke up in good terms and I accepted this situation... So my question is - why do I still care about her feelings? She dumped me, I was heartbroken and now I wonder about her feelings? Link to comment
Dcgent Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 you are still dependent on her to develop your feelings. You need to worry more about yourself. Dependence will breed self-respect and you won't want to put up with such immature behavior in the future. Link to comment
bugatti Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 I'm not obsessed by her anymore. But yes, it looks like I'm still reaching (dependent) to her in my mind to have some kind of "confirmation" of my thoughts and feelings. All I want is to have peace in my mind... And I don't want her to hate me - it probably doesn't matter because we're not couple anymore. But in fact, it does matter for me - it's just mess in my head. Link to comment
James2014 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I would say that you care about her feelings because you care about her. period. There's nothing wrong with caring about your exes feelings. I certainly don't want my ex - even 5 years after the fact - to be in a rough patch or have strife come her way. However...."I told her she can contact me only if she changes her mind and when she wants to get back together" - That is needy extortion and likely this sort of behaviour from you drove her away in the first place. This will come accross as harsh - you need a pair of balls, and with that pair of balls you need to stand confident and strong in yourself, being mindful of your own personal well being. You said you can't get angry - I'll bet you 10-1 you already are and either are unwilling or unable to process it right now. BE angry man, don't keep stuff like that in. Being angry is a good thing as long as the outcome doesn't negatively affect you or others. Let it propel you to grow! You said "Somebody can hurt me like nobody before and I will always take care about their feelings ignoring mine" - When you were a kid did you want to be an astronaut or a martyr when you grew up? There is only one person who is ever guaranteed to be with you the rest of your life, and dude that is YOU!!!!! That person needs to be taken care of, that person needs to be able to walk on his own two legs before he can run with someone else alongside. When you have your own vision, your own path and your own definitions, only then can you coalesce with another to grow and support each other along each others paths. What you are doing now - ignoring your feelings, putting others first even when it violates your own emotional boundaries, not taking care of yourself first in lieu of others, begging, extorting..... is slapping yourself in the face and branding yourself as weak and should you continue it you will find yourself on the receiving end of another breakup. See in the beginning you are pretty awesome, you are nice, caring selfless etc but over time, your partner realises that you don't actually have a spine, and nobody wants a weak boy as a partner. This is not to say it's time to be a jerk Alpha male to your future dates, not at all, your partner deserves your kindness, compassion and gentleness. what I'm saying is in a relationship it takes two and BOTH of those people matter equally. If one is not healthy (that's you) the relationship can't operate at 50% capacity. So make sure that you are living your life as you see fit. I say this to you as someone who has been that weak boy, good luck man! Link to comment
bugatti Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 James, thank you very much for your words! I completely agree with everything you said. However I'm not sure if I understand that part with extortion. When I said that she can contact my only if she changes her mind - this was extortion? I don't think so. I just don't want to settle for less then I want. And I don't want to be a friend with her, I want her as my girlfriend. And when I set this boundary (for myself, to heal and process everything) it's extortion? I'm confused Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 It isn't extortion...she called it that because she thinks you can be in your life as a friend. It is a naive belief. And the other poster...wasn't correct. You have set that boundary...and it is IP to you to enforce it. Link to comment
No1 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 In my view you want approval. You care what she thinks about you. I think you played it correct, she was being selfish in saying "I dont want to loose you" well, thats how things have to be. I have to give you kudos for doing that, lots of people wouldnt of done that. You two dated for 4.5years, she knows you care. She was upset that you didnt give her what she wanted. Once the dust settles she will realize why you did what you did. Hold your head up.. Link to comment
James2014 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 James, thank you very much for your words! I completely agree with everything you said. However I'm not sure if I understand that part with extortion. When I said that she can contact my only if she changes her mind - this was extortion? I don't think so. I just don't want to settle for less then I want. And I don't want to be a friend with her, I want her as my girlfriend. And when I set this boundary (for myself, to heal and process everything) it's extortion? I'm confused That makes sense, I viewed it as an ultimatum and not a boundary. My bad, man. I agree with you and the other poster about it being a boundary Link to comment
James2014 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Your posting really spoke to me because I saw past pieces of myself in there. I have definitely quite happily uttered the words "I don't really get mad" and used to think it was a good thing. I've placed a lot of my self worth in the opinions of my significant others etc etc. It can be a hard journey to change yourself from it too. I'm happy to say balls and backbone are operating at 87.9% right now as I still have some learning and some self direction to fulfil. Good luck to you sir! Link to comment
Arandomvegetab Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I agree and disagree with the above. Simply, you still care. You are not fully processing the emotions of yourself. But you are doing it more then her most likely. When a person processes the emotion of a breakup or loss, they feel sad, alone, and regret. It's why people say that their ex comes back after the blue wanting them for no apparent reason screaming about their mistakes and such. They just started processing the emotions and feel the wave of what you feel now, just compounded with probably new stressors. So look at this more as a positive thing. You still care and wonder how she is. You are processing a little bit at a time. Just imagine she is doing great and that she wants the same for you. It helps, because you will feel her approval to process more emotions as you are able. Link to comment
bugatti Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 Thanks for your responses! I think you played it correct, she was being selfish in saying "I dont want to loose you" well, thats how things have to be. I don't know why, but this made me smile. Yeah... she was very selfish. When I told we can't be friends because I'm in love with her and I asked her if she has some other solution for this... She said "It will be like I want it to be." So I hope you're correct with that I played it fine... There is simply no other option even if it is really sad how we drifted away after breakup. One day is everything okay and then... I've placed a lot of my self worth in the opinions of my significant others etc etc. It can be a hard journey to change yourself from it too. I can get angry (but not on people, mostly on things), I can get mad (but just for few hours, and then I forgive everything). Most of time when somebody hurt me, I'm just sad and not mad. And of course... I can't argue with somebody - every time I just tell my story and I don't want to argue at all. And as you said, I really care about other people opinions - but I care only about very few close persons and I care about their opinions even if I know they hurt me in past. But I'm independent in my life - business, living, ideas, dreams... So I'm not sure why I need to share my success an thoughts with somebody. I agree and disagree with the above. Simply, you still care. You are not fully processing the emotions of yourself. But you are doing it more then her most likely. When a person processes the emotion of a breakup or loss, they feel sad, alone, and regret. It's why people say that their ex comes back after the blue wanting them for no apparent reason screaming about their mistakes and such. They just started processing the emotions and feel the wave of what you feel now, just compounded with probably new stressors. So look at this more as a positive thing. You still care and wonder how she is. You are processing a little bit at a time. Just imagine she is doing great and that she wants the same for you. It helps, because you will feel her approval to process more emotions as you are able. When we broke up, she imidiately started to enjoy her life and I was really crushed. She told me or wrote me about some things (what she did or want to do in her single life) which I later found out that these things were just lies and her whole life enjoying is misserable. I have this info from mutual friends... Well, maybe grass was not greener, but it is her life now. Anyway I went through what you said - I felt sad, alone, regret. But now 4 months post BU and 1 month of NC I started to really enjoy my life and I see what I lost be beeing in relatioship with her. Of course I'm not over her, but I see very bright light at the end of tunnel! Link to comment
kathy679 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 you are right not to have her in your life as only a friend. you have to look after yourself and put you first. Link to comment
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