Should I break no contact with ex-boyfriend? Feeling nostalgic and need advice!

[ConfusedInCA]

I've been struggling with my feelings this week regarding my ex and our breakup. I've been strong thus far in not contacting him, but recently have been missing him (or maybe just the relationship).

Long story short, we were introduced through mutual friends and dated two months and he broke up with me New Year's Day. Prior to the breakup we'd gotten along well, met each other's friends and family members, and traveled together. Things quickly went downhill after we were in a car accident, which the mutual friends (a couple) helped us out with, and in my traumatized state forgot to thank them for their help. On New Year's Eve we went to the couple's home, and due to the accident and having poor appetite and upset stomach, I got sick on their bathroom floor after drinking. I meant to clean up but ended up blacking out and going to sleep. Needless to say, no one was happy with me the next morning (myself included). We quickly left in his car and I apologized to him and asked if his friends were upset. He said "no" but when he dropped me off finally informed me that he and they were upset that I did not thank the friends for their help. I told him I owed them all an apology and sent an email to the couple, to which they never responded.

 

Hours after the breakup, he then began leading me on via text for the next two weeks and made it seem as though he wanted to reconcile. We ended up meeting at his place to discuss the issues and apologized to each other, and did not discuss our relationship status directly. I felt that would happen in another conversation and wanted to take things slow. Plus, his signals to me showed that he wanted to continue (mentioning future activities together, celebrating my upcoming birthday, and sending flirty text messages). Four days after we had our talk, he sent me two breakup texts saying, "I like you, but I don't think we're right for each other," followed several minutes later by, "I do care for you, and its a tough choice but I don't think we ate [sic] compatible long term." I was floored that he sent them to me in the middle of the workday and choose such a cowardly manner to break up, especially when I told him I didn't appreciate that occurring to me in the past and when we had just spoken face to face! I didn't respond and an hour later I received a third text saying, "I sent email. Sorry." When I got back to my desk I read the email, in which he stated he was upset to find out that I'd told a best friend that we'd gotten back together (not true), he rehashed an issue we'd talked over during our meeting and I thought had been resolved, and finally proceeded to insult my character but then insisted he cared for me deeply and that he's there for me if ever I needed. So confusing and hurtful! The email seemed all over the place.

 

Later after talking to the best friend, whom I'd only told that he and I met up and talked, I found out that she had talked with her female coworker (who is good friends with my ex and helped introduce us) and the coworker twisted her words and then told my ex I was telling people we were back together. I had already known this girl did not like me, as the major issues we discussed involved her, but I couldn't believe she would be that immature and that he would adhere to her opinion. Through my best friend, I also found out that my ex shared personal information of mine with the female friend who then shared with my best friend (and it got back to me). I found it hypocritical of my ex and his female friend to be judging my "character differences" when they clearly demonstrated a lack of integrity.

 

At first I wanted to write back to defend myself, but then I realized I wouldn't even know where to start and didn't want to bother with someone who would mistreat me so. I felt empowered making the decision to not respond to him and control my reaction. Five days later I received another text from him, which was just a youtube link to a music video from a band I like (but didn't care for the particular song). I found it very strange, and took it as him "fishing" and not genuine communication, so again I chose not to respond. My birthday was four days later and all week I was wondering how to respond if he were to wish me happy birthday. On my birthday I logged onto Facebook and noticed he'd deleted me as a friend on my birthday (I knew we were still friends the night before) and I heard nothing from him. I though that was a very hurtful thing to do and have maintained no contact.

At first, I felt it was easy to move on in light of his actions. But recently I've started to miss him/the relationship. And I've wondered if his actions may have been justified from his perspective and my unresponsiveness. I know its wise to continue to move on and heal, so why do I have this feeling of wanting to reach out? I don't even know what it is I'd want to say to him. Please help me understand what is going on…did I do the right thing?

[Lone She Wolf]

I think you should definitely maintain no contact. I know everything is screaming at you to reach out, but you should be strong and know that if you do reach out in the state that you're in, it's not really you reaching out...it's your panic and fear and feelings of hurt. The real you is strong and as you said knows that you need to continue to move on and heal.

 

No one knows what's going to happen in the future...right now, you are in a position of having taken the high road by apologizing and not playing into the immaturity of "he said/she said" games that the coworkers have been playing. In the end he will realize that you're a mature and strong individual who makes mistakes just like anyone else, but has the integrity to apologize and not play games.

 

Stay strong and focus your attention on what you can learn from this situation that you can take into the future. This is making you a better and wiser person already. Listen to uplifting music, allow yourself to cry if you have to, but don't judge yourself. Just keep focused and stay strong.

[ConfusedInCA]

Thank you so much for your reply! I have continued to maintain no contact and feel proud of myself. This week has gotten easier than last. You're right. I take comfort in knowing I've kept my integrity although I was accused of possessing none by them. Perhaps it was a lesson in learning not to doubt myself and to cut ties with toxic people. In the past I probably would have responded to his hurtful email or after time passed, attempted to clear the air in hopes of friendship. Looking back, I can definitely see there were red flags. I have since begun online dating and so far have had three wonderful dates and meeting a fourth guy tomorrow. I hope time will continue to heal me and meanwhile I am enjoying new experiences.