Are these commitment issues able to be worked past or not?

[misssmithviii]

Let me start off by saying I'm putting this in relationship commitment because I think that's where it belongs. I'm having difficulty reconciling staying with my bf over almost 2 years, over what some friends call a "phase" and other friends call "signs it's ending".

 

SEE BOTTOM FOR TL;DR

 

 

When my bf and I started out, he was very much attractive to me despite how different he was from all the guys I've dated before. I've always gone for the type of man who really challenges me, whom I have something huge in common with (with bf 1 it was the military, bf 2 it was drugs, and bf 3 it was working on/racing cars) and kind of keep me on my toes. The problem is, with those guys, it always ended badly. And I figured I was searching for things that excite me more so than things that mesh well with me.

So my bf, Chris, he's laid back, sexy, funny and crazy sweet and kind-hearted. He inadvertently made me feel like absolute dirt in the beginning, and I ended up leaving him for it. When we got back together about a month later, things went slowly again and then he left me seemingly out of nowhere. His reasons were because he was stressed and felt like he couldn't handle the stress of work, knowing I have a daughter and he'll someday want to provide for us and yet having a dead-end job with no aspirations beyond it.

 

We resumed a relationship merely 7 days after he left me and we've gone strong ever since. We go on trips, we see each other almost every night and we are always playing around. I think what really gets me about him is we just work - we work so well together. We see eye to eye on nearly everything (except his mom's "signature" taco salad that she makes with Catalina dressing... *hurl* haha) and we have never once spoken out in anger to hurt the other, regardless of how frustrated we might be - THIS is HUGELY important to me - we truly respect and admire each other.

 

Commitment:

 

Now, with him getting his own apartment in a month (after living with his parents for the past 2 years after living on his own in college) and him being so excited about all the time I can spend there with him, I'm finding myself getting somewhat... freaked out.

 

I haven't lived with anyone since my ex Steven who raised my daughter with me since infancy and bounced out of our lives to pursue younger, party-loving women 4.5 years later, and I guess the thought is scaring me. I won't be actually moving in with him, but he's very excited about me decorating and he talks about how he thinks it'll be cute to have me study there sometimes and sleep with him there etc etc

When I see him and my daughter playing together, I get overwhelmed with a dichotomy of feelings: happiness and fear.

 

I know I have some deep seeded issues, tons of "daddy problems" I work on and a whole mess of abandonment issues. So why am I so scared at the idea of us actually getting more serious when this is what I thought I wanted all along with him?

 

This all just screams commitment issues to me and I'm trying to figure out how to get past them? I can tell he senses something's off about me lately, and I've been chalking it up to being stressed with school - which I completely am 100% - but it's obviously not the only reason.

 

 

 

Dissatisfaction:

 

Now I can't tell if I'm actually dissatisfied with him, or if these are commitment issues rearing their heads as cop-outs. I'm finding myself restless with him, I'm becoming slightly less patient with him, I'm getting frustrated that he doesn't share my passions (physics and math) and I find it annoying to talk about school because I'm starting to think "oh he won't get it anyway" - which isn't a thought that ever used to cross my mind... this is among other, more dangerous things too like I'm finding myself very sexually and intellectually attracted to a fellow physicist-in-training at the university. I've known him for about half a year now, and I remember admiring him when I first met him - recognizing how physically appealing I thought he was but it stopped there. We became study buddies and frequently studied in groups together. Never once until a few weeks ago did I view him in any other light.

 

So what happened? I don't know. I guess as I started becoming annoying with Chris' lack of education in my field of study (which I assume is stemming from my commitment issues?) I started becoming stimulated and attracted by this other guy's intelligence. Whenever he'd help me solve a problem or vice versa and we'd rejoice in our hard work, I found myself excited in more than one way. I don't at ALL want to feel this way, but I'm trying to be as honest as possible and divulge everything that's going on.

 

My sex drive has lessened (which is crazy weird for me) and I find myself not so interested in having sex with Chris. A big part of that comes from how monotonous our sex has become to me (because we have to be super quiet at his parents' house, it's not "exciting" anymore) and how when I'd suggest we take to the car for now, he'd be less than willing. It's only recently that his sex has become boring to me... I think it's because when I tried to be seductive and foreplay with him, he just "took it". I think he thought he was being sexy, but it just annoyed me... and since then I'm super turned off.

 

 

In short... TL;DR I'm stressed with school... I'm struggling to find the time necessary to study. Chris works 8-5p M-F and expects to see me every day/night despite how busy I am with school (that I commute an hour to 3x/week) and a part-time job. I'm scared about psuedo-living with him because he's moving into his new apartment in March and expects me to be there all the time, complete with key - scared because of serious abandonment issues from my past etc. Now I've become attracted to my favorite study buddy because he stimulates me intellectually and we share the same field of study. I'm annoyed with things about Chris that I wasn't annoyed with before, although when I see him on lunch breaks or at night, I'm still all smiles and I remember why I'm with him.

 

I don't get it. I'm not interested in my study buddy like that, I can't figure out my own head. Some friends say it's a phase that I'll get over, and I need to be open with Chris since he's obviously sensing something's wrong. Other friends say that the relationship is over if I'm dissatisfied at all, and that relationships don't take work if they're meant to be so I'm wasting my time now.

 

Help? Thoughts? If I talk to Chris, what do I even say? "Hey babe, I'm annoyed with you now out of freaking nowhere"? That's not right...

I can keep my wits about me with my study buddy, a close friend of mine whom I trust said that I'm just substituting interests or whatnot so I'm not worried about that.

 

I want to resolve this, and I need some feedback and I feel like my friends aren't available enough right now to listen to it all.

 

Thank you...

[SophieGrace]

It sounds like you've thought this through really well. Not only are you incredibly bright, but you sound very honest with yourself and emotionally in touch with potential issues for you that might be coming forward.

 

I am going to suggest something a bit unorthodox for this site where advice is given so freely because I believe each of us ultimately has all the answers we need inside. If I were your friend and I told you that story, what advice would you give to me?

 

I think if it were me, I'd be inclined to take a step back. Sounds like you are on a fast-moving train without much time to breathe, and it might help to suggest a break so you can gather your thoughts and feelings and sort out what's important to you at this point in your life.

 

Best of luck to you and hope you'll post how you're faring.

[misssmithviii]

I thank you for your response, and your kind words.

 

I feel like I definitely need to take a step back and calm things down. My bf and I have been together nearly 2 years but it doesn't change the fact that I have a hesitation to move forward. It's weird because I love him and I feel like I want to, but I can't let go of the underlying fear I have that stems from my past.

 

I need to discuss this with Chris but I don't know what to say or how to even say it.

 

I also think I need to really stay away from my study buddy for awhile ...

 

 

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[catfeeder]

I would hold off on discussing this with BF until you have more clarity about your goal in doing that. I would just explain to him that it's a pressure-cooker time with school, and you need to see less of him to invest that time in pulling off decent grades this semester.

 

That gives you the breathing room, and I'd start seeing the campus mental health counselor, which your tuition already covers.

 

From there you can identify where you stand now and where you'll want to stand with BF.

 

Discussing your confusion with him makes no sense because it doesn't raise an issue that he can DO anything about--except feel lousy. Unless you can negotiate something you want from him in exchange for giving him something in return, just dumping a big abstraction of discomfort on him doesn't serve either of you.

 

With the help of your campus therapist you can work out what you want and what you need to do to get it. BF is not a therapist, and it's not fair or reasonable to position him as one. Work that out on your own, and then you'll have something tangible and productive to discuss with BF.

 

Head high.

[wlh22]

If he cares about you, he must understand that you have school needs (or other needs at other stages of life). So you should be able to reduce the time you spend (still having a committed relationship) and get some clarity in your head, while focusing on studies. Hope you sort it out and all works out for the best.

[misssmithviii]

So we're on a time out right now... As in not broken up, committed to each other but not seeing each other for awhile.

 

I really need time to think about where to go from here. He's handling it well enough, but I know he really misses me and is having trouble understanding why this is all happening or rather why it needs to happen.

 

 

I've never done a "break" before because I've always been against them for some reason.

 

How long should breaks be? What's good protocol on the lines of communication and frequency of it during this time?

 

Any ideas? Thanks

 

 

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[Batya33]

I think at least a month or two as long as neither of you will see other people (if you are going to then just break up). Contact only if emergency or maybe something like once every 2 weeks for 2 minutes to check in. Make it a time to see if you miss each other and how life is without each other.