AshleyM279 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I was feeling a lot more positive about my situation, until recently, when I stopped lieing to myself. My ex and I broke up because I wasn't able to be the girlfriend he needed. Basically, he left me. He had a hard time with the split at first, understandably, but there was a girl there able to give him a shoulder to cry on and advice that helped him move forward. I knew this girl, and now they're together. For a long time I'd convinced myself he was only rebounding and she wasn't that special, but I've since realized how good they are together. What a kind soul she really has, how much more talented, beautiful, together and more connected she is than I am. I can't help but compare and I know "comparison is the thief of joy" "he's irrelevant to you now" but I still feel so much love for this person. I wanted to make him happy, I wanted to be able to give everything that she's able to but I suffer from depression and I couldn't. He's currently in Australia, picking fruit and learning so much spiritually and mentally, I can see the ways he's grown. She's in Nepal, teaching English to kids, and they plan on meeting up in China very soon. I know all of these things because he told me, I made the mistake of trying to be friends when I wasn't ready. He looks so much better, he's in a much better place and I truly believe they could be soulmates. While I'm back in Ontario, not working and feeling like a bit of a burden to the ones around me. How can I not be happy for him? At the same time, how do I deal with this pain? And the crippling feeling that I'm not good enough. The way he speaks to me now is robotic, there are no residual feelings left on his end and that kills me. To have your best friend become a stranger in such a short period of time is hard, but to see them in the arms of someone else, someone you feel is making them happier than you did, it's such a painful thing to experience. I feel selfish, but I can't help it. Link to comment
Bunney Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 How would you know that she is all of the things you described? That they could be soulmates? I think that's very far-fetched, you dont really know anything about their relationship except from what he tells you and what you see on social media. Things are not always like they seem. Absolutely pointless to be jealous/envious of someone when you dont REALLY know what's going on behind the facades, and how bad their flaws really could be. They're still in the honeymoon stage, but once that wears off even they won't have that perfect relationship anymore. Please do yourself a favor and delete him! Link to comment
jimthzz Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Cut yourself some slack. It's not a competition. It just sounds like the two of you were not suited, ultimately, for each other. Dust yourself off and re-enter the dating world and move on. I would recommend not getting updates from him or about him. Link to comment
mbee Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Okay I'm going to be honest with you. First of all, like the prior poster said, how do you know she is all these things? And even if she is, who cares? Here are the facts about life. There are a ton of amazing, wonderful, and kind souls in the world. Reading this post, it sounds like you are one of those people. Congrats! That's a great thing. Yes, you suffer from depression but everyone has personal issues they are dealing with. Nobody is born perfect, without problems. People, on the surface, seem a certain way but we all are battling our own personal demons. A lot of people I know think I'm a really kind and loving person, which I like to believe is true. However this doesn't change the fact that I suffer from insecurities, a fear of abandonment and all sorts of other stuff. That's life. This isn't a competition. You sound like a wonderful girl and for you to be aware of your depression and hopefully taking steps to improve it, sounds like a great catch for the right person who comes along. So yes, maybe this girl is great. But again, who cares? There are a lot of great people in the world... it doesn't mean that person is soulmates with your ex or anything. Secondly, I feel bad for that girl. You don't know the issues in their relationship or why your ex has suddenly went robotic on you. Most rebounds have to deal with baggage from the past relationship. This has always been true when I unintentionally rebounded with a guy. I've also been on the receiving end of this, even with a guy I felt I was "soulmates" with, there was always some form of baggage. IF she's such an amazing person, she now has to deal with a whole lot of baggage from this other guy. Also a relationship build off of someone giving them advice and helping them heal may sound good to you on paper, but to me, it sounds like a bad foundation for a relationship. Ideally two people should get in a relationship when they are both healed. Starting from a foundation of not being over your past ex, just creates a co-dependency type situation and if this girl is so great, I feel bad for her since it's probably already affecting their relationship. And honestly, this is how it goes the majority of times. Stop contacting him. I did what you did with my ex. For the record, he's now engaged to that girl BUT I'm very confident they are not happy nor do I care. Again, the honeymoon stage only lasts for so long and from mutual friends they are having a whole lot of issues relating to trust, insecurities and him not being over his past. I don't like to wish people anything bad and for your sake, you need to move on and heal so you can focus on your own life, your next chapter, your depression and await all the beautiful things happening in your life. Your ex is now an ex, someone in your past. Let him go and let him make the decisions he wants to make. You ARE an amazing woman who seems very selfless and kind. Someone will see that and be very happy with you. You'll be even happier when you sort out your issues with your depression. Again, none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes in relationships. We are all on a journey of self-improvement. Focus on how you can heal yourself and everything else will be in the background (like it should be). Link to comment
AshleyM279 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 You are so incredibly kind, thank you for that. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 C'mon. You are pining about a guy picking fruit in Australia? Who is expressing his love for someone else? Surely there must be someone better close by. Link to comment
janut1 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I agree with mbee completely. Its true, you never really know what is going on in a relationship unless you are in it. My X went from his wife or 14 years, don't know if they are divorced yet, to me 2 months after he separated from her. He told me it had been a year, but then confessed to it being 2 months. He started dating this new gal while still dating me, granted things were a bit strained, but still we had not officially broken up yet. He is a rebound master! I am not convince she is the last one for him either, but knowing him, he probably already asked her to marry him and he probably already lives with her because thats how he operates. He moves REALLY fast! I'm happy that I did not stay with him and glad he is with someone else. Its all good. You will feel that way someday too. Since my BU, I have met some interesting men and feel like even at my age, there is someone better out there for me. Hang in there! Link to comment
dearestginger Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I feel for you, girl. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. I've been there, too. My first boyfriend always wanted me to be someone else, and I tried really hard to be the one he wanted me to be for 2 years in our relationship. However, I couldn't change who I was and eventually got depressed, and my ex couldn't be with me because it made him unhappy. He broke up with me via text, and I cried and begged but he said he didn't want to see me. After 2 weeks he agreed to meet me in person to officially break up with me. He said all the lines like 'it wasn't you it was me', 'I am not ready for a relationship', 'won't see any other girls for a long time' and etc., and I believed that all. Later, one of his good friends had to tell me that he started dating a girl he used to play music with right after we broke up. I was still Facebook friends with him so I could see on newsfeed what he was doing with her until one day he defriended me on Facebook. They seemed perfect to each other - they both play music, they share a lot of mutual friends, and so on. She was the one he wanted me to be but I couldn't be. That hurt me deeply and I felt betrayed by him even, but finally I realized now he has nothing to do with me and I am happy with that. It's been a little over a year and they are still together. I don't talk to him at all and he sometimes emails me asking me what I am up to, but I know it is just him wanting to ease his guilt, but now he is just a total stranger to me. You should cut all contacts with him first. You do this so that you can have time and space to heal yourself, not for him to realize how important you are in his life. Please stop letting him to hurt you. No one knows all the stuff he has been telling is true or not, but hearing how good he is doing with his new girlfriend is not going to do any good to you. Also, believe that there is no such a thing as a soulmate. There might be a better partner, but no one is meant to be. And you will find someone better for you. It didn't work out with you and your ex, but it doesn't mean that you are not good enough. Also the fact that he has someone to date and you don't right now doesn't make him a better person either. You sound very sincere and genuine and I am so sorry you have to go through this. I don't think he is a very good guy though. If he truly cared for you even after the breakup, he wouldn't talked about how good his new relationship is and how amazing his new girlfriend is to you. You should put yourself first, no one else, but yourself. Link to comment
AshleyM279 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 That was so helpful. Empathy is such an important thing and you've been though such a similar situation, it was really nice to read. I'm glad you've found your own self worth and have moved forward. You sound like an equally genuine person. Thank you Link to comment
dearestginger Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Let me know if you need anyone to talk to ... Stay strong and believe in you. You WILL move on and find yourself in a better place soon Link to comment
AshleyM279 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Anytime I find I'm about to work myself up over this, I come and read your posts and instantly feel more rational. So just a real thank you to all enotalone users out there, this really is helpful. Link to comment
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