Ex has suggested dating.

[puggles]

Hi,

I'm hoping someone here can give me their opinions on my situation. I will try and keep it as short as possible...(famous last words)

 

My ex and I were together almost 5 years when he broke up with me. We have known each other for almost 10 years, for the first few years he had an almost unhealthy obsession with me, I had come out of a long (bad) relationship so we were never anymore than friends.

 

He was in the military and when he was home on R&R from Afghan we ended up having a kiss and cuddle (no sex). He went back to complete his tour and we kept in contact and over the next few months our relationship flourished. He came back safely and we started a relationship. At first it was seeing him weekends and leave time permitting for the first year or so. He was able to get stationed nearer to me and we saw each other more often- the relationship was good.

 

He finally got out of the army and came to live with me and my two children. Over the course of the next couple of years the relationship did get into a bit of a rut and boring routine. He got lazy and was very unhelpful in the home and I went through some medical issues that affected my sex drive (it disappeared), he took the sex thing very personally despite me trying to reassure him otherwise. And being totally honest our relationship was terrible. I was cold as I found it easier to be defensive rather than trying to explain issues I didn't understand (my sex issues) and we just got into a terrible cycle. We never really argued. Just neither of us seemed truly happy. But I never stopped loving him.

 

Anyway, one day almost 2 months ago I woke up and he told me he was leaving, our relationship wasn't how he wanted it to be. His family live almost 5 hours away and he had to call his mum to say he'd be going home. He had just started a new job so called them telling them he would have to leave and they offered him a position where his parents lived. He was gone within 2 days.

 

The day before he left we spoke at length, I told him I still loved him and he admitted he felt the same. He said getting the job offer sped things up and said had they just accepted his resignation we might have spoke things through. We left on good terms and with a view to seeing how things go.

 

I found the next few weeks extremely difficult and all the advice of 'what not to do' was the opposite of what I did, I was emotional, hurt and went from angry to down right broken hearted and we had some difficult conversations.

 

I totally owned up to my faults and apologised. It wasn't an easy time to sit and look in the mirror and admit I wasn't someone I'd want to live with!! I also went to the DR and discussed my issues with sex and got some help with that.

 

We have been in contact the whole time, and a couple of times he said he'd like to try dating- us spending time together alone (we rarely did) and going out and doing things. I agreed. He has admitted he is confused. He is enjoying being back home where he's from as he hasn't been back there in 12 years and he's enjoying being back around his family...but he also misses me and my kids.

 

He was on a course for work and had to pass by my area on the way and said he could collect a few things he had to leave behind.

 

He came for a few hours on the Friday and my heart skipped a beat, it might have been the wrong thing to do but we had sex. We were both emotional but said nothing. He had to leave a few hours later to go on the course for work but he drove back the next day and we went out with a group of friends for a birthday, he stayed at mine and we had sex again. We spoke about the irony of things falling into place now we're broken up, he said he knew he had to leave for our relationship to be different, he left the next morning to go back on the course and came back that evening and spent the night and left on the Monday morning to drive back the 6 hrs home.

 

We have spoken every day since and had arranged for him to come two weeks later for the weekend, something came up with his work and he said he was sorry he had to cancel. We were both disappointed but I understood.

He then surprised me the next night by saying he had looked into trains and could come for 24 hours, I questioned it would be a long way to come (and expensive) for such a short time but he said he wouldn't be able to see me if he didn't for at least 3 weeks. So he came and we had a lovely day/night.

 

I got a bit emotional and asked what we were doing, what did this 'dating' thing consist of. He said he misses me and wants to spend time with me, he has no interest in anyone else (I believe him 100% trust has never been an issue) and that at the moment he just wants to enjoy spending time with me and see how things go. He pointed out its not as if we live close and if he didn't care he wouldn't make the effort to come and see me. We have made future plans for dates (concerts etc) he just can't commit to moving back as it would mean leaving his job. He just wants to take things easy.

 

Am I being a fool?

Would someone really make that kind of journey on a regular basis just for fun?

I am just struggling redefining the relationship as I am so used to being with him all of the time.

 

Thanks for reading, if you still are

[Cadence44]

I'd be cautious. Most successful reconciliations where they take it slow and are dating have two things in common: the person who was broken up with is the one dictating the pace (since the dumper wants to make that person comfortable), and they are not having sex.

 

What you are calling "dating" sounds more like "relationship-light" to me. When he's there, it's like you're back together. It's full on and he gets physical release. All the benefits and none of the commitment. It's also at his leisure. He gets to choose when to see you, when to play house, and when to go home. Everything is on his terms.

 

So I would back off of this. If he wants to date, then you need to act more like a couple just getting to know one another. Sex and sleepovers should be off the table.

 

If he objects to dialing things back, then tell him you're sorry but you doubt the sincerity of his efforts since everything seems to be on his terms and find the courage to say goodbye. If he's not willing to let go of some of the power he currently holds, he's not ready for a real reconciliation. He won't be ready until he approaches you and wants you to be in control of the reconnection, which acknowledges there wouldn't be a need for reconnection had he not chosen to end the relationship, and that he as the dumper needs to make amends and prioritize your comfort with the reconnection.

[Dcgent]

dating happens at the beginning of a relationship. Dating is about getting to know the other person without any firm commitments. A relationship is when you are fully involved with the person and you have had plenty of time to get to know someone. I think right now, you are not truly dating, rather you are back in a relationship with this guy, although there are no commitments. I think you need to establish with him what you truly want and that there is no other way. You need to be firm in stating what you want and if he can't provide, or the relationship is not strong enough to stand, you need to move on. The last thing you need to do is let years go by in a stalemate. There are so many other out in this world that can provide the type of relationship you desire...or lets say...the "respect" you desire. There is no need to be in a topsy-turvy relationship with someone that just wants to have you in their life...but can't commit to what you want out of life. Things will work out for you, one way or the other, but you need to be in control of your future. Good Luck.

[puggles]

Thank you both for your replies, both make total sense and I know exactly what you mean. I'm actually in a better place right now and can feel myself growing stronger every day despite spending the last couple of months like a love struck teen. You're right Dcgent, things will sort themselves out on way or another. I think for me, a big part of it is that I am mindful of the fact that the relationship for the most part did breakdown due to me (family members have since said I was out of line a lot of the time - not that I am taking total blame here) and that the relationship moved quicker than it ideally would have due to circumstances regarding him leaving the Army and he had to move in as he had no family nearby.

 

I actually like the idea of us seeing each other and doing things together, we sort of slumped into the married life of an elderly couple pretty fast- him being away on the army base and back on weekends meant we were happy to just relax together at home the time we did have.

 

Cadence44, Thanks for your reply. I agree with what you're saying, I think the sex thing happened more because the lack of it had been such an issue for us in the relationship and I was shocked to actually feel normal again...not making excuses for it because you're right in the fact that I need to express my needs and if they don't match it's time to say goodbye.

[Pisces34]

I would also advise you to protect your heart. You've already been hurt by this man before and if it suited him he'd do it again.

 

Dating is very different than living together. I understand you wanting to try bc you love him. I've been in your shoes and for me it was a circle of the same issues.

 

I wish you the best.

[Brokenhart84]

I would be very careful being so available and having sex with him. He wants to see how things go but he's getting all the benefits... Guard your heart!

[puggles]

Thank you Pisces34 and brokenhart84, I am indeed protecting my heart and am feeling different every day. My friend has said she knows no one quite like me, I feel I need to give it this last shot but she knows as does he that once I make my mind up about something there is no going back. I need to give something 100% but I will know when to cut my losses and there will be no tears or confusion from me.

 

I do truly believe he will be the one who ends up regretting the break up, maybe this is just a process I need to go through.

 

Thanks again

[puggles]

Just an update (and get it off my chest post really)

 

After seeing my ex the other weekend we have been in contact every day but the contact was somewhat reserved, although we chatted all night every night I felt it wasn't normal and it felt strange. I told myself I would wait it out and see what he said, expecting and knowing he was having a change of heart about the 'dating' situation.

 

Anyway, last night I decided to have some self respect and instead of thinking I had the upper hand because I 'knew' he had changed his mind and I in some way was going to make it hard for him and make him tell me, I brought the subject up.

 

I asked him if he had any thoughts on whether he still wanted to come and he said he still did, then asked if I had any thoughts about it. I said it wasn't going to work for me, that the uncertainty was for me, more of a sign of lack of feeling.

 

He said he understood what I was saying and that he felt bad that he couldn't give me a more definitive answer and that he wasn't or his intention wasn't to lead me on.

 

He said he hoped I was ok with being just friends and I said I wasn't. He said he cared for me deeply and didn't want to face to prospect of not having me in his life (we have known each other 10 years and were together almost 5), I have always been his confidante the one he would turn to for advice - which is why I always believed what he said, he never has been massively into going out and getting women and is very trustworthy.

 

I told him that I couldn't be friends with him right now, that hopefully one day I will be able to talk to him and not feel any sadness but that I wanted to be happy and I couldn't move on with him in the background.

He tried to offer the option of us meeting to talk as friends and I refused.

 

He said he wasn't saying we didn't have a chance in the future and I told him to stop. I told him if he misses me I can't be the one he messages to tell me so, and that he needs to find either someone else to confide in or just deal with it.

 

Right now I am feeling relieved but know when the feelings subside I'm going to start to feel sad again.

 

Just wanted to say thank you for your replies and have a bit of a rant, I'm sure I'll be spending a lot of time here in the next few weeks.