The No Contact Rule

[csdude55]

I'm hoping you guys can clarify this for me a little.

 

Assuming that we're talking about a relationship that ended amicably, but the dumpee definitely wants to get back together with the dumper. How, exactly, is the NC rule supposed to work?

 

As I understand it, the dumpee shouldn't contact the dumper for 1-2 months. I get that, because it can come accross as desperate. But what if the dumpee sees that something has changed in the dumper's life (post on FB or something)? Should the dumpee just wait in the hopes that the dumper breaks NC and reaches out? What if the dumper is nervous to do so, because they haven't spoken in awhile, or maybe because the dumper is by nature a little shy?

 

What if the dumper reaches out to the dumpee first... something as simple as a "hi, how are you" text? Should the dumpee write back, or not? Writing back seems to violate the NC rule, but how is the dumpee supposed to know whether the next text was going to be "I screwed up, let's talk"?

 

How long should the dumpee wait before reaching out to the dumper? Should it just never happen? Are there no circumstances, at all, where the dumpee should reach out to the dumper?

 

And finally, let's say that the dumper did reach out to the dumpee after, say, 3 weeks to say "high, how are you", but then disappeared again. How long should the dumpee wait now? A week (reaching the original 4-week goal), or does the clock start over since NC was broken?

[towardfuture]

This sounds like the guide for you: link removed

 

Can't tell you whether or not it's a good idea. But seems to fit the bill as far as answering some of the hypotheticals you pose

[Betteralready]

God almighty.

If said dumpee is hyper-analyzing every little move said dumper makes, dumpee is not over the breakup and therefore nowhere close to ready to start over with dumper.

There are at least a dozen approaches to "no contact," and most of them are mind games that might earn dumpees a temporary fix or reunion.

The only approach that seems to be a long-term solution is this: no contact until the dumpee has had enough time to grieve, take stock of the relationship, make necessary self-changes to prepare for a healthier relationship, and live life without obsessing over reconciliation or the dumper.

It doesn't really matter what the dumper says or does... Until the dumpee has a clear and healthy grip on himself and the situation.

I'm sure there are exceptions, but I don't know any!

[CraigHowes]

I'm not sure if your referring to yourself in your post but I'll advise as if you are.

 

Your mindset is set up for NC to be some sort of waiting game to contact your ex. That's not what it's meant for. It's so you have the space to accept the situation and start to move on.

 

If your still looking at their profile then your not doing No Contact your still getting information from her on her life and all it does is hold you back from healing.

 

The fact of the situation is for whatever reason your ex has decided to finish with you and there are hundreds of possible reasons as to why.

 

No texting your ex back, analysing facebook, contacting them after 30 days will work as they are just mind games. They may work but your ex will soon see right through them and nothing will of changed.

 

The only thing that can bring an ex back is them wanting to come back and to be serious about it. Depending on why you ended those issues need to of been resolved in your time apart.

 

Somethings in life are out of our control especially if they involve other human beings. It's up to you if you want to let it go and move on with your life or let your situation keep you down and out.

[csdude55]

This sounds like the guide for you: link removed

 

That's really pretty helpful (albeit long), thanks!

 

 

I'm not sure if your referring to yourself in your post but I'll advise as if you are.

 

Umm, yes and no. This is mostly for my own learning experience, although I'm applying my own experiences to the questions.

 

I've pretty much made up my mind on how to handle my situation (with Anna), though. If she starts working at my favorite restaurant again, I'll have no choice really but to see her in person, regularly, so I'll just be my normal, happy self and treat her like I did before we became romantically involved. It's not like we have any reason to be mad at one another.

 

From there, I'll let her take the lead; she dumped me, so if she wants me back it's up to her to fix the wrongs.

[AintEasy]

I'll just tell you this. I spent the first month of our break up I went crazy. I spent hours upon hours researching the internet and found all these guides. They all say the same damn things. Ignore them. It is as easy as this. If you two were deeply in love, and the break up wasn't based off infidelity and what not, then it is about right here:

 

- Go no contact for yourself. This is your time to heal, to learn to live without her, to find your own happiness and to change what needs to be changed.

- When you feel like you are back to yourself, screw the whole "never contact her until she does". I think it's such a joke to assume that is how it will always work. If you want to contact, contact. But play it cool, keep it casual.

- Go slow, and never jump the gun.

 

As you already know, that's ultimately my plan.

[Hoagy]

Healing can take months or even years depending. I would advise against trying to re-establish dialogue too soon. Be patient and play it cool. Otherwise you will come accross as desperate and insecure.

[mhowe]

I am confused. If the dumper leaves the dumpee, and I will even give you amicably, why would they want to get back together.

 

I get that the dumpee does. But the dumper has made a decision, and presumably is doing it in their own best interest. So what is the incentive to return to a relationship that they willingly left?

[Brokenhart84]

I think you are over-thinking it. You can avoid your favorite restaurant and I think you should regardless if the relationship didn't end on a bad note. You might look like you are stalking her or it might annoy her. She is not going to just start pursuing you by you going to the restaurant being nice to her. That will just solidify her reasons to not be with you. Give her space and time. Most of all, do it for yourself.

 

The only way there could be reconciliation is if the dumper contacts the dumpee. You can't convince someone to be with you.

[Brokenhart84]

To reach out to the dumper after 3 weeks to say "hi, how are you?" is pointless. You appear to her as though you are not moving on.

 

You probably need to reads more about what's in the dumpers mind right now....it's definitely not you.

 

Anytime I broke up with a guy. Last thing I wanted was to hear from them. They keep coming back and I want to be left alone. Recently one of exes text me last Saturday and said "hi, how are you?". My reply was "look, you need to stop contacting me. I'm not interested in being your friend, nor will I ever get back with you." I meant it!

[Lucha]

Good questions! What if a reasonable amount of time has passed and dumper reaches out first with so called how are you texts. How do you know if their sublying intention is to reconcile. If the breakup was really ugly and they are afraid of saying they messed up.?

 

 

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[csdude55]

I am confused. If the dumper leaves the dumpee, and I will even give you amicably, why would they want to get back together.

 

I get that the dumpee does. But the dumper has made a decision, and presumably is doing it in their own best interest. So what is the incentive to return to a relationship that they willingly left?

 

I really don't want to make this thread all about my relationship, but I can use mine as an example. She really didn't seem like she wanted to break up, but was being pressured by her family and church to return to an abusive relationship because of her children. She said things like "I really love you and want to be with you, but I'm afraid it's not going to work". And during the break up conversation, said "please forget everything I said, I love you so much". So this wasn't a clear "I don't want to be with you anymore".

 

My hope is that, once she realizes that he hasn't "changed", she'll come to her senses. He's already been fired from his job, and mutual friends talk about them fighting a lot, so I suspect that she'll have to come to her senses eventually.

 

This may be a topic for a different thread, though.

 

 

I think you are over-thinking it. You can avoid your favorite restaurant and I think you should regardless if the relationship didn't end on a bad note. You might look like you are stalking her or it might annoy her. She is not going to just start pursuing you by you going to the restaurant being nice to her. That will just solidify her reasons to not be with you. Give her space and time. Most of all, do it for yourself.

 

The only way there could be reconciliation is if the dumper contacts the dumpee. You can't convince someone to be with you.

 

There's a pretty big "what if" here.

 

The restaurant I'm talking about is where she and I met, and saw each other every day, for hours on end. She knows this is where I take business clients on a regular basis, and eat there at least 4 times a week. She left this job about a month before we broke up.

 

There are 200 restaurants in the area, so the unanswered question I have is... why would she apply for a job here again, when she knows she'll see me, unless she wants to see me?

 

 

To reach out to the dumper after 3 weeks to say "hi, how are you?" is pointless. You appear to her as though you are not moving on.

 

Sorry, I may have made that confusing. But she sent this message to me after 3 weeks, not the other way around.

[mhowe]

Sometimes the easiest answer is....because she worked there, they know her.

[Shane Falco]

Good questions! What if a reasonable amount of time has passed and dumper reaches out first with so called how are you texts. How do you know if their sublying intention is to reconcile. If the breakup was really ugly and they are afraid of saying they messed up.?

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Well, they weren't afraid to break your heart, so they can swallow their pride and tell you that they messed up if that's what they believe. If their intention is to reconcile, they'll make it known, especially if you don't chomp on their breadcrumb bait. The only reason for you to answer otherwise is if you truly couldn't care less. If you are still hoping for reconciliation, then you need to stay quiet until they come correct and put themselves out there. If they don't, then they weren't serious about reconciliation.

 

Either way, it's not the dumpee's job to do the dumper's work for them. The dumper broke it, it's up to them to do the vast majority of the legwork to fix it.

[csdude55]

Sometimes the easiest answer is....because she worked there, they know her.

 

Yup. It would be a thousand times easier if I could read her mind, you know? I think I'll start a different thread on this, though, so as to not derail this topic.

[Shane Falco]

Yup. It would be a thousand times easier if I could read her mind, you know? I think I'll start a different thread on this, though, so as to not derail this topic.

 

You'd be a thousand times better off if you didn't try to read people's minds. Nothing good comes from it.