micro Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I havent been here for a long period of time. Today I found out that my ex has been in a relationship for a year or year and a half. We live in a small town and I expexted this to be more transparent, but she somehow found way to keep this from me (intentionally or unintentionally). They spend lot of time together, but do not apear in the public. Relationship became serious and I could expect soon news of her getting married or pregnant. I am still single, and all this has got me back to the beginning of my healing process. Life really sucks. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 It will pass quicker than you think .... this is a bump in the road not a restart ,even though it feels like it now . It suddenly catapulted you back to the days when you where together ..and of course not knowing this has been going on willhave felt like a double whammy ... just have a good cry or a can of Fosters or something ...then pick yourself back up and on with your journey ....it will , as always ...pass Link to comment
sky09 Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Why does it still bother you? Have you had any formal/informal interactions (contact) these past 2 years? Link to comment
micro Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 I tried to reconcile durig 2013. She refused. We had one contact by phone since than that ended positively. Her relatives have contacted me few times since then, so i thought that she is behind that, but I didnt want to push anything. I kept the hope that one day we would reconcile. She is in her late thirties and has a strong desire to get marry and have kids, so I expected that she would finally realise that i am right for her. I wanted to marry her. All that time she was in a relationship. And the gay is not in any aspect better than me (education, success, money, attitude, even looks people say).... Link to comment
sky09 Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 You have to let hope escape out the window one day to be able to move on. It is holding you back and is partially responsible for you not connecting with anyone else. Link to comment
micro Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 I couldn`t sleep last night. This really struck me. Link to comment
No1 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Micro, this is why people say move on with life. You put your life on hold. Instead of two years of moving forward to something positive, you stopped. You hoped that your X would come find you in the exact state she left you in and things would be all beautiful again. Life moves on, she moved on with hers while you didnt. So this is a lesson learned. And you said this really struck you.. I wanted to ask why? Did you really think she would come back after 2 years and especially after going thru 2014 without hearing from her? Did you honestly think that you were the best guy she ever dated? You should of accepted back in 2013 that its over. But you know what, thats okay. This is a positive thing in many ways. You know its finally over, its done, she is not coming back. So now you begin to move forward in life. You learn from this lesson, learn that letting go is the best thing to do. Move forward, you are the only one that controls your happiness, so why not do the little things to make yourself happy Link to comment
micro Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 Thanks guys for the support! You are great like always. You show me the light every time when I fall down. Thank you for that. No1, you are 100% right. During this period of two years I really tried to detach emotionally from my ex and to move on. I did everything advised on this website. I was working on myself, implementing NC, doing introspection, working on mistakes I was making that caused relationship end. I even tried to date many times. Result is that I have improved myself in many aspects compared to version of me at the time of breakup, but I havent had success in dating. The more I improved myself unfortunately the less women found me attractive This always used to bring me back to the hope of my ex getting back. And I was convinced that it was only matter of tome when we would be together again. Now I feel fear that I have lost her for good and that I will stay alone till end of my life. I really I don't know where to start from now. As mentioned I already did everithing advised here.... Link to comment
aconfuseddude Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I'm going through a very fresh breakup, so I understand how you're feeling. I empathize. If I may offer my humble opinion, it sounds like you followed all of the good advice about working on yourself and dating. However, there's one thing you missed; you never let go of the hope you'd reconcile with your ex. Consequently, the people you dated afterwards never really stood a chance because you weren't fully invested. You weren't fully healed or ready to move on. That being said, try to look at the situation this way: instead of being down about it (easier said than done, I know), you can use it to finally let go of the false hope you held onto all this time. Now that you know about your ex's seemingly serious relationship, you can officially close the book on this chapter of your life and start a new one. Take the time to grieve, but when you're ready, go ahead and put yourself out there again. Only this time, don't be afraid to feel fully or even fall for someone. Most importantly, don't lose hope that there's someone else out there for you because truthfully, your story has only just begun. Good luck, man. Link to comment
No1 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 you did everything but accept that it was over. Perhaps the lack of success in dating was because you held back or it was sensed by the girls that you were not over your X. Girls are very in tuned to things like that. And they can sense when someone has their life on hold. You cant lose what you did not have. You havent had your X in two years so you didnt lose her and you are comparing this guy to you. Tell me, if you put your car keys into your house will it unlock the front door? No matter how hard you try, you can paint the key, decorate it, will it to open the door but will it work? Of course not, thats because that key is meant for your car. Does that mean your car key is not better than all of your other keys? You are like a key and you meant to unlock someone elses heart. You were not meant for this one girl and this one guy was. Accept that it was not you so dont take it personal. Once you accept that its over and you do things to make you happy, youll see dating will be much more fluid and enjoyable. Link to comment
micro Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 No1, thanks for the advices. I find them very valuable. Sorry to hear that you are coping with fresh breakup. It must be difficult. Sincerely whish you lot of strength and luck. The problem here with me is that I was believing all this time that I would be the key to unlock the heart of my ex eventually. And circumstances somehow fed this belief. She loved me very much, so I thought that only circumstances led to this kind of outcome. After all I was receiving strange signals from her close relatives during last year while we were in NC, so I thought that she was trying to reopen communication, but I didn't make any move bcs I was being afraid not to spoil anything before fully recover... Some silly ideas even came to my mind immediately when I heard that she was in a relationship. I was thinking to meet her and convince myself that she is serious with her decission. But I will probably not do it. This all has become to complicated...... Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I think you did a 'literal' no contact, but not a mental one. By that i mean, you stopped interacting with her after the breakup (and her life apparently continued on with someone else), yet in your head you were still keeping her alive as if she were still your partner and would eventually come back. That was based on fantasy, not on any reality she was showing you by being long gone and not interacting with you anymore. So to really heal you have to do a mental no contact and not just a physical blocking. By that i mean, you need to stop yourself fantasizing about her to break thru the denial and magical thinking that she must come back because you want her back. Please google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it. She's just a ghost in your head, memories at this point, and you have to align your thinking with that reality. You may have kept the relationship alive in your head, but in the real world, it was over and she's moved on to someone else. If you practice thought stopping, you can limit the amount of time you dwell on her, gradually reducing it until you don't think about her much at all which aligns your thoughts with the reality that she isn't your GF any more. It takes time and hard work, but you need to realize that you must do this mental work to stop dwelling in fantasy and the past and instead be fully living in the present and looking towards a future rather than to the past. So work hard to banish thoughts of her, because dwelling on her and those memories is what is keeping you tied to her and living in the past. Once you get her out of the center of your thoughts, you will start to become emotionally available for a new partner. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 btw, when i had a relationship than ended after a long time together, it really helped me to re-frame my thinking about him as if he had died rather than just a break up. So she isn't actually dead, but she is dead to you if she has moved on to another man and it's been 2 years. It helped align my thinking with the idea that he was really gone and not coming back, and as such, i needed to grieve the loss, let go, and get on with my life. So have a nice little farewell to her in your head, validate your love for her (because you did love her), but also accept that since she is really gone now, you have to accept that that love is memories and not reality. Think of those thoughts of her as memories that haunt you as surely as a ghost (because that is what they are, ghosts from the past and not connected to any current reality). But she as a person is definitely gone and out of your life, so you need to not keep thinking you can resurrect this relationship when she has moved on. Link to comment
micro Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Chickadeedee, thank you very much for the detailed analysis and for the advice. I think that you are right about all. She is probably ghost that has been in my head for the last two years. We had specific breakup and our story is little bit unusual, so I believe that it has impacted my healing. I would try to control my thoughts, but as for now it is difficult. The thought of breaking NC and meeting her for convincing myself that I have lost her for good, hasn't left me since I found out that she is in a relationship. I already have had similar experience of my previous ex even getting married, but I havent been feeling like I do now.... Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 >>but I havent been feeling like I do now.... We just have more feelings for some loves than others... but your task is still the same in any break up, letting go of someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore. Don't focus on your feelings as being some kind of indication that it was 'meant to be'... because she has her own feelings and they are obviously directed to another man rather than yourself. You need to try to recognize that you keep thinking about her for the reason that you don't want to let go, not because it was magically 'meant to be'. So your task if you want to get better and stop torturing yourself is to focus on letting go, not keeping her alive in your thoughts with fantasies that you were meant to be, when she's already been gone for 2 years and is with someone else. YOU may feel you were meant to be, but she doesn't, obviously, or she would be calling you up and asking to be with you rather than this other guy. Link to comment
micro Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 Thank you Chickadeedee. I will try to win this battle. Just hope that my dating will have some success in near future, because this would make me more easy to forget my ex. Link to comment
No1 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Micro. You are not going to forget your X. That is a huge misconseption and if you think you can forget your X you are going to be in for a disappointment. Do you remember the first car you have ever driven? Of course you do, if you think about it you might remember the quirks it had but you cant tell me every single trip you had in it or the feeling you got when you drove it. You can probably talk to me about it but you wont feel it. Xs are much the same I have had lots of GF and I remember every one, but I let the emotional vines that were attched fade and fall off. Do you have anything of hers still in your house? Do you have text messages, pictures, letters, cards, gifts or anything that provokes an emotion of your X? If you do, get rid of it. Link to comment
micro Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Do you have anything of hers still in your house? Do you have text messages, pictures, letters, cards, gifts or anything that provokes an emotion of your X? If you do, get rid of it. I got rid of all that long time ago, after bu. The only thing I left was the hope in my mind, and the confidence that eventually she will come back. Link to comment
Telly986 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 How did you found out about your ex new relationship?I had similar experience with my recent ex but I found out soon after the break up and it killed any hope for me that was left inside me.Like you, I was crushed and devastated but it helped me to move on much faster.Its been almost 3 months and I have no idea if his new relationship worked out or not because I cut off contact with him.I feel so much better not knowing what he is up to and information about his dating life. just look at the bright side.Now you know she is gone and that it's truly over.Once the hope is gone then the moving on prossess will begin♡♡ Link to comment
No1 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Well, like I said, you did everything right but accept that it was over.. Link to comment
micro Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 How did you found out about your ex new relationship?I had similar experience with my recent ex but I found out soon after the break up and it killed any hope for me that was left inside me.Like you, I was crushed and devastated but it helped me to move on much faster.Its been almost 3 months and I have no idea if his new relationship worked out or not because I cut off contact with him.I feel so much better not knowing what he is up to and information about his dating life. just look at the bright side.Now you know she is gone and that it's truly over.Once the hope is gone then the moving on prossess will begin♡♡ Thank you Telly. I guess you are right. Today I felt much better. Regarding how I found out, after long period of nc I decided to research what was going on with her. Frankly speaking I wanted to continue with my 'project' of reconciliation. I thought that she was still single because we live in a small town and no one saw her with bf. I contacted some of my friends who know some close frieds of her. I got all the information. I had thought that I had been progressing with my 'project', but then I found out that I had lost two years living with a false hope. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Great lesson to learn...the "project" of reconciliation takes two people working in the light of truth and authentic change. Link to comment
micro Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Great lesson to learn...the "project" of reconciliation takes two people working in the light of truth and authentic change. Maybe one more lesson. Long NC perhaps will not improve chances for reconciliation, because, other party: 1) Will not see the change and progress that we make by working on ourselves (solving issues that led to bu) 2) Will think that we are not interested, and will continue with their life (wit someone else). Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Third lesson....if They broke up with you and moved on, they had no plans for reconciliation. Link to comment
micro Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Third lesson....if They broke up with you and moved on, they had no plans for reconciliation. In general, you are right. But sometimes recon. does happen and this is what many of us hope during process of healing and some may try to work on... Link to comment
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