Desperately unhappy - please give me your advice :)

[fernando2826]

So my ex and I dated for around 6 months - we broke up 3 months ago. The relationship was incredibly intense and probably more infatuation than true love - she often used words such as "soulmate", talked about a future with children together and told me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to her. Anyway, we both went away to university, promising to try and make things work but within 3 weeks she had got together with someone else (most likely as a distraction from the fact that she didn't believe the relaitonship would work and wanted to jump ship before she got abandoned - she regularly said that she was terrified that I was going to meet someone else). She may have slept with this guy, denied it, but spent the entire time I was visiting texting him in front of me. However, when we actually broke up she was a mess and said that she didn't want to lose me and wanted to keep the door open to reconciliation in the future.

 

Anyway, I went NC, as much for myself as anything, and we have only spoken three times since the breakup (all initiated by her). I have kept all communication short and light except for a recent phone call which I will explain. I removed her from fb around 2 months after the breakup simply because it was so hard to see her face, her updates and the posts of the guy she had turned to at university. She called me to ask why and I explained that I didn't want to see her moving on, that we had made each other deliriously happy and that I was seeing someone else (not entirely true but I wanted to seem strong and as though I didn't "need" her in my life to be happy). She responded jealously: "Well I hope she makes you as happy as you made me!", "I miss you a little" and "If neither of us had gone to university we would still be together".

 

I ran into her on Christmas eve but she would barely look at me and tried to hide behind friends. When I did make the effort to go and speak to her, she was awkward and up tight, not showing any emotion whatsoever as though she didn't even care (bearing in mind she had said the above just weeks before so I can't imagine these feelings have just gone - she was always very good at hiding her feelings and repressing them). I think her unwillingness to see me might have come out of guilt over the breakup and knowledge that she hurt me, in addition to regular awkwardness of running into an ex.

 

Basically, I want to ask you guys what you think she might be feeling/thinking, whether she still cares about me/thinks of me in a negative light for defriending her and seeing someone else 2 months after she ended the relationship (she said that she hadn't been seeing anyone). Have I ruined any chance for reconciliation in the future?

[shessofly]

This girl is just living in the moment. She is not relationship material right now. I wouldn't worry about what she thinks... She moved on instantly and then continued to communicate with him while in your presence. Do yourself a favor and cut her off entirely. Sorry you're hurting but staying in contact is not going to help you in the long run.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think you should be hoping for reconciliation. I think you should be moving on.

 

And just so you understand, NC isn't "oh, but she calls me and we talk a little." NC is no contact AT ALL. It means you block her number so you don't talk to her anymore.

 

I don't think she's into you anymore and I think for your own sake, you should not entertain notions of getting back together after such a short relationship anyway.

[oneK]

2nd all the above.

 

She does care for you and is stand-offish for a number of reasons that you will never fully understand. LDR with people in Uni...almost 0% chance of success or happiness.

 

Maybe you 2 will rekindle in the future but for now, you have your own paths to explore, to learn and grow. I say let it go gently and lovingly. You will never regret being kind

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

When she was gone, she risked the relationship and got with someone else. Regardless of what did or didn't happen, she knows she started the end of the relationship and now it's done. She's not likely to want to run accross you for various reasons, whether it be guilt or just not want to think about it; but you do know when she did see you, she didn't approach you and try to reconcile. The only thing for you to do at this point is walk away and not look back; she knows how to get a hold of you. Enjoy your time seeing other people and allow time in general to do its thing. If it's meant to be, you two will get back in touch. If you don't, be glad it ended as early as it did and you aren't suffering from a breakup after a long-term relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

Also, I would add that you need to pay attention to body language.

 

I ran into her on Christmas eve but she would barely look at me and tried to hide behind friends. When I did make the effort to go and speak to her, she was awkward and up tight, not showing any emotion whatsoever as though she didn't even care ...

 

This is body language telling you that she doesn't want to talk to you. In response you went to talk to her. I would not advise doing that again.