rich1 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I've been doing MUCH better lately. My colleagues are complimenting me, I'm going out and having fun and not stressing too much about my healing heart. I've looked to get back into dating now that we are nearly 2 months on, but I know I'm not ready yet. I've taken great strides with therapy in terms of dealing with my depression and emotional unavailability. I make no bones that I want my ex back, though I'm closer to peace that it won't happen. My therapist advised to leave her be, be in touch sporadically and not to deny my greif. She even advised to try and talk with my ex about the therapy in a way of showing her how hard I'm trying to change. I was stressing about how to do this without 'telling her what she wants to hear' and funnily enough, after talking about our financial commitments she asked how it was going, I told her great, she replied "I'm glad its going well for you" which I took completely on face value. Since then I've been LC for 2 weeks (because of money) I've been completely nonchalant in my contact and when seeing her at work. Until today - its her birthday, I couldn't not wish her a happy one. She replied "thanks rich! I hope the snow doesn't stick, I have to get to work hehe!" Again, hard not to read into the 'hehe' but I left it alone. I won't lie, I've felt terrible all day, but positive that I'm still going in the right direction. I guess I'm writing this to try and kill the urge to ask her if she is enjoying her birthday. Looking forward to today being over! Link to comment
Clinton Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Hang in and don't ask her how it's going. She's just being polite. No sub text here, nothing to read in to. Keep on healing. You're doing great. Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Thanks Clinton. I'm not asking her any questions, because in all honesty I don't want to know. Just need to get through the rest of today, just knowing its her birthday and not being able to see her and wish her the best really hurts. Link to comment
Clinton Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I know it feels bad, I've been there. But there are better days ahead, this I know as well. It just takes time to get there. I'm over 5 years on from the split from my fiancée and couldn't be happier. Wouldn't want her back for all the money in the world. You'll get there too. Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Ugh, I'm sorry that your therapist isn't advising you to completely move on from your EX girlfriend. I'll assume that in session that you are leaving her no choice but to say that in the future maybe reach out and contact her about how great you are doing in your therapy and relay how hard you are trying... in the hopes that by that time you'll be in a better place and not try to contact her to get her back. Why? Its a dead end and all it will do is prolong your healing process. Period. You feel terrible because you contacted her today for something other than logistics. And the truth is that she couldn't care less that you did. She wasn't hoping that you would wish her a happy birthday today, and she almost definitely has someone else in her life that she is thinking about day to day now. And that's the cold hard truth. It was a backstep and now you're feeling the effects of doing that. In fact, you would most likely have done more to get her back had you NOT contacted her today at all. Sorry, but that's the truth as well. Had you NOT reached out to her today, you could have written on here tomorrow about how proud you are that you didn't do that. How you protected YOURSELF from more pain because YOU are worth not adding to the pain by contacting her. That's how you start building back your self worth. By not reaching out when you think it would be seen as a good gesture to do so. But by reaching out to her like crippled puppy you did the exact opposite. In her mind she is going "awww so sorry puppy... I'll be nice today and pet you since its my birthday." Tomorrow she will be back to logistics. She doesn't care about your therapy. And the sooner you realize she is gone gone gone and stop contacting her, the sooner you will stop feeling terrible all the time. Today, she saw you as a puppy lapping up anything she gives you. "hehe"? That's what she gave you. She turned your life upside down and you are obsessing over a "hehe". Put that into perspective... You think that she respects you for wishing her a happy birthday after she blasted your life into oblivion? She sees it as weak and not at all attractive. Women respect strength. Remember that. And next time you get the urge to be a puppy for her, fight the urge and show some strength instead... that's how you gain her respect...as well as your own. Edit addition: Rich you seem like a really good guy. I can honestly tell you that it is her loss and she may one day look back and realize that she let a really amazing person walk away from her life. And she very well might regret that decision one day. But that day will NOT come until you are completely 100% done with her and loving your new life without her in it...a long long time from now. I think its time to admit to yourself that she is tossing you to the curb and not standing by your side. And she deserves to be treated as such. Stop showing her the good guy that she broke up with. That guy will always be dumped in her mind now... understand? As soon as she is reminded about who you are (the really good guy) she remembers why she broke up with you... why? because you're exactly who she thought you were... the puppy she tossed to the curb...and all the colors she painted you as, fitting neatly in the f'ed up box she placed you in. Stop fitting into that box she put you in. Step out of the box and start showing the strength I know is inside of you waiting to come out...with a fury. Stop being the puppy. Be the wolf. Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Great post Chamachama...and the therapist advising contacting the ex is beyond weird. That's an avenue to painville. If the OP is psychoanalyzing a "hehe" in a text then the OP isn't nearly healed enough to be contacting the ex. I played that damn game for 5-6 months and was STUCK. Go NC as long as it takes. My ex wife and I have kids, their about grown but after 10 months post BU I can finally text her without the drama and heartache. I know she's gone forever and have accepted it. It takes time but does bring a sense of peace. Took a lot of NC and self healing to get where I am. I'm not 100% healed but I'm not 100% broken anymore either. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 While I don't agree with the therapist's approach, I am glad he is in therapy. And I hope he can realize that this pain is a direct result of the contact and resolve to cut down on the contact unless required. Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 The birthday contact aside, I feel great. I'm back to normal today. Yes, I obsess about her contact (which is finance related mostly, i haven't spoke to her about my feelings towards her since new years eve) but I am by no means her puppy. All she has seen of me has been happy, smiling, confident and nonchalant. I don't go running when she makes demands and I don't initiate contact (not since new years, birthday aside) Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 The birthday contact aside, I feel great. I'm back to normal today. Yes, I obsess about her contact (which is finance related mostly, i haven't spoke to her about my feelings towards her since new years eve) but I am by no means her puppy. All she has seen of me has been happy, smiling, confident and nonchalant. I don't go running when she makes demands and I don't initiate contact (not since new years, birthday aside) Well that's good news. So on holidays and special occasions she gets reminded that you're still pining for her. "Happy New Year!" and "Happy Birthday!" means "I'm a puppy and you can kick me (and she has definitely kicked you...hard...) and I'll still come back and try to get your attention!" Do yourself a favor, and leave your phone off on VDay. Do something else on that day. Plan something for yourself and leave her completely and utterly out of it. You have time to gear your mind up to not contact her and plan something that day to take your mind of her. But do not under any circumstances make contact with her. Even if she contacts you first. Ignore her until the next day if you must reply. Its a good test of your strength... Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 Thanks everyone. I know putting myself through contact promises hurt. We are meeting up Saturday to discuss the sale of the home. Other than this I intend to make no further contact. I'll be honest, I'm not sure I'm strong enough yet to ignore it if she initiates it, but she hasn't thus far unless it's been about money so that makes me feel better at least. I know she isn't the sort to string me along to make herself feel better, if anything throughout all of this many of her actions have been to spare my feelings. Regardless, from this day forth she will only see the best me that she no longer has. I'm not a weak person, but grief does funny things. I'm a clever bloke, and I want to be better more than I want her. I know that is only possible by getting over her. Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Thanks everyone. I know putting myself through contact promises hurt. We are meeting up Saturday to discuss the sale of the home. Other than this I intend to make no further contact. I'll be honest, I'm not sure I'm strong enough yet to ignore it if she initiates it, but she hasn't thus far unless it's been about money so that makes me feel better at least. I know she isn't the sort to string me along to make herself feel better, if anything throughout all of this many of her actions have been to spare my feelings. Regardless, from this day forth she will only see the best me that she no longer has. I'm not a weak person, but grief does funny things. I'm a clever bloke, and I want to be better more than I want her. I know that is only possible by getting over her. She doesn't need to see the good you or the bad you. She shouldn't see the sad you or happy you. She should see the indifferent you. Logistics, that's all she should get. If she asks how therapy is going or how you are, you're right... she is just trying to spare your feelings and make herself feel better by being nice to you. In reality, she does not care at all. So if she asks about your life just say straight up... "that's really none of your business and please stay on the topic of the house and money." She will respect that. Hell it may even be a shock to her. But that's all she should get from now on. Every time. If you have to spell it out for her, then do that. But don't be mean or nasty or sad or happy about it. Straight face and calm. Indifference... She doesn't get to see your insides anymore man. She dumped you. She gets nothing now... I know you're not weak. Time to show your strength though. She wants out? Show her what its like to be OUT. Indifference man... the broadest sword with the sharpest blade... I swear to you this is the very best way you can react toward her. This is the ONLY way she might one day down the road question herself. You wishing her niceties on special occasions won't do that. It will only validate her reasoning for dumping you. Understand? You want to show her something that will leave a mark and actually last? Show her NOTHING. That's the stuff that lasts.. As far as she can see from you...you are over it and over her and you want to speak of nothing but logistics from now on. YOU want to get it over with and be done with her. Trust me that is the best possible way to react right now. Strength and resolve and indifference toward her. That's the stuff that cuts deep. The stuff she will one day remember about you. Not this wishy washy "Happy Birthday!! stuff. The stuff that happens when you get kicked by the one you love... you get up and move the heck on and make your life WAY better and more interesting and more fun without her. Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 I agree 100% I'm scared I won't be able to pull it off in the moment, but I'll try! Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 I agree 100% I'm scared I won't be able to pull it off in the moment, but I'll try! Oh its not easy. But every time you do that and you actually pull it of, watch how you feel the rest of the day. Its like the total opposite of when you contact her or you let her walk on you by being outwardly friendly or sad in front of her (thats what I call puppy behavior). You'll be smiling the rest of the day just watch. What starts to happen sometimes though is that the ex will become anxious about it and act out a bit. Maybe she will get angry and start with you. And sometimes even the strongest people fall into the trap of arguing. They sometimes try desperately to get some sort of emotion from you, you'll see. BUT if you can withstand THAT...and still be indifferent and walk away? man its awesome and you'll be so proud of yourself and so relieved that you didn't leave a huge matzo ball of emotions hanging out there with her. And you'll be knowing that she saw a sheet of iron looking to get the negative stuff removed from his life asap... And she will also know the reality... she dumped you and she lost you and you are as gone as she is... let her get a sniff of that man. She gets NOTHING now. Your insides are for people who are going to stick around your life. Your insides are for the girlfriend who loves you and sticks by your side. Your future girl who's out there waiting for you... NOT for her anymore. Shes not that person anymore so you guessed it....she gets NOTHING. I'm glad I am starting to make sense to you man. Be the wolf who she will respect. The resilient strong as a mother f'er guy she didn't know was there. Not the puppy that she knows all too well and no longer loves... Get it? Flip the script on her man... p.s. if you fall off and give her the emotions she seeks to make herself feel better, don't beat yourself up about it. Just make damn sure you thoroughly realize and comprehend that it was the WRONG way to go and just get back on the path of indifference and minimal contact asap. We all fall off once in a while. It happens. But just get back on the path and make sure you succeed next time. Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 Thanks man That's gonna be what I tell myself in the mirror at night and in the morning. "Be the wolf" Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Thanks man That's gonna be what I tell myself in the mirror at night and in the morning. "Be the wolf" Awesome! haha you got it man! Dude I remember when I was trapped in the house with my stbx wife. I was minimal contact as much as possible. I would wait until she got dressed and out of the house in the morning and scurry out of there every day trying not to see her. Same at night too. Come home super late to avoid seeing her. Every time she tried to talk to me about stuff that wasn't about the house or the divorce (even if it was just "hey how was your day") I would just say "day was good." and walk away and out the door I went...smiling on the inside. Many times I would tell her not to speak to me about anything but the house or divorce. Her jaw would just drop and she would be totally speechless. And I would just walk passed her and say "thanks!" and that was that. But every once in a while I would fall off, especially in the mornings lol...she would try to pull an emotion from me. Sometimes just to yell at me for stupid stuff like moving her items around in the bathroom. And I would slip up and get into it with her. Within 15 minutes I showed her raw emotions flying from my mouth. I just couldn't help it! lol And I she would always leave me hanging and she would be super cold to me... and I would walk away feeling like absolute crap. Wishing I had just been strong enough to be indifferent. She won. I lost. But I would always make a point to tell myself that was the wrong reaction. And that next time she will get nothing. Eventually I got so good at it. And man I swear it REALLY helped me. I stopped feeling tormented all the time. I mean I was still in waves of pain of course. But that tormented feeling of "what did she mean?!?" and "did I say the wrong thing? Or the right thing?" or "wow she was so cold to me!" etc.. all of that was gone. My response was the same, day in and day out until I moved out and the divorce was finalized. And all I had left to go through were the pangs of pain from healing. Nothing extra. Soon the pangs came less and less. And years later I am 100% over her. My life is great without her. I know I handled it the best way I could... I'm proud of who I became afterward too. Stuff like this changes you. The way you deal with events like this, mold you to who you later become. I'm a lot different than I once was. I know who I am now. I know a lot more about myself now. I have to say... I am almost glad that I went through that horrible crap sandwich. Sounds weird but I wouldn't have met half the amazing people who are in my life now or who have passed through it since her. I wouldn't have been in the amazing occupation I am in now. I wouldn't have been training nor would I be in as good of shape... I also know a lot more about who I am intimately as well. I know more about what I want and what I don't. There are real positives to making it through these events with strength and self respect intact as much as possible Rich... That was fun to write btw... Love writing. Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Share Posted January 15, 2015 Yeah I have it good compared to some. Helps to have some perspective. At least I can avoid her for the most part! This injustice won't define me. Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Yeah I have it good compared to some. Helps to have some perspective. At least I can avoid her for the most part! This injustice won't define me. The injustice wont. But the way you come through it will... You're gonna be ok man I can totally tell. "The best way out, is always through." ~Robert Frost. Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Wolf! Just called the bank and they will lend to me alone based on my income. I'm now holding all of the cards I can refuse to sell knowing that she can't afford to hire a solicitor and I know she can't afford to take the house on alone. This may be petty, but she binned me off and left me to it all alone - and now my biggest worry is alleviated, I know I'm going to be OK! Mixed emotions yes, but I decided that as I wouldn't be able to control myself during a meet up tomorrow, I left her a voicemail instead. I know what I need to do, and I'm going to do it! Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Wolf! Just called the bank and they will lend to me alone based on my income. I'm now holding all of the cards I can refuse to sell knowing that she can't afford to hire a solicitor and I know she can't afford to take the house on alone. This may be petty, but she binned me off and left me to it all alone - and now my biggest worry is alleviated, I know I'm going to be OK! Mixed emotions yes, but I decided that as I wouldn't be able to control myself during a meet up tomorrow, I left her a voicemail instead. I know what I need to do, and I'm going to do it! So the loan is to buy her out or something? I don't understand... Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Nah, I basically pass eligibility for her to sign the mortgage over to me entirely, we have been here 5 months so there's no equity in it. She said before she would be happy for me to buy her out, now that I know I can she has no leverage over me Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Nah, I basically pass eligibility for her to sign the mortgage over to me entirely, we have been here 5 months so there's no equity in it. She said before she would be happy for me to buy her out, now that I know I can she has no leverage over me Ok then, buy her out and be done with it brother. Your new life awaits you. Hell, if I were you I would not only buy her out and have the house to yourself... BUT I would also do a thorough analysis (yes I'm a dork) of the best most fun and cool place for a single dude your age to live...move out of your house to said cool place, rent your house out and have the rent pay the mortgage for you. That way you not only have your mortgage and investment being paid for by someone else... BUT you're also now living in a new cool place where you can stretch your brand new single dude wings and (sorry in advance ladies lol) lay waste to half the female population in your post breakup search for the one who will make you forget your ex even existed in the first place... Now THAT is a plan my friend. Do that, and you will be on your way to true enlightenment... Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 She messaged me earlier "sorry I missed your call, that's fine! We need to talk about how we go about it but if you want to buy me out that's fine" I replied "did you sort the car?" (She uses a car that has finance in my name, she was gonna get it cleaned and take pics so I can sell it) "No sorry, i ended up having to go to work do you need to sell it before you can buy the house?" "Yes" "OK I'll sort it tomorrow and send you the pics" I didn't respond. Man it feels great to be in control, show no emotion "oooh that sucks you had to work" blah! She gets no more from me! Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 She messaged me earlier "sorry I missed your call, that's fine! We need to talk about how we go about it but if you want to buy me out that's fine" I replied "did you sort the car?" (She uses a car that has finance in my name, she was gonna get it cleaned and take pics so I can sell it) "No sorry, i ended up having to go to work do you need to sell it before you can buy the house?" "Yes" "OK I'll sort it tomorrow and send you the pics" I didn't respond. Man it feels great to be in control, show no emotion "oooh that sucks you had to work" blah! She gets no more from me! NICE!!!! See?! Even though this was just a small taste of indifference... it feels WAY better than if you started being nice guy puppy face with no return from her right? Great job man! Feels good doesn't it? You kept it too logistics and there is no emotions to be left out there in the wind. Every time you do that, its another step in the healing process. Why? Because you did that for YOU. You build back your self worth that way. Today, you put a little self worth back in the bank. That right there is huge. Seriously... bravo brother! My only question is why must you sell the car before buying her out? Dude, just get it done and over with. Do you know how many people simply walk up to their bank loan officer and throw keys on the table and just stop paying the mortgage just to get away from an ex? It happens every day. The pain of still being connected is just too great. Go full steam ahead on both fronts man. Get it over with and start your life. You're right by the way. You now have the control. Shove that house and car stuff down her throat. Make that happen. Show her what it means to be motivated to live a better life without her. Leave her and your former life with her behind you and show her NOTHING emotionally the entire time. On the last day that you have to see her... do something funny if you want. I swear to sh*t when the judge stamped my divorce I did a crazy shuffle type dance into a quick moonwalk out of the court room. No lie.. that happened And she followed me out laughing a bit and asked if I wanted to get drink to celebrate, I kept walking and didn't even respond... out the door I went. One of my best moments of my life... What did you think about my plan btw? Renting it out and living in a great area for single people... If you need me to run a GIS assessment let me know lol. Link to comment
rich1 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 I need to sell the car because the finance is the difference between the bank lending or not lending unfortunately. I had considered it, its an option I need to discuss with my financial advisor! Thank you so much! At times I disliked the tough love. But you are so right, this little taste makes me feel like a hero. The idea of her sat at home wondering why I've gone cold all of a sudden has me sat here like a Cheshire cat. Link to comment
chamachama Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I need to sell the car because the finance is the difference between the bank lending or not lending unfortunately. I had considered it, its an option I need to discuss with my financial advisor! Thank you so much! At times I disliked the tough love. But you are so right, this little taste makes me feel like a hero. The idea of her sat at home wondering why I've gone cold all of a sudden has me sat here like a Cheshire cat. You're most welcome Rich. I had the same done for me when I needed to find my strength. Just do the awesome people on here a favor and pay it forward when this is all behind you and you're living in a new area with your arm around a new girl... pop on here and help others who are just going through what you are now. It feels good to pay it back, believe me. And its not tough love really. Its you deciding to love yourself, more than you love being in pain... crazy thought right? It has nothing really to do with her. Everything to do with you. Her emotional state is not your concern anymore. Just like yours is not her concern... which as you know, it isn't. Even when she asks....remember she is just being nice to save her own face. So she feels better about doing what she is doing. Don't give her that. Don't allow her to feel better about things for herself. Be the wolf.. do for you now. She gets NOTHING... no response or just an extremely indifferent one if any. Like "I'm good. Anyway, about the the car...". That's the stuff that burns deep man. Indifference... and building the foundations of a new better life without her. Anything else will work against you. Remember that too. Oh and if she starts to get anxious and uncomfortable with your steely indifference... repeat these simple words to her "Please don't speak to me about anything other than the house or the car. Thank you." and end it there. If she gets angry or upset about that... stop the conversation and walk away. Start back with logistics the next day. But do NOT fall for her pulling of emotions from you. She won't like this behavior from you at all by the way. She want's her puppy face doormat and she WILL eventually fight for it. But just keep on the path brother... write your emotions here if you need to. But DON'T get into it with her... Link to comment
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