miss_sunshine Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Happy New Year to you all! I hope you all had a nice night. I have really been struggling lately over Chistmas and New Years. Finding it a bit difficult to sleep again and thinking of my ex a lot. I am really struggling with coming to terms with us never speaking again. I find it so very strange that after 11.5 years he is just able to walk away and really does not care less how I am. Long story short he left and he decided he did not want marriage or kids. It was news to me as we were just about to buy a house and he said he wanted that first to give us stability. It was not like I had been pressuring him or anything, I think the fact we finally saved our house deposit over 18 months and had enough money to buy just freaked him out. I still really do not understand what happened. The only contact I received from him was at the 3 week mark, he sent me a sweet photo on my phone and at the 7 week mark he sent me an email which was a bit strange he said he was a lonely man and attached a photo from one of our holidays of us together and said how a friend of his saw me at the footy and told him and he "instantly remembered all of our wonderful times together" he also said he was sorry, he hopes I am okay and I am still his friend etc... and how he was looking through all our photos and he realised what a lonely man he is. I did not reply. So fast forward to two weeks ago and he messaged me to tell me about a notification to pick up some mail he received in my name. He did not even ask how I am or anything and was very cold. I posted about it here . I just do not understand his mindset and what I did for it to end up like this. I am just struggling so much with him not even caring how I am at all and that 11 years just ended like it meant nothing. How can he not even contact me over Christmas or New Years to ask how I am? I get that exes are thinking about it for a long time before they go and he was either unhappy for a long time, or he was just that freaked out by the idea of a larger commitment that he had to leave. Why does he not even care at all though? Would you not at least care enough to ask how I am considering how long we are together. It feels like he just hates me and like I was nothing to him. Most people stay in contact or have a complicated relationship after a breakup and that makes sense to me. Just walking away is so weird. I try to put myself in his head and understand and the only way I can is if he completed hates me. That is the only way I could act in the way he did. Why did he stay with me for so long if he never even loved me? Obviously I just had no idea how he really felt about me. I feel like I never knew him and no many memories are just jaded now and it all seems like a lie. I really do not know how to come to terms with this. My mind just keeps trying to rationalise what happened, and hoping he is scared, he does not know what he wants, that he is hurting but it is just not true. He does not care and he has not for a very long time. I try to match up my memories and the way he acted with me during the relationship with the ending and it just does not make any sense. I also find it so embarrassing when people ask me if we are in contact as I just feel so ashamed that someone who was such a big part of my life just left me like I was a speck of dirt under his shoe. I feel worthless and so very sad and like every bad thing I have ever thought about myself is true. Like I must have made his life unhappy, be boring, ugly etc but he never made me feel that way. It is driving me a bit insane. He meant so much to me and in the end I meant nothing to him. I could be dead and he would not even know. I know also that since the breakup he has lost a lot of money and has been drinking even more than normal and that is weird to me too. Wouldn't you leave a long term relationship to make your life better and not let things just spiral downhill. It is all so very confusing. I am seeing a psychologist in a couple of weeks so I am hoping she can help me to work through all this intense pain. I am just sick of the ache in my heart, living alone and having no-one to share my life with and I just miss him so much. I thought even if things ended between us we would still always be in each other lives. I did not cheat or do anything to hurt him and he is acting like I am terrible person who made him miserable but he never acted like that was the case. He told me he loved me all the time, he appeared happy. Arrrggghhh I wish I could just forget everything and erase it all from my mind. Link to comment
Alittlelost Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 You are not ugly boring or any other horrid word people given themselves. This is on him. You may. Ever get a reason and im so sorry for all this pain. im glad your seeing a professional! I would! Give yourself an hour a week to speak to somebody and maybe another hour at anther point. The rest of the week stop yourself. It's something they teach people with very stressful jobs or difficult life things to manage. It helps you move over it. Of course see what they have to say As they know your situation. Are you supported with friends and my family? Are you doing something for you? A class or hobby? Give yourself time. 11 years is a long period in your life to get over. I also have to add that you have no idea what he's feeling. You only see a small image or lack of it. Whatever he's feeling stop focusing on it. It's better he's gone if that's who he is. Painful but better. I wish you all the luck I can and hope when your ready you meet somebody better. Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Thank you Alittlelost I appreciate your post. I am actually looking forward to seeing the psychologist and he helping me move forward. I do have support from family and friends but not enough things to fill my time. I worked over the holidays which has been good for me but I am now in the middle of a four day weekend. Yesterday I did nothing just watched movies all day but I was hungover being Jan 1st haha after a nice night out with some new friends. My new years resolution is do make more friends as I have some good friends but they have their own lives they are busy with. I went to the gym this morning and tonight I am going to a meetup group so that should be fun and I have a lunch with friends tomorrow. I am just going to put myself out there more and I want to join a new group and take up a new hobby. I spend too much time alone which is okay as I do not mind it sometimes but at the moment is is very hard with the holiday season it is making me extra sad. I feel like with a lot of my friends who are all lovely and there for me if I need but I always have to be the one to organise the catchup and its starting to annoy me a bit and adding to the feeling that no-one cares about me. I hope he does struggle in some way. It is still so weird to me to think I will never see him again and I have to go through the next 60 years without him. I need to try to just accept it and stop asking why but it is really hard as I thought he loved me and we would be together forever and it turns out he must have never felt that way. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 My former therapist gave me a great exercise whenever I started to wallow in negative thoughts. She would make me write down all my thoughts about the ex for about 15 minutes ... then highlight the negative thoughts. First thing that does is demonstrates all the negativity swimming in your head. And that's YOU and not your ex. They are your own negative assumptions and fears. Second, I would then need to write down a more explanatory, positive to "knock out" the negative ones. For example: you would translate what you said: "two weeks ago ... he messaged me to tell me about a notification to pick up some mail he received in my name. He did not even ask how I am or anything and was very cold." to "two weeks ago ... he messaged me. I was very surprised to see that he messaged me. It made me feel anxious and excited. I hoped that this would be the start of a reconciliation or at least an apology for leaving me. I realize that I had unexpressed expectations and that those expectations are not realistic. I know that I am the one responsible for looking after me emotionally and I appreciate that at least the contact was civil. It is still a challenge to let go, but at least I am changing my mindset to a more self-healing mode. I love me and I am growing to love me more." So the point here is to highlight a) the underlying assumptions and hopes you had, b) how you felt, c) what the disconnect is between your current feelings and the mental state you need to let go, and d) affirmation that your job now is to learn to love yourself. I emphasize letter d) because I don't really get the sense that you truly love yourself or know how to self-soothe. Without that self-care and built-in resiliency, that could add months if not years to your healing process. This exercise, if you really sat down and broke down all the negativity in your first post, would be a long one but it would be a useful one. And one I would encourage you to share with/read to your therapist. I wish you luck. Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Thanks Ms Darcy, that is a great exercise and I will give it a try and wonderful advice. I do not have much self love at all and I know that is one of the things I need to work on. That is another thing I would like the psychologist to help me work through as you are right it is just adding to my pain. I am not in a place where I am ready to move on yet or date someone new as I need to get to a good place where I love myself first or I know I will just attract another person who in the end is not good for me. I give too much and forget to remember that I need to look after me. You are so right that I am focusing way too much on him and not on myself. That's why I am forcing myself out tonight to meet some new people and get my head in a different place and make some new friends. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 One step at a time sweetie. First just get some of these exercises down. Keep going to therapy. Stay busy with work and friends. Exercise for at least 30 minutes a day (for the endorphins). Take care of you in this new year. Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Thanks Ms Darcy. I don't know why I am suddenly in such a bad place at the moment. I just feel like I have hardly any friends, no-one really cares about me and I am all alone. I went to a meetup group tonight and met some lovely people and really enjoyed myself but then I come home and I am all alone. I see pictures on friends Facebook accounts and they all seem to be having a great time and everyone has these big groups of friends and partners they are heading to the beach with etc and I feel like I have no-one. I have friends but they have lives and families and I do not see them all that much. I also have not had any interest from a guy in the almost 7 months I have been single. I do not want to date yet but it is a depressing thought that I never meet anyone and there is no interest. Everyone else seems to at least have dates etc and I am all alone. I honestly just feel like giving up. My life is so painful at the moment and I am really in a terrible place. And from the outside all people do is tell me how well I am doing. I just miss my ex so much and I know I sound like I am going crazy but I feel like this is a place where I can just reach out and say exactly how I feel. I honestly do not know how I can get over the fact that he just ditched me like I was nothing and I gave him so much. I do not know what I did to deserve to be in this place. Why did I have to end up with someone who was a liar and in the end just mean and heartless. Why do other people get to be happy and not me. Why did he pretend to love me for so long and he never did. Was I really just that stupid? What if I am single and alone for years. I cherished being in a relationship so much, I gave everything I had, I was there for him all the time. I gave everything I had and it was not enough. He left and does not even care enough to check in on me at all. I just do not get it. Anyway I am going to go watch a movie to cheer me up. I'm sorry for the depressing post! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 You're not going to get interest from a guy when you're miserable and unhappy. I'd advise doing the exercise suggested above and then getting some cardio exercise as well. And stay off Facebook. Seriously. Link to comment
Alen655321 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Hey babydoll, I remember your original post from a couple months ago regarding your situation. It's good to see you're still on these forums and it seems like you're doing your best to keep yourself busy, which is awesome and commendable! If you recall, I was and still am going through something similar except I was only with my ex-gf for 4 years. Know that you are definitely NOT alone in these feelings you are facing and go a little easy on yourself. It will take some time, patience and self love to get over 11 years. (I know; easier said than done) Right now, it may seem like you're going through the motions of every day life, but that is ok because at least there is some forward momentum. I put on a mask every day I'm with friends, coworkers, and general people I interact with in order to hide my inner pain and emptiness. Anger and resentment seem to be the predominant feelings that are governing my thoughts at the moment. I've even forced myself to go on a couple dates with girls that have shown interest in me and my "sense of humor" but it is all a show and I felt nothing towards my dates. (I'm probably not ready to date yet) I know that eventually, my outward "happy" appearance won't be an act anymore and will be congruent with actual feelings of happiness and inner peace, but in order to get there, I gotta fake it till I make it. These negative feelings of self doubt, and general notion of feeling as though you are "unloveable" are merely negative emotions that you project onto yourself. The fact that you are a very self aware and emotionally intuned individual is a good sign that you're deeply in touch with your feelings and are a genuine person. I have that same inner dialogue all the time; I deeply love(d) my ex and look where that got me...meanwhile all my friends and colleagues are getting engaged, married, or starting families on Facebook. Which in all honesty, Facebook only shows us a sliver of the happy or good times and very rarely do we know what goes on behind the scenes of many of these seemingly happy couples. Which btw, I learned through a friend that my ex reactivated her Facebook account a month ago and has still kept all the pictures of us together in her albums...including pictures of us hugging, kissing etc...Despite the fact that I've deleted all remnants of her, weird huh? But I digress...If you were in fact an unloveable weirdo, or socially inept, you would be considered a sociopath who is devoid of any feelings or empathy and which is far from the truth. You are worthy of having an amazingly loving and long-lasting relationship and with enough self-improvement, self love and professional guidance, you will get there! Hang tight and best wishes! Link to comment
Tulipinacup Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I'm feeling exactly the same way. I'm very isolated. Good for you for going to a meet up thing. Link to comment
towardfuture Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 The way your ex broke up with you is identical to how my ex broke up with me. It was extremely out of the blue, she had been planning it secretly for months, she emotionally detached and she was incredibly cold. I also believe she left for someone else. It happened in November. I read your original post, and used it to find this update. It has me seeing what is probably my future: some lame texts from my ex, but continued coldness. She may as well have been hit by a bus. For me, waves of pain come and go. What I want and what I know are different things. I know that she will never come back. I know that I could never take her back if she did. She chose to do this, the way she exited was cowardly and inappropriate -- not the way to treat your partner of 8 (or 11) years. She also was incredibly cold. When I described the breakup to my therapist, she said "Uncoupling" almost immediately -- the same thing that was mentioned in your original thread. So this is what has happened to us. It doesn't feel good, does it? But what can be done? It is what it is. I hope both you and I will go on to find love. I know for me what was once love for my ex is slowly being replaced by resentments. A week ago I was feeling "I'm sorry you wasted 8 years on me" and now I'm thinking "Can't believe I wasted 8 years with her". But it wasn't a waste -- we learn and grow. I've done a lot of growing from this experience that I know I'll be able to bring into my next relationship. All I can do is be thankful this happened NOW, before marriage, mortgage and kids, instead of after. I feel sorry for her overlap boyfriend, if she has one, that she has not grown at all and will be looking for him to validate her happiness instead of finding happiness within herself. If she texts me I won't be responding to her. What she did to me was cowardly, inappropriate and selfish. I thought she loved me up until the moment it happened. I hope things get better for you. Link to comment
sky09 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 doll, pick up a book called New Earth or The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. We can only live in the present. If you don't dwell on the past or worry about the future, what is bothering you right "now"? I def. agree with Allen on the whole fakebook thing. It's like pictures in people's houses. Have you ever seen any with people in distress on them? Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Thanks Alen for your great post, I appreciate it. I am sorry for your pain. It's funny I went to lunch with friends yesterday and one of them is someone who I always get a a bit envious of as she is gorgeous and has a great boyfriend etc and she was telling me the exact same thing. That Facebook is just that, the best of everyone. In chatting to her I realised that everyone is just the same, we all feel insecure and sad and are all just trying our best to get through the roller coaster of life. She was also telling me about a friend of hers, who was with her boyfriend for 11 years and they got married in Bali. I remember seeing the photos, it was amazing, perfect almost and they looked so happy. It turns out that 6 weeks after the wedding he said to her he could not do it and he is now out at strip clubs every night and it's over. I am actually grateful that I did not get married as that would have been ever more terrible and it is probably a blessing that we did not buy a house so I had the money to buy my own apartment. So sadly in hearing someone else s tragedy, I realised it could have been even worse. Towardfuture you are so right that as sad as my situation is I can be happy it was before all those things that would have made it even more difficult. I know that being in this much pain is in a way a gift (I watched Eat, Pray, Love today so that might be inspiring my thoughts haha). It is a time of transformation for me and growth. I can guarantee you my ex will not be trying to work on himself, he is just drinking, spending and losing ridiculous amounts of money and running from his pain. I am glad my heart hurts because I know I really loved him and that is good that I am capable of such love. The fact that he can just walk away is a reflection on him and what a coward he is. Can someone like him, who is a liar and really lacks empathy for other people ever really be happy anyway? I keep having dreams where he comes back one day to tell me how sorry he is, but in the end it probably will not do much to help anyway. Thanks everyone, I so appreciate your support. I just have to keep on believing that I will be happy again one day. Link to comment
towardfuture Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I am getting the dreams too. They are terrible!!!! I mean when they're going on, it's great. Then you wake up, realize it was all fake, and just feel like garbage. Usually I dream I have the fight with her I wish I'd gotten to have. It's become a recurring dream for me. Ugh Link to comment
miss_sunshine Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Towardfuture I know, its awful! I had a dream where he told me he never really loved me at all in those 11 years (my biggest fear). It's all just our subconscious trying to sort through it all. Damn them for doing this to us hey. Truly worst pain ever. I hope one day they realise what they lost. Hugs to you! Link to comment
MStowe Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Ms Darcy, you give great advice. I'm in a similar situation and slowly learning what the real job is. I find after a couple of months, the thoughts I have are about my ex still i.e. what is he thinking / how could he do what he did / when he's at the coffee shop nearest my house was it an attempt at reconciliation. These thoughts are useless to my recovery and also none of my business. Plus how could I possible correctly identify the truth? The real focus is on being good to one's self and turning inward to aid recovery. Thanks for your post. Link to comment
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