my younger sister touching my husband

[Fudgie]

She came from an abusive household and it's entirely possible that she was sexually abused. Her behaviour sounds like a child who was sexually abused. Stop being irritated with your husband, he did not ask for it, she started it. She needs to else proper boundaries.

 

After your talk, did she stop cuddling up and touching people inappropriately?

 

I agree with Snny, document and cover your butt. As someone who works in health-care, if I am aware that the patient has a history of possible sexual abuse, I like to have another person in the room with me if I have to do personal care for the person. Why? I don't trust people, especially those with a history like that, to not accuse me of doing something wrong because I've seen it happen. My exes sister liked to accuse everyone and anyone of rape when she didn't get her way. Yes, they were lies but she did it all the time and yes, cops got involved.

 

Be very very careful.

[agualibre777]

The reason I am bothered about my husband is that when I brought up concerns about it, he seemed to think it was more like I had an irrational discomfort rather than it was something to address. I mean... he was supportive of me but not because he thought it was a problem. He wasn't going to even say anything about her touching his hand until I brought up my concerns. He did wonder if her touching him was me, and thought it was weird but disregarded it. I didn't initially know what to think when I saw a few things, like her running her hands through his hair affectionately, I was in the backseat of the car. What am I to do? Address it in that moment and embarrass her? So, instead I waited and talked about it with my husband. He agreed to deter her for my comfort but not because he felt it was problematic. That is my concern. He didn't really think it was problematic.

As for my sister, she has stopped touching or squeezing between us and is giving space. She took my concerns seriously. First she got defensive, but luckily I had a back up story - apparently my cousin's husband also complained to my aunt because she was leaning on his shoulder and trying to cuddle with him. I wished that my husband also felt concerned the way my cousin's husband did. Anyways, she cried and was embarrassed, and I tried really hard to make sure she knew how much we loved her and that it was o.k.- that she hadn't known- and I told her about nonverbal versus verbal communication, etc. So, she seems happy now. My aunt also called her and reinforced the messaging. My husband did not say anything to her about it.

[agualibre777]

From your first post you said she was removed from your parents abusive household. By definition that is unstable.

YOU are as "guilty" as your husband for letting her sit between you and touch him. If you know she doesn't understand boundaries it is your job to teach her.

 

No, being removed from an abusive household a year ago does not mean she is "unstable". The definition of emotionally unstable is apparently borderline personality disorder. She has no personality disorder. She is a normal kid, however since she was homeschooled she was not appropriately socialized and has some deficits in her awareness and subsequent behavior that we are all working on with her. This is an example of one of them. But she has responded well to it.

[mhowe]

It his is not your husbands fault nor did he do anything appropriate. And if you were watching her run her hands through his hair in your car...yes, you speak up and say something.

[Seraphim]

Mental instability is not just a personality disorder. Mental instability can happen due to many other reasons.

If your sister is this naïve at 15 maybe perhaps she has a developmental disorder?

[agualibre777]

I think she is naive because no one taught her. She doesn't have a disorder. She was homeschooled and my parents are inappropriate- they never taught her boundaries and especially not the right ones.

 

Mhowe, I think my not saying anything at that moment was in the best interest of my sister. Had I said something, it would not have come out nice. It would have humiliated her and hurt her. How I handled it was definitely in her best interest.

 

I am a little freaked out at my husbands sense of boundaries. Emotionally, I feel fine with my husband, but logically I find it odd that he would have continued with that behavior with my sister endlessly had I not done anything about it. It makes me concerned about his red flag system and the lack of functionality of it.

[mhowe]

He isn't with your sister alone. You have been in the car and been watching tv and said nothing. He likely thought YOU were okay with it.

[Fudgie]

Your husband did not merely see it as inappropriate as you did. That doesn't mean that he welcomed it, started it, or encouraged it. Some people are just more "go with the flow" than others. As long as he sees where you're coming from and respects that and refrains from that sort of contact, that's what matters.

 

You and him are never going to see eye to eye on everything. That's just life.