How to understand myself..

[can1328]

I'm completely out of a 5 year relationship with a woman I thought I was going to marry. It's been about 4 months since the breakup but only a few days since I went NC. I'm 28 years old and this was my 3rd long term relationship. My first was at the age of 15 that lasted about 3 years. She dumped me when we started college. My next girlfriend was for about 1.5 years. She also dumped me and for a guy that she is still with today. My latest 5 year relationship ended for a variety of reasons. But to sum it up quickly, she felt she fell out of love, ran into a guy at a high school reunion and said she had a connection. She decided it was strong enough to end things with me.

 

So after the dust has settled and I'm starting to heal, I'm reflecting back on the last 13 years of my life. I'm wondering why I'm always the one to be dumped? I've never been a dumper. Only one time did I dump a girl, but that was only a 2 month long relationship which was pretty much a rebound. There's been many times that I've thought about it while in the relationship but decided to look the other way and hope things would work themselves out. I'm not sure if it's that I didn't want to go through the pain of a break up, really loved the person or just felt like that thought would go away.

 

The other part to this is the simple question of "what's wrong with me?" I'm so afraid that I'll get into my next relationship and have the same problem. Am I doing something wrong? I don't cheat, I'm a hard worker in a successful career. I own a home, financially stable.. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong to cause women to fall out of love with me. Most of my close friends are married or engaged to their long term partner. I don't get why that's not me? I'm starting from square one now. I want a wife and to start a family and I'm starting to wonder if I won't get that.

 

Obviously it's tough to comment without knowing anything about me but I guess I just want to know if anyone else has felt like this.

[Mischa234]

If I had to take a guess, I'd say you're not passionate enough about your relationships and you're not fighting for them. Being consistent and loving is one thing, and it is actually a very valuable and admirable trait. But not all women will interpret it the same way. In fact, sounds like the women you have been dating have walked out of your life pretty easily and that you haven't stirred the waters nearly enough.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is there's nothing wrong with you, but if any of these experiences are teaching you something it's that you shouldn't let them walk away so easily. Realise your worth, and go after what you want. If what you want is the relationship to last, get a bit more fire in your belly and make those women feel desired by fighting for what you love and believe in.

 

If there's any reason nice guys finish last, this is the prime example of why. Next time don't be so nice about it!! (Don't be mean, just get passionate and reinforce your love for them).

 

Also a really valuable thing to do is address potential problems as soon as they become evident, and be proactive about the goal of relationship longevity. Don't let problems get the better of you (including break up threats), get the better of those problems. Get on top of them and decide their outcome. You actually can decide and influence their outcome.

[CraigHowes]

I'm a similar type of person to the OP been in serious relationships and have learnt things from each one. I've also been the only one to be dumped as I'm a committed kinda guy who doesn't give up when times get tough.

 

Let me tell you, you can't fight for someone who doesn't want to be fought for, all you'll do is chip away at your self respect and dignity by being this passionate over something you don't have.

 

All you can do is be you and be 100% true to who you are and then be lucky enough to find a girl that appreciates it so that there interest doesn't wain and they don't need to look anywhere else.

 

I also want the whole long term relationship wife family life and i will find the right girl to do that with in time. Remember everyone that leaves is leading you to the person your meant to be with.

 

All you can do is keep moving forward and be prepared to take the hits along the way. People will come and go but it's how you see yourself that stays with you.

[notalady]

"There's been many times that I've thought about it while in the relationship but decided to look the other way and hope things would work themselves out. I'm not sure if it's that I didn't want to go through the pain of a break up, really loved the person or just felt like that thought would go away."

 

I think this right here is the problem. When you have problems in the relationship or perhaps see something wrong with it, you don't deal with it, you look the other way. Maybe it would have been right to end the relationship much sooner because it wasn't working out for various reasons or incompatibilities, but you don't, if things aren't working out, at some point one of you is going to want to end things, if it's not you then it'll have to be her. So why are you surprised at always being the dumpee when you wouldn't do the dumping yourself?

 

Also I think going forward, before starting to date again, think long and hard about what you really want in a partner, and making sure her personality, values and goals in life are compatible with yours. To do this it requires you to know yourself, know your own personality and your own values and what you want in life, then you can look for someone compatible with you. I suggest you take some down time to heal and to really understand yourself and what you want.

[can1328]

If I had to take a guess, I'd say you're not passionate enough about your relationships and you're not fighting for them. Being consistent and loving is one thing, and it is actually a very valuable and admirable trait. But not all women will interpret it the same way. In fact, sounds like the women you have been dating have walked out of your life pretty easily and that you haven't stirred the waters nearly enough.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is there's nothing wrong with you, but if any of these experiences are teaching you something it's that you shouldn't let them walk away so easily. Realise your worth, and go after what you want. If what you want is the relationship to last, get a bit more fire in your belly and make those women feel desired by fighting for what you love and believe in.

 

If there's any reason nice guys finish last, this is the prime example of why. Next time don't be so nice about it!! (Don't be mean, just get passionate and reinforce your love for them).

 

Also a really valuable thing to do is address potential problems as soon as they become evident, and be proactive about the goal of relationship longevity. Don't let problems get the better of you (including break up threats), get the better of those problems. Get on top of them and decide their outcome. You actually can decide and influence their outcome.[/quote

 

 

I should point out that i fought for this past relationship like to other. It was probably the wrong thing to do. She came back with the "I made a mistake" but after a month she dumped me for good. I did my best to make it work since we both out so much time into the relationship but ultimately I don't think we were compatible. I saw things throughout the relationship that I didn't address. This makes total sense. I should've addressed them earlier but I had always thought "nobody is perfect and I love her." That's probably wrong.

 

A positive thought is that I met my last ex at 22. So much in my life has changed since then. I guess now I really know what I'm looking for in a partner. Hopefully that will help me moving forward.

[notalady]

Yes nobody is perfect. It depends entirely on if her imperfections are compatible to you. You shouldn't trivialise incompatibilities and you know that now. It's important to know what are deal breakers for you, including personality traits and flaws that you know you won't be able to live with in the long term.

 

How much time you've already invested in a relationship also should hold little weight in this consideration. You'll be wasting even more time on something that's not working if you continue.

[can1328]

Yes nobody is perfect. It depends entirely on if her imperfections are compatible to you. You shouldn't trivialise incompatibilities and you know that now. It's important to know what are deal breakers for you, including personality traits and flaws that you know you won't be able to live with in the long term.

 

How much time you've already invested in a relationship also should hold little weight in this consideration. You'll be wasting even more time on something that's not working if you continue.

 

Makes total sense. I feel that I really messed up on this one. I saw all the red flags from the beginning but just kept motoring through. The longer it went the deeper the commitment. It was to the point that I was ready to get married but still questioned a lot of her ways and held off. I guess I looked at them as simple fixes on her end. She looked at it as me not being right for her. Lesson learned. I hope I can find a partner better suited for me in the future. The tough part is that my ex and I were obviously very close. We lived together, had couple friends, were planning to marry. In a new future relationship, I guess i will need to learn how to start slow and progress. I guess I'll learn that as I go along.

[mhowe]

For the future --- drinking issues are not a "simple fix". Neither is fiscal responsibility.

[can1328]

For the future --- drinking issues are not a "simple fix". Neither is fiscal responsibility.

 

 

I know that now. We met at 22 so I actually didn't recognize the drinking until later on. Fiscal responsibility was always there. I definitely know that those 2 things are very important to me in the future