Long Term Relationships

[csdude55]

OK, folks, if you've been in a relationship for more than 15 years, how would you describe how you feel about your partner?

 

Are you still passionate? Do you still get butterflies in your stomach when you see him/her? Do conversations with your partner take priority over everything else?

 

Or are you just complacent, and accept that they're there as long as they don't get in your way too much?

 

This is more than just a poll to me; I'm trying to figure out whether what I feel for my long term girlfriend is love or friendship.

[Mischa234]

I've only been with my partner 2.5 years, but I can tell you the relationship has become about "us" rather than either of him or I. We have a family environment here, pets, children, extended family. We have a home, we have a history. We live harmoniously (edit: this actually is not true... I just tell myself it is, but when we manage to achieve it it's the sweetest contentment), and that is majorly important and if you can get that part down right then you are winning at your relationship.

 

It's definitely normal to have thoughts of the grass is greener and am I really happy with this person. But what you need to realise is that your relationship does not define you. Your relationship is a marker of your companion, and your companion is committed and loyal and you have so much more in that person than a large majority of people have in their relationships.

 

I read your other thread, and I get that you are missing (edit!!) passion and have grown used to your long term partner. But ask those people who are unhappy in their marriage why they're unhappy and I think you'll find you have it really good.

 

My advice to you is not in relation to this thread, but in relation to your situation as a whole... Go to couples or individual therapy, reconnect with your partner because you've allowed a distance to come in between you, slowly figure out how to revive your sex life on a new level, and work on how to find new meaning in your long term partnership and in your life in general. You have a woman that's still peacefully by your side after all this time... how lucky you are that you don't even know it. I wouldn't give her up for the world.

[Capricorn3]

OK, folks, if you've been in a relationship for more than 15 years, how would you describe how you feel about your partner?

A feeling of deep contentment. Happy. Calm. Safe. Peaceful.

[Alittlelost]

I have been with my OH 8 years and things have changed. I still get butterflies if meeting him somewhere when I first see him but otherwise no butterflies have lessened.

We still have we other as a pirority as we don't have children yet. We still talk to each other more than anybody else at parties and have all our inside jokes but we certainly don't stay up chatting all night anymore! We still call each other even though we do live together. If he's left for work early then I call him on the way to work if he's free to say good morning etc or text if he's busy. Visa verca.

Things have changed though. Sex used to be really important now it's more if we have time. Opposite shift paterns often mean it can be days sometimes until we have an evening together. More often it's just about trying to get some sleep but that's likely a reflection of us working 60 hour weeks. We still do whenever we get time together and try to make sure we have a "date" once a week to make sure we don't end up passing ships in the night. If we both have a good week of similar shifts then this isn't an issue.

 

How would I describe him; amazing and I would say I'm so happy. I couldnt imagine my life without him and I can't wait to finally get our house and start our family. He's drives me crazy!

 

Is that what you were looking for?

[Capricorn3]

OP, just to clarify: You wanted responses from people who have been in a relationship for more than 15 years, right?

[Seraphim]

A feeling of deep contentment. Happy. Calm. Safe. Peaceful.

 

Ditto, that . I love him more than the day I married him. Been together 26 years, married for 20.

[Mischa234]

OP, just to clarify: You wanted responses from people who have been in a relationship for more than 15 years, right?

 

What he actually stated was, if you have been in your relationship for more than 15 years describe how it feels to you so I can compare my relationship to see if I feel love or friendship for my partner.

 

He wasn't ruling out perspective from others in the way that his post was worded and he has also posted another thread about a different issue which I'm sure he wouldn't mind some clarity on either.

 

Seems that OP is going through a tough and confusing time, very strongly resembling a mid-life crisis and is seeking valuable perspective. Probably not up to us to decide what that is and isn't, just my thoughts.

 

I would recommend OP do a Google search on "men midlife crisis" and compare his current situation, thoughts, feelings and behaviours with what pops up. I believe this will provide very valuable insight for him and a starting point for how to navigate this confusing time.

 

Edit: Of particular usefulness is an article on the site link removed

[Mischa234]

OP, please read your other thread that I've just posted in and try to consider my words carefully. Although I could be wrong, I think it's really important that you explore the possibilities of what I am communicating before making your final decision. It worked for me in some difficult times, so hopefully it will work for you, whatever you decide.

[csdude55]

Well, I guess my intent here was to try to see how other people described love in a long term relationship, and see how it compares to how I feel. I've mentioned before that I truly have no idea what love is, so maybe poets and rom-coms just have me expecting too much out of life.

 

I said "15 years", mainly because I feel like my emotions changed quite a bit after about 10 years. Whether that was situational or not, though, I don't know. I would have described my current relationship a lot differently after 3 or 8 years, though, than I would now.

 

Mischa, my GF and I have actually discussed counseling a few times, but honestly, I have very little faith. We get along great, so that's not the problem. The problem is that our long term goals don't match, and no matter what, one of us is going to have to give up on their dreams so that the other can have theirs. All the therapy in the world isn't going to change that.

 

Worse, I feel like the longer I let my GF hang around and wait for me to eventually bow to her will (or as she says, "grow up"), the less likely it is that EITHER of us are going to realize those dreams.

 

I've also done quite a bit of research on mid-life crises, and honestly, it's not all that conclusive. I find more references to a mid-life transition, where adult men look back at their life and change gears before it's too late, which often means ending a relationship that no longer matches up. In message boards, the men seem to be happier after making that leap, but very few women seem to be happier about it... which is one of the many reasons that I feel guilty about this whole thing.

 

I appreciate any and all input, though

[Mischa234]

Well what I read about midlife crises is that you start to question at least one major area in your life and either make bold, rapid changes or a number of smaller changes over a period of time. This could be ending a relationship, or it could be taking a new path with your relationship, or in other areas of your life. Basically it's characterised (most simply) by serious review of your circumstances, and a need for a change in direction. Maybe midlife "transition" is a better term for your situation, but as far as I can tell it all falls under the umbrella of putting your foot on the brakes, reconsidering your route and your destination, and making changes.

 

It's definitely possible for you and your partner to negotiate and find a happy medium without needing to both give up dreams. I can't tell you what this is, because it has to be about what you two are prepared to give up for the health and happiness of your partnership, and things that you won't budge on. I believe there's almost always a happy medium. Plus people's values change. For example: I want kids, my partner has a kid and doesn't want more. I've still got a lot of time so we'll see if his mind changes, and if not, I've always wanted to foster kids and work with underprivileged children in my spare time anyway so I might be able to reach a lot more without having one of my own.

 

Not compromise, negotiation. And an open mind with a positive outlook for making life richer and more rewarding.