Can remaining friends with the ex help you get them back???

[cassiana]

Familiarity breeds contempt.never accept scraps. Even if you retain friendship (because you are in the same social circle) with him downgrade it markedly and start dating. If he starts dating and you are his friend you will be gutted. You also will be dropped so don't put yourself through it.Also he needs time apart to miss you and to reflect. He might worry that you have moved on. You will have none of that mystique if you are his friend.

[Nap-Man]

If familiarity breeds contempt then what happens when the ex comes back because of the "mystique" you have created? After a few months won't they just split again? I would think that if a couple gets back together after friendship then the issues are more likely to be ironed out and they are not just reconciling because there was some manipulation going on.

 

It is really hard to be friends with someone if they are dating someone else, especially if you still love them. IF you can handle it wouldn't you think that is the best way to have a successful reconciliation? By successful I mean long lasting not just getting the person back.

[cassiana]

A girl should always retain some mystique even if she has reconciled with her ex. Mystique is not about lying or being in anyway dishonest, its just about keeping bits of yourself to yourself. If you do get to have the Chat do iron out issues as honestly as possible but don't tell him that one night you missed him so much that you ate seven mars bars and got sick. Don't tell him that you didn't date with the last year because you were pining for him. Familiarity does breed contempt.

[DragonGirl724]

If familiarity breeds contempt then what happens when the ex comes back because of the "mystique" you have created? After a few months won't they just split again? I would think that if a couple gets back together after friendship then the issues are more likely to be ironed out and they are not just reconciling because there was some manipulation going on.

 

It is really hard to be friends with someone if they are dating someone else, especially if you still love them. IF you can handle it wouldn't you think that is the best way to have a successful reconciliation? By successful I mean long lasting not just getting the person back.

 

if its real love they will come back not just b/c of the 'mystery' that comes w/ not seeing or hearing from the person. if they do that then it will not last & it isnt real. its a temporary fix. not love. i also agree w/ the cant be friends b/c theyre gonna date other people thing. i dont think anyone grieving over an ex or anyone at that matter should have to subject themselfs to a greater pain. its just NOT WORTH IT.

 

familiarity DOES breed content. we become comfortable & used to what we had for so long & its hard & upsetting to have to even attempt to detach yourself from it. but hey thats the only way we can grow & become more independent & stronger individuals.

 

-DG724

[cassiana]

too much information turns people off. mystique is the opposite and it draws them in. It leaves them wanting more. As for true love. Tell me what it is and what its composed of? If you don't know, how can you say mystique isn't part of it.

[Nap-Man]

don't tell him that one night you missed him so much that you ate seven mars bars and got sick. Don't tell him that you didn't date with the last year because you were pining for him. Familiarity does breed contempt

 

If that is your definition of familiarity then I 110% agree. To me familiarity was more along the lines of a "normal" friendship. In other words just being in the persons life without all of the ex-relationship talk. Trust me that I know how hard that is but when I was referring to familiarity this is what I imagined.

 

if its real love they will come back not just b/c of the 'mystery' that comes w/ not seeing or hearing from the person. if they do that then it will not last & it isnt real. its a temporary fix. not love

 

YES! That is what I was trying to say...I think you said it a bit clearer than I did. Sometimes I think that the statistics are so poor on ex's who reunite because of the tricks that people use to get their ex's to miss them. I read your post on "Methods" and I really liked it and think that it is very wise advice. It can be so freeing if you look at ex's the way you do, I hope that others see that and read it too. The only thing I have to say is that while I agree that there is no manipulation that will get an ex back in yoru life and keep them there, there are things you can do to kill any feelings they have for you and thus ruin any chances of reconciliation. Sometimes I worry that people focus on the short term goal of just getting them back rather then what they need to do for themselves to foster a long lasting relationship with the ex or a new person.

[cassiana]

Love is psychological, just like any relationship. I read somewhere that this can be illustrated with greetings.

If I say Hello, you will reply Hello.

If I say how you doing. You will say fine and you?

But if I say how you doing and you say Im not too good, my finances are in a mess you will think im odd and giving too much information when thats what I asked you.

But conversation is about proportion. Thats how we judge it at the start. A one word greeting merits and asks for an equally short reply. A four word question shouel only get a roughly equal response. Otherwise we are spooked. Later as the conversation moves on we can relax a little.

 

I think the same is true for relationships. You have to judge carefully what you say and do. If an ex says they miss you don't gush Yes i missed you so much I really did you will freak them out or feed their ego or make them value less because you seem pathetic. Its psychological.

 

Most off the time, a breakup is the end, but sometimes its not. But rather than think of love as some sort of ephemeral entity maybe we should deconstruct it. By understanding it better we can geal with it better. I suppose that I think that those who romanticise romance are going to be its victims.

[DragonGirl724]

if its real love they will come back not just b/c of the 'mystery' that comes w/ not seeing or hearing from the person. if they do that then it will not last & it isnt real. its a temporary fix. not love

 

YES! That is what I was trying to say...I think you said it a bit clearer than I did. Sometimes I think that the statistics are so poor on ex's who reunite because of the tricks that people use to get their ex's to miss them. I read your post on "Methods" and I really liked it and think that it is very wise advice. It can be so freeing if you look at ex's the way you do, I hope that others see that and read it too. The only thing I have to say is that while I agree that there is no manipulation that will get an ex back in yoru life and keep them there, there are things you can do to kill any feelings they have for you and thus ruin any chances of reconciliation. Sometimes I worry that people focus on the short term goal of just getting them back rather then what they need to do for themselves to foster a long lasting relationship with the ex or a new person.

 

thanks a lot nap-man...well i only learned to think this way b/c i did all the crap that comes w/ being the 'i want my ex back so badly' girl. i realized the hardway that it is a waste of time & if i realized earlier i woulda saved months of grief. i reaALIZED HES NOT WHAT I WANT AFTERALL. i want to help others do the same. thanks for your support. i agree people foster too much thought on the now of gettin back w their ex & not thinking long term benefits & downfalls of that actually happening...crazy crazy craziness... arg!*

 

-DG724

[Mun]

I just love what you said Cassiana, and I totally agree with you. Too much information is not good. It leads the other person to think you have nothing better to do with your time than obsess over them.

 

A little mystery will draw a person in, usually...but if you tell someone that you can't stop thinking about them and the sun doesn't shine if they aren't around--and you've only had 1 date --they are going to run.

 

You have to keep your exchanges with them on the same level- stay on the same page and not get ahead of yourself. Especially at the beginning of a relationship and especially if you are trying to reconcile.