Regrets for not going for it...

[ShySoul]

And btw, i'm gotten over my shyness but it's not like my life has magically transformed. Yes, it has improved dramatically, but many of the struggles are still the same. I still get lonely, I still search for love, stress, social anxieties, worries about the future... everything. And once you think you've found something right for you, the struggle continues, because relationships are hard work and they will open up a whole new can of worms for you to deal with. That is why it's so important to be confident and to know and love yourself, because heavy stuff will happen that will really test you as a person and past problems like your fear of approaching someone to talk to will suddenly seem very small & trivial in comparison. It's a journey, this whole thing. And it ends when you end.

 

Great advice Ceema-k. People seem to think that shyness is the one thing that is getting in there way and if they overcome it then everything will be fine. But being shy is just another part of life, like anything else. There is no quick and easy solution. Life will have its ups and downs no matter what. There are advantages to being more outgoing, but there are possible disadvantages to. Likewise, being shy can be a problem, but it can also be a good thing. The trick is to learn to control your feelings so that neither side controls you. Recognize when holding back is good but don't do it to the point where you feel miserable and lonely. Recognize when to speak out, but don't force yourself into situations your not comfortable with. Believe in yourself and just be who you are.

[al7]

Great advice Ceema-k. People seem to think that shyness is the one thing that is getting in there way and if they overcome it then everything will be fine.

 

There are advantages to being more outgoing, but there are possible disadvantages to. Likewise, being shy can be a problem, but it can also be a good thing. The trick is to learn to control your feelings so that neither side controls you.

 

It is kind of not very real life philosophy. Look, for example a guy has a headache and instead of giving him some medicine (most likely just a simple pain reliever pill which costs next to nothing) we are here talking about possible advantages of him having this pain

"you know, maybe, it is even good when you have a headache you wont go out, and wont break up a leg or an arm... and wont kill anyone by accident. So it is cool!!"

Imagine how that guy would feel...

 

It is just not fair to tell all shy people that they are really ok and almost lucky to be shy...

[ShySoul]

True, not ALL people should be told they are ok. There are some cases where more work is required. But I still don't think the shyness is the big problem everyone seems to make it out to be. I've been shy my whole life, hence the nickname ShySoul. I used to wish I was different and thought that there was something wrong with me. But I came to understand that being shy is just another aspect of my personality. Everyone is shy at some point and under some circumstances. Likewise, everyone is outgoing at times. But even the shyest of people in circumstance where the are doing something they love and watch the shyness dissolve. Say someone who is shy really likes computers. Get them in a group with other people who like computers and they'll most likely feel more comfortable, at ease, and be able to converse more easily. Come to terms with who you are, and truly love yourself for who you are. Some people may be more shy than others, but those people tend to be the nicer, more thoughtful people. That's nothing to be ashamed about, it's something to be proud of. As long as you don't let the shyness control you to the point of fear, there is nothing wrong with being shy.

[al7]

Come to terms with who you are, and truly love yourself for who you are. Some people may be more shy than others, but those people tend to be the nicer, more thoughtful people. That's nothing to be ashamed about, it's something to be proud of. As long as you don't let the shyness control you to the point of fear, there is nothing wrong with being shy.

 

Look, why would I be proud of my shyness that just eats me?

Yeah that fella is quiet and nice... I am sure all grandmas all over the world love such kids. But that kid feels awful, you know. He doesnt care anymore what relatives think about him. it doesnt matter that much anymore. He'd rather get some features of a jerk to be able to walk up to a girl and chat her up. Thats important. and thats somehting he can be proud of.

[ShySoul]

Ok, he can be proud of being able to talk to a girl. But should he be proud of the fact that he had to resort to following the example of jerks? Should he be proud of being associated with the type of people who would hurt someone else and not care about what they've done? Should he be proud that he had to betray the kind of person he knows deep down that he is?

 

It's not so much a matter of being proud of being shy. It's about being proud of who you are, being proud of the whole package. Some people are shy, thats just they way we are. There's nothing wrong with that. It's realizing that its nothing to feel awful about. It's about loving yourself for who you are. It's about not letting it eat you up and coming to terms with being yourself, not who other people think you should be or for who other people are.

 

And in the end, the shy nice people come out best. When they finally find that right person, they know to cherish it and the experience is worth all the doubts, lonliness, and fears.

[al7]

Ok, he can be proud of being able to talk to a girl. But should he be proud of the fact that he had to resort to following the example of jerks? Should he be proud of being associated with the type of people who would hurt someone else and not care about what they've done? Should he be proud that he had to betray the kind of person he knows deep down that he is?

 

It's not so much a matter of being proud of being shy. It's about being proud of who you are, being proud of the whole package.

 

And in the end, the shy nice people come out best. When they finally find that right person, they know to cherish it and the experience is worth all the doubts, lonliness, and fears.

 

 

Well...you think I want to approach girls cuz I want to be proud of myself and just prove I can do it? Not, it is not the reason.

Shy people who dont approach girls wont fine any girls... they cant just "finally" find the rind person. The method of finding is not working at all. This is it all about. I am just trying to figure out ways to fix it.

 

About jerks. Well.. nothing to be proud of. and this is not a solution since

I cant just turn into a jerk.

[ShySoul]

If being able to say you can do it isn't the reason, then what is? I'm guessing that it's so you can find a girl to have a relationship with. If I'm mistaken, sorry and feel free to correct me. But if that is the case then I think I see where you are coming from. The more you look for love, the less you'll find it. Love is something that happens when you least expect it to. Plenty of people find the right person while they are doing nothing more than going on with there daily lives. There have been plenty of posts on this board to that affect and I've seen it happen a number of times to people I know. I know it happens from experience. Every girl that I've liked, the feelings developed from our friendship. I've never had to think about approaching a girl or having one approach me. I've just let things take there natural course and found that the feelings happened. Now, there is the issue of being able to act on those feelings and say something to her instead of letting your fears get the better of you. But that's a separate issue.

 

Really, the way to fix it is to not worry about it. I know it sounds weird and unrealistic, but it works. Go on with your life, do what you enjoy doing, be who you are, and don't stress or worry about this. Dont find love, let love find you. It when it happens, then don't be afraid to embrace it with open arms and put your heart into. See that all the waiting has paid off and just enjoy the wonderful feelings that love can bring.

[al7]

If being able to say you can do it isn't the reason, then what is?

 

---

Hmm.. to approach a girl who I like, in order to chat with her and if it goes well, het her number\email, then set up a date...

am I clear on this?

 

I'm guessing that it's so you can find a girl to have a relationship with. If I'm mistaken, sorry and feel free to correct me. But if that is the case then I think I see where you are coming from. The more you look for love, the less you'll find it. Love is something that happens when you least expect it to. Plenty of people find the right person while they are doing nothing more than going on with there daily lives.

 

---

ok, so I quit even thinking about approahing. Ok. How will I a girl then?

My friends do not party, most are married. So I dont even go to social events since I dont know about any.

 

Every girl that I've liked, the feelings developed from our friendship. I've never had to think about approaching a girl or having one approach me.

 

---

How did you meet them? Or all of them approached you?

 

 

Go on with your life, do what you enjoy doing, be who you are, and don't stress or worry about this. Dont find love, let love find you.

 

 

Sorry I am confused a little here. Do you adivse here o stop even approaching girls? then I will never ever meet any. I dont see it is good though.

[69_king]

Yeah, you can't just "wait around" for love.

 

Lots of shy guys don't even have female friends or acquaintances. So you can't say "Every girl that I've liked, the feelings developed from our friendship."

 

These guys don't even have any friendships to be developed.

 

How do you get girls to be friends with you in the first place?

 

Love isn't going to find you if you don't get to know any girls in the first place.

 

I was in a coffee shop today and I saw this guy sitting with three girls. How does he do it??

 

I'm not really shy and even I can't do that. But I've found that, for some reason, I'm not really compatible with girls my age. It seems I only ever get along with girls who are either a lot younger or a lot older than me. Maybe its because I am kind of a different person and if there is an age difference then you expect the other person to be different but if you are the same age then they want you to "fit in" with their life, their friends and just be normal. I can't find female friends my age because I like different music, different TV shows, different food, different activites etc. and it just scares them away. I'm not a freak or anything, I actually seem like a perfectly normal guy and girls seem to come on to me at first but once they get to know me they become disinterested. So I can't just wait around for someone to find me because the chances are too low and I have to actively (and up to this point unsuccessfully) try to find someone who I am compatible with.

 

Unless you are a normal guy you can't just wait around. I did a test on some website a while back and it said that about 10% of girls matched what I was looking for but only 30% of those girls were looking for someone like me. So thats 3% of all girls who are compatible with me and then how many of those are single? Probably a lot because they are in the same boat as me but lets say 2 out of 3 so that 2% of girls or 1 in 50 that would be good for me. So I have to go out and try to meet and get to know 50 girls before I find someone. That is going to take a while!

 

 

And also, if you are over, say, 22 then you need a good job and money or the girls will think you are a loser.

[1899]

Im kinda in the situation your in, only im a complete loner. Im not into sports, buying cd's, clothes etc. that most people do. I like to work on engines and trucks, electronics, and fix things. Sports is a waste of time, clothes is an ABSOLUTE necessity otherwise waste of money, and I download only the songs i want to hear. This is the stuff everyone my age I know is into, and we simply have nothing in common other than living on planet earth. As a result i think this is the reason I feel insecure around women my age because I feel weird, but only when Im around others my age.

 

The only thing Ive been planning on doing to fix this problem is to move to another area, job and all, and just start all over meeting new people. Also, I think the key may be how many guy friends you have. or your Social Circle. If you regularly associate with enough guy friends, meeting more and more, im hoping, that one of those guy friends will show up with a female friend or family member,and if you all get to conversing together she might like you. Hopefully it will be a comfortable situation.

[al7]

Im kinda in the situation your in, only im a complete loner. Im not into sports, buying cd's, clothes etc. that most people do. As a result i think this is the reason I feel insecure around women my age because I feel weird, but only when Im around others my age.

 

---

I guess you dont have to have all these common interests like cd and clothes. You dont need to talk to most people. Just to some of them.

 

The only thing Ive been planning on doing to fix this problem is to move to another area, job and all, and just start all over meeting new people.

 

---

Interesting, would not it make it worse? Start from scratch means you'll lose even friends you had before...

 

 

Also, I think the key may be how many guy friends you have. or your Social Circle. If you regularly associate with enough guy friends, meeting more and more, im hoping, that one of those guy friends will show up with a female friend or family member,and if you all get to conversing together she might like you.

 

You r absolutely right. I dont even know many people here..I even work alone (not my choice).

So it owuld be interesting to hear how it is possible to develop Social CIrcle in general..

[69_king]

Now that I have moved away from university I have trouble finding guy friends too for the same reason. At university it was a differnet story.

Now, my only guy friends, apart from old friends from uni that live far away, are guys I play golf with. And we only ever meet at the golf club and they don't have girlfriends either Oh yeah, and few of them are my age.

 

Kind of on a separate note: I was just thinking about why I am afraid to ask girls out and I think the main reason is that I am afraid of embarrassing them or putting them on the spot. I don't care about being rejected myself but I don't want to make them feel awkward unless I know they are already seriously interested in me.

[al7]

Now that I have moved away from university I have trouble finding guy friends too for the same reason. At university it was a differnet story.

Now, my only guy friends, apart from old friends from uni that live far away, are guys I play golf with. And we only ever meet at the golf club and they don't have girlfriends either Oh yeah, and few of them are my age.

 

---

I guess my not very social guys are like that. But, I think what we have to do is not to focus on how bad situation is.. or might be.

We have to focus on a _solution_ to this problem.

So at leats you know some golf guys. Do they party? Do they invite you?

Is there any social opportunities that they might generate?

 

Kind of on a separate note: I was just thinking about why I am afraid to ask girls out and I think the main reason is that I am afraid of embarrassing them or putting them on the spot. I don't care about being rejected myself but I don't want to make them feel awkward unless I know they are already seriously interested in me.

 

Really?

How interestesting. You so much care about her feeling that even do not want to start to talk to her?

[1899]

"Interesting, would not it make it worse? Start from scratch means you'll lose even friends you had before... "

 

What im saying al7 is that the guys that im around arent interested in the stuff im interested in the first place. i just know them from church or from work. Very impersonal conversations. I could leave this place and never look back. I can make "friends" like that anywhere. Heck even me and you have somthing we are on the same page about and ive never even seen you.

I figure a change of scenery MAY help me.

[al7]

"Interesting, would not it make it worse? Start from scratch means you'll lose even friends you had before... "

 

What im saying al7 is that the guys that im around arent interested in the stuff im interested in the first place. i just know them from church or from work. Very impersonal conversations. I could leave this place and never look back. I can make "friends" like that anywhere. Heck even me and you have somthing we are on the same page about and ive never even seen you.

I figure a change of scenery MAY help me.

 

I guess I got you. You r saying those dudes are just like satellites: always around but dont reallu touch your mind\soul...

 

See.. maybe you just somehow like this situation? Why?

Look, I'm always trying to be a bit more nosey than others.. and ask more personal questions etc etc and reveal more about myself.

I cant say it works like magic, but it definitely make me closer to my friends.

Although recently I have trouble to find any friends.. just dont know ppl here and most folks are too busy.

 

I am still wondering though: why is it better to move to another place?

There you would not have ANY friends or acquintances. I persist cuz I am in kinda that situation: moved and have no one even to talk to.

[ShySoul]

al7,

 

We've got a difference of opinion on how to "get" girls. I don't think you should approach girls with the intent of getting a number or date. That's always struck me as either desperate or talking to her for the wrong reasons. Dating and romance shouldn't be something that you have to make happen, it should happen naturally from the course of everyday events.

 

When I said that every girl that I've like has started with friendship, I meant that I've never tried to actively search for someone or started liking someone without talking to them first. I've just gone about my own life and tried not to think about it. One girl I meant because I was tutoring a class. During studying we started talking and got along well. Gradually my feelings for her grew. I didn't go in it looking for someone and neither did she. But, if I had had the courage to say something, who knows what could have happened? That's what I mean when I say that love can happen at any time.

 

What do you mean you will never meet girls? Half the population is female. There are no females at your work? I know that the majority of my school is female. I don't have to approach girls, I can meet them naturally through class. You can do the same thing at work. Most of your friends are married, but not all. And even the ways who are has to know someonewho is single.

 

Do things you like to do. In doing so you will naturally meet people who you at least have something in common with. Join a club that has to do with an interest of yours. Say, a book club or a nature club. You'll be doing something fun that you enjoy, broadening yourself, and you'll meet other people who have that interest. Talk to them as you would talk to anyone. Just don't go into it thinking you are looking for a girl.

[ShySoul]

69_king,

 

First thing you need to do is get rid of the idea that you are "getting" a girl. Girls or love isn't something you "get." Love is something that happens. You become friends with a girl the same way you become friends with a guy, by being nice to them, talking to them, and hopefully having things in common. But the friendship shouldn't be forced. Don't go into thinking I need to get this girl, i need to make this friend. Just be yourself, relax, and if things are meant to work out they will. That's why I say to focus on things you enjoy doing. It makes it easier to talk to people and hopefully start a friendship since you have a built in starting point for conversation. From there, anything could happen. Maybe the friendship can grow into more. And if it doesn't, at least you have a new friend and can gain a little confidence in yourself.

 

About the guy in the coffee shop, there could have been any reason for it. I've sat with three girls before because we were working on a project together, not because I'm some hip 'chick magnet.' Maybe they work together. Maybe he's related to one of them and got dragged along. Who knows?

 

I know how it feels to be different then most people my age. I have different tastes and get along better with people older or younger than me. Yes, that does make it harder. But that isn't any reason to panic and think that you have to actively be searching because the odds or so much against you. Ever heard the saying, good things come to those who wait. Someone is out there for each of us, it's just a matter of time before we cross paths with that person. Through all the numbers at me you want, but it doesn't make a difference. I'm majoring in accounting and finance, two number heavy fields. So I know that numbers can be manipulated and twisted around to prove almost anything. It's pointless to say 1 in 50 girls is right for you. You could find someone right on the second try. Or you may get unlucky and go until the 80th try before finding someone. Don't think about numbers, don't think about having to find someone. Let it happen when it's right.

[1899]

"I am still wondering though: why is it better to move to another place? "

 

The reason I feel this is because being here is like beating a dead horse.. Ive been raised here my whole life. Its the same people over and over again. Im looking for a new life, a life away from my parents, away from just houses and gas stations. I notice when im forced into a new environment around new people (like a new office job) I have no choice but to meet new people. You have to come to your new job, home, school, church, everyday.............and you might find a female friend. I guess you just have to be willing to experience new things in life.

 

I can easily make new aquaintences, but not friends that share the same interests.

 

Ive also been in the "related to one of them and got dragged along with thier friends"situation with my sisters and her friends. But that was before they got thier own car.

[al7]

ShySoul:

 

We've got a difference of opinion on how to "get" girls. I don't think you should approach girls with the intent of getting a number or date.

---

I dont think we got a difference here. I am sure your method is better since it is natural if you can use it. I just cant..dont have any females who I just know or interact with.

 

When I said that every girl that I've like has started with friendship, I meant that I've never tried to actively search for someone or started liking someone without talking to them first.

---

Well..again if you dont know anyone what else you can do as not to actively search? You situtation is awesome I know quite a lot fo guys who found wives through teaching.

 

 

What do you mean you will never meet girls?

---

I mean that I dont know any girls here and do meet them just by accident.

 

Half the population is female.

---

Nah.. it is more than half.. but I dislike that philosophy, sorry. It does not give a practical guide, but rather tease you in a way: Look, there is so much money in the world (country)...What do u mean you are poor?"

 

There are no females at your work?

---

Nope. Engineering u know. Actually, there is no one here, I have been wokring alone in teh room for last 2 years.

 

I know that the majority of my school is female. I don't have to approach girls, I can meet them naturally through class. You can do the same thing at work. Most of your friends are married, but not all.

---

I am not talking actual classes, even if I would there is no "good" females there: of approx me age, single. And I see no people at work.

 

Do things you like to do. In doing so you will naturally meet people who you at least have something in common with. Join a club that has to do with an interest of yours. Say, a book club or a nature club.

---

I am trying.. today I'll visit Bohemianism Club and tostmasters club.

 

Just don't go into it thinking you are looking for a girl.

---

It is hard to. Imagine you are not 22 but 32? or 42? You still would have the same carefree attitude " I am not looking I am not gonna do anything for thar"?

[al7]

1899:

The reason I feel this is because being here is like beating a dead horse.. Im looking for a new life, a life away from my parents, away from just houses and gas stations. I notice when im forced into a new environment around new people (like a new office job) I have no choice but to meet new people. You have to come to your new job, home, school, church, everyday.............and you might find a female friend.

---

Maybe you are just tired that nothing is happening in your life.

When you are away from your parents and place u grew up,

you usually run between your work and your apt. You see no one, at work it is all business. I moved and see no one her at all. All people are either married or busy with work.

[al7]

ShySoul:

 

I'm majoring in accounting and finance

---

Haha, now I know why you feel so relaxed and think about "half of all population are females" often. Your major is like 70% females, so you see them everyday and naturally think "Oh.. there are so many of them..

why would I do anything to meet them.. they are right here".

[69_king]

Ha, I majored in computer science which is 5% female and they were all asian too!

[Ceema-k]

I think it would be interesting to her HOW you've gotten over your shyness?

 

There is that thing..amoryn. It is just a mixture of some herbs,

mostly St. John Wort. Maybe it is helful in the loong run, but I doubt it is strong to help right away.. Does anyone try anything like that with any success?

 

No drugs, alcohol or herbs. My goals in university forced me into situations where I would have to interact with people. Back then I thought I wanted to major in film studies, so in my sophomore year I somewhat reluctantly started volunteering on student film shoots and taking film production classes in order to build up my application resume. It should be said that film students are typically not shy people, quite the opposite. It takes a lot of hustle and people skills to make it in the entertainment/media industry, so most of the people I met in my 2nd and 3rd year of uni were pretty ambitious, wacky, competitive or all of the above.

 

That time of my life, while I didn't really notice at the time, was pretty much the start of journey of overcoming shyness. It was unpleasant... being around these people and having nothing to say and feeling like a mute idiot. But I got by, made a couple temporary friends and just hung in there.

 

The year before, I followed in my best friend's footsteps and became a member of the campus radio station. I actually co-hosted a show for a couple years with my buddy and I was pretty terrible in the beginning. But it was fun & gave me something to do between classes, so I kept on going.

 

And for most of my college years I worked part-time at a market research firm... talking to surly strangers non-stop for 6-7 hours straight, 2 times a week. I know for a fact that job help me articulate better in conversation.. a few of my friends noticed an immediate change in that regard.

 

Now, you're probably thinking: Ceema, gimme a break. You did that stuff during university... you weren't REALLY, TRULY shy! A truly shy person would never put themselves in those situations. Were you really that shy back then? Yes, yes, yes a thousand times yes!! I couldn't talk to most people, couldn't make new friends to save my life, couldn't even consider the possibility that girls would like me and I loathed myself in almost every way possible. Man, I considered killing myself many times during college... because I thought I would change after highschool, but in so many ways, it was no different and that was shattering to my outlook on life.

 

But hey.. i put myself through the ringer. By my last year in university, I had improved a bit... enough to ask out a couple girls for dating and getting burned both times. after graduating, I spent my summer overseas on a study group and basically hobnobbed with hundreds of other travelers my age. I noticed that there was still a lot of shyness left over, but I could function pretty well and made a number of lasting friends.

 

So without carrying on for pages and pages.. that is basically the process I went through. How long did that take? Easily 5 years, if not more, to get to where I am now. A fairly long time. Those "lost" years.. I am still a little bitter about missing out things when I was still in school but I can't change the past. What I can take with me is a sense of accomplishment that no one helped me overcome my shyness but myself. There's never been a feeling of closure.. mostly a calming sense of relief that part of my life is behind me.

 

So what I have to say on this topic.. definitely take it with a grain of salt, because it's only MY own experience. But I know what shyness is and I can still vividly imagine what shy people are going through, because it's exactly what I went through too.

[LycosV]

I have to agree with al7 and 69_king on the not many women in classes comment. In an engineering field you've got maybe four women who have been in all of your classes through college. They all got snapped up in the first semester by the hundreds of other engineering men with more social skills.

[1899]

al7 i assume by everyone your age being married means that you are atleast late 20's and up? If this is the case then yes moving will not help you and you will have to find a different approach. Since im in my early 20's I figure I have nothing to loose by moving into a new city. I figure that most people my age arent married.