I feel such a fool for believing he loved me as much as he said he did

[Faye88]

Its been over two weeks now since I last contacted him. I had a panic attack, first one ever, at work and texted him to call me, saying it was urgent.....but nothing! I found that very hard to deal with, the fact that even on the day he walked out he was staring at me and saying "im too much arnt I.....but I just love you so much". Then over nothing he takes his stuff and walks out!

What Im struggling with is understanding how I suddenly mean nothing? i trusted him , which took a whiile and wasn't easy, let my guard down, he made me promises, we were planning to move in together just the week before, we had a holiday booked for new year? Then after he cooked me a lovely meal, out of the blue hes shouting, swearing, packing and then gone. Telling me never to contact him again or he will call the police! I don't doubt this as, if you read my earlier posts.....he did! Just because I went to see him to try to talk.

 

I have not contacted him for two weeks, its been hard, Ive come very close, but didn't. He has sent me two texts, both saying hes hurt, heartbroken but had to do this as I wont change? He also said he needs to know if I plan to go on the holiday we have booked as I will then owe him money back! Originally he said all the things I had at his he would through on the street, but now says they are stored safely for me to collect. He also said when he left he had deleted all traces of me, photos, letters, Facebook.....but then suddenly, a few days ago he appeared back on my FB with all our photos still there. Also showing new photos of him with his daughter and new granddaughter saying how happy he was! Now today he has disappeared again? Whats going on, did he do this just to show me?

 

To be honest I wasn't upset seeing these photos of him,i thought I would be. Im tired, it seems like games to me. What I really cant understand is how Im just cut off, thrown away as if I never meant anything to him. Ive held out and not contacted him. In fact after his last text I blocked his number, so I have no idea if he has sent any more. It put me back a few steps hearing from him, when I was trying hard not to contact him. I do miss him....or is it that I miss the good bits and loss of our planned future? Because to be honest, I don't actually feel like I know the person he is turing out to be now. Im so disappointed as I really loved him and would have been there for him unconditionally. I really think he is not acting rationally. Please tell me I am doing the right thing not replying, it is so hard not to.

[mhowe]

The person he is turning into now?

He has done this 14x!

 

You bought a caravan...booked a vaca...with YOUR money. He is massively in debt and if you aren't willing to let him spend your money, he doesn't want you.

 

That isn't love. Its a con artist.

[JA0371]

This guy sounds crazy......please do not contact him. Sit on your hands. The feeling will subside....something I always try to remember is ..rejection is sometimes Gods protection.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

rejection is sometimes Gods protection.

 

Great quote. I'll remember that one.

 

Don't contact him. The panic attacks will stop, but find something to help settle your mind. Melatonin was very helpful for me. This is the worst stage, but after many months you'll be glad you let him drift into the distance. You'll eventually get to the anger/hatred stage, and finally the ability to let go; which at that point you'll be glad you're done with the chaos. Ultimately, some day in the future when you finally run into him or hear from him, you want yourself to be in a position where you have no regrets in how you handled the situation and thankful he no longer owns your emotions. This is not what you want for the rest of your life.

[weathergirl]

Faye...I just read your other posts... sweetie you are a grandmother for pete's sake...get a hold of yourself! You are WAY too old to be losing control of yourself like this. The way you're reacting to all of this...one would think you are a teenager or close to. You're a grandmother!

 

Okay so this RL didn't work out... I'm sorry. It happens...it's NOT the end of the world, life goes on for cryin out loud.

 

Panic attacks, meltdowns at work, can't sleep, eat, etc... come on now, it's ridiculous.

 

You need to get yourself together here....this guy is a loser or maybe just not for you...and the RL was toxic.

 

You should be THANKFUL to have this kind of toxicity and negativity out of your life...NOT having panic attacks and meltdowns.

 

Get professional help if you need it...

[Kaiser_Soze]

He sounds crazy?!

 

I gotta be honest, it sounds like he did both of you a favor. Also just an fyi, passion like you have right now to a man reads like crazy, clingy or desperate. I don't say that to make you feel bad, but men ALWAYS prefer calm, rational, confident women. Anything else reinforces his decision. Good luck.

[Cadence44]

I took a look back at your posting history, and I'm concerned about you. This man is not right in the head. Explosive anger, blowing up and leaving and blaming something you said, etc. It's clear he's not the dream man that you think he is. I think you got swayed by the honeymoon period when he was turning on the charm and appearing to be everything that you ever wanted in a man. That's not him, though. You soon saw who he really was, and this is it.

 

Aside from the roller-coaster because of his anger, he creates distance for himself through those arguments. He's not a good bet for an emotionally intimate relationship because he can't handle one. He cuts and runs away, and that's a pattern he won't stop unless he wants to. It has to come from him, and as you can see, he'd prefer to blame other people rather than take a look at his own actions.

 

But I'm concerned about you. Being this devastated isn't entirely normal, especially for a grandmother. I say that because it seems like you should have some life perspective by this point that everything is going to turn out okay and that this simply isn't the guy for you. But you don't seem to have that.

 

I think you've made him into a larger than life savior. That coupled with that instantaneous feeling of "having known one another in a past life" upon meeting (you talked about this in a previous thread) usually points to a lingering issue from your childhood that has caused you to seek out a corrective emotional experience via a toxic romantic relationship. You "knew him in a past life" because he reminds you of someone you knew earlier in your life.

 

Think back in your life and is there anyone from when you were a child that you are reminded of when you think in terms of your ex's behavior? Rejecting, blaming, arrogant, withdrawn, removing love to punish you... It's clear that you panic when you feel abandoned, so you have a history of someone making you feel that way and you've never healed that pain. I think if you think about it, you'll figure out who it is. And dealing with that pain is how you're going to process this breakup in a healthier way. Once you see that it was never about this guy and that he was just a symbol to you, you'll be able to have the perspective to carry yourself onward and upward. You'll be able to see potential partners for who they are, rather than who you want them to be, and that's the key to finding a good relationship for yourself.

 

I hope you can get yourself some counseling. You're worth better than this man and I hope that you can surface from your grief enough to see that.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think he's playing a game of "Catch me if you can" knowing that you'll chase him to the moon and back, along with him getting a thrill out of being chased. With that said, I'm sure he has an abundance of mental health issues, as well.

 

I'm afraid this is a case of what you see, is what you get. Try to turn the focus on you, your future, and of course your sanity. All the best, and I hope you find your way...

[amila]

How old is he and how old are you'?

[Faye88]

Cadence, I know straight away who made me feel this way. It was my mum, my mum who had me then two years later my brother. Later telling me she only wanted boys and didnt like me! I nver really felt love from her, even last week I called her for comfort and she wasnt interested and has never called me back, but this isnt unusual. My dad was weak and controlled by my mum. I left home at 16 and rarely see either of them. I might be a grandmother but it hurts just the same. I am beginning to see him in a different light now at least. The way he left without a thought to how I would cope with the puppy we just bought that day, let alone ignoring my calls, is actually helping me deal with this. I dont want to be with a man who can do this. I need more stability in my life. I wont contact him. Thanks for replies, it does help.

[Faye88]

We are both early 50's. And yes he does have mental health issues. Tried to commit suicide twice years ago, and on anti depressants. I did wonder if he was bi polar as he has bouts of extreme happiness and then suddenly gets really low, and cries. I can hear how all this sounds and yes, I admit I would be better off out of this situation. I am trying, and have succeeded with NC even though he has contacted me. I do think he is now playing games.

[Cadence44]

I'm not a professional, and even a professional could not diagnose over the internet from a one-sided story, but here is what I think: I think that your mother was a narcissist, which can wreak havoc on children and their emotional health. Narcissists can be sick enough to choose favorite children (often referred to as the "golden child") and identify one child as the "scapegoat" - the one who is never good enough and can never do anything right. It's pure chance, but the golden children usually remind the narcissist of themselves in some way, or it may be that they were just less needy as babies. The scapegoat is normally a child that reminds the narcissist of qualities the narcissist abhors, and is, tragically, usually the most emotionally sensitive baby. I would put my money on you being the scapegoat child of a narcissist, and you likely have lingering issues from it. It is sick and cruel and you didn't deserve it. It's time to heal that hurt instead of running away from it, because it can and will impact your romantic relationships via your self-esteem and choices in partners.

 

I just got out of a relationship with a man I loved deeply. Unfortunately, he had the same history as you - scapegoat child of a narcissist and he has never dealt with it properly. It left him with deep intimacy issues and some pretty warped core beliefs about relationships. As a result, he can't have what he desperately wants - a close happy relationship. It still hurts a great deal, especially knowing that he doesn't care enough to help himself. He just wants to keep running from it and find the "perfect" partner where he feels happy 100% of the time so he never has to go anywhere near the shame that normal relationship conflict can bring up in him. He treated me so well, but when the going got tough for a bit, he shut down and went running. We are not in contact, and I am hoping he will see some things about himself. I still miss him. Like you, I tend toward anxiety when I feel abandoned, because of my childhood. The first week after we broke up were some dark days, but I pulled myself out of it. You can do it too.

 

Now that I know more about your history, I can tell you that the devastation that he makes you feel when he abandons you and removes love is all about your mother's sick treatment of you. You are feeling the pain of a lost and confused child who just wants her mother to love her like a mother should. Your mother failed you, and I'm so sorry that happened to you. If there is a waiting list for counselors, perhaps you can google about being the scapegoated child of a narcissist and find support via a specialty forum while you are waiting. Knowledge is power.

 

Your ex is bad news. I'd think more along the lines of Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder with him. The sudden rages, the black and white thinking, idealizing then devaluing you when he rages, the behavior that seems to emulate punishing you for your sins... that's toxic stuff and it will destroy you. Unfortunately the man you loved, the nice one who was capable of loving you, was just an illusion. It's not you, and this one silly man does not determine your worth. He's on his own (extremely dysfunctional!) journey. Let him do it on his own because he will destroy you if you let him. He triggers you in some pretty fundamental ways, and you need to take care only of yourself from here on out.

 

You are a good person and you'll find love for yourself. Be good to yourself and think positive and you'll get there. Promise.

[amila]

We are both early 50's. And yes he does have mental health issues. Tried to commit suicide twice years ago, and on anti depressants. I did wonder if he was bi polar as he has bouts of extreme happiness and then suddenly gets really low, and cries. I can hear how all this sounds and yes, I admit I would be better off out of this situation. I am trying, and have succeeded with NC even though he has contacted me. I do think he is now playing games.

 

How long have you been dating? i read you met him online'? how can you trust him? he is sick ,you are also putting your grandkid in risk

[amila]

You say you dont want to be alone,i think there you have your problem,you miht feel he is your last chance for a partner??? .Your priority is not to be alone,but come on a guy with mental health issuses? come on

 

At least leave the grandkids home when he is there

[Faye88]

Thank you cadence I have heard this said about my mother a few times. (Narcissist) strangely I never resented my brother at all, I loved him. I remember her playing with him and me asking her to play with me and just getting a sign and a look! It does make a lot of sense. I will look on line at scapegoat children. She thought spending money on clothes was what I wanted but even as a child I remember craving attention. I have tried hard with her over the years but she alway, always lets me down or isn't there when I need her the most. Im used to it now, but friends of mine are still surprised at some of the things she says and does, even my kids have noticed. She had a bad childhood herself, in and out of foster care while her parents travelled on the stage. She had to look after her brother a year younger. So Ive always tried to justify her behaviour towards me.

 

Sorry for what happened to you too. Thanks so much for the advice.