Confused messages with Lady friend

[Geobronc]

I am a married man with two kids. My marriage has been rocky, but we are still doing alright, although we are almost the opposite personalities. I am very social and have male and female friends. One of my female friends I have known for about 8 months and she is 11 years younger then I, and is divorced with three kids, living at home with parents while she completes school for a college degree.

Anyways...we are JUST Friends, she told me that she would never even consider messing with a married man. We talk about a few times a week and occasionally get together to chat about our lives and have a coffee.

I have met her parents and kids. Her kids really like me. She has a lot of male friends, relates better to them she says, and a few female friends.

Some of her male friends are ex-boyfriends who she has had sex with.

She was divorced early at about 25.

 

So, here is my question....

I know a little about computers and got a call from her the other day that she could not get her flash memory card to work with her PC and was very upset because the flash memory card had her homework on it that she intended to work on over the weekend. She asked me for some help over the phone, but come to find out she needed me to upgrade her PC to Windows XP from Windows 98. So, with my wifes permission I went over to her house and her mom and kids left us there alone and went shopping. Her PC is in her bedroom. As I was installing the upgrade and drivers, etc, which took about 3-4 hours, we had a nice talk, she pulled our photo albums of her kids when they were little and babies. There were three of them, one for each kid. She also showed me a real picture of a tubal pregnancy that she had. And of course there were pictures in the photo albums of some of her ex-boyfriends and ex-husband. The ex-boyfriend has been trying to get back with her for sex mostly, and she wants to find a man to settle down with and who will love her kids as much as her. She sat on her bed while we talked, and I was sitting at her computer desk next to the bed in a chair. She was a little uncomfortable after a while and layed on her side. Then I noticed as we were talking she started to keep her ankles together while laying on her side facing me and lifting her leg as to be stretching or maybe teasing me? I have to say that it was not easy not to look at her body. She was only wearing athletic sweats and a t-shirt. She also made lunch and invited me to share a meal with her.

 

From this part day with her, I am trying to figure out if she likes me as more then friends, from all the body language and how she shared her photo albums and picture of her tubal pregnancy and some intimate conversations about our pasts. I am almost sure then she has been with her ex-boyfriend sexually lately, but she told me and another friend of hers that she does not want to have sex with anyone again until she meets the man she will marry. She is tired of the boy toys as she calls it.

I found on her internet history that she had been searching for free porn once. So, I know she is lonely. Again, I cannot figure out if she wants me as more then a friend and wont say or do anything because I am married.

She has met my wife and kids before, a few times and even had coffee with my wife alone. She has told me that she thinks my wife is insecure, which is true. I am so confused. If I were not married...I would consider dating her. But I dont know if she feels the same.

 

Thoughts?

[Geobronc]

By the way...I would never cheat on my wife. I love my wife, and I really like this lady friend a lot as a friend ONLY. However, she is very sexy and it is hard not to wonder what could be, BUT, I could not cheat on my wife...if would devastate our family financially and emotionally and end in a bitter divorve where I would pay alamony (spelling?) and child support.

 

So, a hop in the sack with my friend would not be an option, even if she really did want it, which I am really confused about. She sure has shared some intimate things with me, such as the photo albums, and telling in detail about her past marriage and the reason for the divorce and other things.

[boredguy]

I really like this lady friend a lot as a friend ONLY. However, she is very sexy and it is hard not to wonder what could be, BUT, I could not cheat on my wife...if would devastate our family financially and emotionally and end in a bitter divorve where I would pay alamony (spelling?) and child support.

 

It seems as though you have conflicting opinions. u say u like this lady friend as only a friend, yet you wonder what if. also, u say you could not cheat on your wife. the thing i find slightly odd is that u say how it would affect your family financially, and u speak of alamony and divorce...i find it odd that you didnt speak of your feelings for ur wife n all. plz dont take offence. if i have offended u, do say so. Im jus a little intrigued as to how you are worried about your family's financial well being as opposed to your 'love?' for your wife.

again, i dont mean to offend you.

[Amethyst]

If dating is not an option and "hopping in the sack" is not an option, what difference does it make how she feels?

 

Let me tell you something: you don't have to date or sleep with someone to cheat. You can cheat emotionally by allowing yourself to have feelings for and fantasies about other women.

 

If you are to the point where you recognize that you would date her if you could, then you have crossed the line emotionally. And, no matter how much of a stand-up guy you are, a man can only take so much temptation.

 

It sounds to me like you are coming to the point where you need to choose between this lady friend and your wife. You are playing with FIRE here! I mean, think about it. You say nothing can happen; yet, you're hoping she's interested. Why? An ego boost isn't worth screwing up your marriage.

 

My advice? Back off with this lady. Stop going to her house. Stop spending time alone with her. And, if need be, stop being her friend. As I said, a man can only take so much; and, you seem to be getting closer to crossing the line with each passing day.

[boredguy]

amethyst, i dont know if NC is a good idea for this situation, it may make thigns worse, i believe some simple soulsearching should do the trick

[Amethyst]

Soulsearching isn't going to stop the temptation.

 

As long as he's around her and has contact with her, he will continue to wonder "what if". It's best to nip those thoughts in the bud before the thoughts turn into actions.

 

Edit: I'm not saying he *shouldn't* do the soul-searching. I agree that he needs to figure out why he's more worried about finances than love; but, that doesn't mean he should keep seeing this woman either.

[boredguy]

Amethyst, i agree that he 'should' nip the temptation in the bud, but is it really worth losing a good friend? to me, friendship is an integral part of life.

[tosing]

I am trying to figure out if she likes me as more then friends... If I were not married...I would consider dating her. But I dont know if she feels the same.

Thoughts?

 

First of all, yes, she's attracted to you and enjoys your company. I feel that she was inviting you to lie down with her, or she wanted you to see her in that position. If I knew a married man ( I wasn't attracted to) was coming over to fix a computer in my bedroom, I would remain in the kitchen or livingroom until he was done. She feels very very comfortable with you, that's all.

 

Based on the selected sentences I chose from your post, I can tell you're attracted to her as well, and that's okay. I understand what its like to be married and find someone attractive - especially if the marriage isn't going well, or if things are just not always clicking as they should. Your real question is "Should I take a chance because I'm worried that although she's attracted to me, she might turn me down?" I don't think she would, and that's where it gets difficult. If you're thinking about what it would be like, you're gone already. Of course its different if you're thinking like this about Halle or Beyonce 'cause you can't get to them. But you know where this woman lives and can get to her if things were set just right.

 

Making love to her will change things. You may not want to do this because guilt will follow and if you try to dump her or distance yourself from her after that, she'll be crushed. Keep it light. Don't go in that bedroom anymore if its going to cause you pain. Keep it in the coffee shop ...and next time you meet her there, bring an attractive friend she might like. If the thought of doing this gives you a pinch of jealousy, you like this woman much more than you should.

 

It sounds like you genuinely care about her though, and that's good. The attractive thing about married men is that while they're married they learn to become sensitive to womens feelings. This is probably what's got her going over you. If you don't slow it down now, its only going to get trickier.

 

All the best,

 

Tosing Withnoreserve

[Amethyst]

Amethyst, i agree that he 'should' nip the temptation in the bud, but is it really worth losing a good friend? to me, friendship is an integral part of life.

 

Of course, friends are an intergral part of life. But, as I said, he's getting to the point where he's going to have to choose between his friend or his wife. Honestly, he's already being *emotionally unfaithful* and it's just a matter of time before the physical follows suit.

 

Don't you think it's "worth losing a good friend" if it helps him save his marriage?

 

Edit:

 

If you're thinking about what it would be like, you're gone already.

 

Thank you, tosing. That's EXACTLY my point. He's saying he would never cheat, but he already is.

[boredguy]

Don't you think it's "worth losing a good friend" if it helps him save his marriage?

 

i agree with most of what you said, except for this. He may save his marriage, but from what we have read, he speaks of his marriage in a less than perfect way.

 

also, i find it funny that we are arguing, and this person is nowehere to be found...lol maybe hes in a different time zone...

[Amethyst]

i agree with most of what you said, except for this. He may save his marriage, but from what we have read, he speaks of his marriage in a less than perfect way.

 

And that means...what, exactly? Last time I checked, wedding vows including something like "for better or for worse". Just because things are "rocky" (as Geo stated), doesn't mean that he should give up on his relationship with his wife. (If that were the case, I don't think there would be a single married couple on earth! )

 

As it stands now, the marriage may well be salvagable -- I don't know for a fact, because I'm not there. However, what I *do* know for a fact is that if he crosses the line with this woman, the chances of salvaging his marriage are almost nill.

 

Like I said, better to lose a friend than a family.

 

also, i find it funny that we are arguing, and this person is nowehere to be found...lol maybe hes in a different time zone...

 

LOL! I thought of that myself -- interesting that we're here debating his marriage and personal life but he's not.

 

To Geobronc: I hope you don't feel we are attacking you. I don't think any of us have that intent. Even I, in my determination to get my point accross to boredguy, mean no slight toward you (or him, for that matter ) I do, however, hope that you'll take our words to heart. I think you're in much deeper than you realize.

[boredguy]

lol...hey amethyst, i read over the thread again, yeah ur right ( stereotypically speaking: do women get that a lot from guys? )

But anyways. u are right, its better to lose a friend than family, and geobronc may just be crossing the line emotionally.

 

I seemed be concentrating on thwe aspect of how much a friend means to someone, but i forgot how much more important a wife and a family is. ....

 

Well...I do hope Geobronc shows up sometime...lol. we aint raggin on ya geobronc! jus playin!

[Amethyst]

i read over the thread again, yeah ur right ( stereotypically speaking: do women get that a lot from guys? )

 

LOL! Not very often at all! In fact, I think I've only heard that phrase from a male two or three times in my entire life! (No offense to any guys out there...I *am* speaking 'stereotypically', after all.

 

But anyways. u are right, its better to lose a friend than family, and geobronc may just be crossing the line emotionally.

 

Thank you. That's exactly the message I've been trying to convey. Glad to see you picked up on it.

 

I seemed be concentrating on thwe aspect of how much a friend means to someone, but i forgot how much more important a wife and a family is. ....

 

That's okay. Sometimes we all get tunnel vision. (We get so caught up on a minor point that we miss the bigger picture.) I've been guilty of that myself.

 

-------------

 

Now, for another message specifically for you, Geobronc:

 

Now that it's a new day, I took the time to check out your profile and read your other threads. You're not going to like what I'm about to say, but please understand that I'm saying it because I'm concerned about you and your marriage.

 

You have 3 other threads -- all built around your lady friend. Now, from looking at the threads, I can't quite tell if it's the *same* lady friend (although, I'm thinking it is) or if these are different ladies. Either way, however, my point here is the same. Your marriage isn't just in the rocks -- your marriage is in BIG trouble!

 

Geo, you have no idea how close you are to an affair! All of your threads concern your lady friend(s) -- not ONE SINGLE ONE is devoted to your wife or how you could possible save your marriage. They all ask about why your lady friend(s) would act a certain way and what that must mean about her (or their) feelings toward you. You need to take the advice of the several who posted in reply to those threads -- almost every single one of them told you to stop concentrating on your lady friend and start concentrating on getting your marriage back on track!

 

You keep making replies about "working" on your marriage, but I see absolutely NO evidence of this. If you were truly "working" on it, you wouldn't continue wondering which of your lady friends has feelings for you.

 

You seem to think that as long as you stay married to your wife, you are doing your "duty" as a husband. Geo, that's FAR from the truth. A woman does not need a husband in name only. She needs someone who will be there for her, work through problems with her, and love her for the woman she is.

 

I encourage you to really THINK about what you are doing, and how close you are to throwing your future with your wife down the drain. Seek marriage counseling. If your wife won't go, go by yourself. If you are TRULY interested in salvaging your marriage, then stop worrying about your friend(s) and start worrying about your wife! It takes two to make a marriage work; and, right now, you are *not* doing your part.

[Geobronc]

Hi all, I was finally able to read the posts from you. Thank you for the insight and advice. I AM emotionally involved with her as a friend. Someone posed the question of whether I would be jealous if I brought over a good looking friend with me or saw her with an ex boyfriend, etc. The answer is yes. I would be to a certain degree. Ultimately, I want to see her find another husband, one who just does not want to use her for sex, etc, but one who will like her kids as much as I already do. One who will invest time into getting to know her AND her kids, dating, etc.

 

Yes for better or worse, I am married. I am making the best of each day, some days are bad with our marriage and some are good. I honestly wish I would have took more time in dating to make sure my wife was the one for me, because she and I are not alike personality wise. We only dated for 6-months before marriage, and we had our best faces forward, if you know what I mean.

 

My lady friend is a lot like me, we can talk about anything. My wife is prude to certain subjects and regarding the sex life, it is not what I feel is a good one, just ok.

 

I want to remain JUST FRIENDS with my lady friend, perhaps I want to know if she likes me as more then a friend to boost my ego a bit, to see if I still am attractive, etc...not just in looks but in personality. So that is why I was wondering if she likes me more then just friends. I wont cross the line, no matter how tempting it may be in the right situation or shall I say wrong situation.

 

She has quite a few other male friends who are not married and some who are. Like I said before, I think she has been with one of her ex boyfriends recently, one that I saw in the picture albums of her kids she showed me, but I have no proof. I know he is the kind who just wants to use her for a bit more and not be serious with her towards marriage, and that bothers me. However, its not my life, its hers and her decision. She did tell me and my other lady friend, that she is not wanting to have sex with guys anymore, or have these boy toys as I call them. She does seem like a player, but I KNOW she is emotionally lonely.

 

So the answer was that some of you thinks she does have some emotional feelings for me and perhaps also physically attractive to me? I am 41, but been told I look 35, even told by her that I look that age.

[Geobronc]

By the way, wew are seeing a marriage councelor. Have been for about 6-months, and we are getting better. Its the differences in our personalities that is my biggest issue. We are trying very hard to find some common interests and start dating, and romancing each other. My wife is about 40 lbs over weight and I have been getting back in very good shape, lost 30lbs, and look like I am 35, as I have been told. I find my wife attractive, even with the extra pounds that she is trying to lose, its just that our sex life is boring and she is not open minded to explore things that would spice it up. I am not talking like S&M or anything, just ways to make sex more romantic and exciting, and ways to have fun dating again. We have two kids that are almost teenagers, so we do get out from time to time. Like I said, our councelor is helping us, and he felt having a lady friend was fine, but not to ever cross the line. I dont want to give up on her friendship, I do want to help her, but yes, there is a tempation, but she has never really offered herself to me romantically. She said she never would mess with ANY married man. Her ex-husband cheated on her, and thus the reason for her divorce a few years ago, and now he wants nothing to do with her or her kids....its very sad, and I feel her pain, wanna help. I have a fixer kind of personality also, but need to fix my marriage as well.

[Amethyst]

I want to remain JUST FRIENDS with my lady friend

 

I'm sorry, but you're kidding yourself. A married man who only wants to be "just friends" does not create 4 threads on a message board wanting to know if other women are interested. Nor, does he get jealous at the thought of the woman dating another man.

 

No, you are WAY past the "just friends" mentality. As I said, you don't have to date or sleep with her to cheat.

 

Geo, you ARE cheating. Whether you want to admit it or not, you ARE.

 

perhaps I want to know if she likes me as more then a friend to boost my ego a bit, to see if I still am attractive, etc

 

I touched on this in my first reply to you; and, I'll say it again: is an ego boost REALLY worth screwing up your marriage?

 

I think she has been with one of her ex boyfriends recently

 

Again, someone with a "just friends" mentality is not going to get upset over the "friend's" sex life. It's NONE of your business! You have a WIFE! Try worrying about HER sex life...NOT this other woman's.

 

So the answer was that some of you thinks she does have some emotional feelings for me and perhaps also physically attractive to me? I am 41, but been told I look 35, even told by her that I look that age.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not touching this one. You do NOT need to be concerned if she finds you "attractive" or not, because you are MARRIED!

 

If you are so unhappy with your wife and your marriage that you absolutely must look elsewhere and you are absolutely not willing to work on that marriage, then stop trying to be "noble" and divorce the woman.

 

As I said, she does NOT need a husband in name only. If you don't love her, then let her find someone who does. She deserves, at least, THAT much!

[Amethyst]

Like I said, our councelor is helping us, and he felt having a lady friend was fine, but not to ever cross the line.

 

EXACTLY! And, that is EXACTLY what you have done. When you start getting jealous, etc., you can be SURE you've crossed the line.

 

Truly, there is none so blind as those who will not see. The truth is staring you in the face, but you're turning a blind eye to it.

 

You keep talking about how SHE wouldn't have an affair with you. You need to stop worrying about what she would or wouldn't do. Because she really isn't any of your concern. Your concern is with your wife.

 

I'm pretty much through replying here. I've advised you (as has pretty much everyone else) to wise up and realize you are on extremely thin ice. I can't do any more than that. If you choose to continue down this path, then that's your choice. I won't be a party to it by trying to translate what she does or doesn't think.

 

As I said, go back and read your threads. Read all those replies that tell you your heart should be with your wife and not some other woman. Read them and take them to heart.

 

We aren't here to tell you what you WANT to hear (i.e. that she finds you attractive and wants you even though you're married) -- we're here to tell you what you NEED to hear (i.e. that you need to get your priorities straight and worry about your marriage instead of if some other woman is interested in you)

[Amethyst]

This is my final post. I re-checked those threads and found something I missed before. I took this from your "What did she mean?" thread...it's one of YOUR posts, Geo:

 

So how do I find that out? You see, my marriage is kind of on the rocks. I would [not] commit adultry, but when you find someone who your friends with first, and then find you have more then friends feelings, I mean, I really care about her, and would like to see her happy, even if it were not me with her. Thats why I wanted to know if she had any of those same feelings for me.

 

Yes, the bold emphasis is mine. Wake up and smell the coffee, because you just *admitted* to being emotionally unfaithful. (And, btw, leaving out the word "not" seems more like a Freudian slip to me. Yeah, you corrected later, but it was a slip nonetheless.)

 

As I said, you are in *much* deeper than you realize.

[Geobronc]

Ok, I see your point.

 

So now I need to look at where I take this or not.

 

Thanks for all your points and advice...much appreciated!

 

 

[Hillary1991]

I have to agree with some of the other postings. Why are you so curious if she is interested? REgardless, even if it's harmless flirting, you should stay away from her. Sure it's not tempting now b/c you've only hung out with her once but she's proven she'll cross the line. I wouldn't put yourself in a position to be alone with her again. Even if you don't do anything, it might cause a raised eyebrow from your wife eventually.