10 months on.. still hurts like hell

[Sparkles]

Another month has passed & I'm still no closer to healing. 17yr LTR. Split was my fault. He has moved on, seeing a girl around 7 months now.

I've done 6 weeks of counselling & honestly don't think it's got me anywhere. I blame myself for the relationship ending, I'm so full of guilt & regret for running and not making an effort to fix things. I feel stuck while everyone else is moving on with their lives. I'm 36, have a 15yr old. I feel guilty for my son cos it's my fault his dad doesn't live with us anymore. I honestly can't see things getting better anytime soon, if anything I think it will get worse as I'm dreading Christmas.

Had a dream about him last night, it was so real. Then he txt me an hour ago asking what the arrangements were for Christmas.

I'm also angry that he seems to be over me so quickly, his girlfriend has 2 young kids & he stays over quite a bit so it's like he has this new family

I'm sitting in work now hiding behind my computer literally crying my eyes out

Please has anyone any suggestions how I can start to heal? I do fitness classes 4 times a week, walk my dogs, etc... I know they say time heals but it's been 10 months, he seems happier than ever why can't I be?

[Clinton]

It takes a good while to heal from a long term relationship. A British study put average time to.heal from divorce at 18 months.

 

It took me about two years to get over the breakup of my 13 year relationship and while I'm generally very happy now the scars are still there.

 

All I can tell you is it takes time. My friends went through similar experiences and they all seem to have moved on.

 

Try and let go of the guilt, you can't go back and change things. What's done is done.

 

It will get better, just not as quickly as you'd like. Stay active and try not to focus on his life. I had kids with my ex and it does complicate things but stay civil for their sake.

Outside of communicating for the kids needs though, don't contact him or talk to him.

 

Hang in there. You'll have good days and bad but eventually the good ones will predominate.

[Man with Dog]

I had a quick look at your post history but could not see why you split from your LTR. Maybe you feel guilty about something that you should not feel guilty about. I had a marriage break up 30 years ago. Even though it was my wife that left and was cheating, I wasted a lot of emotional energy worrying about what I could have done to prevent it. The answer? NOTHING. Many break-ups are simply accidents waiting to happen. Some couples never were nor ever could be compatible but also people change over time and become incompatible later.

 

Apart from that, it seems that you are doing the right things.

 

Good luck.

[freewill1234]

Stop concentrating on why he's happy. Start concentrating on you being happy. I know, easier said then done but try. Keep up with the fitness classes, walking your dogs, etc ... There is no MAGICAL cure for getting over a relationship. Focus on yourself and time will eventually heel.

[Man with Dog]

Stop concentrating on why he's happy. Start concentrating on you being happy. I know, easier said then done but try. Keep up with the fitness classes, walking your dogs, etc ... There is no MAGICAL cure for getting over a relationship. Focus on yourself and time will eventually heel.

 

Agree. If this was on Twitter, I would retweet this. I fell into the trap of questioning what my ex was up to than concentrating on my recovery, too.

[freewill1234]

Agree. If this was on Twitter, I would retweet this. I fell into the trap of questioning what my ex was up to than concentrating on my recovery, too.

 

Yup. I fell into the trap too.

[Sparkles]

Thanks so much for the replies I really appreciate them.

I know I need to focus on myself & try to stop thinking about him all the time. It just feels like I'm living a nightmare the last while. I wake up & can't believe this is how my life has turned out. I wish I could change things but I can't.

[MonWedFri]

Hey Sparkles,

 

I am in a similar situation of regret/this feels like a 6-month bad dream. It sucks, but it's getting better. Change can happen and happiness can come, but perhaps in ways you do not expect or in ways that don't involve a retreat into the past.

 

What true love is having it inconceivable to surround your life with someone else. The fact that he has moved on does not invalidate what you once had, but we owe it to ourselves to deserve nothing but true love. The objective is to get function and independence and self-confidence back. Those won't cancel out heartache, but they make it a lot easier to live with so that time can take over.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. I have such empathy for what you're going through.

[Hellboy]

I think you need to start dating again. At least socializing in groups or something. Get your emotional energy focused on something other than the lost relationship and its aftermath. You sound as though you may be clinically depressed and medication could help you feel better and see things maybe in a better light.

[Man with Dog]

I think you need to start dating again. At least socializing in groups or something. Get your emotional energy focused on something other than the lost relationship and its aftermath. You sound as though you may be clinically depressed and medication could help you feel better and see things maybe in a better light.

 

Conventional wisdom suggests that you shouldn't date after a break-up but it all depends on you. The only warning is do not seek to replace your ex. A replacement is exactly what you DON'T need.

[Sparkles]

Conventional wisdom suggests that you shouldn't date after a break-up but it all depends on you. The only warning is do not seek to replace your ex. A replacement is exactly what you DON'T need.

 

I did date straight away and I was head over heals with this new guy or so I thought, it took my mind off the break up but eventually reality caught up with me & I was a mess, I ended it with the new guy, he was heartbroken & I had to deal with 2 break ups. So yes I would agree with you about not dating too soon. And yes I compared almost everything he did to my ex which made me miss my ex more.

Thanks for the advice, still struggling but hoping it'll get better. Going to try a new counsellor this weekend, she's a systemic psychotherapist, hoping she will be better than the last.

[andytownsend]

Start with accepting that it is really over. Don't blame yourself. Accept that sometimes it just doesn't work. Focus on yourself and your child.

[Sparkles]

Argh so I'm back here again, Monday will be exactly 1 year since BU, last couple of weeks I thought I was doing fine and starting to move on I even got through my last counselling session without crying, I thought I was getting somewhere but I think with the 1yr date coming up its on my mind even though I don't want it to be. He's also told me he is moving in with his gf & her 2 young kids after 7 months together, we have a child together so this really hurt when I found out, how can he move on so quickly and I feel like I'm stuck, getting nowhere argh I feel like I've been replaced. I'm dreading my son having to go and stay overnight at her house and hating the thoughts of them all playing happy families. Its just me and my son at home so I'm trying my best to keep him happy and to be in a good mood and fun around him but the house is so quiet without his dad there. I really feel for him. I'm scared one day he will want to move in with them. He's 15. He seems to be taking it all very well. He says nothing bothers him. I hope he's ok, I am so worried about him. How do teenagers cope when their parents split up. I never thought Id be in this situation.

 

The dreams have started again, then I wake up sad & lonely and that determines the day I'm going to have. I wish I could snap out of it

[Twidom]

Sparkles you're just out of a 17 year relationship.... 17 YEARS!!! Stop expecting to be healed by now. I've dated a girl for 3 and it's taking forever for me to feel fine.

 

You need time. You need to grieve. It's ok to cry. To feel like the world is the worst thing ever. Stop beating yourself!